Rachel Sterling has the face of an angel and an amazing body … of work. In addition to being one of the most photographed women on Al Gore’s Internet, she has also appeared in Wedding Crashers and on The Man Show – two surefire ways to ensure most of the men in the country have enjoyed her talents.

Even though she’s just finished filming her next movie role and she’s in the process of putting together her own Voltron vanity group, Rachel took a few minutes out of her busy schedule to sit down and talk to us about everything from cauliflower ear to Tara Reid boobs as we learn about the life of a hottie.

Before we get started, tell us a little bit about yourself. Where are you originally from and tell us a little bit about your childhood?

I feel like I’m in therapy. I grew up back and forth from Texas to California.

So do you call Texas or California home?

Well, my sister lives in California, so I would call California home, I guess. The rest of my family lives in Texas.

Where you always one of the most popular kids in high school, or were you more of a late bloomer?

I was definitely a late bloomer. My mom was really strict, so I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans and I had really big glasses and was very flat chested. Plus, I was kind of geeky.

If you consider yourself a late bloomer, how old were you when you “blossomed,” so to speak?

Probably when I was 19.

Is that when you began modeling? How did that come about?

The modeling thing was a joke, actually. I was in Santa Barbara trying to go to college, I didn’t finish. A couple of my friends were in a photography school out there and they just needed to finish an assignment. I was really, really shy and I didn’t want to do it. They were like, “No, no, no, just do it.” Then one thing lead to another and here I am.

You have to be one of the most photographed human beings on the planet. How many photo shoots are you a part of each year?

I have no idea. I know last year alone I did over 20 photo shoots and I was on the road a lot promoting Wedding Crashers. I managed to squeeze in at least 20, I know for sure. I’m actually scheduling some shoots now. I just finished up doing a little art project with Scott Caan – we were just going to shoot a roll of film and it ended up like five rolls of film later. It’s kind of one of those things where you accidentally keep shooting.

Some people might not know this, but you played a pivotal role on one of the most groundbreaking television shows of the last decade or so – you were a Juggy on The Man Show. How did that job come about and how exactly does one audition for such a role?

I was friends with all of the girls that were Juggys on the original Man Show. I’ve known Vanessa since I was 18 and a lot of the girls, we’re all actresses, of course, so we’d go on auditions together or we’d done Hawaiian Tropics or something crazy like that. So it was basically like going to work with eight of your friends and just being a crazy person.

As for the auditioning, I know I got picked because I did the sketch comedy for a year and a half before I joined the cast. They would just kind of see who had a decent sense of humor and kind of go from there. They did this weird auditioning process, where they were like, jump up and down and scream and stuff like that, but I think that was more for their own amusement.

What was it like working on that show when it was still good and how long were you involved with it?

(Laughs) All in all, I was a regular cast member for a season and I did the sketch comedy for two seasons. So, I got a few seasons under my belt with them. It was so much fun. A lot of people don’t realize how hard of a job it is, though. You’ve got to get there at 8, no being late, and you go straight into hair and makeup and there’s a whole bunch of us, so there’s not like there’s a lot of downtime like there is on most sets. You are constantly rotating into wardrobe – there’s set changes and wardrobe changes for every segment and we would tape three shows in one day. So we had to do all of the blocking and rehearse, rehearse, rehearse because if you are not in a certain space when we are actually filming live, then you’ve messed up the shot. There’s no do-overs. And if you’re not in the shot, then you’ve messed up a cue for somebody else. It’s not just jumping around.

So, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla, what can you tell us about them?

I love them to itty-bitty pieces. They were such a fun team to work with and they have this horrifying sense of humor and they’re just disgusting and I love it because I’m disgusting. Sometimes I have these disgusting thoughts and I just say them and they’re the only two people probably on the planet that won’t look at me like I’m crazy.

You realize when you say something open ended like that, you’re going to have to share with the class. What kind of thoughts are we talking here?

I can’t really think of anything now, you’re putting me on the spot. I will laugh at any fart or poop joke. They happen to really like the fart and poop jokes. So, if there’s anything that the end of the joke is like “something sphincter,” I will laugh. Most girls would go, “Eww, that’s so disgusting.” I will completely laugh and cry from laughing so hard. I turn into like 10 years old again.

You’re definitely a girl after our heart then because that’s definitely our demographic there.

In addition to The Man Show, you’ve found your way onto another Comedy Central show – playing the role of Madam Caramel on Reno 911. What makes that show enjoyable is that a large part of it is improvised. Is that a challenge for you or is it something you really enjoy doing?

I loved it. I thought it was fantastic. I was actually really excited to be part of something that is improv. The characters are so good. There are some scenes, because, you know, they break them up among two seasons. When I watch the show, I don’t know what is coming first – what scene. Some scenes, its just as simple as looking at them like they’re crazy. In some scenes, I’m trying to come up with a whopper back. The camera just keeps rolling. I remember we rolled camera for about 20 minutes on one scene. It just kept going and going.

Do they just give you a ball park of where they want to see the scene go and you’re kind of free to play with it?

Yeah, I was in an acting conservatory for years, so it’s the same thing, except, I’ve never taken a comedic class. All of my classes have always been dramatic. I was really happy that I got an opportunity to do that. It’s kind of like dancing, you know. They were good instructors. They lead well and it was really easy to follow them.

You played a role in the biggest comedy of 2005 – Wedding Crashers, which recently came out on DVD. What was it like working on a movie with such a talented cast? Was it a fun atmosphere? Did you hang out with Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn?

The atmosphere was surprisingly fun, fun, fun. The director was amazing and all the people in production really wanted it to be a fun project. Everybody was treated really, really nicely and they really kept the momentum going. I worked with Vince Vaughn and there was some downtime when we got to hang out. We were just chatting about random stuff. It’s definitely an opportunity that I’m very happy that I got a chance to do.

And we do think you were easily one of the biggest people in that movie. A lot of good things from the character “Brunette.”

(Laughs) Yes, I was really upset I didn’t get a name though.

If you could name your character, what would her name be?

Maybe her name would have been like Josie because she had that flippy hair.

We understand you are currently working on a film called Price to Pay, which is being produced by Brad Wyman, who also produced Monster. What can you tell us about the film and your role in it?

The film is an 80s piece, so we are definitely eighties-ed out, which is an exciting process. I don’t really remember the 80s much. I was a little kid, so I guess I didn’t really pay attention to what I was wearing. I don’t think my hair has ever seen this much hair spray. My hair was crunchy – I washed it, it was still there. And, oh my gosh, so much makeup. People really went out like this? It’s crazy.

But, it’s an 80s – it’s a timepiece and it’s about this group of friends – it’s a drug culture movie, definitely. The Price to Pay – all of these horrible things start happening. They’re coming of age, but in the movie, they all should have come of age already. It’s the first time I’ve gotten to do something that was super dramatic on camera. One of the lead characters overdoses and I’m friends with them, so I got to cry and react. I was a big mess – makeup everywhere – and actually got a little sick. There was a lot of drugs going on and I can’t even watch fake needles. Good times.

Did you have to resist the urge after a long day of filming to go out with the 80s hair and makeup?

I left it on when my girlfriend came over. She wanted to borrow some double stick tape. Double stick tape, for everyone that doesn’t know, you usually use it for wigs. But you put it on your boob and you put it on the fabric of the clothes you’re wearing, so you don’t have a “Tara Reid moment,” where your nipple is hanging out. I’m really paranoid about that, so I double stick everything.

She came over and I still had this make up on and she laughed at me. I said, “It doesn’t look that bad,” and she said, “Oh, yes it does.”

What direction do you hope to take your career from here? What type of roles would you like to play down the road? Which actors or directors would you like to work with?

I’d really like to do a romantic comedy. I think because of what I look like, it’s harder for people to envision me in a dramatic role. So I think it’s a little easier for people to take me as a funny person. I’d love to do a dramatic role, but I think I’ll wait a couple of years. Every time I audition for something, I’m always auditioning for a kid – like a teenager or something like that.

So in your romantic comedy, who would be starring opposite of you?

I would love to come back and star with Vince Vaughn. I think that would be a fantastic full circle. Wouldn’t that be great? We could sit on set, “Remember when I was Brunette? When I was Josie?”

Are you worried about getting typecast?

A lot of people worry about getting typecast, I’m just so happy to get cast.

You are a member of the Purrfect Angelz. For those who aren’t familiar, who are the Purrfect Angelz? How did you get involved with them and what can you tell us about their shows?

One of my good friends, Lisa Ligon, she was a Dallas cheerleader and she just has this amazing group of all of our friends that all have dance backgrounds. They performed for the troops for the USO tour. They are kind of into the biker scene, a bit, they do the Easy Rider tour and stuff like that.

I still try to help out with fundraising for them, but I actually started my own group. I’m like a dance group whore. I was a Pussycat Doll, then I took a break, I wanted to have fun with my friends. The Purrfect Angelz is more about dancing with my closest friends – Pussycat Dolls is more corporate. Then, I kind of missed performing, so I ended up calling together the formation of Voltron – who do I know that’s a model that has credits that’s in a FHM, Maxim, something like that? I just kind of went through the list in my head of who I wanted and I came up with this group of girls. We are actually having our first press shoot on the 29th.

So what is your Voltron group called?

It’s called Sugar Blush. The Sugar Blush beauties.

And what do you hope to accomplish with them?

It’s completely a vanity project. (Laughs) I wanted to dance, I wanted to perform. I was going to dance class anyway, so I thought maybe I should put together a little group and we all have credits and we all do appearances. And sometimes when you are not doing anything, you wish there were more appearances to travel on the road more. So, work begets work, why don’t we put together an act and take the show on the road when we’re not doing anything. Of course, now that it’s coming together, I bet anything all of us will book movies and we won’t be able to do anything.

One of our favorite parts of your resume is your stint as an XFL cheerleader. What was it like being a part of that experimental league and do you wish it had been more successful?

I don’t know a thing about football, so it was very confusing for me. The outfits were kind of cute – it was more of a dance thing for me. We didn’t exactly know what was going on. They were like, “Okay, now jump up and down.”

The common theme is – as long as there’s dancing involved, you’re game.

I’ve got to surrender to the beat.

Although you may not be a big football fan, we did hear you’re a big Ultimate Fighting Championship fan. What is it about UFC that you like?

I think I just like the carnage. It’s kind of like the Romans. There’s something about sweaty men beating the pulp out of each other that just makes me giggle. I find the cauliflower ear quite hysterical.

Enough about that other stuff and back to what’s important – you. How often do you get recognized in public? Can you go out in public without guys hitting on you?

I think it’s strictly a numbers game. I think even if I wasn’t on television, that’s just what guys are programmed to do. It’s like girls and shopping. I think half the time they’re not really trying to get my number, they’re just bored. At least that’s what I tell myself.

If you would be so kind, we’d love to hear an example or two of some of the worst pick-ups lines that guys have tried on you.

Guys, if a girl looks up at you and smiles and continues to talk to you, proceed. If the girl looks up and says hi, then turns around or starts playing with her phone or is doing anything to ignore you, take a walk. Do not proceed to whip out your cell phone and say, “Can I get your number?” Well no, honey, because if I wanted to be talking to you, I’d be speaking to you. We are in a day and age where women will go after what they want, so unless you are Amish and living on the plain, you don’t need to try so hard. Every guy that hits on me absolutely gets nowhere. The guy that gets me is the one that says something nice and then leaves and like completely ignores me.

Do you have a type?

In the past, I’ve always gone for the blue-eyed artistic type. I’m dating someone now who definitely doesn’t have blue eyes and is everything opposite. Definitely one common theme is they have a lot of patience because you need a lot of patience to deal with me day in and day out. I’m very strange.

There’s impromptu dances, there’s questions like, “Baby, what if I passed out here on the middle of the floor and jell-o came out of my nose?” I puppeteer my dog a lot, I have conversations with my dog. Sometimes, my boyfriend looks at me and says, “What did I get myself into?” I’m really messy, I hate cleaning, but at the same time I’m very anal retentive, where I want stuff put away, I just don’t want to put it there. I always have to be right. Oh, and I’m a horrible backseat driver.

Tell us something not many people know about you.

I eat like a pig. I’m a junk food junkie. I will eat any type of pizza, any type of hamburger. If I don’t have to get out of the car, I’m happy. I like white trash food – like Frito pie.

We’ve got one last thing for you here. We’re going to do a word association. We’ll just throw out a name and tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.

Hollywood.

Fake boobs.

Wedding Crashers.

Cake. Boobs and cake.

Madam Caramel.

Ugly lingerie. The cheesiest lingerie. Boobs, cake and lingerie.

Rachel Sterling.

Cornball.

The future.

Hopefully lots of money. Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a lot of stuff that will put a smile on your face.

Interviewed by Brian Murphy, January 2006. Price to Pay is schedule to be released in May. Rachel will be filming six episodes of The Price is Right in February and she will be featured in the March issue of Playboy magazine.

You might ask how my obsession with hobos all began.

It all started when I saw a magnificent piece of cinematic history, The Journey of Natty Gann, in 1985, at the tender age of six. I left the theater with popcorn stuck in my teeth and a twinkle in my eye, firmly determined to befriend a wolf and set off on a train ride with John Cusack. Super fun.

Alas, my parental units did not agree with my bright idea (haters!), and dragged me kicking and screaming back to school, forcing me to consume things other than baked beans and hot dogs. They even went so far as to buy me a kitten. A kitten? Do I look like a pussy to you, Mom and Dad? I want a freaking wolf!

Hopes dashed, the years passed and since that time, I have grown a fondness for indoor plumbing and cable television and a permanent address. But I still have the heart of a hobo — I gobble up hot dogs whenever I can, only shower on a semi-regular basis and then there was that glorious afternoon I spent recently in the train yard with those two men, that package of wieners and the video camera … but perhaps that is a story for another day.

Lately I have even contemplated getting some hobo symbols inked on my body, to give hobos the sign that a “kind woman lives here” (a cat) and that I am a “good place for a handout” (a circle with an “x” in the middle). But for some reason my friends even thought that was a bad idea. Haters.

When I was asked to be the official website girl for HoboTrashcan, you can imagine my joy and rapture. How did they know I was a really a hobo, behind this glamourous front? Does it show? All I can say is, this is a match made in heaven. I hope you enjoy my hobo girl pictures … and until next time, catch you on the next train to anywhere!

xoxo
- Tara

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You can argue that Phil Hellmuth is a sore loser or a bit of a brat at the poker table, but you certainly can’t say he isn’t successful. He has won nine World Series of Poker bracelets, including winning the main event at age 24. In addition with his time at the card table, Hellmuth also keeps himself busy with a number of side projects, but he recently took the time to speak with us about what it’s like living the life of a poker superstar.

You began playing poker professionally shortly after graduating from the University of Wisconsin. What made you decide to take up cards as a profession, and how tough was it for you to make it early on?

Well, I started playing in games around the University of Wisconsin campus and the next thing I knew, I had $20,000 in the bank. And this is like 1986. I mean, back then if you made 30 thousand a year, that was pretty good, right? Here I had 20 thousand in cash in the bank and my loans were paid off. Back then, in Vegas you could win $10,000 to $20,000 pretty easily in a day. The World Series of Poker in ’89 when I won it was $750,000 for first. I told myself, “Where else can I make this kind of money?” So I started playing poker professionally. I never had a job. I had a job when I was in college, but I never had to work.

Was it something you always wanted to do?

I don’t even think that people knew playing poker professionally was possible back then. Now, you fast forward to this climate and poker is on television every day. But back in like 1995, most people didn’t even know you could be a professional poker player.

You won your first World Series of Poker title at the age of 24 and you have won a total of nine bracelets since then. With so many people entering the tournament every year, what do you think your chances are of winning more WSOP titles in the future?

Well, I’ll probably win at least ten more. They are going to have 40 World Series of Poker events this year. So, there is 39 plus the main event – the main event is the bracelet I won in ’89 when I was 24 and I’ve won eight since then. I know with 40 events, I’ll probably play in 20 of them. I have a talent to play poker and win poker tournaments. And Doyle Brunson and Johnny Chan both won one last year, so there’s no reason why I can’t win one this year. They both went to bracelet number 10, I’m still on nine.

Do you think you’ll ever win the main event again?

I believe I’m going to win the main event at least one more time in my life. A lot of people out there want to spout the math. There’s five or six thousand players – there will never be less than six thousand players in the main event for the next 30 years, which I believe is the case. It’s just going to be a huge, huge field. But so what? I have to believe I’m going to win it. I don’t care about the math. I’m someone who thinks big and does big. I wanted to write a best-selling book and I did it. I wanted to win the World Series of Poker and I did it. I wanted to make a lot of money in business and I’ve done it. I think that you have to believe. If you don’t believe, then don’t play.

You touched on this a little bit, but I wanted to follow up – do you think poker will continue to grow in popularity or do you think this is its 15 minutes of fame, and the bubble will burst at some point?

I really think poker is going to get bigger. It’s a new philosophy that I have just recently acquired. Seeing the number of high school and college age kids and younger that just love poker and understanding that these kids, a lot of them have to give up on their dreams of being a great athlete early. How many kids can be a great basketball player? How many kids can be a great football player?

Well, in poker – all races, nationalities, sizes, it doesn’t matter what you do, who you are – male, female – you can become a great poker player. I think these kids understand it. There’s a lot of money in it, too. I think because you have so many young people striving to be great – and you know what, they don’t have to give up early, they see that someone like Chris Moneymaker can win it or Greg Raymer or Robert Varkonyi. I mean, look at Steve Dannenmann, he was the fourth best player in his game, he finished second in the World Series, won $4.5 million. So people know it’s possible. So I think poker is going to continue to get hot.

Obviously, poker has been widely glamorized over the last couple years on television as its popularity continues to grow. What is the life of a poker professional really like? Talk a little bit about the ups and downs of a full-time poker player.

You’re talking about the life for everyone else or the life for me? The life for me has been pretty amazing. I’ve had plenty of downs, but I never let the downs bring me down. I never got into alcohol. I mean, sure I’ll go to the VIP club and drink Don Perignon Rose and spend $4,000 on my bar bill. But I’ve never become close to an alcoholic. I’m not a drug guy. I’m not a big gambling guy. I’m not off playing the other games. I have been playing some high limit slot machines. But I think I’m getting comped enough to cover whatever I’ve lost at that. I’m not really a heavy addicted type of person. So, the downs for me, I could always look beyond that.

If I was having a down week or a down month, I’d look to the future and I’d say, “You know what? In a month I’m going to be rich.” So I always bought in and looked toward the future. The downs didn’t effect me as much. And I like being on stage, I like the pressure. So that’s just me. And life’s been pretty nice for me. Dealing with the downs has taught me to become a better person and dealing with the downs has given me a lot of wisdom.

I think some of your readers, if they are going to do this for a living, they’re going to start drinking too much or they are going to get into drugs or they’re going to get into gambling and it’s not necessarily going to be as easy a life for them as it was for me. Maybe they don’t like playing under pressure. Maybe it’s going to age them quickly.

But for me, I feel terrific. I’m young, I’m taking care of myself. I’m working out. I’ve got a couple of kids and a wife. Life’s a lot of fun. Some of the most famous athletes in the world know me. I give speeches and do events at $50,000 a night. I’m doing commercials. We shot a commercial for the Super Bowl for Diet Pepsi. Life’s been pretty good for me. My books are selling like hot cakes. My DVDs are flying off the shelves. My cell phone game with a company called Summus has 500,000 downloads. I’ve been very fortunate. And at the top of my list is my wife and kids and health. I have a list that I look at every morning and the first thing I say is, “Thank God for my health.” I have it up on my mirror and the first thing I say is “Rejoice evermore” which is a quote from John Adams that I like. I’m not particularly religious, but I like that. Rejoice evermore and be thankful everyday.

In addition to playing poker professionally, you are involved in a number of side projects. We know you work with UltimateBet.com, you have written several poker books, you have multiple endorsement deals and there is even a movie about your life in the works. Do you feel like you are “selling out” at all? How do you respond to purist who think it should just be about the poker?

I’ve got to be honest with you – I’ve never ever heard anyone say that I’m selling out. I promote the sport of poker. I tell the other top players, “You damn well better be rooting for me to get a deal with Nike because Reebok is coming to you.” So the top players are rooting for each other and I’m out there promoting poker. I’m making poker a bigger sport. I recognize that I have a direct interest in how poker does and I have a direct interest in promoting myself. I’m not out there promoting poker just to promote it. There are a few people out there that say, “I’m promoting poker just because it’s poker” and meanwhile they are lining their pockets and I think that’s very hypocritical. I’m out there, I’m promoting myself and poker and I’m making a fortune, but I’m also really good for the game. Selling out? I’m not like a rock star or something. I’m a poker player.

What exactly is “Camp Hellmuth”? What is it and how did it start?

Camp Hellmuth is a vision I had way back in 1998. What I was going to do was charge $10,000 a head and bring in 20 to 30 people and do it up at the Sonoma Mission Inn. That was the original concept I had. But I go so busy with so many projects and so bogged down I never did it. So finally a smart group of guys approached me and said, “Phil, let’s have a camp at $3,000 entry fee and we’ll let as many people come as come.” The first camp went amazingly well and there was all this amazing energy. The energy there was palpable. It’s weird, I can’t really explain it. The energy was huge – everyone had a great time. We’re going to do it again in February. This time, it’s a $1,999 buy in and I think they have to pay for their own hotel. We think this thing is going to be huger and huger.

We have to ask you about the 2004 Tournament of Champions. It seemed like Annie Duke was able to get you off your game when you two were playing head to head. By the end of the tournament, you seemed quite flustered. Talk to us about how everything played out and what was going on in your head.

I wasn’t flustered. I thought she had two pair in that hand, I said it. It’s one thing to talk and carry on a conversation, it’s another thing to go on tilt. I mean, there was not much I could do. She had top pair against me. Most people would have gone broke that hand where she showed me the nine, where I had king-seven. I not only told her what she had, I said two pair and then I made the great lay down. I’m really proud of that. I had to throw away a bunch of strong hands against her and I think if it came reverse, maybe I would have busted her. I think she was really lucky. She was all in so many times that if you do the math towards her winning every one of those pots, it’s crazy. The one against Howard, she was four and a half to one. There were a bunch of pots where she had narrowly the best hand, like ace-eight against nine-ten. The math against her winning every one of those hands was like 120 to one. Afterwards, when I said, “She must have been at least 30 to one underdog,” I wasn’t saying she was a 30 to one underdog to win a ten person tournament. I was saying rather the way she had put her money in, she was a big underdog.

When she showed you the nine, at the time did you think you were wrong to lay down those cards? Was it something where you watched the broadcast later and realized you were right?

In general, if you watch television and I call somebody’s hand, you’re going to find out I’m right. It’s what I do. If you want to be the best poker player in the world, you read people well. Yeah, she tried to put me off my game, but I made the right move. I even called her hand. When I looked at the broadcast later, I was pretty impressed. I’m like, “Wow, I called her hand.” I was pretty proud. Looking back, I was supposed to go broke on that hand. Something that I have in me told me that she’s super strong piped up. I was proud of that. There was a straight draw and a flush draw on the board there. She could easily have a straight or a flush or a nine.

I don’t think that I tilted and I don’t think anyone’s accused me of tilting. That’s the second thing you’ve kind of accused me of that I’ve never heard before. I’ve never heard anyone say sell out before.

Are there certain players you prefer to play against? Likewise, are there particular players you’d rather not play against? Does it matter to you who is at the table with you?

Sometimes I like having certain players. I like having Layne Flack at the table. Not because I can beat him, but because he makes me laugh. I like Daniel Negreanu at the table. Not because I can beat him, but because he’s going to put a smile on my face. Some of these guys I like to play with just because they’re friendly. I like it when I’m at a table of people who know me because when I start to whine and get a little crazy, they just laugh at me because they know that that’s just part of me coming out that I can’t control.

We’ve got one last thing for you here. We’re going to do a word association. We’ll just throw out a name and tell us the first thing that comes to your mind.

Annie Duke.

Great player.

Las Vegas.

Love it.

Phil Ivey.

Great guy.

The World Series of Poker.

The best.

Phil Hellmuth.

Brat.

The future.

Bright. Blindingly bright.

Interviewed by Joel Murphy, January 2006. You can find out more about Phil Hellmuth on his website.

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Carrie Nations

Not long ago, a friend asked me if I believed in free will. Sure, the whole concept of having our life choices being up to ourselves can be interpreted in many ways, and the idea of free will is vague in itself, but I guess I do believe in free will. Or rather, I always have. Free will may be nothing more than a myth, but I’ve always found it to be comforting to think that I hold the power to the outcome of my life. So maybe that’s just the purpose it serves – comfort. After telling my friend that I believed in it, the questions started.

“So do you not think that everything has a cause?”

“If everything has a cause, and as a result of that cause, there is an effect, where is your free will? Where do you come into play if everything is already determined by an original cause?”

And then of course, he goes into his spiel of free will vs. Determinism vs. Big Bang theory vs. the reason why I chose the panties I wore that day and how that effected the chances of me getting laid that evening and the big grass grows all around and around and the big grass grows all around. I took in what I could, but let’s face it, I’m not an intellectual. I’ve never claimed to be. I’m just somewhat clever, occasionally witty, and always wise.

While my friend thinks I never take his heated debates seriously, I do. I appreciate the ways it allows me to reflect upon my own life, and since 2005 has come to a close, I appreciate the reflections even more. 2005 was not a good year for me. Sure, it had its ups as well as the downs, but when I try to put both into a category to see who has the advantage, the downs wins the race by way more than a nose. The only good thing I can say about 2005 is that I’m glad it is over. I feel I made some really bad decisions which ultimately gave into the outcome of me having a bad year. Free will, right? The responsibility of me having the shittiest year ever falls solely into my hands since I hold the power. The year was up to me.

Or was it? After thinking that everything is pretermined by a previous cause or a effect, maybe I didn’t have so much to do with this past year being shitty for me. It was already in my cards. Something I did years ago set off some molecules in my body chemistry that gave into 2005 sticking it in my ass. Or maybe it’s all that the terrible events of this year led to more terrible events. Actually, when it’s put like this, maybe I like this line of thinking better.

This line of thinking puts a whole new perspective on 2005 for me. The New Year began with me finding out that my roommate Brooke was moving out suddenly. So, with the whole cause and effect thought process, as a result of Brooke moving out suddenly, we had to find a new roommate.

As a result of having to find a roommate on short notice, we let anyone who was interested move in without really finding out what kind of roommate they were in the past.

As a result of this, we ended up with Steve who spent more money on coke than he did on rent and bills.

As a result of this, Steve goes out of town one weekend and never shows back up.

As a result of this, we’re left with a room full of his stuff and no extra money on bills.

As a result of this, I start dating Jeff so he can pay for my dinners and my other roommate Brandon starts exploring alternate solutions to the living situation.

As a result of this, I’m unhappy with Jeff spending more money than attention on me, and Brandon finds two friends in Florida that need a roommate. Jeff and I break up, Brandon wants to move out.

As a result of this, I decide I have to find a place of my own and I’m scared.

As a result of this, I meet Joey, a guy completely different from Jeff. As a result of this, things move fast with Joey – I become completely smitten with him.

As a result of this, having him move into my own place with me doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

As a result of this, I become paranoid that since we’re living together I have to be this perfect girlfriend and I start catering to him and let a lot of stuff slip by.

As a result of this, he thinks he can get by with anything and in the mean time finds me “smothering.”

As a result of this, he stays out at all hours of the night, giving me lame excuses and I buy them.

As a result of this, I’m left home alone a lot and become really depressed by it.

As a result of this, my relationship starts to crumble.

As a result of this, he starts cheating on me.

As a result of this, I find out and he is booted out the door.

As a result of this, I’m left scarred by relationships, definitely jaded, living by myself and very very hurt. And there’s much more that happened involving this whole cause and effect thing but you get the gist of it.

So what have I been blaming 2005 on? Myself of course. I told myself I should have never jumped into a relationship with Joey so soon after just meeting him, I should have never asked him to live with me, I should have never bought his crap. I should have just moved into my own apartment and focused on myself. All of this, it’s my fault.

Or was it? Because I mean, looking back over what I just wrote, none of this would have happened if Brooke had never moved out. So maybe it’s Brooke’s fault!!! Or maybe I’m not even getting it. Like I said, I never claimed to be an intellectual. I’m just excited at the prospect of getting to blame someone else for my misfortunes.

The last dinner Joey and I had together was at a little Chinese place about a block away from our apartment. As usual, we waited until we both finished eating and then we opened up our fortune cookies to see what exactly our future was to hold. Mine was probably something lame, but I remember when Joey read his to himself, he crumbled up the fortune and threw it down on his plate.

“Mine was stupid too,” he said.

“Let me see,” I said and reached for the fortune.

The small red words said, “Avoid compulsively making things worse.”

I started laughing out loud. “Are you kidding me?” I couldn’t stop laughing. “This fortune is perfect for you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.

“Well you know, it just seems that every time something good starts happening for you, you seem to fuck it up somehow.”

“What am I fucking up now?”

I figured I would spare him a list, but gave him numero uno. “Us. You’re making things worse with us.”

“We’re fine,” he says, and tucks the fortune into the pocket of his jeans. “I’ll keep the dumb fortune anyway since you think it’s so fitting.”

So after talking with my friend about free will and determinism, reflecting on my past year and coming up with better excuses for the year’s events, I decided that perhaps this new year I’d start out resolution free, and instead try focusing on something more productive like getting my closet organized. Only once I started cleaning, I looked to the floor to find something I had completely forgotten about. The fortune.

“Avoid compulsively making things worse”. The more I thought about it, Joey was right. The fortune did not necessarily apply to him. It applied to me. For years I’ve led this topsy turvy lifestyle letting things ride smoothly for a short time, and then finding ways to throw it for a curve. I rarely think things through and I act more on impulse. If it feels right, I’ll do it, but that doesn’t really make it right, does it? Where has my logic been?

Surely, all of the events of 2005 could have been avoided if I had sat down and thought, “Hey, why don’t we shop around for a roommate? This way, we’ll have a better chance at finding someone who is responsible and reliable. Why move in the first person that is willing?”

With Jeff I should have just realized maybe he wasn’t that much into me as much as I wasn’t that into him. I mean, I told myself that I was, but that was because I liked the attention and I liked being pampered a bit. So I kept dragging it out until I was miserable enough to jump into a relationship with the first guy I met after we broke up.

With Joey it’s obvious – I should have taken my time with him. It could have possibly been a good relationship if I just wasn’t in such a rush in fall in love.

Avoid compulsively making things worse, Carrie. Use your head. And I know it’s not good to look to your past and list the could’ve, should’ve, would’ve’s, but in my case, I think it’s necessary. I’ll be 25 in 2006. It’s time to grow up. I’ve taped the fortune to my mirror so that I am forced to look at it every day.

So this is one life choice that IS completely up to me. Or is it really just a result of me having Chinese that day and reading Joey’s fortune that caused me to adopt this line of thinking? Either way, deep thinking makes my head hurt, so I was able to sip champagne in a more relaxed state of mind this past New Years Eve knowing that I will thoughtfully consider any decision I make in 2006 before jumping into them.

Of course, this means no one night stands occured on New Years Eve either. Such are the breaks when coming to terms with your life.

Carrie Nations’ first big decision of 2006 was whether or not she should drink the pink champagne or the regular champagne. They both taste the same, but she has always been a big fan of the color pink. She decided to mix the two. You can email her your New Years resolutions at sundaysgirl@gmail.com.

Paul Dini has done it all. He started out writing for classic 80s cartoons like Transformers, G.I. Joe and Masters of the Universe. Then, he went on to write for the groundbreaking Batman: The Animated Series. Now, he is writing for Lost, one of the hottest shows on television.

While he is certainly very busy these days writing for Lost, working on his comic Jingle Belle and adjusting to life as a newlywed, he was nice enough to take some time out to talk to us.

Let’s take it all the way back. As a child, did you read a lot of comic books and watch a lot of television? What were your interests growing up?

I did all the normal kid things. I didn’t read all that many comics. I didn’t read superhero comics at all until college because I didn’t find them all that interesting. I mainly liked comic strips and funny comics – things like Peanut collections and Pogo. We subscribed to three newspapers, so I pretty much got to see everything published in the Bay area between 1960 and 1980.

What got you interested in comics?

In college, in the early 80s, I was rooming with some people who were big comic fans and who actually managed a comic book store near Boston. Every Thursday night, one of my roommates would come home with a new comic, so I would read them and go, “Hey, these are pretty good.” He had a huge collection of various comics stretching back to the 50s. A lot of Jack Kirby comics, a lot of Will Eisner – some of the real groundbreaking and defining stuff of the comics medium. That was sort of my comics education.

You started your television career writing for animated shows. Was that something you always dreamed about doing or was it just a way for you to break into the business?

I always liked strip cartooning and I would draw my own comic strips all through college. When I began thinking about a career, it didn’t look like strip cartooning was that viable an option based on what they were buying at the time and what my interests were and how well I felt I could do it. But, I did get an offer to go to California for a while and work in an animation studio writing. I did that in the early 80s and started writing things like Fat Albert, Masters of the Universe, things like that.

You were also involved in Transformers and G.I. Joe. Seriously – those four have to be considered the grandslam of 80’s cartoons.

It was a good way to finish up my college years by having either a six month gig at an animation studio or be able to do some freelance work and pay off some college bills. I was reading the stuff and writing the stuff at the same time. And then, shortly thereafter I got an opportunity to go up to Lucasfilms in Marin County and work on the Ewoks and Droids cartoons, which was my first long steady gig.

Talk to us about that experience, and what it was like at the Skywalker Ranch working with George Lucas?

It was an amazing experience. It was like a once in a lifetime experience. I sort of looked upon it as graduate school to learn how to make films. Even though we weren’t making films, we had all the resources of Lucasfilms to draw on as far as creating the shows and George was accessible to us if we needed to ask him a question about anything. Early on, he was contributing quite a bit to the development of both those series and it was a very fun time.

My one regret about the way we did those shows was that there was no Cartoon Network at the time. There was no venue to show the cartoons and for us to really make what I thought was our best effort. I think the cartoons, Ewoks and Droids, turned out pretty well for the time and for what we were entrusted to do. But 15 years later when I saw Clone Wars, I was thinking it would have been fun to do that first Star Wars series with the same amount of freedom that Genndy Tartakovsky and his crew had because basically they had no network to answer to and no notes and constant orders to dumb it down.

The worst thing about Saturday mornings is basically the executives will tell you “dumb it down, the kids won’t understand. It can’t be too much action.” And then Clone Wars comes out and rocks the world and wins Emmys and everything. There was a big difference between 1985 and 2005 as far as what you could do and where you could show a cartoon.

So how frustrating is it dealing with network executives? Is it a constant battle?

With children’s programming, you’re dealing with people who may have failed in other elements of TV programming and wound up there because they have contracts and there is no other place for them. Very rarely do you get someone with a passion for children’s programming who really enjoys it.

The less you can deal with their creative restrictions, the better the show will be. You’ll always have the censor putting in their two cents worth, but, on the Warner Brothers stuff particularly, we did a good job censoring ourselves, so the notes were not as crippling as they might have been. But, the creative programming notes sometimes are just agony. You have people going back and forth for days over whether a character should wear berets or ribbons in her hair – which is hippest, which is freshest. The edict is to think young, hip and fresh coming from people who are none of those things.

You eventually went on to write for Batman: The Animated Series. How did that job come about and what was it like working on that program? How was working on Batman different from the other animated shows you had previously been a part of?

At the time we did Batman, which was about 14 or 15 years ago, we were coming off doing the Tiny Toons show, which had Steven Spielberg’s involvement and we also had Fox, which really wanted to do interesting programming for kids and it was kind of like a blessed time with a lot of coincidence working to our favor – that attitude was right, the network was right and the people doing the show were all right to do this as a united vision. And, for a while there, right up to the present day, we were getting away with some fun and interesting shows. I say getting away with because the norm is not that.

It’s distressing to work on a show like Batman, Batman Beyond and now on to things like Justice League where you’re really encouraged to raise the bar a bit and do shows that are engaging to children because they love superheroes, they love the basic design of them and they love the action and then you’re getting an older audience of tweens, teens and adults who may have been fans of the stuff growing up and you are hitting on all bases as far as the audience goes and you’re allowed to do that. You’re kind of on a little island there because the rest of the TV programming world is not like that. We were able to do the shows as best we can, but it’s kind of with the idea that the rest of the animation world isn’t like that and if we do another show it will probably be like a kids’ show or a Saturday morning show or an action adventure show.

You actually created Harley Quinn, who became so popular they even made her a part of Batman’s comic book universe. How did you come up with the idea for that character and how does it feel to have created such a well-received character?

Well, it feels kind of good. The way I created her was I was writing a story called “Joker’s Favor” and it was my first Joker story and I wanted to make it good and I wanted to make the Joker everything he is in the better comics books, which is funny and scary and egotistical and I thought maybe a foil would bring out some of those personality traits. The Joker traditionally has a couple of goons who work with him and we thought we’d throw in a couple of henchmen and then I started thinking about a hench-girl and what kind of girl she could be. I thought, one of the things they used to do in the old Batman series in the 60s is the villian of the week would usually have a gun moll of some type, so what if we gave the Joker a girl, but kind of did a riff on the sassy girl who followed him around and gave her a little bit more of a presence?

So, I decided to make her a funny counterpart to the Joker to maybe work up a little “Punch and Judy” attitude between them. Then, I thought, “What if the girl made jokes too, but her jokes were actually funny and the Joker looks for a reaction from his henchmen and he kind of has to scowl at them before they laugh and applaud, but the girl henchmen would naturally be funny and the guys would laugh at her more?” And the Joker would be irritated by that, but still have this strange relationship with the girl where she’d be part of the group. He wouldn’t just shoot her and throw her out.

I’m good friends with Arleen Sorkin, the actress who does Harley’s voice, and I kind of patterned the character after her a little bit because she’s very vivacious and very funny. I had seen her on Days of Our Lives at that time and in a little continuity clip, they had her character running around in a jester costume and I was thinking, “Oh, there’s kind of a sign.” So we cast her and she did the voice and I think the voice added tremendously to the appeal of the character and she just became a funny character to write, so we could write a Joker story without Harley and it would still be good and we could feature Harley in her own little stories. So she became another player in the Batman villainous universe.

The other day I was at a dime store or drug store and they had some toys off to the side and there was a DC magnet set and there was Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Supergirl, Batgirl and Harley. I thought it was kind of cool that Harley made the cut. She’s now kind of one of their more iconic characters.

Kevin Smith actually named his daughter after the character. How does that feel? Is that strange for you or is it a cool thing?

Oh, that’s very cool. That’s cute. It’s fun when I go over and visit and her mother, Jennifer, will say, “Harley Quinn, come up here right now.” I’m kind of touched that he decided to name his daughter after the character. She’s a sweet, sweet child.

Are you and Kevin Smith pretty close?

I know him pretty well. He lives a few miles away and when we throw parties, we invite each other. I’ve been on his film sets. We talk online. His wife is friends with my wife. What can I say? He’s a terrific guy, a very creative person and a good buddy.

You’ve created your own comic book called Jingle Belle. For those who aren’t familiar with it, what is the comic about and how did it come about?

I had gotten to know a lot of people in Los Angeles who were working in the film business and who were rather well known to the world at large and I was kind of wondering what their families thought of them. You might have a film director who’s known for making wonderful movies that touch hearts and souls of the world over or you may have a comedian who makes everybody laugh, but what happens when they’re at home and they are just dad? Do their kids see them the same way?

And I was looking around, not really to do a Christmas story, but a story that would kind of touch on those same feelings and I guess it just happened to be Christmas time and I was looking at a Christmas card from Steven Spielberg and his family and thought, “What if you took someone like Santa Claus, who also delights kids and use a story about his life?” Santa Claus, in popular mythology, has no children, but what if he did? My version of Santa was a bit younger than the traditional jolly old man and he had a teenage daughter and what if she was spoiled rotten? The idea that Santa gets along with every other child in the world except his own. He fell victim to perhaps overindulging his child as a lot of parents do and so she turned out kind of spoiled because, after all, who could give better presents than Santa Claus? So Jingle Belle is a teenage daughter and she’s grown up with sibling rivalry for the rest of the world. But I never wanted the book to be hateful; I wanted it to be more fun than anything.

As if your resume wasn’t impressive enough, you are now a part of one of the best show on television today, Lost. How did you get involved with the show, and what’s it like to be a part of such a tremendous success?

I was approached by Bryan Burke, who works with J.J. Abrams, about the possibility of contributing to this new show they were doing. I went in and talked to Damon Lindelof and he pitched the premise to me. He said, “This plane full of people goes down on this island and they all have to learn to get along together. It’s kind of live action Survivor – oh and there’s a monster.” Monster? Ooh, sign me up. I thought it was really great. They had liked my writing on things like Batman and I’ve kind of been all over the place in my writing, so they were looking for kind of a unique writing staff.

What sets Lost apart from most of the other shows out there today is the compelling story telling and the mystery involved with everything from the characters to the island itself. Talk to us about the process of working on this show. Did all of the writers sit down and write out the mythology of the island or was it something J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof had planned out in advance? How far into the future is the show planned out? Do you already know what is going to happen over the next few seasons or is some of that left up in the air?

Everything sort of hit the ground running and the show took a long time to sort itself out. I think that from the beginning, J.J. and Damon had definite ideas of where they were going to take the show and an overarching idea of where the show was going to begin and where it was going to end and a few key things along the way. Then we went into a long development process where we were all tossing ideas around to figure out the day to day of life on the island and who these characters were. So once we were picked up and the show started moving, Damon and J.J. had some long conversations about where the show would go and about the mystery element involved. Is every detail worked out in advance? No. But a lot of the big picture elements are worked out.

So can you tell us anything that is going to happen on the show?

Ah-hah. I’m sworn to secrecy about further Lost developments. If I let anything slip, a polar bear will be dispatched immediately to eat me.

The fans of Lost are like no other. As soon as a new episode is over, fans flock to message boards to try and figure out all of the subtle clues sprinkled in every hour of the show. People are literally watching frame-by-frame. Do you ever read any of them and, if so, do you ever shake your head at some of the crazy theories people have come up with?

I have been on some of the message boards and some of those theories aren’t so crazy. It shows that Lost is a series a lot of people feel emotionally connected to, much the same way viewers respond to a Star Trek series or a soap opera. The characters become very real to them, so it’s natural that fans would want to spend time thinking about what will happen to them. I’m sure there are a lot of great theories being generated about the Lost characters even as we speak, I just don’t have time to keep up with them all.

How often do friends and family try to get you give away secrets?

Every week. I tell them my brain is mind wiped after every story session and reinstated each subsequent meeting, but that excuse is growing thin.

In your opinion, which fans are more obsessive – Star Wars fans, comic books fans or fans of Lost?

Actually, I’ve found old record collectors beat them all. I was at a record convention in Austin, TX about seven years ago, looking for some old Bob Wills 45s for my juke box. Every time I went near a table, the dealers would snarl and show their decaying teeth as they hugged the precious sides to their soiled t-shirts. How about that? I now have Texans, record collectors and Bob Wills fans pissed off at me, too.

You’ve won five Emmy awards. Honestly, is there anything you can’t do? Talk to us about what it’s like to be recognized at such a high level.

It feels good. A lot of good writers work years without getting much attention, so I feel very fortunate to have been recognized, either by myself or as part of a talented team.

Tell us something not many people know about you.

I once did the screams for Vincent Price in an episode of Tiny Toons. He was not in good voice that day having just recovered from a bad cold, so every time he had to scream in horror, I did it for him. I told him I was trying to give it an Edward Lionheart feel from Theater of Blood mixed with just a smidge of his Dr. Phibes.

“Oh, that’s nice,” he said kindly, as if talking to an overzealous fan, which I guess he was.

We’ve got one last thing for you here – word association. We’ll just throw out a name and you tell us the first thing that comes to your mind.

Batman.

Cool.

Harley Quinn.

Fun.

The hatch.

A bunch of Japanese ninjas in suspended animation since World War II.

That was actually my dad’s original theory, but it was much better than mine, so I’m using it here.

4-8-15-16-23-42.

My measurements, but I’m not going to tell you where.

Paul Dini.

Misty’s husband.

The future.

Exciting.

Interviewed by Joel Murphy, January 2006. You can find out more about Jingle Belle by checking out the official website.Lost is on Wednesday nights on ABC.

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