By Joel Murphy
(In no particular order.)
Bad lap dances. Face facts honey, no one cares about your amateur dance background. Just stick with the bread and butter … or, in this case, stick to buttering my bread.
Subway restaurants. You’ll never be as good as Quiznos and you should stop trying to toast your subs immediately. Seriously, you don’t know what you are doing. Step away from the toaster oven. And just get rid of Jared, your asexual pitchman. I liked him better when he was Pat on Saturday Night Live. He doesn’t make me want to buy sandwiches. He just makes me secretly wish he’d get fat again so I don’t have to see him on my television anymore. But, I can tolerate all of that. But, the last time I went into a Subway, the girl didn’t even cut my sub in half and she couldn’t figure out how to roll my footlong BMT inside the wrapper. If this is what passes for a “sandwich artist” these days, I fear for your immortal souls.
Petitions. Your favorite television show gets cancelled, so you go online and sign your name to some meaningless Internet petition. What the fuck is the point? Do you think this is going to make a difference? What is the success rate on these petitions? Have they ever worked? I can’t imagine you can ever get enough signatures to make a difference because if enough people really cared, then the show would get great ratings and it would still be on the air. That being said, if HBO ever cancels The Wire, I’ll sign every petition I can find. I might even be one of those losers who pickets outside their office building. So come on, HBO, nobody wants that. Keep greenlighting.
Stores that put Christmas decorations up three months in advance.
Christina Aguilera’s wedding. We are officially running low on whorish pop singers. Ever since Britney Spears went out of her way to shatter her sexy image by giving up shoes, bathing and proper dieting, it was sort of comforting knowing Christina was still out there being as “dirrty” as she could be. With her shacking up, that puts a lot of pressure on Jessica Simpson. Besides, it probably really hurts Christina’s chances of ending up in Hustler.
Oil companies. I think it’s time the American people got to do some gouging of their own. Let’s start with these oil CEOs eyes. Or maybe their kidneys. And when we are done beating the piss out of these people, lets stack them all up in a big pile and start a massive bonfire. Lord knows, with what it costs to heat our houses these days, we are going to need the warmth this winter.
Democrats. I’m sorry, but you are all to blame for Bush still being in the White House. Everything around this guy is crumbling and you still can’t hit the death blow? Clinton got his knob polished and there was an independent council and an impeachment. Bush lied about the war in Iraq, his approval ratings are plummeting and everyone in his inner circle is being indicted or investigated for something. Grow a set and get this guy out of there immediately. If you could have found someone better than John Kerry or Al Gore, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. And don’t even think about having Hillary run in the next election, because that shit isn’t going to fly either.
Little baby kittens. Yeah, I said it. Deal with it.
Instant replay in the NFL. I’m not against the concept because lord knows, the refs need all the help they can get. But, what was put into place to help refs make the right call is now just a way for them to blow the call a second time based on the pretty liberal standard of “indisputable visual evidence.” If you are fucking blind to begin with, I doubt you are going to see indisputable evidence under that stupid little hood. And why can’t certain plays be challenged? I think you should be able to throw the red flag for anything, regardless of whether someone was ruled down by contact or a whistle blew for no reason. If they can fuck it up, you should be able to challenge it.
The International Star Registry. For $139 (plus shipping and handling), you can buy a “personalized star chart” and a “complimentary personalized wallet card imprinted with the star name and coordinates.” What a perfect way to show a loved one how incredibly bad you are with money. Seriously, if you want to do something special and practical, spend two dollars and have your significant other’s name printed on a grain of rice. That way, if things go bad, they can always eat it.
Random thought of the week:
Two words – open bar.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably the reason why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at: firstname.lastname@example.org