By Chris Kirkman

“The Economist” Recap and Analysis …

I don’t know how the rest of you feel, but this season has opened with three of the most compelling episodes in the entire run, and they didn’t have a thing to do with the hatch or pushing the button. I know, I’m as shocked as the rest of you. This week we saw Sayid get his island mojo back, learned of the fourth member of the Oceanic Six and finally put to rest some of our assertions that the island is a place out of time – a cornucopia of nerdy goodness for an amateur quantum theorist like myself.

So let’s get on with it, shall we?

Previously, on Lost:

Naomi found the survivors, then joined the Tailies in the great beyond. Her teammates, who she thought weren’t up to specs for the mission, fared a bit better and made it to the island with an intact helicopter. Locke led his Faithers into the jungle of mystery and got the gift of a hot red-headed anthropologist, while Jack, Kate, Juliet and Sayid got some face time with the head case, the ghostbuster and the drunk and found out all the trouble their going through is just to get good ol’ Benry.

And now… The Economist …

Obligatory shot of an eye, this one closed. Pan out to Sayid, meditating next to the helicopter. Jack is grilling Juliet about Ben’s connections off the island, while Miles runs his mouth. Sayid pays his respects to Naomi, doing that “close the dead’s eyes with their fingertips” thing that I’m pretty sure they only do on TV and the movies. He notices some bling on Naomi’s wrist and examines the bracelet. There’s an inscription.

“N – I’ll always be with you. R.G.”

Yup, gotta be some sort of tracking device from Sloan or SD-6.

Miles wants to move in on Locke with guns a-blazin’, but Sayid’s having none of it. He questions Frank about taking him off the island and back to their freighter. Sayid makes a deal with Frank: If he can safely bring Charlotte back, Sayid has a free ticket on his chopper.

And we’ve got … flashback, err, forward, umm, present. It’s not quite clear which, just yet. It’s Sayid, though, and he’s playing golf. Looking back on all the torturing and infiltrating of terrorist cells he was doing before he got to the island, I’m guessing it’s a safe bet this is a flash-present. I know I’d find it hard-pressed to fit in a round of golf if I had a few months worth of torture and brooding ahead of me. Anywho, he’s soon joined by what I believe to be an Italian who’s apparently lonely and all up in Sayid’s golf business. Apparently, this refined guido is shocked to find Sayid out on the course, as Sayid is the only golfer he’s come across all morning.

“I believe we are paying quite a premium for that kind of privacy,” Sayid says with refined and subtle snark.

The guido wants to make a wager because he believes Sayid is using the wrong club. They make it a hundred, as Sayid takes a swing and makes one helluva great CGI shot onto the green. The guido asks Sayid what he does. Nothing, regards Sayid. He then tells him his name and that he’s one of the Oceanic Six. It’s right about now that the Italian gets noticeably unsettled. Not unsettled enough to ruin his shot, though, as he gets closest to the pin. He tells Sayid not to worry about the bet and nervously backs up to his cart. Sayid insists on paying him, though, and calls him by his name, Mr. Avelino, right before pulling a gun out of his golf bag and blowing the guido away.

Sayid calmly gathers his club and calls it a day, walking off the green and through the sprinklers which have now been turned on. Apparently they both paid quite a premium for privacy, but not quite so much that the course operators would care to have the damn sprinklers turned off during regular play. Perhaps Bill Murray was drowning out a gopher or something.

Cue the swirling Lost!

We’re still in flash-present as we see Sayid, looking very debonair, enter what appears to be the swankiest coffee shop in Berlin. I know it’s Berlin because he soon asks, in German, if a seat is taken near a pretty blonde, and then proceeds to ask directions to the Pottsdammerplatz. The blonde’s name is Elsa, and the two begin the ritualistic repartee that signifies we’re going to see these two bump uglies within 30 minutes of show time. It seems Sayid is a headhunter – or rather he works on corporate mergers. Uh huh. We just saw you shoot a guy on the golf course. The corporate world has suddenly gotten much bloodier than I imagined. Elsa works for an economist, or at least that’s what she thinks he does. She shops for him, as well as carrying around a half-pound beeper for whenever he’s in town. Soon, they’ve set up a dinner date, and we wait to find out what Sayid Bond wants from her.

Back on the island, Sayid notices that Naomi was carrying a picture of Desmond. Clearly, Naomi and the other rescuers’ agendas are not on the same page. Sayid suggests they bring back Desmond from the beach to shed light on the whole subject, and soon Juliet, radiant as always, is headed out to get our favorite Scot. Hurry back, sweetpea. Meanwhile, Sayid tells Jack that this mission to get Charlotte back may not be the best one for Jack to be a part of. Sayid plans to bring her back from Locke without bloodshed.

“As opposed to how I’d do it,” grunts Jack, his brittle ego clearly wounded.

“The last time you encountered him, you put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. That’s not exactly good diplomacy.” BOOYOW, Jack. Your momma.

Back with Locke and the Faithers, now. Sawyer’s egging on Ben to give up his mole on the boat. He suggests to Locke that they just point a gun at Ben’s big toe and if he doesn’t tell them what they want to know, they can blow it off and then move on down the line.

“Now why don’t we do that?” asks James, all smug.

“Because then we’d have to carry him,” Locke says, wisely. God, he’s like a 65-year-old ruthless buddha. I just wanna rub his belly and wish for good luck on days like this.

Locke’s gazing around, looking for something. There’s a line of grey dust in the underbrush, subconciously signifying some sort of pagan ritual or metaphysical spell I’ve come across in the path. He’s looking for the cabin, of course, but it’s nowhere to be found. Sawyer wants to know what’s so important about this shack, to which Ben states that John is simply looking for someone to tell him what to do. This digs in his craw about as bad as someone calling Marty McFly a chicken, and so Locke is soon crabbily stating that it doesn’t matter and that they should just get to the barracks. Hurley’s got a slight objection to going to the barracks with Charlotte as a hostage, however. He wants to let her go as a sign of good faith. Locke tells him it’d be a sign of foolishness. I agree. Once you find a hot, british redhead, it’s usually a good idea to hold onto her.

Back at the chopper, Kate puts a little dig into Jack’s ego herself, telling him that this is how she normally feels, not being able to go on missions. He wants her to go with them since he doesn’t really trust Sayid. She reluctantly agrees and the torturer, the outlaw and the ghostbuster head off into the jungle of mystery.

Sayid’s trio begins making their way through the jungle. Sayid is contemplating Naomi’s bracelet and begins questioning Miles about his connection to her. He thought she was hot and he dug her accent, further sealing the deal that he’s more dick than funnyman. (So what if I say the same thing about Charlotte. I care about her as a person, so there.) Anyway, Miles turns the tables and wants to know more about Locke – more precisely how he managed to split up the happy castaway family.

“There was a fundamental debate as to whether your people were coming to rescue us or kill us,” says Sayid, matter-of-factly.

“And which side did you land on?” asks Miles.

Sayid gives Miles his best quixotic glare and simply says, “I’ll let you know when I decide.”

Flash-present! Sayid arrives at Elsa’s apartment, dressed in a fine tuxedo, and proceeds to put on his best super-spy routine. Elsa decides to leave her brick, I mean, beeper behind, but Sayid says he’ll carry it. He doesn’t want her to be fired because of him. Elsa soon questions Sayid about his being still in Berlin.

“The job I’m on is proving harder to accomplish than I though,” says Sayid.

“I was hoping it was … because of me,” giggles Elsa. Oh, honey, if only you knew you were the job. Then again, perhaps you do. Cue up The Spy Who Loved Me on the ol’ Victrola, people.

Back on the island, we’ve got high-tension mystery music, as Daniel grabs a case from the chopper and starts assembling some strange-antennaed device. Jack wants to know what he’s up to and asks Frank. Frank has no idea. Dan, looking like a kid who just discovered how to fry ants with a magnifying glass, asks Frank for the satphone. He wants to do an experiment. Frank gives him the phone, but tells him to keep to that science stuff. If George gets on the phone, he’s supposed to hang up. Mysterious.

Dan gets Regina on the horn, sets some buttons on his equipment, and asks her to “fire the payload.” Jack and Frank back up further into the tree, and Frank assures Jack that Dan does this stuff on the boat all the time. Regina starts to count down kilometers to Dan’s beacon, finally reaching the final mark, but Dan doesn’t have whatever he was expecting to arrive.

“That’s weird,” says Regina.

“That’s far more than weird,” wonders Dan. You ain’t seen weird yet, Danny boy, says I.

Sayid and Co. have reached the barracks and it seems pretty empty. We get shots of spooky clothes fluttering on clotheslines and wind chimes clanging. There’s a banging inside one of the houses and the trio bust in, open a closet door and find … HURLEY! He’s tied up and gagged. “They left me!” says he.

“Locke’s gone off the reservation!” says Hurley, as he starts to ramble about all that Locke has been up to, even mentioning Walt and Sayid goes WALT? and he goes Dude don’t even get me started and …

“Where the hell did they go, Tubby?” Miles snarks.

“Oh, awesome, the ship sent us another Sawyer,” says Hurley. Quote of the episode, says I.

Hurley finally tells the three that they left with Charlotte and that Locke says that the rescuers were there to kill us. Are you? he asks Miles.

Miles slowly turns, gets a little beam in his eye, and simply says, “Not yet.” Crreeeeepy.

Anywho, Hurley finally spits out that the group was headed to Ben’s house, maybe to lock Ben up in a closet, too. Miles wants to go to Ben’s house, naturally.

Back at the chopper, Jack wants to know about the Sox winning the World Series. Yes, Jack, believe it or not they pulled it off TWICE now. GO SOX! Ahem. Apparently Frank bleeds Yankee blue and doesn’t want to talk about it. Nice cultural tie-in Lost writers. You’ve still got the goods.

Dan’s equipment starts beeping just as a missile comes flying out of the sky and lodges itself into the ground mere inches from their feet. Dan is as happy as a fat kid eating a Nutty Buddy, and he tears open the rocket to get the payload. He pulls out the package, looks at his watch and says ohhhhh no. The payload is a clock, and he holds it up next to the digital clock he’s brought along on the island. The two time read-outs are about thirty minutes apart. Suddenly I’m wondering when Doc Brown is going to come running out of the brush, grab Dan by the shoulders and tell him that something needs to be done about his kids. Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.

Right on cue, Juliet is back from the beach with Desmond. They’re all smiles as Desmond is happy to see the helicopter.

Back in the barracks, Sayid and such are in Ben’s house. They fan out. Kate kicks open a bedroom door, apparently completely disregarding any element of surprise. She notices a closet door open and rams it open. Nope, nobody in there. Sayid is in the library and notices some scuff marks at the base of a bookshelf and surmises that there’s a secret passage behind it. It probably leads to the kitchen, where he can make a guess as to whether it’s Miss Scarlet or Professor Plum, with the rope. He pulls the bookcase aside, and finds Ben’s secret hidey hole full of suits, passports, world currency and everything a burgeoning globetrotter might need in his quest for worldwide domination.

Back in the bedroom, Kate’s checking under the bed for monsters of dust bunnies, when she notices a pair of boots coming in the door, much like how they came in the door while young James was hiding beneath it when his father shot himself. Not surprisingly, it’s Sawyer. SHHHHHH, says he. SAYID! screams Kate.

Sayid rounds the corner to find a gun in his face. It’s Locke, telling him not to worry, that Kate’s fine. Around another corner comes Hurley, head hung low.

“Good job, Hugo,” says Locke.

“Sorry, dude,” says Hurley. Shame on you, says I.

Sayid’s being marched out of Ben’s house by Danielle now, who says that it’s “nothing personal.” Heh. Sayid wants to know where Locke is, to which Hurley states that he’s talking to that angry Chinese dude. Sayid tells Hurley that he’s not going to hurt him.

“Yeah, well, I saw you break that guy’s neck with that crazy breakdancing thing you do with your leg. I think I’ll hang back here,” quips Hurley, nervously. Ahh, it’s good to see Hurley getting most of the best lines, once again.

Sayid is ushered to the rec room, where Ben is tied to a chair. Ben wastes no time in getting under Sayid’s skin, as he tells him he lost a bet to Locke as to whether Sayid would be stupid enough to fall for his friend as bait.

Kate’s still playing house/prisoner with Sawyer in the bedroom. Kate wants to know why the hell Sawyer’s with Locke. Long story short, Sawyer’s in no hurry to get off the island because there’s nothing left for him back in the real world. They have a brooding, existential debate about freedom, love, commitment and reality – nothing too far off the course for those two.

Locke enters the rec room with some iced tea for Sayid, which Ben wants really, really badly. He apologizes to Sayid for the theatrics, but it was necessary to see how well-armed they were. Wise Locke. Sayid wants to know where Kate and Miles are.

“Kate is with Sawyer and Miles is … somewhere else,” half-grins Locke, while sipping his Nestea.

Locke and Sayid soon begin the dance of two men with different agendas but, nevertheless, mutual respect. Sayid knows that the rescuers are liars, but he needs Charlotte to get back to the boat. He thinks it’s his best bet to find out what they’re really doing on the island. Locke explains that Ben knows all about that, and that he has an insider on the boat. Sayid wants to know who that is. It’s a secret, of course, says Ben.

Sayid wants Charlotte, or a war will be headed Locke’s way. Locke doesn’t want to give up Charlotte for nothing, to which Sayid replies that he’ll get far less than nothing in return, with is charming, Iraqi smile.

And … we have flash-present. Sayid is in bed with Elsa. The Bond trifecta is now in play – beautiful woman with a “chance” meeting, waking up in bed next to said beautiful woman with some fascinatingly complex emotional tapdancing. Elsa and James, I mean Sayid, do the two-step under the covers. No, not that two-step, you perv. I mean, the superspy two-step whereby they ask each other about their “real” lives while contemplating how best to cock a gun without the other hearing.

It’s clear from their exchange that Sayid is smitten with Elsa, the likely downfall of the superspy lothario. It’s also about this time that we know something bad is gonna happen. Sayid agrees to tell Elsa what she wants to know about his mysterious life, but not before Elsa’s 1980s-era beeper goes off. She leaps from the covers, ready to do her employer’s bidding. Sayid’s love for his mysterious mark gets the better of him and he starts telling her that she needs to get the hell out of Berlin because he’s there to take care of her employer. She feigns shock at his motives and moves into the bathroom, turning on the faucet. I’m not a superspy, but whenever someone leaves the room and turns on running water, even I know it’s time to run or find my pistol.

“He’s on a list,” says Sayid.

“A list?” says she. “You just kill people because they’re on a list? Innocent people?”

“The man you work for is not an economist,” says Sayid, shortly before he’s shot point-blank by little Miss Undercover Agent. Good god, man, didn’t you ever watch Alias? The show was on for three seasons before you got to the island, for fuck’s sake. It had Jennifer Garner in it, so don’t lie and said you didn’t check it out.

Sayid’s lying on the bed, dying, while Elsa makes a phone call like a good evil lackey. She didn’t read the evil lackey’s handbook, apparently, since she doesn’t know that you’re not supposed to keep talking while the hero lies there waiting for death. Sayid starts eyeing the pistol in his jacket and it’s not long before he throws an ashtray into a mirror for a distraction, rolls off the bed, grabs the gun, and shoots Elsa in the chest as she re-enters the room. And, in tortured super-spy fashion, Sayid crawls over to her dying form and grabs her hand while looking into her eyes with sorrowful abandon. It’s during this time that Sayid notices a bracelet simlar to Naomi’s on Elsa’s wrist. She dies and he does the “close her eyes with your hand” thing that he did with Naomi earlier. Nice little connection, there, since Naomi is working for the same bastard that Sayid is trying to take down. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Back at the chopper, Desmond is wanting to know what the hell is up with Penny’s picture in Naomi’s pocket. Frank is clueless. He’s never heard of Penelope Widmore, apparently, even though he gives a little curious glance over to Dan while admitting it. Desmond’s not satisfied with that answer and tells Frank that he’s gonna be on that chopper when it takes off. God, I hope the next episode or two takes place on the freighter.

Sayid is heading over the hill now. He’s back … and he has Charlotte in tow. Just the two of them, however. Jack wants to know where the hell is Kate, to which Sayid tells him that she decided to say. Jack is perplexed and saddened. Shock.

Frank, meanwhile, wants to know where Miles is. Sayid traded him for Charlotte.

“You cheated,” grins Frank.

“Did I?” asks Sayid.

“Yes you did. Lucky for you, that guy is nothing but a pain in my ass,” quips Frank. Sayid, one, rescuers, zip. Awesome.

Frank starts eliminating passengers on the next helicopter list. Charlotte and Dan both agree to stay on the island. Frank gets ready to lift off, but not before Dan offers him a little advice – make sure he stays on the exact bearing they came in on, and do NOT deviate from it in any way. Frank agrees, even if he doesn’t understand.

Jack wishes Sayid good luck, and Sayid tells Frank that they should bring Naomi home. They load her onto the chopper and it takes off, with Desmond on board. They soar up and over the island, and we get to see the aerial topography for the first time. They head out over the ocean, and make a bank, and are off … into the unknown.

Flash-present! Dogs in cages. A vet’s office, apparently. Sayid stumbles in, clutching his shoulder. An off-camera voice instructs him to take his shirt off. He walks in and does so, taking a seat in a chair. Someone comes in with anisceptic.

“Is she dead?” asks the voice. There’s something familiar about it.

Yes, says Sayid. The voice asks why he didn’t get killed. Sayid says that she wanted information – wanted to know who he worked for.

“Of course she did,” says the voice, as the camera pans up to reveal BEN! Heads explode across America.

Ben wants to know if Sayid is crying because it hurts or because he lost her. He wants to remind Sayid what happened the last time he thought with his heart instead of his guns. He also asks Sayid whether he wants to protect his friends, or not. He has another name for Sayid.

“But they will know that I am after them now,” says Sayid.

“GOOD,” says Ben.

Cue the thonk!

Whew. Most of the revelations within “The Economist” have to do with Sayid’s missions after he gets off the island and becomes one of the famed Oceanic Six. We’ll deal with those in due time, as they’re pretty straightforward – at least as straightforward as most of the breadcrumbs dropped by the powers-that-be. Before we move onto the more mundane questions at hand regarding R.G., world-hopping Ben and the superspy Sayid, I’d like to talk a bit about physics and quantum theory. Bear with me, this will be short and painless, I promise.

THE FLUX CAPACITOR, DOC BROWN, AND THE SEVEN ARROWS OF TIME

Let’s talk a bit about Dan and his experiments. Dan calls Regina back on the freighter and asks her to send a payload, which we later learn is a rocket with a stopwatch in its innards. Regina counts down the moment until touchdown, at which Dan notes that the rocket hasn’t reach its destination quite at the same time as she notes from her perspective on the freighter. Of course, when Dan removes the stopwatch from the rocket when it finally touches down, he notes that the stopwatch inside the rocket is almost thirty minutes behind the watch he has on the island. There are two possible theories to explain such an event.

First, let’s take a look at the more mundane theory:

1. The magnetic field around the island is all out of whack.

First of all, this would explain why Sayid’s compass goes crazy when he tries to get a True North reading while trying to interpret Danielle’s map in Season One. He remarks very early on that he can’t trust the compass for a bearing because it’s spinning wildly while trying to get a reading.

Secondly, when Ben sends Michael and Walt off the island in the Others’ boat, he informs Michael that he should adhere closely to a specific bearing. If Michael follows his instructions, he’ll get off the island. This infers that there is only one specific magnetic bearing that is “true,” and if he fails to follow that input, the two will never make it off the island. If the magnetic field around the island was in flux or off-kilter, it would make sense that one particular bearing would match up to a real-world equivalent.

Thirdly, a strange magnetic anomaly would account for Desmond’s inability to sail away from the island when he flees the hatch early in Season Two and then ends up back on the beach later that season. Regardless of whether Desmond was drunk the entire time, he would have picked a heading on the compass and stuck to it, trying to get to open sea.

Lastly, in regards to the payload, if the rocket was guided by a radio signal sent by Daniel’s device, the disruption in the magnetic field could have done one of two things. If the rocket was guided by positional triangulation, then the third reading it used – a static compass setting – would have been disrupted by the strong magnetic force. In similar fashion, if the rocket’s guidance depended on a radio signal from Daniel’s device as a sort of homing beacon, the magnetic disruptance would have skewed the radio signal in such a way that the rocket had to circle the island a few times, lowering its altitude in each pass, before it could reacquire the signal and lock onto it. Remember, now, that Dan was using a satellite phone to contact Regina and the boat, which would have been barely affected by a magnetic field.

2) The island is somehow situated within a temporal vortex or gravitational fluctuation with may have caused time dilation.

I won’t even attempt to go into all the hullabaloo surrounding the theories of special and general relativity here because a) it would bore you to tears, b) it’s a lifetime kinda thing and c) I’m not a physicist, although I play one on TV. Instead, I will focus on one specific theory which relates to Daniel’s little experiment: gravitational time dilation.

The long and short of it is basically this: Higher gravitational fields can affect areas of space time in much more dynamic ways than low gravitational fields. Let’s look at it this way: Let’s pretend we have two objects, a ping-pong ball and a golf ball, laying on a sheet of fabric. The fabric represents space-time, and the ping pong ball and the golf ball represent two objects with differing gravitational fields. The ping pong ball is lighter and has less gravitational pull than the more dense, gravity-infused golf ball. As such, one of the two objects will cause more of an effect on the fabric.

Figure 1

If you’ll take a look at Figure 1, you’ll notice that the ping pong ball has much less of an effect on the fabric than the golf ball does. Yes, I know this is a bit dramatic, but you physicists and perfectionists can get off my back.

Figure 2

Figure 2 shows the path of an object traveling toward the two objects. Let’s say it’s a very small marble. The path that the marble takes to reach the ping pong ball is much shorter than the path the marble will take in reaching the golf ball. Granted, this is a very crude graphic and demonstration, of which I apologize, but you can still see the point I’m trying to make. The greater the gravitational pull, the longer it will take for an object to reach its destination if it exists outside the space-time plane of the main object. If an observer is on the main object, it will appear as though the object has taken longer to reach its destination than normal because the observer is outside the distorted path that the object has had to take in order to reach its destination.

Essentially, the object with a greater gravitational significance will affect other objects in its vicinity, regardless of their make-up. This also includes light, which is not immune to gravitational influence. In the previous episode, Dan notes that light doesn’t quite scatter the way he expects on the island and considers it fascinating. If the island somehow exhibits a distortion in the gravitational field, then light would also be affected.

Basically, it boils down to this: with a magnetic field in significant flux, the island could exist as a point of stronger gravitational impact on the earth, which could explain some of the phenomena on the island. Most notably and topically, it could explain why Daniel’s rocket took an extra thirty minutes to reach its target, at least in relation to the observer – Daniel. Basically, the strong gravitations of the island affected the speed of the rocket relative to its intended target – Dan. I know my examples don’t fully explain what the hell I’m talking about, but it’s the best I can do in only a few short paragraphs. If any of you are more interested in the vagaries and wonderment of relativity, gravity and the warp of space-time, I’d be more than glad to indulge you in a subsequent feature or through email.

Also, for those of you who may not have quite gotten the relation here, the island is represented by the golf ball, with a higher gravitational pull. So, there.

THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE BRACELET

One thing became crystal clear from this episode: there’s a bigger force at work here, off the island, than Ben and his Others. Last episode we learned that the so-called Dharma Initiative was involved in research that was not specific just to the island, indicating that there were other “mystery spots” that the Initiative deemed important for research. What we may have learned from this episode is that there is an individual far-removed from the island and the Initiative that is not only alive, but is also in charge of the whole damn thing.

One clue as to this person’s identity is the bracelet that Sayid found on Naomi’s body. The initials “R. G.” will be burned into our brains for quite some time, now, since we saw the inscription. Although we never saw the inscription therein, we know that Elsa was also wearing one of these bracelets, which can only lead us to assume that the mastermind behind most of this holds the exact same initials.

Who is this mysterious R.G.? Frankly, I haven’t a clue. Not even a guess, honestly. The initials don’t correspond to any individual involved with the island that I can remember. Maybe some of you can recall someone I’m missing or have a good theory. I’m all ears, so drop me a line.

BEN’S A BIG FAT LIAR

Well, duh. Clearly, the puppetmaster has not only been pulling the strings of the survivors, but also those under his direct command on the island. The Others have clearly been duped into believing that Ben is a pseudo-native that was sent to lead them, partly because of Jacob, and partly because he took care of a threat to the island. What’s clear, now, is that none of them knew of his globetrotting. What, exactly, he has been up to in his years on the island remains to be seen. What we do know, for certain, is that he’s been off the island many, many times and he’s the mastermind behind a global conspiracy, of sorts.

The biggest spoiler for most of us, though, is knowing that no matter what someone does to him on the island, he’s not gonna catch a bullet for his bullshit.

Unless, of course, he has a twin. Nahhhh, what’re the chances of that?

That about wraps it up for this week. Sorry I had to break out the science and metaphysics. Hopefully next week we’ll just get a plain ol’ filler episode about Sun and Jin’s miracle baby. Then again, I’m guessing not.

Until then, let me know what you think and if I missed something.

Namaste.

Chris Kirkman is a graphic designer/photographer/journalist/geek extraordinaire with way too many Bruce Campbell movies in his library. He is still hoping that Lost will end when Bob Newhart wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette, complaining of a strange, strange dream. You can contact him at ckirkman@hobotrashcan.com.

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Brian Murphy

This week’s column is going to be a little bit different than usual. For starters, it’s not about football. With the season over, I can finally admit I’ve neglected the other major sports for quite some time now.

While my primary attention has been locked in on all things dealing with the National Football League for the last six months or so, I’ve been paying more and more attention to the pro basketball game of late. Seeing mega trades sending Shaquille O’Neal, Jason Kidd and Pau Gasol to the Western Conference has me wondering if fantasy basketball owners have hijacked the Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks and Los Angeles Lakers, respectfully.

I love the newfound testicular fortitude that NBA general managers have discovered, but there’s one problem with the way things are heading. The Western Conference is already vastly superior to the East, and deals like this aren’t doing anything to close the gap. So it’s with that in mind that I present to you nine deals that should be made before the trading deadline to help the Eastern Conference out. (I say nine because the Atlanta Hawks getting Michael Bibby is exactly the kind of trade I’m ordering for the East). Chances are none of these nine trades will actually happen, but let’s dive in anyways:

1. Boston Celtics get guard Sam Cassell from Los Angeles Clippers for forward Kendrick Perkins and center Brian Scalabrine.

Cassell has already let it be known that he’d love to play in Boston with Kevin Garnett and friends. They’re a veteran bunch hoping to win a championship in the next year or two, so why not solidify your depth by adding a clutch shooter like “Sam I Am,” who could clearly use a change of scenery? Perkins is a solid players, but the Celtics should jump at this move if they were able to add a veteran like Cassell while dumping a stuff like Scalabrine.

2. Chicago Bulls get forward Al Harrington from Golden State Warriors for small forward Andres Nocioni and point guard Chris Duhon.

Technically players like Austin Croshere and Kelanna Azubuike would have to be thrown in to make a deal work, but the Bulls need do to something. Adding Harrington would give them the big man Ben Wallace hasn’t been, and would give players like Ben Gordon and Luol Deng more room outside to work.

3. Orlando Magic get forward Kurt Thomas from Seattle Sonics for forward Pat Garrity, point guard Keyon Dooling and a conditional draft pick.

Orlando is already a talented team, but adding another solid big man to help Dwight Howard would push them from the good, to really, really good level. And it would also allow them to better match-up with opponents. The Sonics would add two expiring contracts and another draft pick to their rebuilding process.

4. Cleveland Cavaliers get forward Tracy McGrady from Houston Rockets for guard Larry Hughes and forward Drew Gooden and two first-round draft picks.

I’m not a Cavs fan, or even a LeBron fan, but even I know he’s been shafted long enough. While Kobe and D-Wade have had their share of talented teammates, James has been stuck with “Boobie” Miles and a WNBA-caliber roster. Honestly, it’s no wonder he openly wears New York Yankees attire to sporting events in Cleveland – he’s sending a message. Get him help or lose him the first chance he gets.

So why not make a monster deal to finally give LeBron the help he absolutely desires? Houston is never going to win a playoff series, so they should do something to shake things up. Cleveland would guarantee James remains a happy camper and continues to solidify his status as the best player in the NBA today. It’s a win-win. It’s a win-win that will never happen, but it’s a win-win, all the same.

5. Washington Wizards get forward/center Elton Brand from Los Angeles Clippers for forward Antawn Jamison and a conditional first-round pick.

I could talk about the Wizards for days. They’re one of the most fun teams to watch, but there’s one serious flaw in their make-up – they’re lacking a true inside presence. Sure, Brenda Haywood has done fine this season, but any team that truly believes they can win with her is sorely mistaken. I understand the value of having a locker room leader like Jamison on a young and inexperienced team like Washington, but if they don’t do something to get some inside toughness this team of jumpshooters will be destined for first round failures for as long as they exists.

Once Brand returns from a ruptured left Achilles tendon, this trade gives guard Gilbert Arenas and forward Caron Butler a true dominant big man they desperately need. Make the deal and watch this team face the best the Eastern Conference has to offer for the foreseeable future.

6. Toronto Raptors get forward Chris Wilcox from Seattle Sonics for center Rasho Nesterovic’s expiring contract and a first-round pick.

Seattle is rebuilding with young studs like Kevin Durant and Jeff Green. Wilcox seems to be lost in the shuffle, and best as I can tell, is left searching for answers. While Seattle might not have a basketball team much longer, they’d be wise to continue building with a young movement in mind. Stockpiling salary cap room and draft picks is a wise way to speed up the future, and whatever city that gets the Sonics will have to feel good about the team they’re stealing.

Random sidenote about Toronto – they have to be the most laid back team in the history of the NBA. At the All-Star break, they only had three technical fouls. That’s an entire team for the first half of the season. This is the point I mention that Resheed Wallace has nine technical fouls by himself.

7. Miami Heat get forward Mike Miller and forward Brian Cardinal for the expiring contracts of forward Ricky Davis and guard Jason Williams.

Memphis would be wise to collect as many expiring contracts as possible, if for no other reason than to make people accept the fact that they traded for Kwame Brown. Sure, they’d be giving up a nice player in Miller, but they’d also be dumping Cardinals’ terrible deal (three years remaining at $5.8 million for less than three points and two rebounds per game). The Heat, on the other hand, would replace sharpshooting small forward Jason Kapono with Miller, who hits 43 percent of his three pointers.

8. Indiana Pacers get forward Ron Artest from the Sacramento Kings for forward Mike Dunleavy.

Okay, okay, okay. I know there’s no way in a million years they’d ever let Artest even back in the state, but isn’t it fun to dream of sending him back to the Pacers? They’d call in the National Guard the first time Indiana returned to Detroit to play the Pistons, but it’d be a welcome break from all the Middle East deployments our troops are getting stuck with. Although if we’re being honest, they’re more likely to catch a stray bullet in Detroit than in Iraq, so maybe we should just move on …

9. The New York Knicks need more help than I could ever offer. Fire head coach Isiah Thomas and then maybe the healing can begin.

Honestly, why waste our time coming up with ways to improve the Knicks when they’re still being run by the worst general manager in professional sports? What the hell do New Yorkers care? They’re still trying to figure out how the autistic Manning just won them a Super Bowl.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter, and still doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.

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(Click to enlarge.)

Jeremiah was raised in the deepest part of the darkest jungle. That’s why he smells like adventure. He currently lives in Elkins, WV with his wife, Becky, and son, Isaiah, who is epic and destined to rule the world one day. You can contact him at jeremiahwentz@hobotrashcan.com.

When Maury Levy had Omar Little on the stand in court, he tried to discredit the witness by saying that Omar profited from the drug trade, making a living off of the suffering of others. Without missing a beat, Omar responded, “Just like you man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase.”

It’s ironic that on The Wire, a show focusing on the drug trade in Baltimore, one of the most evil characters is the lawyer who represents the street thugs. But Maury Levy, played brilliantly by Michael Kostroff, is a smarmy, unapologetic villain who fans love to hate. We recently talked to Kostroff about his character, the show and why fans won’t let him pick out a tomato in peace.

Where are you originally from and where do you call home now?

I’m originally from New York City. I’ve been living in Las Angeles for 18 years, so naturally I call New York City home.

How did you get into acting? How old were you when you started and how did you decide this is what you wanted to do for a living?

I believe acting is a calling. Practically out of the womb I was making up shows, talking to imaginary characters or becoming characters. It’s sort of been a lifelong thing. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t know I was going to be an actor.

It’s always hard to answer the “big break” question because there wasn’t one. It was sort of a series of little breaks followed by long periods of unemployment and at a certain point I looked around and I was making a living as an actor.

You have appeared in guest spots on a variety of television shows. What has it been like being a journeyman actor? Is it tough to constantly go onto new sets to play these parts or do you enjoy the variety in the work?

I think one of my favorite things about being an actor is the variety. Variety of roles, variety of settings, going from theatre to TV; it’s really one of my favorite things. In fact, if I’m ever in a play where I can play like 10 or 12 roles as I did in The Producers, that’s Heaven for me because I really like the diversity.

And, I’ve always had a very kind of blue collar philosophy about my acting career. I love the whole journeyman aspect. I always think of it as wheeling my little peddler’s cart through the village, ringing the bell, seeing if anyone needs an actor.

Which of those experiences stand out to you? Was there a particular show you really enjoyed working on?

Well, I think I have a bad reputation for closing shows. I did Studio 60 and then that went off the air. I did The Wedding Bells and that went off the air.

You know, it’s really hard to top The Wire, I have to tell you. That show has been such a joy for me that everything else pales by comparison. So, of my TV work, I can’t off the top of my head think of anything that leaps out.

I had a great time on The Geena Davis Show. I played the school principal who was very nervous around Geena. The character had a big crush on her and would always hit on her whenever she came to visit her kids’ school, so that was kind of a fun part.

When did you first start to realize that The Wire might be something special?
You play Maurice Levy on the best show on television today, The Wire. What attracted you to the show and how was the character described to you initially?

To the first question, it always makes me laugh when actors get asked in interviews, “What drew you to the project?” and nobody tells the truth. The truth is, we like work. (Laughs.) So, you know, a job as an actor is never a bad offer.

We no longer have to keep this a secret – my sister is the executive producer. It was sort of an unusual journey for me getting the role. She called to ask if I wanted to audition for a different role, Barlow, and I didn’t get the part. She said, “The bad news is that you didn’t get the part, but the good news is David Simon would like you to come read for Levy.”

And, I went and auditioned and apparently he looked at the tape and said, “Why are we looking at this? That’s the guy.” So that was the extent of it.

I don’t know that it was ever described to me. With David Simon’s writing, you take the pages and unfold the origami that’s in the wording. You find the clues. And it’s just so brilliantly written that, if you do your homework, you figure out exactly what’s happening in the scene.

I don’t think I really got it until I saw it on television. I thought it was good and I loved the role because it was so different for me, but until I tuned in, I didn’t really get what a great show it was. Then I became as addicted as any fan and I tried to forget what we filmed so I could be surprised every week.

Most of the characters on The Wire operate in shades of gray, but Maury Levy doesn’t really seem to have any redeeming qualities. He’s one of the least likeable characters on the show.

You’ve really hit the nail on the head. That’s an excellent observation. In fact, one of my favorite things about The Wire is the complexities of the characters. You have Wee-Bey, the toughest shooter in the gang, who has to make sure his tropical fish are taken care of when he goes out of town to kill somebody.

And Levy’s one of the few characters whose good side has never been shown. It’s interesting. I have to tell you, at our premiere in Baltimore, we came outside and there was a protest. There were folks protesting the image of black people on the show. And I thought, “Have you taken a look at the portrayal of Jews on the show?” (Laughs.)

Black characters have been portrayed at all ends of the spectrum. I think that’s really a flawed objection because we have wonderful, noble black characters on the show. But I think I’m the entire representation of Jews on the show. (Laughs.) Not so good.

I don’t know exactly why David Simon did that, but I’m glad he never showed the good side of Levy because it’s been much to fun to play an absolute son of a bitch.

Do you think there is a good side to Levy? Do you attempt to round out the character in your head?

Well, I had to find a reason why he did it because you don’t ever want to say, “He’s evil, so he likes doing bad things.” And I decided that for Levy, it was very much about the chess game and he was very proud of being able to win unwinnable cases and make thugs look like people with great potential in society. So, for him, it was sort of the sense of “Aha! See what I did? You didn’t think I could do that. Pretty good, huh?” I think that’s sort of what drives him.

He definitely seems to have a smug satisfaction whenever he wins a case. It’s odd too because as smarmy as the character is, he’s definitely one of those guys you love to hate.

I get that a lot. People like watching Levy and they always smile when they tell me how much they hate me.

I was in the grocery store, picking out tomatoes like you do and, I have to say, I don’t walk around with a constant awareness of the fact that I’m on television. So, I’m buying tomatoes and behind me I hear, “You motherfucking son of a bitch.”

I turned around and I thought, “Did this guy want these particular tomatoes?” And I noticed that he was smiling from ear to ear. It took me a second, then I went, “Oh, you watch The Wire.”

And with a big grin he went, “Yeah, you’re an asshole.” (Laughs.)

There is something likeable about him. And yeah, you’re right, he is very pleased with himself when he has outwitted his opponents. That’s kind of what it’s about. And I think that’s why lawyers admire him. Not because they admire his ethics, but because they do admire his technique.

How often do you get recognized? Does it happen quite a bit?

Fairly frequently, more so now that our fifth season is underway. We have hardcore Wire fans everywhere. I think more often they look at me and they feel like they know me but they can’t quite place me because I’m so different from Levy in real life. I’m a total goofball, I’m just a geek and I’m usually smiling when they meet me and they just can’t put that together.

Obviously you can’t give away anything substantial, but can you give us any indication what is in store for Levy for the rest of season five?

I can tell you that it’s just as ever, more slime, more duplicity, more unscrupulous tactics. As you know, we are all sworn to secrecy, we all sign an agreement saying we won’t say any plotline. I’ve already disappointed those that thought I might end up a minister by the end of the season. That’s not going to happen.

It really kills me that I can’t talk about this season because it’s really, really good. It’s got shocks in it. It will not disappoint and we will not have a Sopranos ending, I can promise you that.

What are some of your favorite moments from the show?

It’s so many little moments that I love. I share this in common with David Simon, he likes the funny moments. I love the “fuck” scene, when the whole dialogue in the scene is fuck. One of my favorite things was when they were trying to use Robert’s Rules of Order for the co-op meeting among the gang members and somebody says something and somebody else says, “Sit down motherfucker, the chair ain’t recognize you yet.”

I just love the richness and the diversity of the characters and how they completely manage to surprise us over and over again. It is hard to pick out a moment, I have to say.

I think most fans would say their favorite Levy moment is when I get knocked down by Omar in the courtroom and kind of exposed as a fraud. That’s a fairly brilliant moment, I think. And I loved working with Michael K. Williams.

Because there are so many characters on the show, many of the actors have never met. I mostly work with certain characters. So, at the premiere this year, I was able to shake hands with Rawls and Carcetti and a bunch of people I’ve never met and tell them I like their work.

So the day that I went to work with Michael K. Williams, I was scared because he’s such a badass on the show. I was nervous to meet him. I came over, very shyly put out my hand and he looked at me and said, “I was afraid to meet you.” Then we ended up having a good old time. He’s just the sweetest man in the world.

The fact that he’s been overlooked in the Emmy nominations is appalling to me. He and Andre Royo have put in just perfect performances year after year, moving and complex, and I don’t understand why they haven’t been nominated.

Having been a part of the show for such a long time, what was it like when the final season wrapped and how do you feel now that the filming of the show is complete?

It’s strange. There’s a really good feeling in moving on. I feel like we made great television and there’s really kind of a proud feeling in putting a hat on it. And at the same time, I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but when I rapped my last scene, I thought, “Maury Levy’s gone. That’s it. There’s no more Maury Levy.” And I thought, “I’m going to miss that son of a bitch. God help me, I can’t believe it but I’m going to miss it.”

So there’s a little sense of loss, but I think much stronger than any sense of loss is the sense of real satisfaction and pride. You know, Maury was only supposed to be on two episodes and they just kept writing me in and I was so flattered by that. Just to be in the company of those actors and for David Simon to want the character to continue is really an honor.

Overall, the feeling is just a really good feeling and I’m excited to move on. In fact, I wanted my next job to be as different as possible from The Wire and I just shot a pilot for Disney just before Thanksgiving. Not only is it a comedy, but it’s a kid’s comedy and I’m the only grownup on it and I play a total wimp. So it’s really nice to have the other end of the spectrum for a change.

What do you do to unwind? What kind of hobbies do you have?

I’m addicted to online Scrabble. I waste way too much time. And I’ll now say what I shouldn’t, I watch horrible reality TV shows. I’m a big American Idol junkie and Top Chef, Project Runway, all that crap that we’re not supposed to watch because it puts actors out of work.

What would you be doing for a living if you never got into acting?

Wow, that’s a great question. It’s a hard question. I’ve always loved theatrical set design, so I guess that would still be in the arts. I think I might have been a therapist. I’m really interested in what makes people tick. I think that drives me as an actor as well. I think I could have very happily become a therapist.

Tell us something most people don’t know about you.

Most people don’t know that not only was I raised on R&B music, but I actually sing that stuff. There are a handful of people who will sometimes call on me to do backup and I’m always the only white guy. I can dance a little too, but I think the main thing that surprises people is that I riff.

Interviewed by Joel Murphy, February 2008. The fifth and final season of The Wire airs Sunday nights on HBO.

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Joel Murphy

February 14th, Valentine’s Day. I imagine that right now across this great country of ours, love is in the air. Love might be in the air here in the New England area, but it’s impossible to tell with all of the snow that has been falling outside. After all, nothing says romance like runny noses and bulky winter coats.

Two years ago, in a special Valentine’s Day edition of my popular Things that piss me off column, I wrote: “If you ask me, this holiday is nothing more than some lame excuse by the capitalist charlatans at Hallmark and Hershey’s Chocolate to line their corpulent pockets with even more cash by targeting the naive and ignorant! In other words – I’m single.”

Well, here we are two years later and while I am now engaged to a wonderful girl, my feelings on Valentine’s Day haven’t really changed much. Yes, I love my fiancée, but I don’t really think society needs to set aside a specific day for me to prove that love to her by giving her material possessions. She knows that I love her; I make it a point to tell her every day. I don’t need the clever wordsmiths at Hallmark to act as my wingman; I can tell her how I feel in my own words.

Luckily, the special lady in my life isn’t big on frivolous gifts. She’s not a huge chocolate or candy fan and she doesn’t like getting flowers because they shrivel and die. Her idea of the perfect gift is a Swiffer duster and a pack of cleaning wipes. She’s definitely not looking for me to go overboard today with a grand romantic gesture and for that, I am eternally gratefully. Perhaps that’s why we get along so well.

However, many of you guys out there aren’t so lucky. The ladies in your life are expecting John Cusack-caliber Valentine’s Day plans. They want you standing outside their window holding up a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” or rushing to the airport to stop them from getting on the plane before they leave your life forever. If you were both on a luxury cruise ship that hit an iceberg, they would expect you to float in the icy cold water while they hogged all of the space on a makeshift raft.

That’s because women have seen too many romantic movies. (Luckily, my fiancée doesn’t really like chick flicks – seriously, she’s the greatest woman ever.) Journalists always talk about how young males in this country become desensitized to violence because of what they see in movies and on television. But no one ever talks about the effect all of these romantic movies are having on young girls.

Or the effect that sitting through romantic comedies has on guys, for that matter. Media types always try to twist it and say that if I sit through Rambo or No Country For Old Men that I am more likely to want to commit random acts of violence when I leave the theater. But, I disagree. I am much more likely to want to bludgeon someone with a tire iron after sitting through two hours of Katherine Heigl wearing a variety of bridesmaid dresses than I am after watching two hours of John Rambo disemboweling bad guys.

At least testosterone-fueled guy movies tack on a frivolous love story to appease romantic comedy-loving women. Why can’t chick flicks reciprocate? Sure, occasionally you get a movie like Jerry Maguire that tosses guys a bone by throwing in a few football scenes, but most of these romantic movies are just overflowing with estrogen. Would it really be so tough to add in a scene into 27 Dresses where Katherine Heigl goes to a UFC match to look for single men or a scene in Fool’s Gold where a group of bloodthirsty pirates tries to stop Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson from getting the gold, so a shirtless McConaughey is forced to mow them all down with a semiautomatic machine gun?

But, I digress …

Aside from the yawn-inducing effect these movies have on most guys, the real problem is the affect these chick flicks have on women. Their ridiculous plotlines and cartoonish view of love create unrealistic expectations.

Women spend their whole lives looking for a Lloyd Dobbler or a Harry Burns. They think that they are supposed to meet a guy in a quirky, cute fashion, which will be followed by a brief, but wonderful courtship that will tragically end due after a series of miscommunications. It will look like the two of them will be unable to resolve their differences, but at the last minute, the guy will come up with an elaborate, over the top way to show his love and they will reconcile and kiss as the music starts up and everything fades to black.

The problem is – real life doesn’t work like that. In the real world, there is no fading to black. You never just roll the credits and live happily ever after. In reality, relationships are difficult and problems that arise aren’t usually solved in under two hours.

There are times when the person you love drives you absolutely crazy. But, you endure, because there are other times when everything is going right and you realize how lucky you are to have found someone who truly gets you. It’s not about candlelit dinners or soft-focus walks on the beach, love is about finding someone who you can badmouth your coworkers to while sitting on the couch in a pair of pajama pants.

So keep watching the romantic movies if you want, ladies. But just know that the portrayals of love are about as realistic as Die Hard‘s portrayal of police work.

And to the guys who will be sitting through a romantic comedy tonight, my heart goes out to you. I’ll think of you all when I’m surprising the woman I love with some Swiffer dusters and a package of cleaning wipes. Afterwards, I’m going to take her to the movies – to see Rambo.

Random Thought of the Week:
Once John McCain officially secures the Republican nomination, there is talk that he might try to convince Mike Huckabee to be his vice president in order to appease the conservative base. I think McCain should cut out the middle man and get Chuck Norris to be his running mate.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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