By Joel Murphy
(In no particular order.)
The price of gas. It cost me almost fifty bucks to fill up my gas tank the other day, which is insane. I’m ready to buy an electric car or take a bicycle everywhere. Why aren’t we drilling in Alaska? I don’t care about the enviromental concerns. At this point, if you told me kicking a dolphin could save me a buck or two per gallon, I’d nail field goals with Flipper.
Our government. I miss the days when I used to worry about Big Brother watching my every move. After seeing how inadequate our governments was at handling the fallout from Hurricane Katrina, I realize that even if there was a top secret government agency watching my every move, it would probably be run by one of George Bush’s college buddies and it wouldn’t be the least bit effective.
Presidential election bumper stickers. Either your guy won or he lost – it doesn’t matter because the election is over. Take the bumper sticker off your car. Letting the world know that you voted for John Kerry isn’t going to fix shit in this country, it’s just going to show everyone that you backed a loser.
The way they package CDs.
Books For Dummies. If you are reading one of these books, you are obviously a moron. No really, it says so right in the title. Personally, if I want to learn something new, I don’t need to be insulted while doing it. So, I will continue to stay away from this series unless they change the name to “Books for Otherwise Intellegent People Who Happen to Be Unknowledgeable On This Particular Topic.”
PG-13 movies. Stop watering down R-rated movies so that kids can get into them. I’m 24-years-old and I want to see more violence and nudity in movies than your average 13-year-old can handle. Besides, teenagers are broke. I actually have a job and a car I can use to drive to the movie theater. Make movies for me. I miss the days when your average cop movie always found a way to lead the investigation into a strip club for some random nudity. Can’t we bring that back? How about some graphic violence? Stop cutting away during the best parts. Hopefully the recent success of good R-rated movies like The 40 Year Old Virgin and Wedding Crashers will convince Hollywood to stop watering shit down.
Reality TV. It’s had a nice run, but I think it’s time to just let it die in peace like every other stupid fad. There is nothing real about it anymore. I love watching a bunch of average people fighting and hooking up as much as the next person, but these days all of the reality contestants look like out of work actors and the shows seem more scripted than some of the serious dramas out there. I’d rather have them put five more CSIs on the air than have to watch a Martha Stewart Apprentice show or Big Brother 37.
Televisions inside minivans. Every time my brother and I are driving down the road and we see a minivan with a little television screen showing some random Disney movie, we both get pissed off. Now, my brother gets upset because he feels that kids today spend too much time staring at television screens. He thinks that kids don’t need tv screens in cars, portable video games and all of the other televisions in public places that keep popping up to keep children quiet and save parents from actually having to do any parenting. But my anger comes from somewhere else – I’ve read stories about showing porn on these minivan screens, so everytime I see a one showing Aladdin, I just feel cheated.
The new passing cone feature on Madden 2006.
Feeling like an old man. As I mentioned above, I’m only 24, but I feel like I’m 60. More and more I find myself saying stuff like “these kids today” and “when I was young.” I’m not sure what is going on with me lately, but I was in 7-11 the other day and I couldn’t get over how expensive candy bars have gotten. You used to be able to get three Mr. Goodbars for 99 cents. You just had to walk up a hill in the snow to get them.
The loss of peace and quiet. I was at a Redskins game recently where they had a moment of silence for someone who had died and still you could hear people talking or yelling out random shit the whole time. Why can’t people be quiet anymore? You can’t even go into your local library or movie theater these days without some dumbass talking loudly on their cellphone. Why can’t people just take a moment and shut the fuck up? Trust me, your conversation isn’t interesting enough for everyone in the room to be listening to, so just hang up the phone and shut your mouth. When did we get so dependant on cell phones anyway? How did we make it so long without talking to our friends and family ever five minutes, yet now we can’t live with out them. I hate cell phones and I hate talking to people. I tell you, every day I get closer and closer to just living in a cave.
Joel Murphy is the creator of Hobo Trashcan, which is probably the reason why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at: firstname.lastname@example.org