Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Review - Burn Notice: Season Two (Blu-ray)
Summer is a wonderful time for outdoor fanatics, but it’s a rather bleak time for those who prefer spending our days inside an air conditioned house watching television. Luckily, the USA Network is doing its part to entertain the lazy masses with the best original summertime programming on television, including Burn Notice, which recently released its second season on DVD and Blu-ray, making this a perfect time to get caught up on a great show.

Murphy’s Law - Really, America? Really?
Sure, Transformers was a decent enough movie, but anyone who thinks the sequel - with racist robots and all - is anything more than a chance for Michael Bay and friends to pocket more cash, they’re sorely mistaken. And yet, the second Transformers inexplicably hauled in more than $200 million in it’s first five days, leaving just one question: really, America? Really?

Outside of the In-Crowd - WTF, Death?
It was already shaping up to be a tough year for celebrities, but last week four more names joined the 2009 celebrity death count. With that in mind, Courtney Enlow is putting Death on notice by listing five beloved celebrities who the Grim Reaper best keep his bony hands off of.

Positive Cynicism - Everyone wants to be better than you
The Internet is great for two things: finding porn and spewing hate. So if you are one of those people who feels the need to go to message boards and/or blogs leaving comments about how you don’t hate anyone or anything because you are so much better than the rest of us, then Aaron R. Davis hates you.

Guest Blog Post - Is that my house?
It’s one thing to enjoy watching crappy reality TV shows, but it’s entirely different when you come home and feel like you are walking on to the set of one, minus the cameras. That’s what happened recently to guest columnist Brandon Miller. Read it and be glad it’s not your family.

- Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap is also available as an email newsletter. To sign up for the newsletter to ensure you never miss an update, send an email to newsletter-subscribe@hobotrashcan.com.

Brandon Miller

Editor’s Note: Brian Murphy gave Jessica Simpson his phone number at Congressional yesterday and is currently sitting by the phone convinced she is going to call any minute now, so today we bring you a special guest column from Brandon Miller. It goes without saying that all persons mentioned herein are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.]

It all started on a normal Monday afternoon. I had just stopped at the grocery store to pick up some items for dinner, and while I’m standing in the check-out line my phone rings. My wife, sounding more than a little flustered, is speaking a hundred miles a minute. I can only make out every few words, which are “your dad,” “police,” “guns” and “face down.”

Feeling obligated to finish my transaction and leave the store, I hustle out the door and call back to find out what the hell is going on. Our second attempt at a phone call goes about as successfully as try number one.

“Your brother is on the other line,” she said. “He just finished talking to the police. I’ll call you back.”

And then I hear a dial tone.

(A little back story: I live in a house next to my parent’s house that my wife and I built years ago. My 74-year-old grandmother lives on the other side of my folks and my brother lives three houses down. Just thought that’s something you should know.)

Five minutes go by and still nothing.

At this point I’m half expecting to see a Smokey and the Bandit-like road block once I get back home.

Finally, my wife calls me catches me up to speed.

“Your dad is face down in our side yard with a police officer pointing a gun at him,” she said.

This, as they say in the business, was a bit unexpected. You see, my father is a big man. And unless there is a secret society of 350-pound ninjas, I’m confused as to what, exactly, my old man has done to end up in this position.

“The plumber your father hired is in handcuffs and police officers are questioning his three Latino laborers,” she said.

At that point I decide to swing by my brother’s house, instead of heading straight home. Turns out it was a wise move, since my street was blocked off by a cavalry of cop cars and a helicopter was flying overhead by the time I got there.

I ask my wife to join me there, at which point she informed me she’d instructed our two young daughters to head upstairs and lie on the floor because she wasn’t sure what was going on. I swear, you can’t make this shit up.

Once I got to my brother’s place I finally get caught up to speed. Turns out the plumber had hired two Latino gentlemen to do some work in my father’s front yard. These two men decided, without the consent of said plumber, to bring a friend to help on the job. At the end of the day the plumber paid the men the money they’d agreed on. That’s when the third worker said they were owed more.

The plumber told them that he only hired two workers and that everyone had agreed on the price for the job and that it was their decision to additional workers into the equation. Not his decision, not his problem.

So the third worker pulled a knife. The plumber refused to budge and, at some point during the “negotiations,” produced a gun to help back his stance. He informed the three workers that he didn’t take kindly to being threatened and “politely” asked them to leave the property immediately.

Once the smoke finally cleared I headed home with my family to see my dad giving a statement to two policemen while the plumber was in the back of one of the patrol cars waiting for a ride downtown.

A buddy shows up at my house and is greeted by my six-year-old daughter, who says, “My granddaddy was arrested.”

What do you say at that point?

The evening ended with a family dinner at my parent’s place, in which my father attempted to catch everyone up to speed using humor to make light of the entire ordeal. My church-going/law-abiding mother was not amused and cut him off mid-sentence pleading that we drop it and never speak of it again.

So with respect to her wishes lets not talk of this again.

Ever.

Brandon Miller is a grown up version of Milhouse Van Houten from The Simpsons.

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Joel Murphy

It’s safe to say that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen had a pretty good opening weekend.

The latest chapter in Michael Bay’s Transformers saga earned $201.2 million, which set the five-day record for a Wednesday launch (handily beating Spider-Man 2, which earned $152.5 million in its first five days). On Wednesday alone, it earned $60.6 million, which broke Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’s one-day record for a Wednesday premiere.

In fact, there is only one film that earned more money in five days than Revenge of the Fallen … The Dark Knight (which was released on a Friday, like God intended). The Dark Knight barely beat Revenge of the Fallen, making $203.8 million in its first five days. (Just imagine how well The Dark Knight could have done if they had gone with Michael Bay’s script).

This raises an obvious question …

What the hell is wrong with you, America?

Seriously, what is going on here? What was it about Transformers 2 that made everyone feel like they needed to see it opening weekend? I find it hard to believe that racial stereotypes and wrecking ball testicles were enough to convince people to rush out and see this film. Did Michael Bay call each moviegoer up and personally threaten to blow up their houses with a visually stunning and “totally bad ass” explosion if they didn’t rush out and see this film? Was there an Internet rumor floating around that Megan Fox had a steamy sex scene with Bumblebee? Or that Shia LaBeouf had a steamy sex scene with Bumblebee? Or that Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf had a steamy threesome with Bumblebee?

Last summer, I knew that The Dark Knight was going to have a huge opening weekend (although, as someone who has seen every Batman film on opening night, I admit I’m a bit biased). Christopher Nolan was already a respected director before taking over the Batman franchise and he had already shown what he was capable of doing with the character in Batman Begins, so everyone was excited to see how he would follow up that solidly entertaining film. Plus, there was a lot of buzz surrounding Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker even before he died. When he did die shortly after finishing filming, that added a whole new level of mystique to the film and his role in it. People who might not have necessarily rush out to see the film wanted to go just to see his performance. Add in a brilliant marketing campaign leading up to the release and it’s no big surprise that it had a record-setting opening weekend.

Revenge of the Fallen had none of that. Michael Bay’s directing style is practically a punchline these days. The first Transformers movie wasn’t terrible, but I have yet to talk to anyone who thought it was a great film. It had a few entertaining moments (and quite a few painful ones) and if you were a fan of watching giant CGI robots fight, then it had enough action to keep you entertained. So I can’t really imagine anyone walked away from the first film thinking, “God, I can’t wait to see what Michael Bay does next with these characters.” The actors definitely aren’t on the level of those in The Dark Knight and there certainly wasn’t any buzz surrounding any of their performances. And even the marketing seemed disappointing leading up to this film (Bay himself wrote a letter to the studio complaining about the way they promoted Revenge of the Fallen leading up to its release).

So again, I ask – what is going on here? Why is a movie that currently has a 20 percent approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes setting five-day box office records?

Look, I know that last week was a tough one. We lost four well-known celebrities in a very short time span. And not only did we unexpectedly lose the King of Pop on Friday, but ever since then upsetting details about the circumstances surrounding his death, his final days and even the true paternity of his children have all begun to emerge. Summertime TV is already bad enough, but when your only choices are reruns and never-ending Michael Jackson stories, I can understand why you might be tempted to shut off the boob tube and see a movie instead.

But by giving this movie such a huge opening weekend, you have only encouraged Hollywood to continue to churn out crap. It’s a sequel to a remake of an 80s cartoon that was created by Hasbro to sell toys and it’s directed by a guy who thinks illiterate, foul-mouthed minstrel-bots who speak in ebonics are simply good ol’ fashion family fun.

So please, stop paying money to see this train wreck. I know that it is mindless escapist fluff in a dark time where we are losing all of our beloved celebrities one by one. And I know that it’s coming out in a summer that is severely lacking in the blockbuster department. But you deserve better than this, America.

And you are never going to get it if you keep shelling out your hard earned money for crap like this.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Burn Notice: Season Two (Blu-ray) Release Date: June 16, 2009 Own it on Blu-ray and DVD Created by: Matt Nix Stars: Jeffrey Donovan, Gabrielle Anwar, Bruce Campbell MPAA Rating: Unrated HoboTrashcan’s Rating:

While summer is a wonderful time for outdoor fanatics who enjoy things like picnics, hiking and barbecues, it’s a rather bleak time for those of us who prefer to spend our days inside an air conditioned house watching television.

Luckily, the USA Network is doing its part to entertain the lazy masses with the best original summertime programming on television. One of USA’s top summer show is Burn Notice, which is the story of a spy named Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan), who wakes up in his hometown of Miami to discover that the agency he worked for has blacklisted him and frozen all of his assets.

Westen reconnects with his ex-girlfriend Fiona Glenanne (Gabrielle Anwar), who is a former IRA member, and Sam Axe (Bruce Campbell), an intelligence operative and former Navy SEAL who used to rat out Michael to the FBI. The three join together to form a freelance team of unlicensed private investigators who help people get out of tough situations with criminals in Miami. In many ways, they are a modern day A-Team, surviving “as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find them, maybe you can hire” Michael Westen’s team.

While the show is definitely a throwback to great 70s and 80s shows like The A-Team, it is shot and edited in a very modern way. The show also uses voiceovers from Westen, which help to advance the plot and also offer entertaining “do-it-yourself” tips on things like evasive driving and planting bugs in people’s homes. Since Westen’s assets are frozen and he no longer has access to top-of-the-line spy equipment, he is constantly forced to improvise weapons and equipment to aid him on his missions and he is also kind enough to take the time to explain how the viewers can make these items themselves.

Each episode features a new client who hires the team to help get him/her out of a jam. While the episodes are typically self-contained, Michael’s desire to discover why he was burned and to get himself re-instated as a spy serves as the show’s overarching plot. The show also finds a way to make the most of its basic cable budget and manages to offer explosions, car crashes, gunfire and other eye-catching action scenes on a weekly basis.

Season two picks up right where season one left off, with Westen driving off to finally meet face-to-face with a woman named Carla who works for the group that got him blacklisted. Carla informs our hero that he was burned by her group so that he would work for them. Throughout the season, Michael must balance his freelance work with assignments given to him by Carla, all while trying to figure out who she is working for and what they are using him for. It’s a good way to keep the show’s overall plot moving and the writers do a good job mixing in Carla’s missions with the regular do-gooder missions that have become the show’s trademark.

Jeffery Donovan does a great job playing Westen. While the makers of the show could have easily cast a pretty boy James Bond type, it’s refreshing to see an unconventional-looking actor like Donovan playing the role. Instead of simply getting by on looks, Westen uses his intelligence and charisma to solve his clients’ problems. Donovan is also good at using various accents and mannerisms to create different cover identities while on cases.

The supporting cast is also very strong on the show. Sam Axe, the aging ladies man who Michael isn’t quite sure he can trust, is a perfect role for Bruce Campbell and it’s really great to see the iconic B-movie actor finally get a role on a lasting TV show, after so many of the promising shows he worked on were canceled after one season. Gabrielle Anwar brings a lot of intensity to the role of Fiona, who is portrayed as a somewhat unstable soldier who loves blowing things up. Sharon Gless is also quite enjoyable as Madeline Westen, Michael’s nagging, chain-smoking mother and Tricia Helfer is a great addition as Carla.

The box set of season two comes with audio commentary, deleted scenes and a gag reel. There is also a featurette called “Nixing It Up on Burn Notice,” which focuses on the episode “Do No Harm,” which was directed by series creator/writer Matt Nix.

Nix does a great job giving you a behind-the-scenes look at the making of “Do No Harm” and it was also really endearing to learn that he gave his own six-year-old son a starring role in the episode. The last disc also has an unadvertised bonus feature called “Boom Notice,” which is a satirical piece spotlighting a boom operator on the show. “Boom Notice” goes on a little too long, but the concept is rather entertaining.

I would recommend getting the Blu-ray version of this series if possible. The bright Miami skylines really pop in high def and all of the explosions and gunfire sound great. But whether you go Blu-ray or DVD, I definitely recommending picking up season two (and season one) and catching up on the show so that you can spend the rest of your summer watching season three, which is currently airing Thursday nights on USA.

Written by Joel Murphy. Burn Notice: Season Two is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

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Aaron R. Davis

You know who I hate? People who don’t hate anything.

You know who I’m talking about. You see them all the time on your own blog, or on message boards, or on any website with a comments section. Those people who can never help themselves from seeing your profession of hate for Heidi Montag or Michael Bay or bran muffins and leaving a comment just to say “I don’t hate anyone. Hate requires too much passion and if I didn’t like someone or something, why would I devote so much emotion and mental space to them or it? Hate is a relationship.”

Don’t you just hate those people?

I mean, now not only are you taking out your frustration with Heidi Montag or Michael Bay or bran muffins or Cartoon Network or Stephenie Meyer, but now you’re frustrated because your attempts to vent the original frustration have been frustrating by someone equally frustrating.

Someone who is scoring cheap ego points for themselves be reminding you how much better they are than you. How much more evolved and enlightened they are than you.

Doesn’t anyone just talk like a person anymore?

I mean, seriously, do those people think you’re staying up late at night, sharpening a wooden stake, completely obsessed, with pictures of Heidi Montag or Michael Bay or bran muffins or Cartoon Network or Stephenie Meyer or Dick Cheney or Heroes on your walls, writing manifestos and trying to figure out what your next move is going to be? Doesn’t that seem a little ridiculous? But when people leave those comments, that seems to be what they think of you. Are you as sick of it as I am? The Ned Flanders’ of the world, out there never hating anything like a normal person.

These are usually the same people who, when you make an offhand remark or joke, need to sweep in and remind you how much more clever they are than you. Or who, when they like a movie that’s dumb-but-fun, need to let you know that they already know it’s not a smart movie, but they liked it anyway. Because what a stranger on the Internet thinks about their intelligence is very important to them. Why, I have no idea. But it’s getting to the point where you can’t tell a joke about a horse ordering a drink anymore without someone “reminding” you that horses can’t actually talk and wouldn’t want to drink alcohol. Oh, but they were still amused by it. Ha ha?

While I’m on a rant, I should also mention those unfunny dickbags who think that your complaining about something you hate is somehow setting them up to score a joke off of you. “I’m incredibly sick of running into kids named Taylor - give your kids a first name instead,” you might say. And some dickbag will jump in and say “I’m going to name all of my kids Taylor T. Taylor!” Because they’re hilarious and not jackasses at all. Or you might complain that you hate people leaving nonconstructive comments like, “Your blog sucks and so do you!” and there will always, always be some dickbag who thinks he’s hilarious repeating those words.

The bottom line on all this is that those people are ruining the Internet with their jerkoff behavior. Instead of having some engaging conversation about something, you’re beset by people who want to make themselves feel better about themselves by showing you how much smarter/cleverer/more intellectual/funnier/more enlightened/more evolved/less human they are.

People, please: go out and be annoyed by something. Hate something for a second and then get over it. Stop worrying about what people who’ve never even met you think of you and your high opinion of yourself. If we’re just random strangers, why do you want our validation so bad?

Be a person for a change and get over yourselves.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

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