I know the National Football League can do no wrong, has never been more popular and makes an assload of money annually, but I done with it.
Well, maybe not forever, but I am skipping the Super Bowl.
I’ll offer a semi-apology to New England Patriots and New York Giants fans, but I don’t think it’s possible for me to be less excited about the NFL’s biggest game of the year. Honestly, out of every team that made the playoffs this year, this is the least enticing match-up.
Maybe I’m edgy because of the television writer’s strike. I could see that. But much like everything else on television these days, this Super Bowl has a rerun quality to it. That could be because the game was already played once this year (and we know how that went).
That’s why I can say with complete confidence – the Giants have zero chance of winning. I repeat – zero. None. Zilch. Zippy. Eli Manning and friends played their best game of the 2007 season in week 17 and still lost to a semi-inspired Pats squad. Why would things be any different this time around?
Everyone hates head coach Bill Belichick and no one outside of the greater Massachusetts area wants New England to finish the season a perfect 19-0. If they had a consolation game pitting the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers against each other on at the same time as the Super Bowl, I wouldn’t be surprised if it drew comparable ratings – especially outside of the markets of the two Super Bowl teams.
That’s because there’s not one fresh storyline to latch onto. This is going to be the Patriots fourth Super Bowl win in seven years. Bill Belichick is the best coach ever. Got it. Tom Brady is the best quarterback ever. Yawn. Mike Vrabel is a cock. Nothing new there. Why should I even bother tuning in the game? I can’t even hope for a quick glimpse of nipple anymore after Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake ruined that for everyone. Now, the NFL plays it conservative with Tom Petty as the halftime show. And I love Super Bowl commercials, but the best ones will be online the following day. I honestly think I might go take the wife to see the Washington Wizards host the L.A. Lakers that day instead. At least those are two compelling teams that will put on an enjoyable show.
And because we’ve reached the point of insanity where ESPN and all the sportstalk radio stations go 24/7 with their coverage of whether or not Tom Brady wore a cast on his foot this week, I’m doing everything I can to divorce myself from the situation completely.
Which is why I turned to saviors at FOX to save the day.
Have you heard about FOX’s new TV show, Moment of Truth? It’s the show where contestants are quizzed on personal questions and the show uses a lie detector to determine if they’re telling the truth. It’s hosted by former Joe Millionaire and Temptation Island host Mark L. Wahlberg and contestants can win $500,000, as long as they don’t lie in their answers to 21 questions.
Just reading that names and faces from Joe Millionaire were prominently involved was more than enough to get me ready to enjoy some crap TV. And boy, was I in store for all of that and more.
Let me set the scene: a former NFL player named Ty something-or-other volunteers to become the first test subject/guinea pig and answers a few relatively easy questions as his wife and a few friends watch nearby.
Then, the TV show comes back from commercial break and it’s time for a doozy. We get treated to a cameo by former NFL QB Rodney Peete, who asks Ty to recall a “special” detail about his NFL playing days by asking, “Did you ever sneak a peek at another player’s privates while taking a shower?”
“Yes,” Ty replies.
He earns $10,000 for answering that question truthfully.
For his 13th question, Ty, the personal trainer/former NFL player is asked, “Have you ever touched a female client more than you needed to?”
He says, “No.” The lie detector decided that was not the truth and he left with no cash and a severely pissed off wife.
Other questions during the hour-long debut of FOX’s new smash-hit included:
“Have you ever had a sexual fantasy during mass?”
“Are you currently a member of the Hair Club for Men?”
“Do you have a bank account that your girlfriend doesn’t know about?”
If that’s not enough, Moment of Truth is actually a spin-off of a Columbian TV show. Well … I guess I could say a former Columbian TV show. That’s because it was cancelled after a contestant won $25,000 by admitting she had hired someone to kill her husband. Needless to say, the bar is set pretty high for our favorite TV station, and I for one, am looking forward to seeing how long it takes them to one-up that memorable moment. So you can have your Super Bowl, Tom Brady. I’ll be perfectly fine watching washed-up former players embarrass themselves for a chance at a fraction of what you’ll earn on that forgettable Sunday evening.
Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter, and still doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.