Murphy’s Law – An open letter to the douchebag sitting next to me at the Louis C.K. show

Joel Murphy

Joel Murphy

I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to speak to you during the actual show. I would have, but you know, I’m actually a considerate person who doesn’t talk while the comedians are trying to perform. I know this is a foreign concept to you, since you had no problem talking during the show.

Who knows, maybe you were mistaken and thought you and your friends were in your living room. That would certainly explain why you propped your feet up on the stage before the show began. I was happy to be sitting in the front row of the comedy club and I found my accommodations to be quite comfortable. I certainly didn’t feel the need to lean back in my chair and kick my dogs up onto the stage, but then again, I’m not a bag of douche.

Of course, none of that really bothered me as much as when you answered your phone while the opening comedian was performing. Was this your first time ever at a comedy club? You were sitting in the front row and you answered your phone. You really thought this wouldn’t be a problem? I’m amazed you were even able to get out of bed and dress yourself (of course, I wasn’t there – perhaps you had help).

When the comedian on stage saw you on your phone and started making fun of you, did you really think you were talking your way out of the situation? How big is your ego? Did you really think, “I’ll simply explain to her that it’s my father calling long distance and surely she will understand the extenuating circumstances and will allow me to have my loud, obnoxious conversation in peace while she continues telling jokes that I’m not actually listening to?” And, when she asked your name and you giggled and told her Pedro, was that your own attempt at comedy? Did it really strike you as humorous to come up with a wacky fake name? Because, if it did, you should have saved the money you spent on the Improv and just stayed at home and watched Yes, Dear. Or better yet, you could have passed the time by ramming your head against a brick wall, you sad, pathetic man.

The most baffling part of all is that you were actually sitting at a table with other people. I would think someone as annoying and socially inept as you wouldn’t have any friends, but no, they seemed to be hanging out with you by choice. As your friends, I would hope that they would have stepped up and corrected your moronic social behavior, but considering that their cell phones also rang during the show, I guess that is a bit too much to ask.

They were also talking loudly and being equally as obnoxious, so maybe it is unfair to single you out. But, I guess I’m hoping that by making an example out of you, your pals and all of the other inconsiderate morons of the world will take notice and learn from your mistakes. Of course, that is probably just a pipe dream, considering YOUR FRIENDS WERE TOO DUMB TO TURN OFF THEIR CELL PHONES AFTER A COMEDIAN MADE FUN OF YOU FOR BEING ON YOURS!

Did you see what you made me do, douchebag? I’m typing in all caps and using exclamation points because of you. I hope you can live with yourself for that.

Look, I don’t expect you to change. You’ve made it this far in your life without becoming a better person and this isn’t an After School Special on PBS, so I’m guessing your douchey-ness is for life. I get that, I respect that. So just do me a favor. Don’t sit in the front row of a comedy club and draw attention to yourself. Sit somewhere in the back where stage lights won’t find you and your douchedom might go unnoticed. Or better yet, don’t even leave your fucking house. Louis C.K.’s comedy special still runs on HBO from time to time and soon they will be running his sitcom, Lucky Louie. So just stay at home and watch that. That way, you can still enjoy the comedy without ruining it for everyone else.

You know what, on second thought, why don’t you just kill yourself? It’s pretty obvious you aren’t a productive member of society, so come on, make Darwin proud. Thin the herd.

All the best,

Joel Murphy

P.S. That Louis C.K. is hilarious, isn’t he? I love the stuff about his daughter.

Random thought of the week:

M:I:3 opens this weekend and I know a lot of people are debating whether or not to see it now that Tom Cruise has officially snapped. Honestly, I don’t really see this as a problem. I’ve never liked Tom Cruise as a person, but I can still enjoy the good movies that he is in – like A Few Good Men or Rainman. I usually just squint and pretend he is Tom Hanks.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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