Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

Well, there you have it. Our first week as the new and improved HoboTrashcan is in the bag. We all finally solved the “new hobo rolls into town” mystery and I wasn’t replaced by a younger, sexier hobo, so I think we can all agree that this week has been a success.

Also, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I think this new format is pretty sweet (and not just because I am prominently featured on the banner on the top of this page). Hopefully the new and improved HoboTrashcan will prove to be incredibly popular and will become a huge financial success so that Joel can start actually paying me in cash instead of in Skittles.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great Labor Day weekend. We’ll be back on Monday with even more hobo goodness.

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Murphy’s Law – A disaster that must be stopped
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are the men responsible for Date Movie, Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie. Their latest film, Disaster Movie hits theaters this week, so Joel Murphy attempts to figure out why these guys are still allowed to make films.

Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2008
Sport’s columnist Brian Murphy takes a look at all 32 NFL teams and gives you the reason why each one won’t win the Super Bowl this season. Even the best sports analyst have trouble predicting the outcome of the NFL season this early, but we guarantee Murphy will get 31 of these right.

Outside of the In-Crowd – Rules for Facebook
In honor of HoboTrashcan’s new Facebook page, Courtney Enlow shared 11 rules that all Facebook users should live by. Courtney lays into everything from misspelled movies titles to slutty photos. So if you want to avoid looking like a total douche on Facebook, we suggest you memorize this list.

Overrated – HoboTrashcan
To help celebrate both the new site and HoboTrashcan’s three-year anniversary, Ned Bitters explained why HoboTrashcan itself is overrated. Then, our editor Joel Murphy joined in on the fun to explain why Bitters is overrated. So if you ever wanted to know why we all suck, here’s your chance.

Guest Blog – “My Baby” by Lil Romeo is one of my favorite songs ever, which is not embarrassing
SARAHSPY shares her love for the Lil Romeo song “My Baby,” which she recently rediscovered after spending years unable to track it down because she thought the song was by Lil Bow Wow. Sarah shares her love for Lil Romeo (who she admits hasn’t aged so well) in this special guest blog post.

From the Vault – Tara’s photos
Last year, to help us celebrate our second anniversary, HoboTrashcan’s site girl Tara returned to the site for a special hobo-themed photo set. If you missed it then, we are bringing it out of the vault this week. We think you will agree that it’s a much better anniversary gift than that toaster you got for your wife last year.

Also make sure to check out an all new Hobo Radio, Chicken and Milk, Recyclables and our daily Hobo Headlines.

- Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap is also available as an email newsletter. To sign up for the newsletter to ensure you never miss an update, send an email to newsletter-subscribe@hobotrashcan.com.

• Introduction
• Contractually obligated Batman discussion
• Michael Phelps
• The new HoboTrashcan.com
• “Le Spinner” by Isabelle Antena

Week 58 Spotlight: Phelps phans.

Michael Phelps captured America’s attention with his record-setting performance at this year’s Olympics. He will soon return home to Baltimore, where parades will be held in his honor. While most Baltimore natives are proud to call him one of their own, Lars Periwinkle is getting a little tired of all of the hype.

Lars has nothing against Phelps’ accomplishments, he is simply sick of all of the hype. But, a city like Baltimore, whose only other claims to fame are a dead poet, a pessimistic show about the drug trade and a quirky director, is ready to latch onto the Phelps phenomenon and ride it into the ground.

What will Phelps do to capitalize on his current stardom? Will Cher play Catwoman in the next Batman movie? Will Joel Murphy butcher another foreign language? The answers to these questions and more are in this week’s show.

Hobo Radio 58 - Phelps phans [ 31:55 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

We scan the top newspapers and websites to bring you all of the important news of the day. Then we convert the newspapers into hobo blankets or funny hats.

Here are today’s Hobo Headlines:

• Perhaps he is just a method actor.
  Californication star David Duchovny has entered rehab for sex addiction. “I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” Duchovny said in a statement. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”
  [MSNBC.com]

• I bet they love lasagna and hates Mondays.
  A 35 pound male cat named Shamu was found by the Camden County Animal Shelter, the same shelter that discovered the 44 pound Prince Chunk.
  [NYDailyNews.com]

• Kate Moss then sold the statue for drug money.
  Artist Marc Quinn created a large gold statue of Kate Moss. The £1.5 million statue, which was created for the British Museum, features Moss in a yoga pose.
  [Scandalist.com]

• Maybe now they can start working on that cure for cancer.
  A team of scientists, led by Michael Dickinson of the California Institute of Technology, determined that a fly processes the location of someone swatting at it, creates an escape plan and moves its legs into the best position to get out of the way within approximately 100 milliseconds of spotting an attack.
  [Newsweek.com]

Brian Murphy

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time again. With the preseason nearly complete, it’s time for the fifth annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. Book a flight to Las Vegas immediately and bet the farm – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done this year.

Arizona Cardinals - Matt Leinart can’t beat out Kurt Warner. Kurt Warner can’t beat anyone but Matt Leinart.

Atlanta Falcons - The Falcons named rookie quarterback Matt Ryan their starter, guaranteeing no more than five wins in 2008. Sadly, that would be an improvement over last year’s four-win effort. I’d say more, but I don’t want to sound like I’m picking on the autistic kid.

Baltimore Ravens - Is Kyle Boller still on the Ravens? Nuff’ said.

Buffalo Bills - Oh how tortured Bills fans long for the days of choking in the Super Bowl. Buffalo is going to be so disappointing this season that they’re openly trying to deport themselves to Canada.

Carolina Panthers - Nevermind wide out Steve Smith sucker-punching teammates during practice – how do you expect me to take your franchise seriously when you draft Jon Stewart to play running back?

Chicago Bears - Talk to me when Devin Hester learns to play quarterback too.

Cincinnati Bengals - Other than collect convicted felons, what exactly have the Cincinnati Bengals done well since head coach Marvin Lewis came to town?

Cleveland Browns - Because they’re the Browns.

Dallas Cowboys - Terrell Owens. Pacman Jones. Tank Johnson. It’s nothing short of hysterical that on a team full of assholes and screw-ups the biggest name keeping them from winning a playoff game is Jessica Simpson.

Denver Broncos - The Broncos are only one hit away from having their playoff fate rest in the hands of Patrick Ramsey.

Detroit Lions - Matt Millen.

Green Bay Packers - Forget about running the biggest name to ever play for Green Bay out of town. The Packers won’t win this year because Brett Favre is wearing their jersey on the cover of Madden ’09.

Houston Texans - Let’s see them post a winning record at least once in franchise history before we invite the Texans to join us at the grown-ups’ table.

Indianapolis Colts - Because let’s face it, Eli is the clutch Manning.

Jacksonville Jaguars - Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor-Groin are great for fantasy football, but with Jerry Porter recovering from a hamstring injury, Reggie Williams recovering from a knee problem and Matt Jones recovering from a coke problem there are still too many question marks on this offense.

Kansas City Chiefs - Herm Edwards might provide enjoyable quotes, but he’s not much of a head coach. And since “we play to win the game,” well … you can see where this is going.

Miami Dolphins - Thanks to a knee injury Ronnie Brown is damaged goods, which would be an upgrade to the status of Ricky Williams. Just one question for those Dolphins fans who want Ricky to be the starting running back – is he still living in a tent for eight dollars a day?

Minnesota Vikings - As division opponents and rivals, I know the Vikings see plenty of the Bears, but did they really have to try and follow the Chicago blueprint of building a great team with no quarterback to lead them?

New England Patriots - If the Patriots couldn’t get it done last year when they were 18-0, then there’s zero chance they can do it this year.

New Orleans Saints - Let’s be honest, Reggie Bush has done as much to contribute to the Saints as girlfriend Kim Kardashian has contributed to society.

New York Giants - Jeremy Shockey, Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora are out, leaving Eli Manning and … well … Eli Manning left to defend their championship.

New York Jets - Eric Mangini is 37. Brett Favre is 38. The last time a team had a head coach and quarterback the same age was Joe Gibbs and Mark Brunell. Ask Redskins fans how that worked out.

Oakland Raiders - If Javon Walker couldn’t break free from coverage in Las Vegas during the offseason, then there’s no chance the Raiders top offensive threat will get it done against NFL defenses.

Philadelphia Eagles - You know it’s bad when Mormons stop protesting HBO’s Big Love and start protesting your head coach and his dysfunctional family.

Pittsburgh Steelers - How is it mathematically possible for running back Willie Parker to rush for more than 1,300 yards last season and never actually find the endzone?

San Diego Chargers - Studies have shown that long-term steroid use can break down a body and increase the chance of injury. In an unrelated story, Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman has two torn ligaments in his knee and has been told by doctors that he could suffer a career-ending injury if he attempts to play without having surgery.

San Francisco 49ers - Quarterback Alex Smith is a former number one overall pick who will make a reported $10 million this season to ride the bench as someone named J.T. O’Sullivan (with a career QB rating of 48.2) starts in his place.

Seattle Seahawks - Julius Jones was let go from Dallas after questions about his heart and commitment surfaced. So naturally, after Seattle let running back Shaun Alexander go for similar reasons, they swooped in and replaced him with Jones.

St. Louis Rams - Marc Bulger is old. Torry Holt is older. Steven Jackson is only 25, but he’s coming off of a series of injuries and a lengthy holdout. That means the Rams will be lucky to sniff .500.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - The Bucs currently have more than $28 million available in salary cap room. Why? Because this isn’t 2002 and no one wants to play there.

Tennessee Titans - Quarterback Vince Young and running back LenDale White might have gotten it done at the college level, but has either player truly shown he has what it takes to be one of the best at his position in the NFL?

Washington Redskins - What exactly did rookie head coach Jim Zorn show team management during those 15 days he was the team’s offensive coordinator? That NFL teams can score more than 14 points a game?

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Similar Posts:

• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2009
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2011
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2010
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2007
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2006

[Editor's Note: Today, as an added bonus here on our first week as the new and improved HoboTrashcan, we are bringing you a special guest blog from the talented pop culture blogger SARAHSPY.]

So, during college circa 2002, I worked at the Gap, which, like any other mall store, relies on a monthly “soundtrack” a few hours-long that plays and re-plays all the livelong day. “My Baby” by Lil Romeo – in which the son of Master P samples Michael Jackson – was one such track within the Gap Kids section of our store.

Whenever this song came on, my day was totally made. In the six years since, I’ve searched for it online to no avail … only to realize this week that I had the artist confused. I’d been searching for Lil Bow Wow this whole time! (Idiot.)

I’m so happy to be reunited with one of my favorite summertime tunes. You MUST check out this live clip of the song – featuring both Lil Romeo and his dad, performing at Michael Jackson’s 30th anniversary tribute concert.

HOW GOOD IS THIS?!? Don’t you want to watch that video over and over? Maybe learn all the words??

The fact that Master P had them dress exactly the same, down to the shiny bling pendant, proves how proud he is of his son. I would be too. I also would appreciate if the next time a dude turns me down for a relationship that I felt had the potential to be really spectacular, he would at least have the decency to write me a song that I can dance to.

On a rather sad sidenote – Lil Romeo hasn’t aged so well. In this more recent video for “My Cinderellah,” he’s still trying to pull off that little “okay” laughing sidenote during the chorus (which I love in “My Baby”), but it’s not cute or awesome anymore. Guy probably should’ve taken a hiatus during the awkward teen years and come back to us later, when he’s comfortable turning that childhood spunk into something mean and palpable for the masses. His current songs are junk and you should not bother with them. But you should watch the “My Baby” video at least four hundred times.

To read more of SARAHSPY’s writing, check out her blog.