In a world where dog fighting, weapons charges and police blotters dominate the sports pages, it’s refreshing to come across a player like Marcus Washington. Between his positive outlook, 100-watt smile and infectious personality, he quickly became a fan favorite ever since taking over our nation’s capital in 2004.

As the Redskins head into their bye week, we caught up with the locker room leader to talk about everything from dealing with his share of adversity last season to the town where everyone knows his name.

You are originally from Auburn, Alabama. What’s it like there and what was your childhood like?

My childhood? Hmmm … there’s not really a whole bunch going on in Auburn. Most days just consisted of playing with your friends, running through the woods and playing all different types of games – football, basketball – a little bit of everything. But, not a lot. Growing up loving Auburn football, loving college football.

How early did you start playing football and how many other positions did you play when you were younger? What was your favorite NFL team growing up?

I started playing in the yard when I was younger. I started organized football when I got to the seventh grade, and I started off playing strong safety, fullback, tight end, wide receiver and cornerback in high school. Receiver and corner were my best positions back then.

My favorite NFL team growing up? Probably the Buffalo Bills. I just liked them because they won a lot, they had some really good linebackers and I liked Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed and all those guys.

Are you naturally athletic, or did you have to work harder to get to the highest level of competition? What other sports, if any, are you good at?

I’m pretty athletic, but I’m probably more tough than anything. Out-toughing people, that’s probably the biggest thing in football.

I played a little basketball. I had to work more at basketball – it didn’t come as natural. I used to really like soccer too. In high school I played forward and center in basketball, now I’m probably more of a banger – more of a Ben Wallace-type player. But I could play a little bit in high school.

You attended Auburn High School in Auburn, Alabama, which is also where Dallas Cowboys outside linebacker Demarcus Ware and New York Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora went to high school. How is that much talent coming out of one high school?

I don’t know. Guys just really enjoy playing football down there in Auburn. It’s such a football-oriented town, you just kind of fall in love with it and you’ve got the university pretty much in your backyard, so you can watch certain players and get an understanding of how I need to play, day in and day out, to get to the next level.

Me and Osi actually took a couple classes together in high school and Demarcus, I played ball with him and his cousins. Yeah, we all know each other.

After high school, you played college ball for Auburn University. What was your overall college experience like and what did you get out of your time there?

It was cool. I played for my best friend’s dad, who was my position coach growing up. I got converted to linebacker and that was my first introduction to the linebacker position. It didn’t come naturally at first, but by my junior year I started coming into my own and got better. I was a slow developer – developed kind of late and was kind of small coming out of high school.

Photo by Brian Murphy

How big time is the football program there?

It’s pretty big time – especially the football program. That’s SEC football and people live, eat and breathe SEC football down there. We don’t have any pro teams, so either you’re Alabama or you’re Auburn. It’s not like a lot of other states where it’s divided up and people love a professional baseball team or professional basketball team. We don’t have any of that. You’re pretty much either Auburn or Alabama.

You were drafted by the Indianapolis Colts with the 28th pick in the second round (59th overall) of the 2000 NFL Draft. Talk to us about what it felt like to get drafted to play in the NFL. Were you happy to be drafted or were you disappointed you weren’t picked higher?

You know, I was just happy to be drafted. I figured if I could just get there I could do the rest. Just getting there, especially being drafted on the first day was a pretty big deal. I didn’t have any parties or anything, but just getting drafted was a big honor.

How much of a transition is it to go from the college game to the pros? And, what was like playing for a team that was clearly one of the best in the NFL on offense but wasn’t nearly as prolific on defense?

For me it was a pretty big transition because I was a defensive end my last year in college and had to become a stand-up linebacker. So a lot of times early on the play would be going one way and I’d be going the other way because I wasn’t used to it. It came and I got better, but I’m still learning – even if I’ve come a long ways.

It was an adjustment, but I learned a lot by going up against a really good offense day in and day out. You learn how to compete against guys that are pretty good at what they do. I think I really benefited by going against those guys day in and day out in practice.

Because of Peyton Manning’s contract situation you were made you a free agent in March of 2004 and the Washington Redskins quickly made you an offer. Were you disappointed that the Colts let you go or happy to head to Washington?

I wasn’t really disappointed because you have to understand the business side of it. In a perfect world I’m sure they would have kept me. Bill Polian actually wrote me a letter just kind of saying that he hated to let me go and things like that, but I didn’t have any hard feelings about it. There were some great guys over there, but I fell in love with D.C. We built this team based on our defense, so everything kind of worked out for me in the end. There’s a lot of tradition here, we’ve got a hard-nosed type of squad and the fans here are great and really love football. It reminds me of Auburn a little bit – we even have our big rivalry with Dallas and that whole Cowboys and Indians type of thing. I fell in love with the Redskins and with D.C.

A lot of people who are critical of the Redskins say they continue to overpay for free agent busts instead of focusing on the draft. Well, you were a free agent, and since Mr. Washington came to Washington, you’ve made the Pro Bowl in 2004 and anchored a top-ranked defense that carried the entire team to the playoffs in 2005. So not all of the Redskins free agents are busts, right?

It worked pretty well for me. You know, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Some teams like to do it from the draft. Some teams like to go out and get high-quality guys and we’ve been lucky to bring in some really good guys in here and we’ve been able to gel really fast. We’ve been pretty successful as a defense since I got here and I think we’ll continue to get better as a defense and as a team.

Photo by Brian Murphy

We think you’ve been spoiled a little bit – playing for Hall of Fame coach Job Gibbs and for future Hall of Famer Tony Dungy. Some players are only in the league long enough to play for a guy like Steve Spurrier, so how blessed are you to play for two of the best coaches of our generation?

I’m really fortunate because, the thing about great coaches is you learn a lot about football, but you learn a lot about life as well. You know, how to approach everyday life. Coach Dungy is a big Christian guy who has had to fight through some tough adversity and been pretty successful. You just kind of watch a guy like that and try to imitate him and you know you’ll be a pretty good man. And Coach Gibbs is the same way – he’s a Christian guy who very seldom curses, loves his family and is pretty much successful at everything he touches. Just being around people like that, I think it rubs off on you. Most times, when you hang around great people, they rub off on you.

Speaking of coaches who rarely curse, what is it like to play for Gregg Williams?

(Laughs). Gregg is a fiery coach, and I think on the defensive side of the ball you need a little of that. You need a coach who will light a fire up under you every now and then. I think if we gave Gregg a helmet on Sundays he’d be out there trying to make plays with us, so he definitely gets you going. He comes from that Buddy Ryan school of thought – a high intensity type coach. As a defensive player you love playing for a fiery defensive coordinator like that.

During a routine drug test last August, your urine sample was classified as diluted, and by league rules you were placed in the NFL’s substance abuse program. For the rest of the season you were subjected to random testing and you even had to undergo a psychiatric evaluation – even though you didn’t actually fail a drug test. How tough was it to go through all of that and should the NFL fix the system so they’re not penalizing a guy who could have simply drank too much water?

It was a tough deal last year. I hated it because I felt like I was being accused of a crime I didn’t do. It really pisses you off because you shouldn’t be guilty until proven innocent. It should be the other way around. But unfortunately, in that situation, it wasn’t the case. They definitely need to revisit that whole rule. I think in some of the other leagues – like in baseball or the NBA – if a guy’s sample is too diluted they just test him again. Especially if he hasn’t ever failed a drug test.

I’ve never failed one, all the way back to college, and this is my eighth year in the league. I got tested in the first couple days of training camp, when it’s pretty damn hot in Virginia, so you gotta be hydrated because they’re constantly preaching to us to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Well, you don’t wanna be too hydrated or you can get thrown into some crazy deal that haunts you all year. So, I think they need to revisit it and come up with some better ways to handle it to weed out the guys who are trying to mask something versus the guys who are just trying to take care of their bodies and do the right thing by hydrating.

Between the drug test, your hip injury last season and the dislocated elbow this preseason, I know you just wanted to get all of that past you and play football. How great has this solid start been for you personally and are the 2007 Washington Redskins for real? I know Coach Gibbs doesn’t like predictions, but can we expect a return to the playoffs?

It’s been great to put all that stuff behind me. Last year was a tough year for me, a tough year for the team, our coaches, the fans – everybody. It’s great to put all that behind you and start on a clean slate. So far we’ve gotten off to a pretty good start and we’re just trying to focus on the next game. We’re trying to go 1-0 for a week and not look too far down the road. We’re not worried about playoffs or starting to get measured for our Super Bowls rings or anything like that. We’re just out here working hard and approaching each game by putting our best foot forward and doing the best we can do. If we can consistently do that all year, then I think we’ll be fine.

Photo by Brian Murphy

Talk to us about gameday. Are your superstitious? Do you have a set routine – you know, a certain meal or music to get you in the right frame of mind?

I’m not a real superstitious guy. I like to listen to music to get hype. I like my music really loud so I can almost go into like another dimension. I don’t have a lot of superstitions. My towel has to be really nice and perfect, the way I like it and my music’s got to be loud. That’s it for me.

Anyone who has ever stepped into the locker room or watched you on the field during a TV timeout knows you love music. What are you listening to these days and what should fans put in the CD player to get them fired up on Sundays?

You know, I’m all over the place. When I first come into the locker room we’ve got maybe an hour and a half before its gametime, so I’ve got the slow jams pumping. I don’t wanna get too hype too fast. So I’ve got some slow jams, maybe some south rock. But about 30 minutes before the game you start to crank it up a little bit. Right now we’ve got that Young Jeezy, T.I. and that Soulja Boy’s been pretty hot lately. That’s kind of how I do it.

For fans, I would definitely go T.I. with T.I. versus T.I.P. That’s probably the hottest CD out right now. The hottest single out right now is probably “Crank That” by Soulja Boy.

A lot of your teammates are big into video games. Between the PS3 and the 360, I know some big games of Madden and Halo are played. Do you play?

I’ve got a PS3, but I haven’t played it a bunch. Actually, I haven’t played it any. I’ve been over on the PS2. I love playing NCAA college football. That’s my favorite game. I think some of the guys play Madden and have tournaments, but I’m more of a college guy. I just like to run the option. That’s one of my favorite plays and you can’t really run that on Madden, so I always play it on NCAA.

What would you be doing for a living if you never got into football?

If I hadn’t played in college and hadn’t gotten a scholarship then maybe I would have went into the military. Try to do it that way and choose a profession. Or, I’m really into history, so maybe I would have become a history teacher.

Which military branch could you have seen yourself choosing?

My uncle was an Army guy, but I think I would have tried the Navy SEALs – that’s the coolest thing ever. I don’t know if I could even make it, but definitely trying would have been cool. I would have been able to say I tried it and got this far.

And what do you see yourself doing after you retire from football?

Maybe teaching history. I think I want to go back to school and study history a little more. Maybe teach, and I don’t know, maybe even a little coaching.

I’m not sure if you know this, but 2,551 miles from Ashburn, Virginia, is a town called Marcus, in Washington State. Have you ever been out there?

I’ve never been out there. A couple people looked it up on the Internet and told me about it. I used to know the population, but I can’t remember it right now …

At last count, there was something like 117 people there. Even though you’ve never been there, how do you envision the town of Marcus, Washington?

I think it should just be happy all the time. There should be a happy hour and wingfest every day, you know what I mean? There should be a mandatory nap time, so people can get off of work and go home and take a nap. But people would definitely be hype and have a good time with a bunch of parades, parties and a real upbeat town.

Photo by Brian Murphy

So if you roll in do they automatically have to give you the key to the city? How does that work?

I think I should be able to get the key to the city. If it’s a town called Marcus, Washington that would only be right. I should at least be considered for the key, if not given to me.

It’s funny because you grew up in Auburn and then went to Auburn. Your name is Washington, and you’re playing in Washington. At some point, you’re going to end up in Marcus, Washington – it’s already been laid out there for you.

(Laughs). I think so. I think that’s probably my destiny. I’ll be a history teacher out there in Marcus, Washington. That sounds like it may be in my future.

And finally, when they make a movie based on your life who will play you and what will the name of the movie be?

I think Denzel Washington might play me in the movie, and the name of it would be Grustling – a mixture of hustling and grinding. We call it grustling.

Interviewed by Brian Murphy, September 2007.

Similar Posts:

• One on One with Santana Moss
• One on One with Fred Smoot
• One on One with Clinton Portis
• Note to self – Susan Lucci trivia
• Note to Self – No we can’t

Photo courtesy of Pirates Vs. Ninjas

Last week, we ran a feature story on John “Ol’ Chumbucket” Baur and Mark “Cap’n Slappy” Summers, creators of International Talk Like A Pirate Day. One of the topics brought up during our interview with The Pirate Guys was one of the Internet’s most heated debates: “Who would win in a fight – pirates or ninjas?”

Ol’ Chumbucket and Cap’n Slappy added some fuel to the fire.

“For some reason, there is this whole pirate-ninja war that frankly I don’t understand,” John said. “I think we are all kind of working the same side of the street. We’re guys with swords that misbehave. I do think that perhaps the reason for all of this animosity is that ninjas are kind of jealous because pirates are so much cooler. Ninjas are supposed to be silent and invisible, so they should shut up and go away.”

“You’ve got to give ninjas a lot of credit for training,” Mark added, “but a pirate has a cannon. And, as far as fashion goes, a pirate wins every time. And really, wouldn’t you rather win the war on fashion?”

This week, in an effort to be fair and balanced, we gave Michael “Aeon” Fiegel, the creator of the Day of the Ninja, a chance to respond to The Pirate Guys comments.

Here is what Aeon had to say:

In recent years, the Internet has seen the growing popularity of a cultural meme pitting Ninja vs. Pirates. On the one hand you have ninja-related sites like Ask a Ninja, Real Ultimate Power and Ninja Burger, and on the other hand you have a pirate movement led by the Talk Like a Pirate and Flying Spaghetti Monster sites.

On its face the Ninja vs. Pirate conflict appears to be the same sort of thing as Cowboys vs. Indians, Cops vs. Robbers, Dogs vs. Cats, Autobots vs. Decepticons, G.I. Joe vs. Cobra, etc., but in reality the root of the conflict is not so clear cut.

If one were to seek a historical “starting point” for the conflict, one would probably have to go back to 1596, when two ninja clans were embroiled in a sort of civil war. On the side of the Tokugawa Shogunate were the loyalist Iga ninja, headed by the infamous Hattori “Devil” Hanzo. Squared off against them were the thuggish turncoat Fuma ninja, led by Fuma Kotaro. The Iga clan were protectors and bodyguards of the Shogun, but the Fuma turned to piracy, acting much like wakou (Japanese pirates, basically).

Hanzo pursued the Fuma onto their own ground – the sea – in large ships laden with heavy cannon, and nearly wiped out the Fuma fleet. However, in the ensuing battle the Fuma managed to disable the rudders of Hanzo’s fleet, and when the Iga ninja jumped into the water to swim after their foes, they discovered that the water was filled with oil, which was set alight by the surviving Fuma. Hanzo and his men were killed.

At this point it is worth mentioning that the “Pirates have cannon” argument is kind of moot, since as we just learned Hattori Hanzo and his ninja used cannon in 1596, at about the same time that Caribbean Piracy was coming into its own. That can hardly be considered a
Piratic advantage. Of course, if you really want to argue it, Japanese ninja were using gunpowder in the 1300s while European sailors were still arguing about whether the earth was flat. But
who’s counting?

I digress; the point is that after the Iga defeat, the Fuma faded into disrepute and Fuma Kotaro was forgotten, whereas Hattori Hanzo has been remembered. So we know who won the philosophical battle, don’t we? And that’s the point. In like fashion, the Ninja vs. Pirates
battle is really more of a philosophical dispute, rather than an actual one.

Ninja and Pirates are, in their most commonly depicted forms, diametric opposites, much like yin and yang. Consider:

• Ninja wear black. Pirates wear flashy colors.
• Ninja are quiet and sneaky. Pirates are loud and raucous.
• Ninja are introverted and careful. Pirates are extroverted and reckless.

Photo courtesy of Pirates Vs. Ninjas

It is to this end that Ninja and Pirates both deserve separate, distinct days to celebrate their differences. The Pirates of course get Talk Like a Pirate Day, on which everyone can say “Arr Matey” and “Blow me down” and “Swab my poop deck” and act like pirates. Whereas the Ninja get the Day of the Ninja on December 5, when everyone can dress in black, sneak around and so on and so forth. Note that the key difference between the two days is that the Ninja holiday does not encourage talking; this is obviously because Ninja are known for being quiet and polite while they kill you.

Ultimately, the matter of whether Ninja or Pirates are superior is up for debate. There is no doubt that Pirates have traditionally been more popular, and that’s due to a mathematical advantage that can’t be disputed. Extroverts outnumber Introverts by about 3 to 1, and we all know who sides with who. But of course, quantity does not equal quality; in fact the two are often diametrically opposed. Macs vs. PCs. BMW vs Chevy. Firefly (14 episodes) vs. Full House (192 episodes). Etc.

It should also perhaps be pointed out that the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie was very bad, Batman is much cooler than Aquaman and Christian Bale could totally beat Johnny Depp in a fight. Just saying.

But really, Ninja bear Pirates no ill will. We do not see them as a threat and we hope they do not see us either. And as a gesture of goodwill, I would like to extend a hand to our Pirate brethren-in-arms, and encourage them to work with us, side-by-side, so that we might defeat our common enemy – Robots.

Then, once the Robots are defeated, perhaps we should pick a day to
air our grievances, a day that is approximately halfway between Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19) and the Day of the Ninja (December 5), around about the end of October. We can call this new holiday
Ninja vs. Pirate Day.

How does October 31 sound?

-Michael “Aeon” Fiegel
http://www.ninjaburger.com

Introduction written by Joel Murphy, September 2007. For more information on the Day of the Ninja, visit Ninja Burger. To see a pirate take on a ninja, visit Pirates Vs. Ninjas.

Similar Posts:

• December 5, 2008 – The 6th Annual Day of the Ninja
• Hobo Radio 61 – International Talk Like a Pirate Day
• Getting to Know … International Talk Like a Pirate Day
• Murphy’s Law – Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be pirates
• Hobo Radio 199 – Talk Like a Pirate Day 2011

Joel Murphy

It’s a pretty great time of year. Football is back and my beloved Washington Redskins are currently 2-0. After a summer-long hiatus, primetime television is back to being good again (and I finally just watched the entire first season of Heroes on DVD and I’m really looking forward to season two). And, I have already preordered Halo 3 for my Xbox 360 and the online store I ordered if from guaranteed the game would arrive at my house next Tuesday, meaning I get the third installment of a game franchise I love on the day it comes out without having to stand in line with the great unwashed.

With everything going so well for me, you’d think I’d have nothing to complain about. But, if you know me at all, you know that’s not the case. So, this week I thought I’d do some venting so that I can truly enjoy all of the wonderful things I mentioned above. That means I’m dusting off an old favorite and sharing all of the things that piss me off …

(And, as always, these are in no particular order.)

Dane Cook. While Britney Spears meltdown has been well documented in the tabloids, it seems like no one is talking about what a train wreck Dane Cook’s career has become. First, he came out with a reality show on HBO that revealed what a truly insecure douchebag he is in real life. Then, allegations surfaced that he stole material from funnier comedians like Louis CK. Cook followed that up with a string of unfunny movies. But, the final nail in the coffin of Cook’s career came earlier this month when he released an emo song called “Forward,” which was unintentionally funnier than anything he’s done in years. He really needs to go away now before I start wishing a painful, violent death upon him that ends with him in hell being “superfingered” by Satan.

The fact that two cookies are considered a serving. Who only eats two cookies at a time?

Those Visa commercials where everyone is dancing and spinning around using their Visa cards, then someone ruins it all by paying for their purchase with cash. I don’t care how convenient your new credit card machines are Visa, if using your check card requires me to prance around like I’m in an Andrew Lloyd Webber play, I want no part of it.

Any time “some assembly is required.”

The complete lack of original ideas. In previous columns, I’ve mentioned my distaste for the excessive amounts of remakes and sequels Hollywood churns out, but it seems like the film studios aren’t the only ones running out of original ideas. Our society has gotten so unoriginal and boring that news stations had to bring back O.J. Simpson to fill their 24-hour news cycles. Much like the lame sequels Hollywood produces, “The State vs. O.J. Simpson, Part II” is bound to be a letdown. With Johnny Cochran dead, even if they can get the rest of the supporting cast to sign on for the second installment, there is no way they can recapture the magic of the first O.J. trial. Even the story isn’t as good – robbing guys at gunpoint to get your memorabilia back just isn’t as exciting as murdering two people. Perhaps cameos by Leslie Nielson and George Kennedy and a surprise ending on par with the shocking “Not guilty” verdict from the original trial will be enough to keep part two from being a complete letdown, but I don’t have high hopes. I think I’ll just wait and add the trial’s DVD to my Netflix queue.

Paper cuts.

The fact that Perez Hilton, TMZ and Chris Crocker all have TV deals.

The Rock’s movie choices. Admittedly, Hulk Hogan set the bar fairly low for wrestler turned actors by starring in movies like Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando, but Governor Jesse Ventura raised that bar by uttering the classic “I ain’t got time to bleed” line in Predator. The Rock had a promising start to his career with films like The Rundown and Walking Tall, but he’s now starring in a career-killing Disney movie called The Game Plan. His career would have been fine if he followed the action star path blazed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stalone, but instead it seems like Dwayne Johnson is getting his career advice from Vin Diesel.

Using public transportation … especially on Boston roads.

Plot inconsistencies in television shows. As much as I loved season one of Heroes, I’m still trying to figure out how Peter Petrelli got a scar across his face five years in the future when he has the ability to heal himself.

Jimmy Fallon.

The John Kerry taser incident. (If you haven’t heard about it, you can see the video here.) Watching that video makes me worry about the state of free speech in this country (if you think I’m overreacting, just ask Sally Field). And, John Kerry’s failure to do anything to stop the security guards from using excessive force on the college student just proves all of the critics who called Kerry spineless right. Some people have said that the kid deserved what he got because he is an asshole, but assholes still have the right to free speech too. That’s kind of the point of free speech. Of course, all of that being said, the part where the kid says “Don’t tase me, bro” makes me laugh out loud.

Random Thought of the Week:
Hayden Panettiere allegedly threatened to kill an Us magazine reporter because of a story on their website saying that Hayden broke up with her boyfriend. Maybe she assumes that if she gets the death penalty for first-degree murder, her body will just regenerate.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

• Hobo Radio 122 – Keep your hookers fresher longer
• Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off 2010
• Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off
• Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off (Special VD Edition)
• Murphy’s Law – When an Arby’s isn’t just an Arby’s

[Editor's Note - For the latest on International Talk Like A Pirate Day, make sure to listen to our 2010 interview with Cap'n Slappy on our Hobo Radio podcast.]

John “Ol’ Chumbucket” Baur

International Talk Like A Pirate Day is perhaps the only holiday that began as a sport’s injury. On June 6, 1995, John Baur and Mark Summers were playing racquetball together when one of them strained a muscle and let out an “Arrr.” They had no idea this one moment would end up changing their lives forever.

Once the initial “Arrr” was spoken, the two friends from Albany, Oregon spent the rest of the afternoon talking in pirate voices. “After the game we decided there ought to be one day a year where everybody just talks like a pirate,” said Summers.

The two friends decided to create Talk Like A Pirate Day. The only problem was, they needed to pick a day for their holiday. “I’m a guy with a brain the size of a pea and I can only fit a certain amount of dates in my head,” Mark said. “I was recently divorced at the time. [My ex-wife's birthday] was stuck in my head and I just wasn’t doing anything with it.”

So, Sept. 19th, Summers’ ex-wife’s birthday, was declared Talk Like A Pirate Day.

“The next thing you know, it’s become a private joke among a few friends who call each other up at work every Sept. 19th and go, ‘Arrr,’ and then hang up,” John recalled.

“And then we got Dave Barry’s email address, so we invited him to be part of it,” said John. “He wrote a column that appeared on Sept. 8, 2002 and we thought, ‘Aww, there that’s cute, there’s our 15 minutes of fame.’ And the thing just took off.”

After Dave Barry’s column ran, Baur and Summers were contacted by the creators of Chase’s Calender of Events, who asked if they could include Talk Like A Pirate Day in their publication. They agreed and when their holiday was included in the book the following year, radio stations began contacting them for interviews.

Talk Like A Pirate Day began to grow. As the two garnered more attention, they had to adopt pirate personas. Baur dubbed himself Ol’ Chumbucket, which he imagines to be a pirate ship’s cook with subpar culinary skills. Summers adopted the nickname Cap’n Slappy, which was a moniker he used in videogames.

In the past few years, they have celebrated Talk Like A Pirate Day by doing radio interviews across the globe. They begin getting calls on the afternoon of Sept. 18th from Australia and continue fielding calls around the world, from places like England, Amsterdam, Ireland, Switzerland and, of course, the United States. They have received fan mail from all seven continents, including a research station in the South Pole.

“It’s amazing. We had absolutely no idea what we were letting ourselves in for,” said Baur.

“Talk Like A Pirate Day for us used to be as simple as calling our friends at work and saying ‘Arrr’ into the phone, then hanging up. We had no idea we’d spend so much time on the phone in future Talk Like A Pirate Days,” said Summers. “We literally got to travel around the world by telephone in our underpants.”

The two enjoy doing the interviews, but things can get rather tedious, since the DJs tend to ask the same five questions over and over again. They occasionally have to deal with small-town disc jockeys more interested in getting their own material over than actually interviewing the duo. And, in years past, they have done as many as 80 interviews over the course of 30 hours.

Working behind the scenes to support the two is Baur’s wife Tori, who is affectionately referred to by the pirate nickname “Mad Sally.” John and Tori met while doing community theatre, which is also where John met Mark. While Ol’ Chumbucket and Cap’n Slappy are doing their radio interviews, Mad Sally fields calls behind the scenes and does the interviews John and Mark can’t squeeze into their schedule.

Mark “Cap’n Slappy” Summers

“It’s crazy, we get no sleep at all,” Tori said.

Due to Talk Like A Pirate Day’s popularity, “Team Pirate” has been able to branch out into other ventures. They officially incorporated as The Pirate Guys, LLC, and set up a website, TalkLikeAPirate.com. The site, which is run by their “web wench” Jezebel, received 19 million hits the first September it was up. Capitalizing on their newfound popularity, the duo also decided to write a book.

John said, “Almost everything that’s happened to get us to where we are now started with the words ‘You know what would be funny …’” Baur and Summers began joking about writing a book about pirates, but never followed through.

“These are guys who sit around and drink a lot of beer and just talk a lot out of their ass,” Tori said. “So I basically said, ‘Okay, look guys, I’m going to find you an agent.’”

Tori, who was attending Oregon State University at the time, skipped a physical fitness class and used one of the campus’ computers to query literary agents. She created a form letter and sent it out to 50 agents, pretending she was John. One agent expressed interest and asked to see the manuscript in 10 days when he returned from vacation.

That’s when Mad Sally went back to The Pirate Guys and told them they had 10 days to write their book. John recalls that most of the book was written over one long weekend, which involved consuming large amounts of pizza and beer and very little research. They found an agent interested in selling the book, but they had trouble finding a publishing house interested in buying it.

They decided that if the book hadn’t sold by February 2004, they would self-publish it.

“The whole thing has been one serendipitous event after another,” said John. He was working as a science writer at the time for Oregon State University, but due to budget cuts, he was informed that his last day of work would be the end of February 2004.

“It was like God telling us what to do,” John recalled.

The Pirate Guys self-published their book, entitled Well Blow Me Down. The book sold enough copies to make back their initial investment and New American Library, a division of Penguin Publishing, expressed an interest in buying the manuscript. At New American Library’s request, they tinkered with the format, added new material and renamed the book Pirattitude, which was a term Mark coined.

Summers defines Pirattitude as “that swagger, it’s that devil-may-care attitude that a pirate has. It’s the spirit of fun.”

In addition to writing the book, Mark and John perform live shows under their pirate personas. Their shows are mostly all-ages and rely heavily on interaction with the crowd.

“It’s very much audience participation because we want them to do as much of the work as possible,” said John.

The Pirate Guys teach the audience how to talk like a pirate, sing pirate songs and “create a public nuisance.” And, while they try to keep things PG, occasionally they slip up.

“We try to keep it family friendly, but occasionally I ad lib something that is so terribly off-color it makes John weep,” Mark admitted.

Tori “Mad Sally” Baur

Perhaps one of their strangest stops on their serendipitous journey was ending up on the ABC show Wife Swap, which Tori refers to as “Wench Swap.” Jezebel, their web wench, forwarded an email from ABC to the other members of Team Pirate, which was looking for pirate reenactors to be on the show. Jezebel asked if they wanted to put a link up on their website, adding “unless Tori wants to show them how it’s really done.”

“So, of course, I took that as a dare and I sent an email off to ABC saying, ‘Well, why would you want reenactors when you can have the real thing?’” Tori recalled.

The next day, they got a call from executives in New York and, before they knew it, they were filming Wife Swap. While the show garnered a lot of attention for their cause and helped to sell copies of their book, it was definitely a grueling experience.

“The filming aspect was amazing. The crew and learning that side of the television business, I thought that was amazing. I would do that again in a heartbeat because I love the film industry and theatre,” said Tori. “But actually trading families and trading lives, that was really hard because John and I are really close, we’ve never been apart from each other more than a couple of days. So being away from him for 10 days was really, really difficult because I had no contact with him at all. So being in a strange household with people who weren’t too friendly, that was hard.”

Tori traded places with Lisa Fine, a California women who ran an organizing business. On the show, Fine and her family were depicted as obsessively neat and organized, caring very much about appearances. The Baurs were depicted as slobs living in a chaotic household.

For anyone considering signing up for Wife Swap, John has some advice: “The first thing you have to do is ask yourself, ‘How bad can they make me look and do I care?’”

The film crew shot over 200 hours of tape, which was cut into a 48-minute show. John feels that they purposely slanted the show a certain way. “They came in knowing the story they were going to tell and knowing the shots they needed to tell it,” John said. “Even though I think a more interesting story developed, at the end of the day they told the same story they had planned to tell right at the beginning.”

John “Ol’ Chumbucket” Baur

One of the things ABC failed to mention was that the Baurs actually have six kids. Only three of them were seen on the show, the other three are older and are no longer living at home. They also didn’t mention that Tori was attending college at the time, which is part of the reason the house was such a mess. She ended up graduating Magna Cum Laude with an English degree.

Tori isn’t bothered by her portrayal on the show. “I’m secure with who I am. I’ve never had a problem being who I am,” she said.

As for her messy house: “It was an amazingly freeing experience to not give a shit about cleaning and how my house looked. And I’ve never cared. If people don’t like the way I live, they don’t have to come over.”

However, she didn’t enjoy her time with the Fines. “I was in a family in a household that was so oppressed,” she said. “They weren’t kind people at all. The husband was rude, he was boorish.”

The Fine’s daughter called Tori fat and lazy. “She was the antichrist so far as children are concerned,” said Mad Sally.

Tori also displayed some of her signature pirate spirit during the filming of the show. She was given a list of chores that she was expected to perform the next day in front of the cameras, but instead decided to do them on her own, filming herself using one of the cameras they left behind.

“The family had gone to sleep and I knew I had this list of chores to do and I’m like, ‘Screw this, I’m not going to do this list of chores with some asshole standing over my shoulder telling me how to clean or scrub things,’” Tori recalled. “And so I said, ‘I’m going to pull an all-nighter.’ So I stayed up all night long and I filmed myself doing all the chores all night long.” At the end, she licked the floor to prove how clean it was.

The next morning, the camera crew arrived and was a bit bewildered to discover she had already completed the chores, but they decided the video she shot was good and included it in the show.

Cap’n Slappy also made a guest appearance on the Wife Swap episode, but his experience was much different from the Baurs. Mark was flown to California to assist Tori. He was driven to the airport in a limo and had an assistant with him for his day of shooting.

“I highly recommend anyone who can get an assistant, get one,” Mark said.

However, he could see the toll the show took on his friends emotionally. Mark, who is a licensed clinical social worker, said, “By the time we all got back together after the whole ordeal was over, I realized that the two of them were responding like people who had been through a trauma.”

When the episode originally aired last September, sales of their book skyrocketed on Amazon.com. And the response Team Pirate got was mostly positive.

The Baurs and their children – Ben, Jack, Max, Millie, Alex and Kate

“One of the best compliments I got were letters from teenage girls and grown women with children of their own who said, ‘Thank you for showing us that there is an alternative way to live. You don’t have to pretend to be perfect,’” said Tori.

Wife Swap also has garnered them more attention in their town, making them quasi-celebrities.

“We were not unknown in the community before the pirate thing started,” said Ol’ Chumbucket, who explained the Baurs would occasionally be recognized from their performances at the community theatre. “We are what passes for celebrities here. We used to be curiosities, we’ve worked our way up to oddities and we are working on celebrity now.”

Cap’n Slappy also gets recognized around town. Being a man of larger carriage, he says that it’s not hard for people to pick him out of a crowd.

“When I go places, people either say, ‘I saw you on Wife Swap‘ or ‘Aren’t you Santa Claus?’” Mark joked.

He also gets recognized during his day job as a social worker. He goes into schools to council troubled kids and inevitably, some of the kids will recognize him from his appearance on Wife Swap. Usually, this leads to kids asking for his autograph, which is something Summers can’t quite understand. “Those kids need a Tiger Beat magazine.”

As their popularity continues to grow, The Pirate Guys have found support in the strangest places. Some of their biggest supporters are Pastifarians, followers of the parody-religion created by Bobby Henderson known as The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. One of the beliefs of Pastifarians is that global warming is caused by the decrease of pirates worldwide.

“Makes perfect sense to me,” John said. “I think this entitles us to federal grants because we are obviously doing our part to reinvigorate pirates and therefore reduce global warming.”

Mark agrees: “The science is indisputable.”

Talk Like A Pirate Day has also spawned imitators. In response to their holiday, the creators of the Ninja Burger website declared Dec. 5th The Day of the Ninja. This added fire to an already heated Internet debate over who would win in a fight – pirates or ninjas.

“For some reason, there is this whole pirate-ninja war that frankly I don’t understand,” said John. “I think we are all kind of working the same side of the street. We’re guys with swords that misbehave. I do think that perhaps the reason for all of this animosity is that ninjas are kind of jealous because pirates are so much cooler. Ninjas are supposed to be silent and invisible, so they should shut up and go away.”

“You’ve got to give ninjas a lot of credit for training,” Mark added, “but a pirate has a cannon. And, as far as fashion goes, a pirate wins every time. And really, wouldn’t you rather win the war on fashion?”

There are sure to be a lot of fashionably-dressed pirates at Ye Olde Tattoo Shoppe in Studio City, Calif., Sept. 19th. The pirate-themed shop has been celebrating Talk Like A Pirate Day for the past three years and has invited Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket to attend their big celebration, promising free tattoos to The Pirate Guys. So, the duo is breaking tradition and skipping out on 30 hours of radio interviews in order to party with tattooed pirates. Last year, the shop inked 120 skull and crossbones in 12 hours.

While out in California, The Pirate Guys will also attend a screening of Pirates of the Great Salt Lake, which the filmmakers will be showing on Talk Like A Pirate Day in hopes of selling their film to a studio. The boys, who both say the original Pirates of the Carribean movie is their favorite pirate film, are both big supporters and fans of Pirates of the Great Salt Lake.

Mark “Cap’n Slappy” Summers

It’s unclear what the future holds for Team Pirate. The Baurs are planning on leaving Albany and heading to the Virgin Islands. The Pirate Guys partnership will be continued via email. They also recently sold the sequel to Pirattitude, which is scheduled to be released next September. Tori has also written her own book Mad Sally’s Guide to Living Life, which encourages women to reject traditional feminine roles by borrowing pirate ideals, and she is looking into teaching full-time.

“Our life is an adventure and we’re having fun doing it,” said John.

“I would try to take stock of it all, but I’d have no confidence in the market,” said Mark. “It’s fun; it’s been a fun ride.”

And, for all of you planning on celebrating Talk Like A Pirate Day this year, Cap’n Slappy has some advice: “Drink a lot of rum and let the rest of it come naturally.”

Written by Joel Murphy, September 2007. For more information on International Talk Like A Pirate Day, visit the official website. To read Aeo from Ninja Burger’s response to The Pirate Guys’ pirate vs. ninja comments, click here.

Similar Posts:

• Hobo Radio 61 – International Talk Like a Pirate Day
• Hobo Radio 199 – Talk Like a Pirate Day 2011
• Hobo Radio 149 – Talk Like a Pirate Day 2010
• Hobo Radio 99 – Talk Like a Pirate Day 2009
• Getting to Know … Pirates vs. Ninja