Dear Dark Knight,
This is hard for me to say, so I’m just going to come out and say it … I think you and I need some time apart.
Look, I think you are great, really great. I’ll admit, I’ve been burned in the past (by Batman Forever and Batman and Robin), but I really think you have the potential to be the greatest Batman movie ever made. From that first teaser trailer released online (the one that made it clear that Heath Ledger was going to own the role of The Joker and make it something truly special), I’ve had trouble getting you out of my mind. I’ve watched that trailer dozens of times (along with the second trailer, the one that shows Aaron Eckhart giving a captivating performance as Harvey Dent). I’ve been counting the days until July 18, waiting with anticipation.
To be honest with you, I’m feeling a bit smothered. Lately, I just feel like you are coming on a bit strong. You seem like a great film, one with a lot to offer, but frankly, all of your attention whoring has you coming off a bit desperate. I just think it’s beneath you.
I’ll admit, at first I was seeking out new information about you. I thoroughly enjoyed the New York Times article back in March that gave some insight into Chris Nolan’s directorial style. His refusal to use a second-unit director and his philosophy of letting the actors decided when it is time to move on to the next scene seemed refreshing. Reading that he believes “even the most popcorn-like movie can be done incredibly well, and can have something that you really have to work at” reassured me that Nolan was taking you very seriously and wouldn’t ruin things by adding Batnipples and campy dialogue (burn in hell, Joel Schumacher!).
After reading the Wired article last week about Chris Nolan’s insistence on doing live stunts instead of relying on CGI and his decision to have you be the first major feature film to shoot key sequences in IMAX, I decided that I needed to see you in an IMAX theater on opening night. I already have my ticket preordered. It’s locked away in a fireproof vault with all of my other valuables.
So while I admit that I encouraged your advances, I still feel that you went overboard, Dark Knight, which is why I’m politely asking you to calm it down a little bit. You don’t really need to release new TV trailers every week with a few new clips sprinkled in to each one. And, for that matter, there is no need to create a trailer that is being exclusively released on the Domino’s Pizza’s website. We are all familiar with you at this point. All of these new trailers are overkill. Why give us the hard sell when we are all already so excited about your release?
The articles that are coming out now seem a bit excessive as well. Already, Rolling Stone and a number of other publications have released reviews of the film. Whatever happened to printing movie reviews the week the movie is actually being released? Do I really need to read reviews of the film three weeks before you actually hit theaters? Even if all of the positive reviews are convincing moviegoers to see the film on the opening weekend (like I said, I’m already sold), we all still have to sit on our hands for another two weeks, excited for the film and jealous that some douchebag at Rolling Stone has already seen it.
(And Peter Travers is indeed a douchebag. He took it upon himself to throw a spoiler into his review, which I ended up reading inadvertently. He attempted to make the spoiler vague, but it was fairly obvious which character he was referring to, which pisses me off, especially since I didn’t even read his review. I saw an excerpt of the spoiler by accident on a movie blog. So Peter Travers, please join Joel Schumacher in hell! You two can suck on each other’s Batnipples for all eternity).
In addition to the reviews, the regular articles coming out about you at this point seem like too much of a good thing. I could spend all day reading about Chris Nolan’s unique approach to filmmaking, but do you really need to have someone come out with an entire article about the re-designed Bat Suit? I’m glad you were able to figure out a way to give Christian Bale a wider range of motion, but learning that this Bat Suit has 110 separate pieces (as opposed to three main components of the suit in Batman Begins) is just filling my brain with useless knowledge. Likewise, I don’t need to read a whole article detailing the new Batcave Bruce Wayne has hidden in the heart of Gotham City. Yes, it’s smart and more practical to give him a second Batcave in a more centralized location. No, it doesn’t make me any more excited about you, Dark Knight, to learn that such a cave exists.
So what do you say we take some time away from each other? I’ll spend the next two weeks actually paying attention to my fiancée, my family and my job, instead of pouring over every bit of minutiae about you that surfaces online. And you just spend the time being awesome. We can meet up on July 18th at the IMAX theater. I promise to show up ready to have my mind blown.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go spend some quality time with my loved ones.
Or maybe I’ll just go watch my copy of Batman: Gotham Knight while eating a Batman-shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Either way, it’s a win-win.
Random Thought of the Week:
According to Holy Moly, Eddie Murphy plans to give up acting to refocus on his stand-up career. That’s funny, I thought Eddie Murphy gave up on acting when he did The Adventures of Pluto Nash.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at email@example.com.