Joel Murphy

I feel strong about right and wrong

and I don’t take trouble for very long

I’ve got something deep inside of me

courage is the thing that keeps us free.

I am a real American,

Fight for the rights of every man

I am a real American

Fight for what’s right

Fight for your life.

- Real American by Rick Derringer

As a young child, I had two idols – Batman and Hulk Hogan. Both men wore colorful tights and defeated their foes with a combination of theatrics and physical skill. Both men seemed superhuman, even though they didn’t possess any super powers, and they always triumphed over evil, even when the odds against them were overwhelming and things looked bleak.

Obviously, the biggest difference between Hulk Hogan and Batman is that, while Hulk Hogan seemed cartoonish and larger than life on television, he was ultimately just a man – a man named Terry Bollea. So while Batman’s alterego Bruce Wayne only exists in the realm of fantasy, Hulk Hogan’s counterpart Terry Bollea is a real person. And, unlike Bruce Wayne, who always has a team of writers making sure that everything he does is noble and just, Terry Bollea is free to live his life however he sees fit – and these days, his lifestyle choices are not befitting of a man who was adored by every child of the 80s.

For most of my life, I knew very little about Terry Bollea’s private life. As a child, I just assumed that Hulk Hogan’s life outside of the ring consisted of him getting into wacky adventures like the ones depicted on his Saturday morning cartoon Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling. It wasn’t until his VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best that I learned about Terry Bollea’s personal life. Unfortunately, learning about the real man behind the larger than life character has only served to soil the reputation of my boyhood idol.

The reality show raised the profile of Hulk Hogan’s family – his wife Linda and their two children, Nick and Brooke (it’s been said that the entire goal of the show was to launch Brooke Hogan’s singing career). As a result, the entire Hogan (or Bollea) family has become tabloid fodder and Terry Bollea’s personal life has suddenly become more noteworthy than his Hulk Hogan persona (which these days can only be seen doing pointless, boring interviews on the revamped American Gladiators).

If Hulk Hogan lived up to the image I had of him as a child, his offscreen life would consist of saying his prayers, eating his vitamins and doing selfless acts of charity. Unfortunately, the two biggest stories to come out in the past year about Terry Bollea’s personal life involve infidelity and a near-fatal car accident.

Last August, Nick Hogan crashed his car while allegedly drag racing another teenager. The passenger in Nick’s car, John Graziano, suffered serious head trauma and now lives in a veteran’s hospital. Nick’s blood-alcohol level was reportedly elevated (he’s 17-years-old) and rumors that Hogan had supplied him with beer the night of the accident began to surface. Whether or not these allegations or true, it was disappointing to hear Hulk Hogan’s name tied to such a tragic event.

In November, Linda filed for divorce from the Hulkster. The two had been married for 24 years. It’s recently come to light that Terry Bollea was having an affair with 33-year-old Chritiane Plante. Plante was a friend of his daughter, Brooke (the affair, of course, crushed Brooke). It’s now being reported that Hogan wants to have a child with Plante, a son who will follow in his wrestling footsteps, since Nick has expressed no interest in stepping into a wrestling ring.

While I am long past my hero worship of Hulk Hogan (by my teenage years, Mick Foley replaced Hogan as my idol; Batman still kept his spot), it’s still disappointing to have this part of my childhood ruined. I looked up to the man – he showed the world that a guy in yellow tights and a bandana could overcome any obstacle with a flurry of punches, a big boot and a leg drop. A balding man with a ridiculous bleach blonde mustache was the coolest guy on the planet. He was someone that every young male wanted to be.

It’s disheartening to realize that the noble Hulk Hogan was nothing more than a character invented by Vince McMahon. It’s sad to be faced with the cold, hard truth that our heroes so rarely live up to our expectations of them. Like the day you find out your parents aren’t invincible, it’s hard to learn that your heroes are just people and that ultimately, those we look up to will probably let us down.

Luckily, I still have one hero who, despite Joel Schumacher best efforts, still remains unblemished in my eyes. Thanks Batman. I can’t wait to see you this summer in The Dark Knight.

Random Thought of the Week:

A 35-year-old woman in Kansas sat on a toilet for two years. Doctors had to surgically remove the toilet seat from her body because her skin had grown around it. Her boyfriend told reporters, “I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it.” Seriously? You kind of get used to it? I’m … I’m speechless.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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• Hobo Radio 192 – Little people, CGI nipples and National Public Radio
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• Murphy’s Law – CNN is fake
• Note to Self – More than a contender

• Introduction
• Discussion about The Wire
• Closing thoughts
• “Tick Tock” by Lance Reddick

Week 44 Spotlight: Saying goodbye to The Wire.

Brian and Joel Murphy are back with an all-new episode, which pays tribute to the best show on television, The Wire, which aired its final episode this past Sunday. After taking the time to explain what made the show so unique and so enjoyable, the Murphy brothers talk in-depth about the finale and the legacy of the show.

This week’s podcast might not be for everyone, but for fans of the critically-acclaimed HBO show, it is the proper sendoff that this groundbreaking drama deserves. Every facet of the finale is covered in this special hour long podcast.

What were Brian and Joel’s favorite moments from the final episode? What would they have changed? What’s next for David Simon and the cast? Is there any reason to keep your HBO subscription? The answers to these questions and more lie within this week’s show.

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• One on One with Michael Kostroff
• One one One with Chad Coleman
• One on One with Gbenga Akinnagbe

Hobo Radio - Saying goodbye to The Wire [ 1:13:30 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Courtney Enlow

“If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won’t walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can’t walk him, one of the others will help you, and you’ll both be nice. I want you to remember that it’s a job. It’s nothing personal.”

- Patrick Swayze as “Dalton” in Road House

I love Patrick Swayze. And I say this without the slightest hint of irony or exaggeration. I love this man with all my heart. And when the news broke last week that he’d been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I was deeply saddened. Like when you see your dad cry for the first time, finding out that The Swayz is not some kind of superhero was difficult.

He’s an easy target because of some of his films, so say what you will, but he’s one of the only actors of the last thirty years who made the tough-yet-sensitive role feel genuine. In all his movies, his toughness has never felt like a character, and his sweetness and gentle manner has never felt affected. It was just him being him. And that is what makes this news so painful to so many.

(He was also the first naked man-ass I ever saw in a movie. Thanks Road House.)

Your Loyal Writer took this chance to revisit her favorite Swayze films, drink a glass or two of wine (subsequent edit: a bottle and a half), and think of all she’s learned from this great man.

10. “Pain don’t hurt.”

Thus spake the zen of Swayze. Even while defending the Double Deuce from corrupt villains, drunken rapey idiots and fat guys who will later be near-crushed by stuffed polar bears, Dalton always had time to drop pearls of philosophical genius. The Tao of The Swayz is strong. Seriously, when you think about it, what if pain didn’t hurt? Go with me on this. This statement is about mind over matter. Maybe he is just trying to impress his blandly hot doctor, but that statement really means something. It’s deep. And hardcore. Swayze’s so core.

9. Not to get indelicate, but The Swayz knows how to love a woman.

Have you ever seen an actor get so intense in a love scene? His eyes are pressed shut as hard as they can be every time. Kelly Lynch, Jennifer Grey, Demi, these are three lucky bitches right here. He teases a bit with his lips at first, then goes in for the kill. He’s every Harlequin novel my mom used to hide embodied. And then there’s his firm muscular body. He actually makes me want to use the term “supple” and believe me, I rarely ever want to use the term “supple.” With each scene of intense Motown-soundtracked lovemaking, a new generation of girls became women, all of whom desired to be gently thrown into the fits of ecstasy of which Patrick Swayze seemed so effortlessly capable. * drifts off, staring into space for a moment, shiver * Anyway. Sorry. Whew. *fans self*

8. “This was never about the money, this was about us against the system. That system that kills the human spirit. We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human spirit is still alive.”

Fuck the man. That’s what Bodhi is trying to tell us here. Life’s an adventure, who cares if you’re being tailed by the FBI? Life’s too short and sweet to spend it falling in line. And while we shouldn’t necessarily spend it jumping out of planes or surfing 60 foot waves or, ya know, robbing banks, Bodhi was right. We shouldn’t just follow the rules for the sake of following the rules. Go your own way, before it’s too late. Because, as he also taught us, “life’s got a sick sense of humor.” And it can take us at any time. Which reminds me …

7. Let them know you love them.

I’ll let the man explain this one himself – a quote from Patrick Swayze as interviewed the Ghost DVD special features: “Ghost brought up a bunch of things for me, just in terms of confronting issues about death, and ‘is there an afterlife.’ It just made me re-look at my relationship, and make me re-fall in love with my wife, you know, before it’s too late. ‘Cause so many times we just don’t realize how deep our love goes until it’s too late.” While this message is most prevalent in Ghost, it’s really present in many of Swayze’s films. Anything can happen at any time. So do what you love for yourself, but more importantly, for those who you love even more than yourself.

6. God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ‘eeeeeemmmmmmmmm!

Okay, not Swayze, but a Swayze movie and still very important. Words to live by. P.S., speaking of Penny in Dirty Dancing, that might be the film that made me pro-choice. I mean the whole abortion subplot totally went over my head when I was younger (I have no idea what nine-year-old me thought was wrong with her, but I vaguely remember thinking she was miscarrying for the entire first half of the movie. I wasn’t quite sure just yet how that all worked.), but subconsciously I think that movie made me the bleeding heart I am today, totally shaping who I am as an adult.

5. You can be a macho ass-kicker AND a classically trained dancer.

Seriously, try to show me anything more masculine than Swayze, even in Dirty Dancing. Especially in Dirty Dancing. Textbook machismo. He runs into the staff quarters after ballroom dancing in front of elderly rich people to the applause of his peers, swigs a beer, then keeps on dancing, singlehandedly igniting the libido of at least one immaturely nicknamed pre-collegiate, and most probably that of Your Writer as well. Here’s the thing. Anyone who knows me knows I have this weird pseudo-phobia about guys who can dance well. It’s weird I know. To me, a guy who dances well is usually creepy (no offence, Baryshnikov). But not Swayze. He is genuinely the most masculine dancer I’ve ever seen, and it’s sexy. And if you know me, you know I also have a pseudo-phobia about the word “sexy.” But it’s the only word to describe him in that movie and it’s the only time you’ll ever even see me consider saying it. That’s saying something. P.S., for some reason, I never noticed until this present viewing that during the famous finale dance scene, just before the music picks up, he kisses her on the nose. That’s fucking precious.

4. “If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It’s not tragic to die doing what you love.”

I’m not talking death by surfing here really. This is about sacrificing to get what you want. If you really want it, you will do whatever it takes to get it, otherwise you don’t deserve it. What else do I need to say?

3. “You just put your pickle on everyone’s plate, College Boy, and leave the hard stuff to me.”

Street smarts win over Yale medical school and generic good looks every time. Peace Corps-bound Baby knew it. And so did the rest of us. And lest we forget, it was the lesser educated Johnny Castle who respected women so much that he was often used by them, and the hyper-educated rich asshole douchebags (before we even had the term) Robbie Gould and Neil Kellerman who treated women like shit. Johnny won in the end, and every girl watching knew what kind of man she wanted.

2. Anything for love, and love will concur all.

Not entirely unlike number four, but even more necessary. Death, socio-economic backgrounds, having to use Whoopi Goldberg as a host body in order to touch your lady, Det. Lenny Briscoe as a disapproving father, anything. If you love someone and they love you, you will overcome it. And if shit goes sour, never be sorry. Stand up for love. If you fight for nothing else, fight for this.

1. “Be nice … be nice until it’s time to not be nice.”

And thus brings us back to the start of this column. I’m almost shocked at how much I’ve learned from Road House (not the least of which being just how much Sam Elliot looks like Michael McDonald). Dalton was the nicest man ever to rip out another man’s throat before our very eyes. To “be nice” was his mantra, his Number One rule, and mine too. This rule is why to this day, I’m nice to everyone. I’m nice to every racist homophobe asshat former fratboy I meet, I’m nice to every slut who flirts with my boyfriend, I’m nice to everyone (Note: One only need be nice to another person’s face. Behind the back doesn’t count. True story.)

Swayze knew he had the ability in his hands to kill another human being (and did so. A couple of times.) But more often than not, he chose kindness. This is the truth of all humanity. Let’s face it. We could all, any one of us, really hurt another person if we wanted to. Rage, hate, anger, this lives inside all of us. But the want and the need to be nice trumps all of this. I’m just saying if we all thought a little more like Dalton, this world would be a happier place. Just like the Deuce when it got its nifty cursive neon sign.

I’ve preached many messages in this column. And you may take your pick of the one or 10 with which you shape your life. But my number one message, the one that wins all, is this: Fuck cancer. Fuck it hard. For all of us who have lost someone, who have watched someone we love go through it, who fear it every day, fuck cancer. In Road House, Dalton said no one ever wins a fight. But I call bullshit. Kick cancer’s ass, Swayze. Win this fight. Wolverines.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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Chris Kirkman

“The Other Woman” Recap and Analysis …

Alright, settle down.

You all knew it was coming as soon as you saw the episode was all about her …

So there’s no recap this week. Do you really need one? Seriously? Okay, fine, then.

In the past, Juliet had an affair with Goodwin – he’s the one Ana Lucia rolled down a hill and stabbed – who turns out to be the husband of her therapist, Harper. It’s not surprising why Goodwin and Juliet began to bump uglies since she’s the hottest woman on the island. Ben, who may be a mental giant but is still a 12-year-old emotionally, doesn’t like Goodwin putting the moves on his pretend girlfriend, and sends him off to die at the hands of the Tailies. Juliet is sad, and bakes dinner rolls.

Meanwhile, back in regular time, which is actually the past, but not as much of the past as Juliet’s flashback – get all that? – Jack’s hunting down Dan and Charlotte (who are, in turn, trying to shut down the chemical sprayers at The Tempest which could kill everyone on the island) while falling in love, Kate’s being a retarded tramp with another head wound, Sawyer and Hurley are playing horseshoes and Ben is playing Locke like a fiddle, as usual, by showing him a tape that proves that Charles Widmore likes riding in the back of shiny, black cars. This, of course, makes him a bad guy, so Locke lets Ben go free. Or something like that.

Oh, and Sun and Jin are in the episode for, oh, about three seconds.

There, satisfied? I can be succinct if I want to. It’s just rare that I want to.

Okay, so that’s all out of the way, let’s chit chat about some minor points, shall we?

Ben and Locke are the bestest of friends
After Ben and Locke’s little conversation this episode, I’ve drawn two conclusions: 1) Charles Widmore is definitely up to something (as I’ve always suspected), and 2) Locke may be the sixth member of the Oceanic Six. Now, going back to Widmore for a minute, it’s always been obvious since Desmond’s backstory that Charles Widmore was going to be revealed as one of the big bads. You could see it coming a mile away … which is why I’m now suspicious the powers-that-be revealed it to us so nonchalantly and cleanly, a mere episode after we see Widmore buying the Hanso diary. They never do that! Perhaps Widmore is just a red herring. We’ll have to wait and see how all this pans out. I do tend to believe that the Freighties are working for Widmore, however, so I’ll just come right out and commit to that.

As for our Oceanic Sixth, the least obvious choice at the beginning of the season was Locke. I mean, the man is fighting tooth and nail for that island and you’d expect him to stay on it in order to discover what he’s supposed to do and to protect it. Now that we’re a few episodes in, I think John’s best hope for protecting that island and finding his way is to leave it. If Sayid is working with Ben to take down the Big Cheese, then why not Locke? Who would be more of a soldier for Ben and the island than Locke? There, I’ve said it. It’s out there. Let’s see if I’m right tonight.

He’s got … to get … his son … back!
The general consensus amongst everyone I’ve talked to is that Ben’s mole on the boat is Michael. That’s pretty much been my feeling for most of the season so far, as well. We all knew he’d be coming back, eventually, and it just makes sense that he’d be the man on the boat. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but Harold Perrineau IS coming back to the show. It’s right there for everyone to see on IMDB. Seriously, go look. I know, I know, I hate when things are spoiled for me, but when they put it on the front frickin’ page, what are you gonna do?

Now, just because Michael’s going to be in an episode doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s Michael who’s the mole, right? Heck, it could be Walt for all we know. That’d be a fun little twist. Maybe they’d explain how he’d gotten so big by using time dilation. All I know is that if it’s not Michael or Walt, it had better be one helluva big surprise. Like Boone. Or maybe Shannon. Hey, I’m just saying.

What’s this big red button do?
So Dan’s not only a physicist and quantum theorist, he also appears to be a techno-chemist, as well. Impressive. Most impressive. And also highly improbable. As my girlfriend pointed out after he pretty much hacked a computer and then found a way to neutralize a chemical despite studying very meticulously in the fine science artistry of physics – “That’d be like me trying to sift through primary and secondary mesenchyme cells with a telescope.” I have no idea what she’s talking about half the time, but she’s a developmental biologist, so I’m just taking her word that that’d be really, really hard to do. At any rate, the important part to remember about Dan monkeying around with chemicals is that it doesn’t just save everyone on the island like Miss Charlotte says, it also disables Ben’s biggest line of defense in keeping people off the island. Now the Freighties and Widmore’s other cronies can come and go from the island as they damn well please.

And speaking of Dan, there’s been mucho discussionay about Dan’s little note to himself in his journal last week. Most are scratching their heads and wondering why he never remembered meeting Desmond in 1996, and why he’s so shocked to find a note to himself in his journal about Desmond. Well … here comes the science.

The first explanation, and the most boring, is that Desmond was right in asking Dan where his head protection was whenever he fired up the wayback machine and now Dan’s brain is all full of holes from the radiation. And that’s probably the real explanation.

Yawn.

Another, far more fun explanation has to do with what line of timeline thought and theory the writers adhere to. There are two “arrows” of time to look at in regards to the situation with Dan – divergent timeline theory and static timeline theory. Let’s go to the whiteboard! Yay!

Divergent timeline theory is the cleanest and safest of the theories surrounding time travel and the effects of monkeying around in the past. In Figure 1, you’ve hopped in the DeLorean and gone back to 1955, where you run over one of old man Peabody’s pine trees. At that exact moment, an alternate divergent timeline skewed off from the one in which you first hopped in the DeLorean, so when you head back to the future, there’s only one pine tree (Fig. 2). The other timeline with twin pines still exists, but in an alternate timeline in which you never traveled back in time and killed one of the pines and therefore it is inaccessible to you.

Static timeline theory can get a little hairy. You hope in the DeLorean, as usual, and go back to 1955 and run over one of old man Peabody’s trees, as in Fig. 1. At that exact moment, the entire timeline from that point on is completely destroyed and rewritten based on what occurred in the past. There were NO twin pines in your future, and therefore you would only remember a single, lone pine in 1985. This is a predestination paradox, which basically states that whatever has happened in the past was meant to happen and our current timeline reflects that, immutably. Now, the sticky part comes in on Fig. 3. Let’s say you decide to go BACK to 1955 again and you aren’t paying attention to what you’re doing and run over Doc Brown as he’s crossing the street. At that exact moment, the entire timeline would change, completely eradicating any evidence that you, the DeLorean or Doc Brown ever existed. Oh, and you never ran over a pine tree, either, so now there are twin pines again. That’s heavy, I know. That’s the sticky part of static timeline theory.

Unfortunately, static timeline theory is what makes the most sense in relation to Dan and his memory holes. Basically, at the exact moment that Dan got on the satphone and told Desmond to go see his 1996 self, the entire timeline of the Lost universe was rewritten. The Dan up to that point that had interacted with Desmond was no longer the same Dan. Slowly, Dan began to remember things that happened in the past, like the note to himself in his journal. The “rewrite” of the current timeline may come in waves, or slowly over time. It might not occur at all if the island acts as a temporal hub where spacetime behaves differently from the outside world.

So, yeah, I think that’s what’s happening to Dan. What he told Desmond on the satphone lead straight to a predestination paradox. Desmond was supposed to tell Dan what the wayback machine’s settings were supposed to be so that he could get it working. And since he got it working, Dan has more than likely jumped from the past in to the future, probably more than once, perhaps changing even more timelines along the way. This might also account for Dan’s “swiss cheesing”… he’s jumped so many times and inadvertently changed so much in subtle ways that his mind has been affected since his consciousness would theoretically exist slightly outside the timeline rewrite.

Eh, maybe I’m wrong. But it did give me an excuse to pull out the DeLorean graphics, so it’s all good.

Can you hear me now?
My last thought is a short and simple one, really. The Dharma bungalows are rigged for surveillance, and that’s how the Others are keeping tabs on Ben while he’s being held by Locke. It’s how Harper knew that Ben wanted Juliet to stop Dan and Charlotte, and it’s also why Ben has been able to concoct such an intricate plan. It would also explain why the Others truly haven’t stormed Locke’s camp yet – not because they don’t want Ben anymore, but because Ben doesn’t want to be rescued. He’s right where he wants to be.

And that about wraps it up for this week. In a few hours we’ll know if I’m right about the Oceanic Sixth, and apparently we’ll get to know more about Sun and Jin, or at least that’s what it looks like. Yippee. I’ve got this sinking feeling that we’re about to hit a couple of filler episodes. It’s about that time. Hopefully I’m wrong. In the meantime, though, keep thinking those deep thoughts and let me know what you’re thinking.

Namaste.

Chris Kirkman is a graphic designer/photographer/journalist/geek extraordinaire with way too many Bruce Campbell movies in his library. He is still hoping that Lost will end when Bob Newhart wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette, complaining of a strange, strange dream. You can contact him at ckirkman@hobotrashcan.com.

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(Click to enlarge.)

Jeremiah was raised in the deepest part of the darkest jungle. That’s why he smells like adventure. He currently lives in Elkins, WV with his wife, Becky, and son, Isaiah, who is epic and destined to rule the world one day. You can contact him at jeremiahwentz@hobotrashcan.com.