By Joel Murphy
(In no particular order.)
Christians who boycott Halloween because it is the “devil’s holiday.” Sure, Halloween is based on a Pagan holiday, but so are Christmas and Easter. Halloween isn’t evil – it’s an excuse to wear a silly costume and get free candy. Lighten the fuck up.
The fact that Fox keeps pushing The Simpsons Halloween special back until the week after Halloween. Look, it’s cute that baseball is still around despite the fact that Bud Selig is incompetent, everyone is either juiced up on steroids or using pine tar and most Americans don’t care about the sport because it’s not football. But, can’t they at least fix it so that it doesn’t screw up The Simpsons? Plus, the World Series didn’t go to game seven, so they actually could have aired the Halloween special this past weekend anyway.
Kevin Federline. Turning Britney Spears into an unattractive mess while sponging off of her fortune is one thing. But, why can’t he just do it quietly? Why does he feel the need to record a rap album? Why did he show up on WWE Raw (at least he got booed worse than Sgt. Slaughter when he turned on America during The Gulf War)? Everyone bags on Paris Hilton for being famous in spite of the fact that she’s never done anything worthwhile, but at least she videotaped herself blowing a guy. What has K Fed ever done?
People who bought Kevin Federline’s album. Sure, his rap CD is currently only ranked 1,908 on Amazon.com’s sales chart, but that still means that some people are actually buying it. Are these people buying the wrong CD on accident? Are they masochist? I refuse to believe that he actually has any fans.
Shaun Alexander’s broken foot and it’s impact on my fantasy football season.
The car that parallel parks itself. Unless the car also has William Daniels’ voice and says things like “Danger Michael,” I’m just not interested. Besides, today the cars are parking themselves, tomorrow they are trapping us inside using the automatic locks, then forcing us to do their bidding. I’m sure it’s probably wonderful to be able to sip your soy mocha latte while your car parks itself you pretentious Lexus driving toolbox, but will it really have been worth it when the robots have taken over and we are all living in a Terminator 3-style post-Apocalyptic world?
The fact that HBO puts episodes of The Wire On Demand a week before they actually air them. That’s great for all of the people who have cable, but it definitely screws over me and anyone else who has DirecTV.
The service at Wendy’s. I seriously doubt “Dave’s way” is making me wait in line for 20 minutes because you only have one cashier working. It’s clear that your employees don’t have a sense of urgency about preparing my meal, but it is called “fast food” for a reason.
The names of cell phones. KRZR? Chocolate? Are you kidding me?
The special effects on Lost. It’s one of the best shows on television, so why not give them a bigger budget for special effects? That way, I wouldn’t have to watch an incredibly fake looking CGI polar bear or a cloud of black smoke slamming Echo into a tree in a Road Runner-like fashion.
People who don’t understand how a four-way stop works. If you and another driver pull up to the four-way stop at the same time, the driver to the right of you has the right of way. And, if there are a lot of cars waiting to go through the four-way stop at the same time, it doesn’t work like a traffic light – when the guy in front of you goes through the stop sign, you don’t get to follow him. You have to wait for the other three cars to go first. Obviously, you didn’t pay attention in driver’s ed, but you do get the concept of taking turns, don’t you, you self-centered asshole?
Nip/Tuck. The show has always been crap TV, but at least it used to be enjoyable. Now, it is so over the top that there is a baby with claw hands, a dwarf who is in love with Julia and a whole season-long story arch about kidney thieves (and no, I don’t mean Free Dominguez). Plus, they go out of their way to ruin the best character on the show, Christian, by making him in love with Sean and having him bang Rosie O’Donnell. Did Julian McMahon sleep with a writer’s wife or something?
Day Break. This new show starring Taye Diggs is nothing more than a blatant rip-off of Ground Day. While the irony of copying a movie where the same thing happens over and over again is quite comical, it doesn’t change the fact that this is a terrible idea.
Random thought of the week:
Bob Barker announced that he will retire from The Price is Right after 35 years. Once he is gone from daytime television, who will help control the pet population?
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.