One on One with Nonpoint’s Elias Soriano

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Nonpoint has scored hits with “What a Day” and their cover of the Phil Collins song “In the Air Tonight,” but with four albums now under their belt, lead singer Elias Soriano is clearly looking to the future. He took a few minutes out of his hectic tour schedule to talk to us about the band’s new album, To The Pain.

Let’s take it all the way back. Where did you grow up and what were your musical influences as a kid? What bands were your favorites?

I grew up in South Florida – Fort Lauderdale. I can’t say I’m really influenced by any particular style. I let the music that we do kind of inspire itself, hopefully.

When did you first know you wanted to be a musician?

I liked playing back in high school. I really didn’t know I was going to be a musician until I fell into meeting someone that was in a band. I really didn’t know I was going to be a musician growing up.

Before forming Nonpoint, what were you doing for a living?

Nothing really, waiting tables.

How many other bands were you a part of before this one?

None, this was my first band.

Talk to me about Nonpoint Factor. How did the band come together, and how did the name get shortened to just Nonpoint?

Robb and I were in a band for a couple months and then we played with Andy and Ken, who were in another band. We decided to jam out together and our side project turned into our main project.

For those who may not be familiar, how would you describe your sound and what makes you so different from everything else out there?

It’s heavy rock music. What each one of us likes, as far as music that we listen to, comes to the table when we sit down to do our music. Our likes and dislikes dictate what our sound turns into, I guess. I think that kind of defines our sound.

What was your first indication that you might be on to something with Nonpoint? Was there a point when you started feeling successful?

I guess playing locally, more and more people started showing up to the shows.

When “What a Day” started gaining popularity, what was it like to hear your single played on the radio for the first time? How crazy was that for you guys?

It was cool. Surreal. I was excited, just like I’m sure everyone who hears themselves on the radio for the first time is.

Has “What a Day” become your “Freebird,” so to speak the one song that everyone knows you for that the band just gets tired of playing?

No, not really. Fans of our band really don’t just listen to one of our songs. Real fans of our band know we have more than just one record, we’re on record number four. They know a lot of our music, not just one song.

One of our personal favorite tracks on your album Statement is “Tribute.” Talk to us a little bit about that track.

It’s just something fun that we decided to do. That was a long time ago. I don’t know why we really did that. We’re on record number four now.

I know you played at Ozzfest a few years ago. What was that experience like for you and for the group?

We played Ozzfest years ago – 2001. It was fun. We were a young band, still coming up.

When Recoil was released in 2004, your band gained even more recognition with your cover of Phil Collin’s “In the Air Tonight.” Your version of the song caught on so much that it’s been heard everywhere from the radio to Monday Night Football. What made you decide to cover that song?

It seemed like a fun song to cover. It was a song during the time we were growing up in South Florida was a cool song with not a lot of rock element in it. It was something that we wanted to give a shot.

Quick sidenote – do you buy into the whole urban legend about Phil Collins writing the song after witnessing a guy refuse to help another person who was drowning?

I’m not sure. There’s a lot of myths behind that. I don’t think that any one story is true.

I know your new album just came out, To the Pain. What was the process like writing and recording this particular album? Do you find it’s easier or tougher these days to put an album together?

I think we know what we want to sound like now. When we sat down to write the record, we knew exactly what we wanted to do. It was very easy decisions to say either yes or no to things. We did a lot of writing before we went in to the studio, then went into the studio and banged it out in about a month and a half.

Do you have a favorite track on the new CD?

I like them all. I like the song “The Wreckoning.” It’s a fun song to do. It’s a song that’s not about me or any of my experiences.

It’s been nearly 10 years since you guys first got together. How has Nonpoint changed from day one to now? What goals do you have for yourself and for the band?

I think we are able to tolerate ourselves a little more. I think we are getting better live. I see us in the future touring a whole bunch.

And you are actually on tour now, correct?

We are out with Sevendust right now. We are in Minneapolis. It’s a 10 week tour, we are on week number nine and a half. It’s been a cool tour. Long tour, sold out shows.

Have you guys been enjoying playing with Sevendust?

We’ve played with them a bunch of times. We enjoy going out there and putting on our show.

For anyone who has never seen a Nonpoint show live before, what can they expect?

We jump around a lot. We move around a lot. We’re very energetic on stage. We like to get people involved in the show.

We’ve got one last thing for you here. We’re going to do a word association. We’ll just throw out a name and tell us the first thing that comes to your mind.

Korn.

Old school.

Deftones.

Old school. (Laughs.)

Nonpoint.

Livelihood.

To The Pain.

A new beginning.

Elias Soriano.

Me.

The future.

Unknown.

Interviewed by Joel Murphy, March 2006. To The Pain is available now on Bieler Bros. Records.

Tara’s photos – Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade

Boxcar Betties, Tara No Comments
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Happy belated St. Patrick’s Day from your favorite hobo babe!

I hope you all had a great weekend. Mine was chock full of drinking, screwing and fighting … well, maybe not fighting in the literal sense, but I spent Sunday pushing my way through a crowd of 850,000 of my closest friends/drinking buddies to witness the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade in South Boston. The parade in South Boston is the second largest in the country, and, in my opinion, the best. I mean, come on, is there a more Irish city in the U.S. than Boston? I think not. This year’s parade honoring Ireland’s patron saint was no exception.

I managed to secure a spot close to the sidelines to watch all of the action. I bopped along as a constant stream of pipe and drum corps, maching bands and assorted local crazies sauntered down the street. There were hot two-stepping cheerleaders, sexy-legged men in a rainbow of tartans, Boston firefighters with cigarettes dangling from their lips and festooned with green beads. I managed to score a few strands of beads myself, and, for the first time in my life, didn’t even have to flash the goods! Which was good, considering the temperature was a balmy 30 degrees, and to use the phrase “a tiddly bit nipply” would be quite the understatement.

The highlight of the parade for me? Waving at the marching league of Storm Troopers, complete with Darth Vader in tow. I swear, Boston has it ALL.

As I spent my afternoon pondering the meaning of life at the bottom of a pint of Guinness, I could only hope that many of you were doing the same. So, enjoy my pictures of the festivities. I wish some of you had been there partying with me, your favorite lush-iously sexy Irish lass.

Cheers!

xoxo
- Tara


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One on One with Phil Gordon

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It’s easy to be jealous of Phil Gordon. He made a fortune at an early age and was able to use that wealth to see the world, go on the ultimate sports trip and pursue a career as a professional card player.

But once you talk to Phil Gordon and realize how humble he is and you see that he really wants to share his knowledge with others, it’s hard to stay jealous for very long. The guy really deserves everything he has. Continuing with his generous spirit, Gordon was willing to sit down with us and talk to about life, cards and celebrities who have no business at a poker table.

You launched a network management software company at a young age, which sold for $95 million after only three years. From there, you were able to retire and travel around the globe, doing things other people only dream about like diving with Great White Sharks, rafting down the Amazon and scaling Mt. Kililmanjaro. What is it like to be able to do that at a young age? And what was the most fun thing you were able to do with all of that money?

Well, some people dream about it, some people have nightmares about it, especially in terms of the Great White thing. I’ve led an extraordinarily lucky life so far, but one of the things I’m most proud of is taking advantage of the opportunities presented to me. When my company got bought out, I was 26 and had enough money that I didn’t have to sit behind a desk. I decided to do something for myself and traveling was really it. One of the most fun experiences of traveling, of course, is meeting new people and trying out their culture and seeing what the world has to offer. People say, “What’s your favorite place? What’s your most fun thing to do?” I generally refuse to answer that question – only because when you answer that question, you denigrate the other places that you visited and the other people that you met. Every single place in the world has something to offer and if you go in with that attitude, you’ll get the most out of each place you visit.

We also heard you did something any sports fan would be jealous of – you went on an ultimate sports trip, hitting every major sporting even in one year.

That really was an interesting year. Basically, I’d seen most of the world – 50 countries on six continents. While I was in Africa with my buddy Rafe, who was in a similar situation to me in terms of finances and state in life, we came up with this idea for what we called “the ultimate sport’s adventure.” We were going to buy an RV, trick it out and basically take it on the road across the United States for a year, going to all the different major sports events in the world.

So we started at the Super Bowl. If you’re going to start any sports trip, you’ve got to start at the Super Bowl. And the idea was Super Bowl to Super Bowl – every major event in sports and everything else we could pack in between. Over the course of a year, we did 140 sports events, we visited 41 states and we put 43,000 miles on our RV, which was nearly destroyed by the end of the tour. That was a fantastic trip – we went to the Masters, the Kentucky Derby, the Final Four, the Little League World Series, the college World Series, the professional World Series, 26 baseball stadiums, the U.S. Open tennis, all three Triple Crown races, the Indy 500, the Daytona 500, the Stanley Cup finals, the NBA finals, we played the top 25 public golf courses in the country, including Pebble Beach, TPC Sawgrass and Shadow Creek here in Las Vegas. All I can tell you is the 372 days on the road eating stadium food will do a tremendous amount of damage to your liver. My cholesterol started at about 180 and ended at about 280 and I’m just now, two years later, finally back in fine form after the year of debauchery.

Would you ever consider doing it again? What would you do differently?

I’m not going to be doing that trip anytime soon. I lived in that RV for 18 months and I’m pretty much done with that. Maybe when I get a little older, if I have kids and my kids turn 18 or 20 or something, then I might throw them in the back of it for four or five months and travel around and go see how things have changed, but for now it’s no land yachts.

So from there, how did you get involved in playing poker professionally? Were you just bored and looking for a hobby?

I stumbled into it. I never really set out to be a professional poker player, have a TV show, anything like that. People don’t remember, but five years ago, poker was no big deal and if you told people you were a professional poker player, they looked at you like you were an idiot. Now it’s the cool thing to do. I started playing when I was seven, my great aunt taught me to play and when I moved to California in 1991, obviously the card rooms out here are legal. I started playing at Garden City and San Jose and Bay 101 and a couple of the other local card rooms. My skills improved, I fell in with the right group of guys that were serious about the game. We started taking road trips to Vegas. All those early road trips are chronicled on our website, Tiltboys.com, including pictures, some of which are still haunting me to this day, including the one where we dress like women to play in a women’s only poker tournament.

From there, I just started winning and the stakes started getting bigger and bigger. Then, when my company got bought out, I had some money and I decided I’d give this poker thing a shot after I got done traveling. I got lucky and finished at the final table in the World Series of Poker, then got invited down to Aruba for the UltimateBet deal in season one of the World Poker Tour – I won that tournament. I was winning right at the right time. You could win a World Poker tour tournament now and finish fourth at the World Series and no one would know who you are because there are just so many people that are playing, but because I got that early media exposure, when the guys from Celebrity Poker were putting together the show, they thought I’d be a good host, they called me up, asked me if I was busy. I said call me when you got the show sold, six months later, they sold it to Bravo and I was on set filming a TV show. That’s how it all happened.

You have won over a million dollars in poker tournaments over the past four years and as you mentioned, you placed fourth in the 2001 World Series of Poker Championship. With so many people entering the tournament every year, what do you think your chances are of winning a WSOP bracelet in the future?

A bracelet, my chances are pretty good. It depends on the event. In a 1,000 person field, you’d say the average player was one out of 1,000 to win a bracelet, I would say that I was probably one out of 250. I’m certainly no better than that. I made two final tables last year at the World Series – I finished third in one no limit event and I finished eighth in another event and I won a couple hundred thousand, but any hand goes differently there, I’ve got a shot. That was two events; I only played nine events last year. I don’t know if I can continue that pace – the fields are getting larger, the players are getting better. It’s tough to win these days, man. I don’t know what else to tell you. There’s a lot of luck involved in tournament poker and one hand can put you on the sidelines. It doesn’t matter how good you play. If you get all of your money in with two aces against a guy with two tens, that guy with two tens is still going to spike one on you 18 percent of the time.

Do you think poker will continue to grow in popularity or do you think this is its “15 minutes of fame,” and the bubble will burst at some point?

I think we’ve got a good 18 months left in growth. I think this year at the World Series, we’re going to see 7,500 players. I think the following year we’ll see 9,000, then it’s going to level off at 8,000 or so. That would be my prediction. That comes with no guarantees. But if I wanted to put an over/under line at the World Series of Poker, there should be 7,500 players.

Obviously, poker has been widely glamorized over the last couple of years on television as its popularity continues to grow. What is the life of a poker professional really like? Talk a little bit about the ups and downs of a full-time poker player.

Don’t leave your day job. This is a very hard way to make an easy living. The fluxuations involved and the bank roll that’s required make this an extraordinarily difficult proposition for people that want to come in and just give it a shot. The best example I can give you is Chris Ferguson. Everyone knows Jesus. Easily one of the best players in the world, he’d be on everyone’s top ten list. When the World Poker tour started, Chris thought he was going to tear it up. Chris went 33 World Poker tour tournaments in a row without making the money. Forget making the final table – didn’t even make the money. That cost him about $330,000 in buy-ins, plus probably another $200,000 in travel expenses and such.

You have to go deep in these things, you have to have a big bank roll, big purse behind you in order to make it on tour these days. It is an extraordinarily expensive and grinding lifestyle. The travel will get you. The smoky environments will get you. Most of all, one thing I’ve come to realize is that the world of poker, this really is one of the only professions in the world where it pays an enormous amount of money to surround yourself with the biggest idiots possible. At the end of the day, it becomes kind of a grind trying to find those weak players and exploit their weaknesses. What I’m finding is I’m just a little tired of searching out and destroying weakness. I would rather help people. That’s why I’ve spent more time recently teaching than playing. By teaching poker, I’m still getting my poker fix, I’m still getting the adrenaline rush, but I’m getting it by helping people instead of hurting them. For me, that’s a lot more satisfying right now.

How often do you play poker?

Not very often. I’m playing online at FullTiltPoker.com about 10 hours a week. I play low limit games and every penny that I win online I donate to charity. I donate it to the Cancer Research and Prevention foundation. That’s kind of my time donation to a good cause. Other than that, I’m playing a few tournaments, but I’m not going to play World Poker Tour tournaments for a while until they fix their player release. They are extraordinarily unfair to the players right now. Joining me in that boycott is Chris Ferguson, Andy Bloch, Howard Lederer and probably 30 other top pros. So you’re not going to see us playing in those tournaments until those guys can get their act together and come up with a release that’s fair for the players. I’m going to play some of the World Series of Poker circuit events and certainly I’m going to play 30 or 35 of the events this year at the World Series of Poker. I’m very much looking forward to that. I haven’t been playing very much, I’ve been very busy traveling around and I’m writing a new book that will be out in October. All of that stuff takes time and it takes time away from the tables. But, as I said before, I’ve come to realize that I like teaching the game almost as much as I like playing it and that’s what I’m devoting my time to right now.

In your new book, Phil Gordon’s Little Green Book, you give a lot of insight into the way you play poker. You go into great detail about how you react in various situations and give away a lot of information about your game. You are basically walking people through the way you play. What was the idea behind the book?

I’m not the best player in the world and I’ve never contended to be. I’m definitely a winning player, I’ve made it to the final table more often than most and I’ve been able to win a few tournaments here and there and I’ve had a lot of success at the table. All I want to do in the book is show you how I play. If you disagree with me, you very well may be right, but disagree with me for a reason because the things I’m doing at the table, I’m doing for a purpose. There’s a very mathematical underpinning to the way I play poker. For me, poker is 20 percent mathematics, 70 percent psychology and 10 percent brass balls. I can’t help you with the brass balls part, you either have that or you don’t, but I can definitely help you with the math and I can definitely help you with the psychology. I set out in the book to teach you all of the math you needed to know and I do that in a fairly effective and efficient way in the book – straightforward, you don’t need to be a mathematician, you don’t need to be an MIT rocket scientist, all you have to have is a fourth grade education to do all the math that’s required to play winning poker. So I lay that out and I walk you through the psychology of playing a winning game. For some people that’s different, some people play in an incredibly loose style like Gus Hansen, some people play an extremely tight style like Dan Harrington. I’m not like either of those guys. I’m somewhere in between. I generally let the table dictate how fast or slow that I’m playing and that seems to work for me. I want to outline exactly how I play and give you an inside view of what helps me win as much as I’ve won in the past three or four years.

The book has been out since October 4, 2005 and thus far has sold 75,000-80,000 copies and thousands of people have e-mailed me success stories from the table after reading my book. It’s really an astounding outpouring of support for the book and nearly everyone says that it’s changed the way that they approach the game and they’ve gone from a losing player to a winning player or from a winning player to a more winning player. That’s very satisfying for me.

The thing is – there’s something in there for everyone. If you’re a rank beginner, you can find stuff that will help you. If you’re an intermediate player, there’s a ton of stuff in there that will help you and even if you’re the most advanced player in the world, I personally will guarantee you that there will be things in the book that you will read that you’ve never read anywhere else. I know that to be the case because I’ve read every single poker book that’s been written.

So what is the plan for the new book?

The new book is called the Little Blue Book; it’s a follow up to the Little Green Book. If there is one criticism that I’ve heard about the book, it’s that there aren’t enough real world examples. With the Little Blue Book, I’m going to fill that void. This is going to be 100 plus hands, actual hands that I’ve played in live competition, fully annotated, harking back the principals from the Little Green Book and showing you those principals in action.

A lot of people know you from the Celebrity Poker Showdown. What is it like hosting that show? Do you ever get frustrated with the way some of the celebrities play?

First of all, let me just say that job was the best job in poker, bar none. I reached an extraordinarily large audience on a week to week basis and I think the show was successful because you got to see the celebrities as they truly are. No one’s on there pitching products, no one’s on there pitching their latest movie. They’re all on there to have a good time – it’s Las Vegas, it’s the Palms Casino, everyone’s drinking, cutting up. It’s a comedy and entertainment show more than it is a poker show.

That being said, the poker that is played is sometimes completely abysmal. And that’s okay. They’re not there to be professional poker players. They’re there to raise some money for their charity, get their charity some notoriety, get some TV time and have a good time in Vegas. I don’t really get all that upset with people that don’t play well. I wish they’d play better, but then again, I’ve done a couple of acting appearances here recently and they probably wish that I acted better.

Be honest here, who are some of the best and worst celebrities you’ve seen on the show?

I’ll do the worst first. I’m not at all ashamed to tell you that Scott Stapp may be the worst player that I’ve ever run up against. Adam Rodriguez from CSI: Miami shouldn’t quit his day job. Martin Sheen was incredibly distracted, is a nice way that I’ll put that.

Some of the great players – James Woods is a very, very good player. In fact, I just saw that James finished 18th at the big Commerce Casino tournament recently. Mena Suvari is surprisingly good, Michael Ian Black, Hank Azaria, Matthew Perry, the Masterson kids – Danny and Chris, very good players. Shannon Elizabeth’s got game. People say, “Oh, the celebrities are so bad,” but they’re no better or worse than the people playing in your home game.

We’ve got one last thing for you here. We’re going to do a word association. We’ll just throw out a name and tell us the first thing that comes to your mind.

Las Vegas.

Greed.

Dave Foley.

Drunk.

Kevin Pollak.

William Shatner.

Phil Ivey.

Money.

The World Series of Poker.

Prestige.

Phil Gordon.

Lucky.

The future.

Unknown.

Interviewed by Joel Murphy, March 2006. You can get autographed copies of Phil Gordon’s Little Green Book or private poker lessons over the phone by donating to PreventCancer.org.

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The Teachers’ Lounge – Advice to new teachers

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Ned Bitters

When the final bell rings at the end of each school day, I begin a Carl Lewis-like dash to my car, thus avoiding the 15-minute stressfest that is sitting behind 20 carcinogen-belching school buses as they make their way out onto the main road. I like to have my car zooming toward that first vodka martini while the kids are still dragging ass up the bus steps.

But I wasn’t always this way. Many years ago, when I was a fresh-faced eager beaver of a teacher (No, I really was … really!), I was so involved in so many school activities that I used to be asked to speak to all the county’s new hires each August. Since our county hires anywhere from 75-150 new teachers every year, the central office folk see fit to have a week-long orientation program for the newbies, and that week used to culminate in a panel of four teachers addressing this just-out-of-college, we’re-here-to-save-the-world group. One of those four teachers was a young Mr. Bitters, who wasn’t bitter at all in those days, and I would address this highly receptive crowd on the advantages of getting involved in as many extra-curricular activities as possible. Now, as when exactly Mr. Rah Rah Rah became Mr. Where’s the Goddamn Vermouth – It’s 2:45 and I Haven’t Had My First Drink Yet, well, I’m not sure.

I think back to the speech I used to give, and I wonder whether I told them anything helpful. Now that I’m pushing 20 years on this job, I know I could give a much more useful dose of info to all the new teachers we hire each summer. My talk now would be titled, “How To Survive and Even Thrive as a Teacher.” Here is a list of talking points for the speech I wish I could give.

Play Stupid. This probably works in most jobs, but it’s an especially effective ploy in the education business, because let’s face it, we’re not exactly knocking on Mensa’s door. Hell, we’re not even allowed on the driveway. So when you fuck up, and I mean really fuck up, just play dumb. For example, you get called into your principal’s office one afternoon to find him, the superintendent, a lawyer, two school board members and a cop waiting for you. The principal says something like, “Well, Mr. Bitters, we are here today about that little contretemps from last week when the head custodian walked into your room and found you ball-deep into the captain of the cheerleading squad. This is a rather serious offense and …”

At this point, you interrupt and, with a look of total bewilderment, say, “Oh my God, is that not allowed? Oh man, heh heh, I really had no idea. I thought because she was going to be 18 in just two short years that this sort of thing was okay. I thought it was only wrong if you exchanged student pussy for a higher grade. Is this rule spelled out in the teacher handbook? Oh man, you can bet THAT won’t happen again, heh heh …” In a real job that requires real brains, this “Who, Me?” defense would be laughable and you’d be fired and arrested on the spot. But in this job, you’d get a stern warning, maybe a formal written reprimand and a knowing congratulatory wink from the principal. And you’d learn next time to lock the goddamn door to your classroom.

Three Words – Agree, Agree, Agree. One way to get on any principal’s “Shit List” is to gain a reputation as the sneering malcontent who shoots a shitload of holes in every new proposal or idea. But the way to get on the “Golden Boy” list is to greet every new plan, no matter how appallingly stupid, as the greatest idea since the bagel bite. (Them’s some good eatin’, no?)

For example, the principal proposes a new incentive plan at the next School Improvement Team meeting. In an attempt to cut down on school violence and make students feel safe, he wants to pass out firearms to all the students as they enter the building each morning, then collect those guns at the end of the day. His logic? If everyone is armed, students would be too afraid to harm each other. Although your first instinct is to have him strapped into the bed next to John Hinckley’s, you instead tilt your head, rest your chin on your fist, squint your eyes, look pensive for a few seconds, then say something like, “You know, I like it! And we could set up a firing range in the auxiliary gym for target practice. And we could have police come in and do a training session for kids, showing them how to pistol whip a teacher who gives them an unfair grade.” Your level-headed colleagues will then shred the idea to bits, but the principal – batshit crazy though he may be – will remember that you were the only other person who shared his vision. You’ve just accrued some valuable capital for that next time the non-knocking motherfucker of a janitor finds a coed’s ankles up around your ears on the one day you actually stayed late to do some “planning.”

Join a Bullshit Committee or Two. Before the end of September, the principal will ask all new teachers to sponsor a club, coach a sport, sign up to be an after-school tutor or do something else that cuts into your much-needed happy hour time. As a new teacher, it’s almost impossible to say no, because you want to make a good impression. The trick to avoiding any ballbusting type of extra duty is to beat the principal to the punch. Sign up for a couple of committees that are all meeting, no real work. The School Improvement Team is a good bet. All they do is get together once or twice a month after school and bitch for the first half hour, then brainstorm some grandiose, pie-in-the-sky plans that will revolutionize education as we know it. These are promptly forgotten until the next meeting, when the process is repeated. You do virtually nothing, but your principal sees you there every third Wednesday. Toss out a cockamamie idea of your own now and then to create the illusion of involvement and – hold the laughter please – caring. Agree to take the official notes at the meeting, which will make you look even more diligent. Meanwhile, your colleagues are plugging away after school for five days a week coaching the field hockey team (zzzzz) or organizing that Key Club bake sale that will take place from 8:00 to goddamn 3 o’clock next Saturday.

Don’t Fail Kids/Don’t Write Up Kids. Your number one goal as a teacher is not to mold kids’ minds. It is to stay under the principal’s radar. Let the other teachers get in trouble and cause him grief. You want to be known as Mr. Whatsizzname to your boss, the reliable, agreeable, dependable boob in the back hallway who doesn’t cause any trouble. And one way to cause your boss trouble is to fail a lot of kids and to keep sending kids to the vice-principals for discipline. Your philosophy should be as follows. That dope-fiend in third period who hasn’t stayed awake since the day you showed because you yourself were too hungover to teach? Somehow he ended the year with a 59.51, good enough for a D and good enough to be promoted to be someone else’s problem next year. That stabbing in your eighth period? Just a little misunderstanding I’ll be glad to handle at the classroom level, sir.

While the principal is meeting almost daily with those hardass “real” teachers who stubbornly demand discipline and academic excellence, you get to go on your mediocre little way, passing every student, allowing classroom shenanigans and knowing you’ll be on drink number three by the time Oprah starts.

That is what I would tell my new teacher friends today, should the higher-ups ever ask me to return to the week-ending inspiration panel. Let’s see, did I forget anything else, some vital piece of information that could make or break a new teacher’s first year? Do I have any other suggestions before they dive into the ever-churning, stage five deadly rapids that are public education. Oh yeah, two more things, the greatest coping devices available to teachers.

Alcohol. You …

Weed. … betcha.

Ned Bitters teaches high school and dreams of one day seeing one of his former students on stage at a strip club. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.

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