Not everyone gets to Hollywood the same way. After spending time in the Air Force and while still working with the New York City Police Department, David Zayas began his acting career when he signed up for acting classes after hours. His talent was quickly realized, and he soon began teaming with the likes of Philip Seymour Hoffman in plays. From there, television and movie roles came knocking on his door.

We recently sat down with Zayas to talk about being best friends with a serial killer, working with some of the biggest names in the business and what it’s like to get paid to kick the crap out of Matt Damon and Ed Norton.

Where are you originally from and where do you call home now?

I was born in Puerto Rico. I was raised in New York.

How exactly did you get into acting, and when did you decide this is what you wanted to do for a living?

I’ve always been interested in acting. When I was a kid, I was a big movie buff. I always wanted to be involved somehow in show business, mostly movies. This was in the Bronx, so we didn’t really go to the theatre that much. I’ve always been interested in it. It was always something that really sparked my interest.

Then life happened. I got married young, had two kids and I joined the Air Force. When I got out of the Air Force – after five years – I had a wife and child, so I joined the New York City police department. I was a cop and about halfway into that career, in about 1990, I got divorced. And I had to file for bankruptcy. It was kind of a low point. But it was a good time because I said, “Now I’m going to do what I want to do.”

And I started taking acting classes. I started doing a lot of theatre while I was a cop as well. One thing led to another, I started getting a lot of theatre work, a lot of plays. I joined this theatre company called LAByrinth with Philip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Calderon and John Ortiz, all them guys. I started doing a lot of plays with them and started working in the local shows in New York, Law and Order, NYPD Blue, New York Undercover. And then I got this show, The Beat, with Tom Fontana, I got a good part in it. Then that show got cancelled and he wrote this part for me on Oz, which I did for three years.

It was at that time that I basically said I’m going to leave the police department and concentrate on acting and I did that, retired early and just focused on the acting. So far, knock on wood, it’s worked out pretty good for me.

What was your job in the Air Force?

I was a security policeman. When I went in, it was ’80-85, so it was kind of a downtime, there wasn’t much happening. So it was mostly training exercises. It was a good experience for me. I was assigned in Holloman Air Force Base, New Mexico and Bentwaters, England. I was stationed in England for like three and a half years.

You got all of the good assignments.

Yeah, it was a pretty good gig for me. It was a good thing. Other people have a college experience, this was my experience.

Working as a police officer and acting on the side, how tough was it to break into the business? How many auditions did you go to before you landed a role?

You know, it’s funny; I really approached it in a different way. I approached it in a way that I did not have any expectations. I approached it in a way that in my mind I had a job, I was a police officer, and now I was doing something that I loved doing and I was just going to dive into it, work hard at it and just see where it takes me. I didn’t really have any expectations and I didn’t have any goals or anything. It was just, “Let me see what happens.”

And so, I went to school for like two or three years while I was doing showcases in New York. I started doing a lot of theatre then I started going to day play auditions and Law and Order and I started booking a good percentage of them. So I just started accumulating credits. Not really leveraging what it is that’s going to take me to the next level, I didn’t think about that. I just take it one day at a time and one job at a time. I don’t really have expectations in this business. I think that’s what’s kept me sane, you know?

If this was to stop tomorrow, I could get a good job in security somewhere. It doesn’t matter to me. To me, it’s something that I love doing, it’s something that I want to do for the rest of my life. If there’s a hiatus there somewhere because of this business or because of luck, then I’ll take that and do something else until I can get back on track. That’s how I look at it. That’s the only way to really look at it and stay sane.

You’ve played five different roles on Law and Order. How do you go into each of those different roles, and do fans notice that you are on the show playing a bunch of different guys?

Well, Law and Order has been around for like 18 years and an average New York actor has been on it a handful of times. So it just recycles itself. I’ve been in five Law and Orders in the past, I would say, 15 years. So it’s really a different character each time. People say, “Oh, I remember that guy,” but they know the same actors are coming on over and over again because they’ve done almost 400 shows. I just take every individual character differently.

You mentioned Oz, a show in which you played a character named Enrique Morales. What was it like working on that show?

Oz was a lot of fun because the writing was great. Nobody ever messed with the show, it was HBO and basically you can do whatever you want in it. So there was really no censorship when it came to Oz. So the storylines were what they were. The actors were great, some of the best New York actors appeared on there. It was a great, great family atmosphere. And even though what you saw on Sunday nights was kind of dark and violent, while we were shooting it, we were pretty tight. It was a lot of fun.

You were in a wonderful flick called Rounders. Talk to us a little bit about what it was like working on that movie with so many talented actors. And be honest, how great was it to film the scene where all the cops kicked the crap out of Matt Damon and Ed Norton?

(Laughs.) Well, you know, I was only in that scene with the state troopers. It took about a week and a half to shoot because there were so many things that they needed to shoot. It was one of my first movies, so it was great watching these guys, Matt Damon and Ed Norton, working. It was a lot of fun to work with them and just to see how a movie is shot. It was literally one of the first movies I had a nice little part in. I’ve got to say, that director of that movie, John Dahl, is now shooting an episode of Dexter right now, which is so ironic. It was pretty cool. I love that movie. To me, it’s a great movie. I got into poker doing that movie.

Are you any good?

I’m pretty good. I’m not bad. I’d be dead money in the World Series of Poker, but I could hold my own in a lot of other places.

Let’s talk about 16 Blocks, where you played Det. Robert Torres. That movie probably doesn’t get the credit it deserves, so if you could, please tell us a little bit about what it was like to be a part of.

Let me just say, first of all, that my praise and my credit to Dick Donner, who directed it, because he really created an atmosphere of people just doing good work and having fun doing it. So it was great to work on it – Bruce Willis, David Morse, Mos Def, a lot of new actors that I met there because we shot it in New York and Toronto. It was a great experience.

But let me just tell you a little thing about that movie that’s really good – right before I did that movie, I auditioned for it, I got the movie; there was a lot of running in this movie, me chasing Bruce Willis and Mos Def throughout New York City, mostly on foot. So it was going to be one of those movies where it’s a lot of physical activity. And right before that movie, I was running and I tore a calf muscle. So immediately I said, “Well, I’m probably going to be replaced.” I called them up and I said, “Guys, I tore a calf muscle. I popped a calf muscle.”

They asked all of these questions like, “Well, how is it?” “I can’t run; I can barely walk right now.” We were supposed to start shooting in I think two or three weeks. And basically, instead of firing me, they said, “Well, if you can somehow get the physical therapy in, and in two or three weeks are able to walk, then we’ll switch your scenes around.” They put me in a car, they had other people run. To their credit, I was like, “Wow, that’s really a cool thing that they did.” Because they could have easily replaced me. Instead, they worked it around it and I really have a lot of respect for both Bruce Willis and Richard Donner and all of those guys too to have faith in me and coordinate it around my injury and I was able to do this great movie, which was a lot of fun to do and I was very happy to do it. So whenever you see them talk about these Hollywood directors, they are good people and they do the right thing most of the time and they did the right thing by me here. It turned out to be a really great experience for me.

What kind of a guy is Mos Def? You see him in interviews and he seems to go to a different beat. What’s he like?

He is so funny. He’s very talented. He’s a sweet guy and I liked working with him. And I know him from New York, from the public theatre, and I’ve hung out with him a few times before the movies. He’s just a good guy. Very talented, very artistic, poetic guy. He’s got a lot of deep thoughts in his songs and his raps and everything.

Another enjoyable movie on your resume is the award-winning hit, Michael Clayton, where you played Detective Dalberto. What was it like working with one of the biggest names in Hollywood, in George Clooney, and what do you try to take away from an experience like that?

I learned a lot in that movie. First of all, I auditioned for that movie and I don’t think I got it, I think someone else got it. And I think the person that got it wound up getting another project that they took instead of this. So then I think the week before, if I’m not mistaken, or a few days before they were actually going to shoot the scene, they called me back and asked me if I would do it and I said, “Of course.” And the scenes that I did with Clooney, he’s a great professional and wonderful to work with and a really down to earth guy. I really learned a lot about his simplicity and how he focuses and it was really great to work with him.

But, you know, I just want to mention about Michael Clayton – because he just passed away – was Sydney Pollack, who also gave me a break and cast me in The Interpreter, which he directed. And then he was also acting in Michael Clayton and I’ve got to say that it was an honor to even be involved, number one, with him as a director in The Interpreter and then just being in the same cast as him in Michael Clayton because he’s one of the icons and one of the guys that really helped me out with my career in movies. So my respect to Sydney Pollack, who was also in Michael Clayton. That was another great experience as well as working with Ken Howard and Tilda Swinton, they were all really great people to work with.

Speaking of your resume, it’s practically a TV Guide – with you appearing on such shows as Numb3rs, Without A Trace, Shark, The Closer and the previously mentioned Law and Order. Out of all of those, which experience sticks out as your favorite?

Well, except for Dexter, which I feel is the fullest character they’ve ever written for me, I’ve got to say there’s certain small parts like this great part in The Closer that I played kind of a nerdy ballistics guy, which is something different that I’ve never played before, which I always find interesting. He’s just a nerd ballistics fanatic and there were only two scenes in one episode of The Closer, but it was really enjoyable just playing against type and it was really great. I’ve got to say Dexter is definitely the character that they’ve rounded out to the fullest with all kinds of characteristics and all kinds of emotional background that I can really sink my teeth in. The writers of Dexter have done a fantastic job in giving me that opportunity.

Those roles aside, you’re probably best known as nice-guy detective Angel Batista on Showtime’s hit show Dexter. For those who don’t know anything about the show, please tell us what the show is about and a little bit about your character Angel.

Well, the show is based in Miami and is about a forensic detective named Dexter Morgan, who also happens to be a serial killer. He kills other criminals who the courts let go or that got away with whatever crime they did. Dexter finds them and kills them. Angel Batista is a homicide detective who works alongside Dexter, is one of his friends and has no idea what Dexter does. He’s a smart, honest cop. He’s not a tough guy. He’s got a lot of layers to him and a lot of interesting qualities to him that I really enjoy playing.

In season one, Angel ran into marital problems with his wife and in season two he tried to hook up with a psychopath named Lila. Is it safe to say that Angel Batista has a way of ending up in dysfunctional relationships?

(Laughs.) I’m almost scared to see what happens in season three. I have a way of ending up in dysfunctional circumstances. I mean, his best friend happens to be a serial killer and he doesn’t even know it. He’s an interesting character. He gets himself into these crazy situations and how he handles it is what makes the character so interesting. How he maintains his love for loyalty and honesty, and finding good and positive aspects in everything. It’s probably the best character I’ve ever played.

What is your favorite episode so far, and why do you like that one so much?

In season one, I had an episode where Sergeant Doakes shot somebody and I had a dilemma about whether to go to internal affairs or to protect Doakes. That episode gave me things to bite on, dealing with my conscience, doing the right thing and confronting people about telling the truth. “Father Knows Best,” that’s got to be one of my favorite episodes. In season two, there’s an episode where he’s involved with Lila, a crazy psycho-woman who makes his life miserable, and that’s an interesting episode too.

We know you can’t say much about season three, but what can you tell us?

The only thing I can tell you about season three, because honestly, I really don’t know much because they don’t give us the whole storyline beforehand, is that Jimmy Smits is on it now. He plays an assistant district attorney, and that’s going to bring on some very interesting plot twists. I’m looking forward to it because I’ve worked with Jimmy before on Broadway, and he’s one of the best professionals in the business. It’s going to be fun.

CBS was showing episodes of Dexter, which prompts us to ask – what exactly were they showing? Did you see any of the episodes while they were airing on network TV, and if so, how much of the good stuff was being edited out?

CBS aired the first season on Sundays because of the writer’s strike. They didn’t have much programming, so they just showed our first season. They edited it down and added commercials, but believe it or not, I honestly believe there’s more violence on 24 or CSI than there is on Dexter.

This is more of a psychological thriller, and it’s more about this journey of this man – you’re in his head and can hear why he’s going to kill these people. I really didn’t watch too much of it, but I don’t think there was too much edited out. The few episodes I did watch, you could still get the storyline and we picked up some new fans because of it. Hopefully these fans will subscribe to Showtime, get the second season On Demand, and watch the third season coming up. We’re still on Showtime, this was just a one-time thing.

You have a knack for playing law enforcement roles. Is that by design, or is that just how things work out?

I guess it’s a combination of me having the confidence of a law enforcement person because I have that background, so it comes naturally to me, and I have that look. I’m a big, stocky guy, and have a look that works when playing either cops or bad guys. Every once in a while, particularly in theater, I play something else. Because I have a blue-collar look to me, that’s what I usually end up doing. That’s not to say I can’t do something else, because I can. I just think a majority of the time those are the qualities that they see in me, which is fine. I really don’t care how many cops or bad guys I play. The only thing I care about is the quality of each character. I’ll play a hundred different cops if they have a hundred different and interesting qualities about them.

What kind of role that you haven’t played yet would you like to one day play?

I really don’t plan that far ahead. This winter I just played a bass player in a rock band with Billy Ray Cyrus for a movie out in San Diego. That’s something I’ve never done before. I’d never even touched a bass guitar before. But I learned how to play a little bit and that was a lot of fun. Whenever something new and interesting comes along, I just go for it. I don’t really have a list of things to do. I take it, read the script and if it’s something interesting to me, I’ll do it.

So you learned how to play poker on Rounders and how to play the bass with this movie. With this economy being so bad now, maybe you should learn how to become a Wall Street broker and make millions.

(Laughs.) Or maybe I should go on a medical show and learn how to be a doctor.

You’ve already worked with a ton of big names. Who else in Hollywood would you like to work with some day?

I’d love to one day work with someone like Morgan Freeman. He’s one of my favorite actors. Benicio del Toro, Holly Hunter and Glenn Close are a couple others. And the thing is, I’m doing it. I’m working with all these great people, so I’m getting that experience and I’m learning from each one of them. I’m just keeping things open because if I see an opportunity to work with an actor who I respect and love their work, then I’m going to jump on it.

What advice would you have for someone trying to break into the business today?

Humility, humility, humility. Being humble keeps you open to observe opportunities that you will then be smart enough to go for. I’d advise a young actor to stay humble and work hard, because in order to achieve longevity in this business, you have to work hard. It doesn’t always guarantee that you’ll be successful in this business, but it helps. If you come in with a great attitude, work hard and are prepared, then people are going to want to work with you. It’s good to come in with confidence, but don’t come in with an attitude. Learn from the people around you who have been doing it a lot longer than you.

Tell us something not many people know about you.

There are five things that I’m fanatical about – poker, UFC, boxing, football and baseball. Kimbo Slice is one of my favorites. He’s entertaining, and I think if he could focus, he could be a great fighter. In boxing, I love any time Rafael Marquez and Israel Vasquez fight. Any of their fights are better than anything else I’ve ever seen. And the Jets, the Mets and the Knicks are my favorite teams. I’m diehard about those three teams.

What does the future hold for you?

Hopefully I’ll just continue working on good shows like Dexter for as long as it goes, and then just continue working on TV, film, theatre and staying open to doing as much as I can. I love working. I don’t plan on retiring at all because it’s too much fun.

Interviewed by Brian Murphy, July 2008. Season three of Dexter will air this fall on Showtime.

Similar Posts:

• Review – Dexter: The Second Season (Blu-ray)
• One on One Mark Pellegrino
• One on One with David Ramsey
• Murphy’s Law – TV and the economy
• Murphy’s Law – TV is making me a bad person

Batman: Gotham Knight Release Date: July 8, 2008 Own it on DVD Directors: Yasuhiro Aoki, Futoshi Higashide, Toshiyuki Kubooka, Hiroshi Morioka, Shoujirou Nishimi, Jong-Sik Nam Producers: Toshi Hiruma, Mitsuhisa Ishikawa, Masao Maruyama, Eiko Tanaka, Bruce Timm Screenwriters: Brian Azzarello, Alan Burnett, Jordan Goldberg, David S. Goyer, Bob Kane, Josh Olson, Greg Rucka Stars: Kevin Conroy, Gary Dourdan, David McCallum, Jim Meskimen, Kevin Michael Richardson MPAA Rating: PG-13 HoboTrashcan’s Rating:

Similar Posts:

• Murphy’s Law – An open letter to The Dark Knight
• Murphy’s Law – Killing the Batman
• Review – The Dark Knight (Blu-ray)
• Murphy’s Law – One Shot: Batman: The Brave and The Bold
• Murphy’s Law – And please, no Robin …

Joel Murphy

Dear Dark Knight,

This is hard for me to say, so I’m just going to come out and say it … I think you and I need some time apart.

Look, I think you are great, really great. I’ll admit, I’ve been burned in the past (by Batman Forever and Batman and Robin), but I really think you have the potential to be the greatest Batman movie ever made. From that first teaser trailer released online (the one that made it clear that Heath Ledger was going to own the role of The Joker and make it something truly special), I’ve had trouble getting you out of my mind. I’ve watched that trailer dozens of times (along with the second trailer, the one that shows Aaron Eckhart giving a captivating performance as Harvey Dent). I’ve been counting the days until July 18, waiting with anticipation.

But …

To be honest with you, I’m feeling a bit smothered. Lately, I just feel like you are coming on a bit strong. You seem like a great film, one with a lot to offer, but frankly, all of your attention whoring has you coming off a bit desperate. I just think it’s beneath you.

I’ll admit, at first I was seeking out new information about you. I thoroughly enjoyed the New York Times article back in March that gave some insight into Chris Nolan’s directorial style. His refusal to use a second-unit director and his philosophy of letting the actors decided when it is time to move on to the next scene seemed refreshing. Reading that he believes “even the most popcorn-like movie can be done incredibly well, and can have something that you really have to work at” reassured me that Nolan was taking you very seriously and wouldn’t ruin things by adding Batnipples and campy dialogue (burn in hell, Joel Schumacher!).

After reading the Wired article last week about Chris Nolan’s insistence on doing live stunts instead of relying on CGI and his decision to have you be the first major feature film to shoot key sequences in IMAX, I decided that I needed to see you in an IMAX theater on opening night. I already have my ticket preordered. It’s locked away in a fireproof vault with all of my other valuables.

So while I admit that I encouraged your advances, I still feel that you went overboard, Dark Knight, which is why I’m politely asking you to calm it down a little bit. You don’t really need to release new TV trailers every week with a few new clips sprinkled in to each one. And, for that matter, there is no need to create a trailer that is being exclusively released on the Domino’s Pizza’s website. We are all familiar with you at this point. All of these new trailers are overkill. Why give us the hard sell when we are all already so excited about your release?

The articles that are coming out now seem a bit excessive as well. Already, Rolling Stone and a number of other publications have released reviews of the film. Whatever happened to printing movie reviews the week the movie is actually being released? Do I really need to read reviews of the film three weeks before you actually hit theaters? Even if all of the positive reviews are convincing moviegoers to see the film on the opening weekend (like I said, I’m already sold), we all still have to sit on our hands for another two weeks, excited for the film and jealous that some douchebag at Rolling Stone has already seen it.

(And Peter Travers is indeed a douchebag. He took it upon himself to throw a spoiler into his review, which I ended up reading inadvertently. He attempted to make the spoiler vague, but it was fairly obvious which character he was referring to, which pisses me off, especially since I didn’t even read his review. I saw an excerpt of the spoiler by accident on a movie blog. So Peter Travers, please join Joel Schumacher in hell! You two can suck on each other’s Batnipples for all eternity).

In addition to the reviews, the regular articles coming out about you at this point seem like too much of a good thing. I could spend all day reading about Chris Nolan’s unique approach to filmmaking, but do you really need to have someone come out with an entire article about the re-designed Bat Suit? I’m glad you were able to figure out a way to give Christian Bale a wider range of motion, but learning that this Bat Suit has 110 separate pieces (as opposed to three main components of the suit in Batman Begins) is just filling my brain with useless knowledge. Likewise, I don’t need to read a whole article detailing the new Batcave Bruce Wayne has hidden in the heart of Gotham City. Yes, it’s smart and more practical to give him a second Batcave in a more centralized location. No, it doesn’t make me any more excited about you, Dark Knight, to learn that such a cave exists.

So what do you say we take some time away from each other? I’ll spend the next two weeks actually paying attention to my fiancée, my family and my job, instead of pouring over every bit of minutiae about you that surfaces online. And you just spend the time being awesome. We can meet up on July 18th at the IMAX theater. I promise to show up ready to have my mind blown.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go spend some quality time with my loved ones.

Or maybe I’ll just go watch my copy of Batman: Gotham Knight while eating a Batman-shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Either way, it’s a win-win.

Sincerely,

Joel Murphy

Random Thought of the Week:
According to Holy Moly, Eddie Murphy plans to give up acting to refocus on his stand-up career. That’s funny, I thought Eddie Murphy gave up on acting when he did The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

• Murphy’s Law – A dark and stormy knight
• Review – Batman: Gotham Knight
• Murphy’s Law – An open letter to the wannabe rocker who cried on American Idol last night
• Murphy’s Law – An open letter to Erin Esurance
• Hobo Radio – It’s a bird, it’s a plane …

Courtney Enlow

One of my favorite bands ever is Semisonic. It’s pretty tragic they’re only really known for their biggest hit “Closing Time” which, while a great song, it was only one of many amazing tracks they put out.

So the other day I’m listening to their brilliant second album Feeling Strangely Fine (Can I pimp them hard enough? Bless the 90s.) and the song “Completely Pleased” comes on (no pun was intended in the making of that sentence, and you will see why I had to point this out in just a sec).

Now I’ve listened to this song over a hundred times since 1998. I love it, it’s awesome, all that.

So it is absolutely shocking to me that I’d apparently never listened to the lyrics before. I don’t know what made this particular listen any different than any other, but after a minute or so, I noticed something:

I want to see you smiling, weak in the knees

I want to see you come, come, completely pleased

I want to give you something priceless and free

And free

…

I want to see you hazy, dazed, and confused

I want to see you come, come completely used up …

Holy shit. This song’s about oral sex.

How had I never noticed this before? It’s not even like up-for-debate-open-to-discuss about oral sex. It’s graphic. In fact four lines in, he expresses his desire to see her “sweetly released.” It took me 10 years to figure this out? REALLY? Wow.

This is not the first time this has happened. There have been numerous occasions where I suddenly sit up one day and say, “Wow, this song’s dirty.” So with that, I give you my Five Favorite Secretly Dirty Songs.

5. “Oh What A Night (December 1963)” by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

This one is even more obvious than “Completely Pleased” giving you further proof that I’m either unsafely naive or just an idiot. Now like most people, I have spent most of my life assuming all songs by artists such as The Four Seasons to be about sock hops and things like necking and *gasp* hand holding. But no. This song’s definitely about fucking. Awesome. Way to get some, Bob Gaudio. Sorry to hear it ended much too soon.

Granted, so many songs are about sex that it’s completely innocuous. But there’s something about “oldies” that you just don’t think about in a sexual way. I mean “Runaround Sue” might as well been called “Hooker Slut Skank” but it’s still just a sweet innocent song in my mind. I think it’s because as soon as you consider artists of the 50s and 60s singing about sex, you are coming to terms with the fact that your grandparents were at some point and possibly still are sexually active. And frankly, no. Just no.

4. “Semi Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind

Another 90s song, another set of lyrics I somehow managed to enter the millennium without understanding. 3EB had some dirty songs (see “Faster”) but this was their biggest hit and it’s amazing it played unedited on the radio. We got coke, meth, more oral (the 90s were all about the oral), possible doggy style, more coke, this song has it all. And it’s possible the peppiest “let’s get fucked up and bone” song ever.

3. “Baby It’s Cold Outside” by various

Merry Christmas, I’d very much like to stick it in you.

That’s what I’m taking from this song. I mean it’s basically adorable Santa-sanctified sexual harassment. Or worse. I mean it’s kind of implied he slipped something in her drink. Dude, let the chick go home. Jeepers.

2. “Too Close” by Next

In my defense, this song came out when I was fourteen, so I obviously wasn’t exactly knowledgeable in the inner-workings of the male genitalia just yet. That said, this song might as well have been called “Boner Jam ’98.” The track opens with the words “I wonder if she can tell I’m hard right now” and just kind of escalates from there.

And to say this song might as well have been an anthem for eight grade boys would almost be funny if this song hadn’t actually played at every single dance when I was in eighth grade. Jesus, chaperones. We were children and didn’t know better. What’s your excuse? It was a Catholic school for Christ’s sake. God could have smote you in some way. That said, thank heavens for this song because otherwise my friends and I wouldn’t have the joy of screaming, “Step back you’re dancin’ kinda close, I feel a little poke comin’ through on you” every time we’re drunk. So thanks, Next. Please don’t ever wear sweatpants in my presence. Seriously, if you’re a grown man still having spontaneous erections, maybe you need to see a doctor.

1. “Greased Lightening” from the movie Grease

Of all the sleazy skeezy songs, this one takes the cake. Not only have I been listening to, singing along with and generally getting my groove on to this tune since I was old enough to remember, I’m not alone in not noticing its lyrics. Most of my friends and I all had the realization at the same moment. We were out being annoying 16 year olds one night, singing this song and got to, “You know that I ain’t braggin’, she’s a real pussy wagon” and just kind of stopped and stared at each other. Other fun lyrics: “You know that ain’t no shit, we’ll be gettin’ lots of tit.” Lovely. And of course there’s this chestnut: “You are supreme, the chicks’ll cream, for Greased Lightning.” Wow. Even Next with all their raging hard-ons DID NOT sing about natural female lubrication. Did I mention I hate the word “cream” in that context? Just ew.

Obviously there are a million more, many of them so subtle I still haven’t noticed, some so obvious that they didn’t warrant mentioning. But I take comfort in one thing. No matter how old I get, part of me will always be really immature giggling at the song about boners. Good times.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

• Overrated – Bob Dylan
• Getting to Know … The Hazzards
• One on One with James McMurtry
• Positive Cynicism – More questions commercials make me ask
• Guest Blog Post – Your favorite band sucks (but that doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends)

Ned Bitters

And now for the final installment of “What do you mean when you say you laugh every day at your job?” Every one of these episodes took place in my classroom this year. I’m sure that when the No Child Left Behind state test results arrive this August, some of my lovelies will indeed be left behind, but ain’t a one of them can say they didn’t get their money’s worth in the laughs department.

* * *

The kids were working on some bullshit busywork in my last period class. I didn’t care about the quality of their work. I wasn’t even going to grade it. I just wanted some quiet so that I could catch up on some email. For once, they were working quietly. (You remember last period of the day in high school, right? It was the let’s-fuck-around period. Still is.) Then Demona, in a mock attempt to give semi-retarded C.J. a heart attack, yelled out, “Mr. Bitters, C.J. is cheating off of me!” Before I had time to pretend that I cared or, more likely, to tease him even further, C.J. defended himself by declaring, “Nuh uh … I was cheating off of Melodee!” He was not trying to be funny.

* * *

I have been at this job for 21 years, so I can handle the most flagrant acts of disrespect in a calm, decisive manner. Usually. One day a girl came to class from lunch still eating a blue slushie. I don’t care if they eat in class as long as they pay attention. I wanted them to read along as I went over some directions. This girl, who I’d indulged all year because her mother died over the summer, was giving this slushie more attention than Ted Kennedy’s tumor got from his brain surgeon. I nicely asked her to stop and pay attention.

She said with great irritation, “I’m listenin’!”

This pissed me off, but I remained nice and said, “But I really need you to read along with us.” She said she would. We resumed reading. I looked over and saw that she was still worrying about that goddamn slushie. I marched over to her desk and tried to take it. She snatched it toward her. How did the always-in-control, 21-year veteran handle this act of disobedience? I yanked it out of her hand and yelled, “Give me that fucking thing!” She stormed out in tears, cursing me thirteen different ways. But I had that slushie, and we continued with the directions. After five minutes of laughter, that is.

* * *

Despite the previous item, I know I can still relate to students despite my middle age. The day I get fearful respect and hear no sarcasm from students is the day I’ll stab myself in the neck with a red grading pen. But sophomore Justin confirmed for me that my jugular is safe for now. One day I found Justin’s big bulky sports bag under my desk after my planning period. He had written a note on it that said, “This is Justin’s baseball gear. I’ll get it after 8th period. Don’t let me forget it … FAG!” That’s when you know a kid really likes you.

* * *

Over the past year I have developed a bizarre allergic reaction to some unknown stimulant. It has happened maybe a dozen times. My eyes swell almost completely shut, and they take almost 24 hours to return to normal. I missed a day of school this winter due to one violent attack, and when I returned to work the next day, my eyelids were still fairly swollen, resulting in endless playful abuse from my dickhead students. After the requisite five minutes of merciless teasing stopped, we began class. I asked a boy in the back a question in reference to something on the board. He said, “I can’t see the board.” Just as I was about to call him on his bullshit, as his vision had been fine all year, he said, “Your eye is in the way.” It was easily the wittiest line a kid delivered all year.

* * *

One smartass, who was obsessed with my age, tried to nail me (apropos of nothing, mind you) with this pointed barb: “Man Bitters, you’re getting pretty thin on top!” Before the rest of the class could get a cheap laugh at my middle aged expense, I returned his weak volley with this overhand smash: “Well, I’d have a lot more hair up their if your mom would quit yanking on it when I get her all excited.” Winner. Game, set, and match. I don’t believe Renaldo made any more comments about my age for the rest of the year.

* * *

We read something in an honors class in which a woman cheated on her husband. One future officer of the Moral Majority said, in true horror, “She cheated on him. That is just so … like … wrong!” Another kid in the class, a bitter precocious little fucker who I just loved, said in his most sarcastic tone, “What’s that James? A little louder please. We can’t year you from all the way back there in the ’50s.” I’d have rebuked him and supported the first kid had I been able to talk, but I was too busy laughing.

* * *

One day a teacher had her kids create some kind of white doughy stuff out of baking soda, water and who the hell knows what else. It was pretty cool stuff, though. It had the consistency of heated gum, yet it did not stick to one’s hands at all. One girl, seeing me so enthralled with the stuff, gave me her baggie with the white doughy ball inside so that I could play with it. We were watching Julius Caesar that day, so while they pretended to enjoy that shit movie, two wiseasses near my desk asked if they could play with my “white goo.” I broke off a piece for each of them and said, “Yeah, let me give you some of my goo.” We laughed, and it was on.

For the next 20 minutes, these two wits put on serious faces and played with my goo, making comment after comment, under their breaths and with straight faces, comments such as, “Oh no, I got some of Mr. Bitters’ goo in my hair” and “Don’t get any of his goo in your eyes or it will burn” and “I just tasted Mr. Bitters’ goo and it’s really salty” and “Mr. Bitters’ goo can get really stringy if you run it around your fingers.” I couldn’t write the rest of the lines down because I was heaving with laughter behind my computer. They never smiled once, which made it even funnier.

fter the movie, a different girl asked, “Mr. Bitters, can you give me some of your goo?” She was not trying to be funny. I threw it to her. She said with absolutely no crude intent, “Man, Mr. Bitters. Your goo is so warm.” The two boys and I nearly suffered hernias from holding in our laughter.

* * *

I had a Chinese kid who spoke much like white people do when imitating Chinese people. One day he finished his work and asked me, “Mr. Bitters … you correcting this?” I told him I was. He tried to hand it to me. I said I’d get it later. He said again, “But you say you correcting this, right?” I said, “Yes, but I’ll get it later.” He looked puzzled and asked, “Why you no just correct now then?” Just as I was about to lose my patience, I realized what was happening. This kid was trying to say “collecting,” but it was coming out “correcting.” It was right out of an old Hollywood movie, when guys named Bill Jones used to don black wigs with pony tails, squint their eyes and do bad Chinese accents where the L’s turn into R’s. The only thing missing was the pointy straw hat and rickshaw.

* * *

Yep, I laugh hard at this job every single day. I won’t even tell you about the kid who peed in the lab jar when the teacher wouldn’t let him use the restroom, or about the time a teacher brought his lunch (leftover steak dinner from Applebee’s) for the first time all year, only to find the empty container in the trash when he went to enjoy it, or the kid who, when I asked how he got those nasty brushburns on his knees, said, “That shit’s from bangin’, son!” or about the girl who came to my class the period after the National Honor Society induction ceremony, laughing hysterically because one of the new inductees had asked if she could cheat off that student earlier that morning.

I have all this fun and they still give me over two months off every summer. So if you ever hear me complain about this job, just shoot me an email and call me every dirty name you can think of. I’m serious. I know I have it great, so don’t let me forget it … FAG!

Ned Bitters teaches high school and dreams of one day seeing one of his former students on stage at a strip club. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

• The Teachers’ Lounge – Advice to new teachers
• The Teachers’ Lounge – Memorable Moments 2010, Pt. II
• The Teachers’ Lounge – Memorable Moments 2011, Pt. I
• The Teachers’ Lounge – Memorable Moments 2011, Pt. II
• The Teachers’ Lounge – Memorable moments 08, Pt. I