Joel Murphy

“Sell out, with me, oh yeah,
Sell out, with me tonight,
Record company’s gonna give me lots of money
And everything’s gonna be all right.”

Two of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt and David Cross, made a few Internet headlines this past week in what ultimately turned out to be a non-story. Oswalt wrote a MySpace blog on December 10 which covered a broad range of subjects, one of which being the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. Mostly, he talked about how people who were raging out about the film were overreacting, but in the middle of his tirade, he added this throw-away joke: “Oddly enough, both Brian Posehn and I were offered the part of Ian, the agent. We both threw the script across the room in disgust. David Cross caught it.”

Oswalt later explained that the joke was a reference to a conversation he had with Cross years earlier. Oswalt said that in March of 2006, he was talking to Cross about a bit part Patton had in Failure To Launch. He said that when he mentioned the part to Cross, David responded, “Man, they sent me that script, and I read 10 pages and threw it across the room. I guess you caught it.”

Cross apparently forgot about this exchange and when he read Oswalt’s blog, he responded with his own blog post on December 31 defending his decision to be a part of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Cross, who in the blog mentioned that he has been catching a lot of grief for doing the film, gave several reasons why he became a part of it, which basically boiled down to the fact that he hadn’t worked in six months and he wanted cash so that he could buy a small cottage in upstate New York.

Oswalt published an open letter on The Onion’s A.V. Club blog, telling the Failure To Launch story in an effort to put the matter to rest. Oswalt basically admitted that he too is a sellout and said that there is nothing wrong with whoring out a bit, especially if you can get a good story out of it afterwards.

All in all, this “feud” between the two comics is not really much of a story. However, I think it gives me a good opportunity to talk about the way some fans overreact to their favorite performers “selling out.”

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with selling out. I’ve joked before in this column that if someone offered me a large sum of money to hand over creative control of HoboTrashcan, I’d take it and never look back. (Which is only a joke - unless, of course, someone wants to make me an offer.) Money isn’t everything, but it can still buy you some pretty kick ass stuff. Plus, making a large sum of money “selling out” can allow you the financial freedom to pursue other, more creatively-fulfilling pursuits.

Like the rest of you, I think Alvin and the Chipmunks is a terrible idea. I saw the first trailer for it online months ago and thought that the scene where Alvin eats a piece of shit was a wonderful metaphor for the movie as a whole. And, when I found out that David Cross was a part of it, it did make me sad. But it wasn’t because I thought he was selling out. I was sad because I thought it was a waste of a talented comic actor.

As I mentioned above, in his blog he basically admits that he did the movie for the money, which I don’t really blame him for. I have no clue how much cash he made for the part, but I guarantee you that if you or I were offered that kind of money to play a bit part in a shitty CGI kids movie, we would gladly take it without thinking twice. So why should we hold Cross to a higher standard?

I’d like to believe that given the choice, Cross would gladly chose a smart, funny big budget comedy over Alvin and the Chipmunks. If his agent had Judd Apatow on line one and whatever soulless prick made Alvin and the Chipmunks on line two, my guess is that he’d take line one first.

The problem is that these days most of the movies out there are shitty remakes and uninspired sequels. Outside of the stuff that Judd Apatow is doing, there just aren’t that many good comedies being made. So, guys like Patton Oswalt and David Cross don’t really have much of a choice. If they want to make good money doing film work, there is a good chance they are going to have to do some selling out.

I’m sure if David Cross had a choice, he’d still be filming new episodes of Arrested Development. However, that hilarious television show was cancelled because of low ratings. Meanwhile, Alvin and the Chipmunks has already grossed $158 million at the box office and is currently the second-ranked movie in the nation.

It’s a sad fact of life that quality television programs are routinely cancelled because of poor ratings and smart, funny movies tank at the box office (Apatow’s films being the exception to the rule, but even Apatow’s underrated sitcom Freaks and Geeks was unceremoniously cancelled years before he achieved his current “Golden Boy” status).

A perfect example of this fact is The Wire, which in my opinion is the best television show ever made, though chances are the majority of you have never watched a single episode of it. Luckily, HBO has stuck by the show, even though it gets low ratings, thanks to the critical acclaim it receives. Season five of the show starts this Sunday and even though the current writers’ strike means that it’s main competition will be shitty reality shows and reruns, most of you still won’t tune in. This fifth and final season will end with little fanfare and will sadly fade into obscurity, even though it will be more compelling and better written than anything else on the air.

Meanwhile, people will continue to bitch and moan about films like Alvin and the Chipmunks and will complain that no one makes good movies or television shows anymore. So you can vilify David Cross all you want for “selling out,” but really there is no one to blame except the morons who continue to shell out money to see CGI chipmunks. It’s not like studio executives want to make shitty movies - it’s just that all they care about is money, so until more people pay to see quality films, Hollywood will continue to give us more of the same shit.

I’d like to believe that someday things will change. With any luck, Judd Apatow will start a revolution and suddenly our movie screens will be overflowing with quality comedies. But, I’m a realist, so I know that chances are we will be treated to Alvin and the Chipmunks IV: This Time It’s Personal long before we start getting a barrage of funny films.

I’d be sad about that fact, but I’m holding out hope that there will be a small part for me in Alvin and the Chipmunks IV. If David Cross throws the script across the room in disgust, I will be standing there with open arms ready to catch it.

Random Thought of the Week:

I got engaged to an absolutely wonderful girl on New Year’s Eve, officially ending my dreams of one day being named one of People Magazine’s “25 Most Eligible Bachelors.”

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

• Introduction
• San Francisco
• Music is a privilege on Hobo Radio
• The big news
• “Gone Daddy” by Gary Jules

Week 41 Spotlight: New Year, same busted show.

With Christmas and New Year’s Eve officially in the rear view mirror, the Murphy brothers are back with the first Hobo Radio podcast of 2008. And, right from Joel’s intro, things get off to a rocky start.

But, while their podcast is the same as it ever was, a few things have changed in Brian and Joel’s personal lives. Brian had a nice visit with his in-laws and actually has nothing to complain about for once in his life and Joel has some surprising news about big change in his life that happened on New Year’s Eve.

What is Joel’s big news? What advice does Brian have for listeners with family visiting? And who thought it was a good idea to give Brian a harmonic during a live broadcast? The answers to these questions and more lie within this week’s show.

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• Overrated - New Year’s celebrations

Ned Bitters

This week’s inductee into the “Overrated Hall of Fame” is … New Year’s celebrations.

It is noon on Dec. 31 and I just returned from the grocery store, where for the umpteenth year in a row I witnessed the number one New Year’s Eve tradition in America: The buying of the shrimp.

What is it about this overrated holiday that makes people want to celebrate it with shrimp? Or, if you are black, with shrimpS. (Oh, settle down, folks. There’s nothing at all racist in that.) I counted 17 people in line at the seafood counter this morning. Normally I might see one person at the fish station. However, it’s New Year’s Eve, which means that by law we must bloat ourselves with peel-and-eat cold spiced shrimp.

While the need to see in the new year with shrimp is puzzling enough, it’s not as puzzling as our need to celebrate the turning over of a new year. Is there any other holiday that seems more pointless? I have never understood the need to finagle an invitation to a party, dress up, dance, mingle, drink copious amounts of alcohol (including some mouth-parching champagne), watch the descent of a gaudy crystal ball, listen to a black-haired octogenarian appropriately named Dick demonstrate that his recent stroke has not affected his Einsteinian ability to count backwards from 10, sing that heartbreakingly maudlin “Auld Lang Syne” and … eat shrimp. All because of a change in the calendar.

I think every other holiday on the calendar deserves more recognition than New Year’s. How about Arbor Day? We all like a nice, shapely tree. Trees are important. They give us oxygen, wood and one less Kennedy or Bono in the world.

How about All Saints Day, which falls the day after Halloween? That’s the day we adults get to savor watching the little fuckers who irritate us all year – kids – spend the day with stomach cramps and bouts of vomitting due to their inability not to scarf up half of their Halloween take in the first 12 hours. That’s one day in which revenge is truly sweet.

I can’t keep the plethora of Jewish holidays straight, but even this former Christian turned atheist gets more kicks from those days than from New Year’s. Just pronouncing the damn days is more fun than drinking until 3 a.m. every Jan. 1. I dare you to say the words “Rosh Hashanah” without smiling at how silly your breathy voice sounds and how funny your jaw looks bobbing up and down like a spasmodic toad. Yom Kippur is fun no matter how you say it. You can cut loose with a perky little Yom “Kip-per,” which makes it sound like an amusement park ride (”Please dad, can we ride the Yom Kipper one more time!” “No, goddamnit, quit whining.”), or you can give it the more traditional Yom “Kip-poooorrrrr,” which makes even the ugliest, untraveled American feel a bit worldly for two or three seconds.

Memorial Day doesn’t get half the attention New Year’s does, but it’s a more important day. This is the day we celebrate those men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom by gorging on burnt hot dogs and pounding 14 Budweisers as we kick off yet another summer of … eating burnt hot dogs and drinking too much Budweiser. Hey, you … yeah you, the poor 18-year-old from Schenectady who got blown to smithereens on Omaha Beach back in ‘44? These Buds are for you. Now where’s my goddamn sunblock, because summer’s coming on fast.

Labor Day is certainly more important than New Year’s. This is the day we celebrate the American working man. How do we do this? By giving a day off to the white collar workers so that they can go shop and eat at places being manned by the poor working man who was not given a day off from his menial job so that he could celebrate his laboring.

Let’s not give short shrift to Columbus Day. Federal employees get the day off to commemorate the man who bumped into America on his quest to find one of the Indies (West? East? Who the fuck knows … obviously not Columbus.). It’s a day worth celebrating in this country, because the forward thinking Spaniard kicked off one of America’s earliest traditions, the indiscriminate slaughtering of the red man, which hundreds of years later led to some of the finest casino resorts in the world. If you’re gonna celebrate something with shrimp, this seems to be as good a day as any to indulge. You can double down while dipping into the cocktail sauce.

Veteran’s Day should also take precedence in the Get Piss Drunk and Eat Shrimp holiday hierarchy. This is the day we are supposed to laud the brave men and women who didn’t end up as human minced meat on some foreign soil. You know, the ones who spent four years in uniform and then spend the rest of their lives getting their identity and self worth from those wasted four years, resulting in free college tuition, corny vanity plates (RETD-COL or GRNDA-VET), and a sense of lifelong entitlement.

Yet we get all excited and drunk every Jan. 31 just to acknowledge the fact that the earth has – surprise, surprise – made another revolution around the sun. The roads will be filled with amateur drinkers zizzagging their ways to other parties or the local Denny’s (because nothing goes better with a stomach full of champagne and shrimp like a greasy Grand Slam breakfast). Every television station will have on some overhyped show that features some ultra-bland pop star performing his or her atrociously bland pop songs while an even blander host shivers in the cold and keeps us updated on the year-end countdown.

Once again this New Year’s, I won’t be going to any parties. (No invitations.) I won’t be watching the corny TV shows. (My middle-aged ass will be asleep by midnight.) I won’t sing Auld Lang Syne. (Despite 347 viewings of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” I don’t know the words.) I won’t be pie-eyed drunk. (I’m an alcoholic, so I have an insane tolerance for alcohol.) No, I’ll be busy planning my activities for the next big holiday, one truly worth celebrating: Martin Luther King Day. In fact, let me start my to-do list right now.

Item # 1: Order ShimpSSS.

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.

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• Hobo Radio - New Year, same busted show