Welcome to the first annual Note to Self awards. I know that if it’s the first one, then technically, it can’t be considered annual yet – but that doesn’t matter. This isn’t about poor journalism choices – it’s about recognizing what made the 2005 NFL season so damned memorable. Enjoy.
My first Selfie is known as the Paris Hilton “What exactly do you bring to the table?” award, and it goes to Baltimore Ravens QB Kyle Boller. Paris Hilton has never done anything to deserve the amount of attention she receives on a daily basis. Ditto for Boller. The best thing I can say about him is that he used to date Tara Reid. Seriously, this guy is so awful, that he was intercepted in a practice game BY A MISS USA PADGENT CONTESTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Maurice Clarett “Punch in the turdbowl” award goes to former Denver Broncos RB Maurice Clarett. That’s right, not since Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig disease has something been this easy to see coming. My brother argued “shouldn’t the award be named the turd in the punchbowl?” I had to tell him that in that scenario you’d have all that good punch, and a little turd to ruin it. With Clarett, it’s always been a lot of turd, with not much punch.
After growing tired of hearing everyone say that “any running back in Denver can run for 1,000 yards easy,” I bet my buddy Jason $20 that Denver’s offseason acquisitions Clarett and RB Ron Dayne couldn’t combine to get 1,000 yards. The odds were really in my favor after Clarett was cut during training camp – that is, until word came out over the weekend that the former Ohio State Buckeye was wanted by the Columbus, Ohio police on two counts of aggravated robbery. Now there’s no telling how far he’ll run.
The Alanis Morisette “If I re-release my only decent CD, but make the songs acoustic, will anyone care about me again?” award goes to Boller’s teammate, CB Deion Sanders. Way to hang around and collect a paycheck because you used to have talent, Prime Time. I’d ask what you’re doing on an NFL roster, but you play for the genius, Brian Billick, and local Baltimore rules prohibit questioning anything he does or says.
The HBO Real Sex award (part one) goes to the Minnesota Vikings for their memorable sex cruise on Lake Minnetonka just before their bye week.
According to reports by several Minnesota news outlets, about 17 players were among the approximately 90 people on two boats for a chartered cruise on Lake Minnetonka during the team’s bye week. Crew members on the boats alleged that the cruise was cut short because nude women were performing lap dances and sexual acts with male cruise participants, including some of the players. Talk about happy endings – four Vikings players were ultimately charged for their involvement in the “Mistake on the Lake,” and head mechanic Mike Tice was fired the minute the season ended.
The Adam Sandler “Hey, didn’t you used to be good” award goes to Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre. You say Little Nicky, I say the Packers are 4-12. Sounds about right, huh?
Along those same lines, the Corey Haim and Corey Feldman “Where are you now?” award goes to the Baltimore Ravens once-dynamic duo of Jamal and Ray Lewis. Just two years ago, Jamal was less than 100 yards away from breaking the NFL single-season rushing record and Ray Ray was the most feared player in the league. Now, Baltimore is trying to decide if either player figures into the team’s long-term plans. As you can see, the Ravens didn’t win very many games this season, but they sure cleaned up during the Selfies.
The HBO Real Sex award (part two) has been given to Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas, the two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who were arrested for having too much fun in a public restroom of a Tampa nightclub called, “Banana Joe’s.”
Witnesses claim Thomas and Keathley were having sex with each other in a stall when other patrons grew angry that the two were taking so long in the bathroom. Another woman waiting to use the bathroom told them to hurry up, and Thomas hit her in the face. The best part was, the girls were in Tampa on their own. Even though the Panthers were in town to play the Buccaneers, teams don’t take cheerleaders with them on road games.
If the girls like the town so much, they can move there – they were released from the cheerleading squad as soon as the story broke.
The Kwame Brown “At some point it’s not everyone else fault you suck” award goes to Detroit Lions QB Joey Harrington – with Houston Texans QB David Carr and Washington Redskins QB Patrick Ramsey accepting on his behalf. With Kwame it was “Michael Jordan is too hard on him.” Then it became “Coach Doug Collins yells at him too much.” Finally, everyone settled on the correct answer – Kwame sucks.
For fours years now, everyone has been waiting for one of these three quarterbacks to justify their first-round selection and become a Pro Bowl caliber quarterback. And we’re still waiting. I don’t care about Houston’s pitiful offensive line or the “Steve Spurrier effect” on Ramsey – at this point, these guys should have to pay teams to let them play on Sundays.
The HBO Real Sex award (part three) is presented to the fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers who took tailgating to the next level. Turns out that six women were performing lap dances inside a 40-foot motor home parked across from Raymond James Stadium. The mobile strip club was charging $20 to get inside, and then $20 to $40 apiece per dance, depending on whether the girls were topless or totally nude, police said.
Cops caught on the day of the Buccaneers game against the Chicago Bears, Nov. 27. Turns out it was the fourth game this tailgating bonus feature was offered. I guess the four men guarding the jet-black motor home, decorated with a sign for strip club called D’j’ vu, kind of gave it away. In the end, cops arrested everyone involved and seized more than $2,000 and the cameras the girls were using to photo each other during the fun.
(Quick sidenote – after noticing both the cheerleader and stripper fan incidents took place in Tampa, I’m a little surprise that the sex cruise didn’t happen there too. Was the Buccaneers’ pirate ship unavailable?)
And finally, the Grandpa Murphy “cut the cord” award goes to Philadelphia Eagles WR Terrell Owens. Quick story – many years ago, my grandpa brought a radio into work with him so he could listen to his country music throughout the day. Well, whenever he left the immediate area, several of his co-workers changed it to a local R&B station. He’d get so pissed that someone had touched his radio, that one day he finally snapped and he cut the power cord on his own radio so his co-workers couldn’t ever change the station again. He was too dumb to realize that he was only damaging his own radio. Sounds like T.O. to me.
Brian Murphy will neither confirm nor deny that he was part of the group of individuals involved in the PEPCO radio-changing fiasco. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.