Murphy’s Law – You hate me, you really hate me

Joel Murphy

Back in January, I wrote An Open Letter to Erin Esurance, poking fun at the series of Esurance commercials that featured a pink-haired cartoon spy simultaneously fighting crime and extolling the virtues of affordable, hassle-free auto insurance. Not long after the column ran on the site, Esurance stopped depicting Erin Esurance as a spy and instead starting airing spots with her interacting with actual people, a la Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I assumed this meant Esurance execs read my column and decided to rethink their ad campaign, proving once again that my words have the power to change the world.

From there, I sort of forgot about the Erin Esurance letter. Lost started getting good again, a new Dark Knight trailer found its way online and GTA IV finally got released, so my open letter was one of the last things on my mind. However, that changed this past Tuesday, when the column got linked on Fark.com and suddenly tens of thousands of Fark readers found their way to HoboTrashcan. While the extra site traffic was definitely appreciated, the most interesting part of the whole thing was a thread of comments left by the Fark members.

The comments were quite a mixed bag. Some of them were helpful, many were overflowing with hate and quite a few were downright creepy. But overall, they were incredibly entertaining to read. So, since Fark’s commenters have shown me what an unfunny, talentless hack I truly am, I figured the best course of action would be to devote this week’s column to the comments they left me.

First, I’d like to thank Miracle Whip, The Slush and phaseolus for finding a few typos in my column. I should hire you guys as copy editors since you are obviously doing a better job finding mistakes than my staff. I appreciate the help.

I’d also like to thank The QMan and give me doughnuts for bringing something disturbing to my attention – namely, that the cartoon version of me looks like an “unfunny,” “slightly more retarded” Adam Sandler. If only one person thought that, I could deal with it, but the fact that both of you think that “cartoon me” looks like Adam Sandler means that I need to get in touch with Joe Dunn and have him come up with a better representation of me – perhaps I can get him to draw a retarded, unfunny Brad Pitt.

With that out of the way, let’s move on to the haters, the people who posted comments overflowing with revulsion and disgust. These are people that were so upset and disappointed in my column that instead of simply closing it out and pointing their browser elsewhere, they feverishly typed comments expressing their disapproval so that the world would know just how much they disapproved of my shenanigans. Here’s a sample of what the haters had to say:

Noexit

I wish that had been funny.

kemosabe

That all was worthless. Just wasted a minute of my time.

drunkenmidnight

I don’t find the humor in this, where did it go?

howski

I’m sure he has friends that tell him how funny he is.

dahmers love zombie

Article: teh fail in almost every way, from humor value to writing to editing.

“teh fail in almost every way.” That’s a stinging jab right there. Thank God I have friends who will reassure me that I’m still funny. Otherwise, I might never be able to look myself in the mirror again, now that I know comedy experts like kemosabe and dahmers love zombie hate my writing.

I will give the above haters credit though. Their comments are quick and to the point and unmistakably convey their opinion of my work. It’s really hard to argue with them. However, there is a group of commenters that I do take umbrage with, who I like to refer to as “the pot-kettle commenters.” Here’s a sample of their responses:

ScottMpls

If his mother sees this, she’s going to kick him out of her basement.

SgtArkie

note, to Joel Murphy, get a life

Unfair Issac

Dear Mr. Murphy,

I am pretty sure by the amount of time you spent on that, that you don’t have many friends. Perhaps it would more productive for you to use that time to instate a hygiene regimen that includes bathing more than once a fortnight.

Sincerely,

Unfair Issac.

Now, here is a group of guys who clearly didn’t like what they read and felt the need to lash out. They did so by implying that I don’t have friends, I live with my mom and I have poor hygiene. The irony is that this is coming from a bunch of guys posting on an Internet message board. They spend their days surfing links that other people posted and mocking columns that other people wrote, which I’m guessing doesn’t exactly make them the life of the party. (It doesn’t help that every time I read their comments, I begin picturing Comicbook Guy from The Simpsons in my head.) Seriously, I can stomach a lot, but a guy who uses terms like “fortnight” and “hygiene regimen” questioning the amount of friends I have is ridiculous.

Of course, I’ll still take the pot-kettle commenters over the creepy guys any day. While I expect people to tear apart the column, one thing I didn’t expect was a bunch of creepy guys who were disappointed because they clicked on the link hoping for Erin Esurance porn. Here are a few of those guys:

retro128

Was this guy trying to be funny? I don’t see even one fapping reference.

jagarr

weould’ve been much funnier if the article was about how hot she is.

durkzilla

Was hoping it was at least a love/lust letter….

TheGreyPiper

Yeah. ‘Letter’ was stupid. Erin is hot.

Dhusk

My Open Letter To Erin Esurance:

Wear more tight short-shorts like you did in that basketball commercial.

That is all.

At this point, I feel the need to remind all of you that Erin Esurance is a cartoon character. She is not real. Yet here are a bunch of guys expressing sadness that I didn’t focus on what a hot piece of ass she is. The thread is actually filled with lots more Erin Esurance porn talk, along with talk of Jessica Rabbit’s hotness and countless links to cartoon porn. I just can’t understand why anyone would ever want to get off looking at naughty drawings of cartoon characters. It’s not like it’s tough to find real porn on the Internet.

Of course, not everyone was outright negative or creepy. Some people felt the need to leave backhanded compliments, like these guys:

siva

Sure its not like geckos and cavemen have much to do with insurance either, but at least their commercials talk about Geico’s insurance without having some crazy plot that involves fighting a giant monster/robot. Like this open letter writer guy, I too don’t understand Erin’s purpose. Unlike this guy, I don’t really care enough to write any more on the topic than this very post.

dj_bigbird

well, that was a interesting way to waste time while I rebooted my SQL server.

accujimmy

there were too many words, not enough of them were combined in order to illicit a smile upon my face. Humorous concept but poorly executed.

nikitas84

Amusing, but way too long.

The column was only 974 words, but apparently that was too long for nikitas84 and accujimmy. I’m guessing these guys aren’t big fans of books.

But it doesn’t end with backhanded compliments. Believe it or not, some people actually enjoyed the column and even defended me:

vishus

THIS IS SATIRE PEOPLE~!~~!!!!

I Do It Wrong

Everyone step back and take a good look at your posts. You are all degrading this guy for being lame, some of you even complain about how it was a satirical piece of nonsense and he should have talked about how hot she is.

Friendly reminder to all Farkers:

At times it may seem you may never meet a guy/girl to Fark your brains out, butI promise you will. However at no time in any part of the future will a cartoon be able to pleasure you like the touch of a human. Cartoon drawings should have no sexual appeal and if they do, then might I suggest you watch 40yr old virgin and get some tips on how to avoid the sad and troubling life you are about to lead.

/feels terrible for making all the 40yr old virgins here uncomfortable…..NOT!

It’s hard to tell much from these two short comments, but I get the sense that vishus and I Do It Wrong are attractive, intelligent people; captains of industry that succeed at everything they attempt. They are gods among men, unlike the people who wrote spiteful things, who I imagine are lonely, bitter losers who will most likely die chaste and alone in a pool of their own vomit.

But I don’t want you to think that I am petty. In fact, even though most of the morons who posted hate-filled comments probably wouldn’t know good comedy if it bit them on their bulbous, unwashed asses, I will admit that one of the negative commenters actually made me laugh with his over-the-top sarcastic dig:

nytyper

ZING!!!

Take THAT Erin Esurance!

Man, this guy doesn’t care whose toes he steps on!

Seriously, that’s brilliant. It sounds like something I would write (you know … if I was actually funny).

Anyway, I should probably wrap this up. The column is already over 1,500 words long, which is apparently way beyond the average Fark commenter’s attention span. So let me just say thank you to all Fark readers who stopped surfing cartoon porn long enough to read this column. Hopefully you will all take a look around the rest of the site and perhaps even shower some hate on to some of the other columnists here. They are equally deserving of your scorn, I assure you.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get a new cartoon version of me drawn before The Love Guru hits theaters.

Random Thought of the Week:

The writers of Two and a Half Men and CSI collaborated on scripts for both shows which will air this week. I’m guessing this means the Two and a Half Men writers finally gave in and decided to give us the “Charlie Sheen accidentally kills a hooker” episode we have all been waiting to see.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.


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