Faithful reader, here you sit, admiring the glorious newness of your HoboTrash surroundings. Isn’t’ it beautiful? It smells a lot better (you know they call that candle “Angel Whisper” and it really does smell just like I imagine the whisper of an angel would smell!) and we finally got that stain out of the couch. So have a seat! Put you feet up. But take off your goddamn shoes, I mean were you born in a barn? Jesus.
While your around, you should probably check out our fancy new Facebook page. But seriously, it’s really fancy. Put on a tie. And put your shoes back on! What is the matter with you?
There you go. Much better. Have an hors d’oeuvre, which I made myself and spelled without using spellcheck or Google. But while you browse your second tab which is opened to Facebook, you should probably know what you’re getting into.
For many, Facebook is a treacherous land, frightening and unfamiliar (assuming this is 2004). But never fear. I will gladly teach you the ways. These are things you need to know when it comes to using Facebook.
1. If you add over four applications, people will hate you and never be friends with you again.
I don’t mean to be blunt, and obviously I only mean “Facebook friends” and not real life friends. But if we’re going to get even “honester,” if you keep this app shit up, they won’t want to be your friends even off Facebook because you scare them. No one wants to be your vampire or pirate friend, and no one wants to support the cause of your choice, because this is Facebook, and no one trusts that your cause is getting penny one. So cease.
2. Check the photos tagged by other people.
We’ve all done this. You come across someone you kind of know, see their profile picture and think, “My stars. What an attractive individual.” Then maybe you even click on the “View Photos Of” link underneath and see the ones they’ve tagged of themselves. “What a similarly attractive individual” you say. But then you scroll down. And you see the photos tagged by others. Then you really see.
Note: Often, people will un-tag themselves from photos in which they look unattractive. If they actually do look unattractive in said photo, this is okay. If they look quite cute and there is a comment below saying something along the lines of “oh my god, look at my pores!” or “my hair looks so frizzy!1!” then defriend them immediately, in Facebook and life, because bitch is crazy. This goes double if said person is male.
3. If the number of pictures of themselves tagged by themselves is higher than the number of pictures tagged by others by over 50, they probably don’t have many friends.
Or they really really love themselves. Which in and of itself means they probably don’t have that many friends.
4. If they have multiple pictures where they have very obviously taken the picture themselves and it is just them in the shot and they are not smiling, they are no one you want to be friends with.
I don’t quite understand the whole “taking a sexy picture of myself” phenomenon. If you have to hold a camera above your head and fuck the camera with your eyes and angle the shot just so your cleavage makes it in but you still don’t have the decency or wherewithal to crop your goddamn arm out of the picture, you are ridiculous. And you are not sexy. And you must be stopped.
5. People who leave incredibly personal and inappropriate statuses are deserving of your laughter and ridicule.
If you ever logged onto Facebook for another day filled with trying to beat the high score on the “Addicted to Doctor Who” app trivia section (and who hasn’t been there, amirite?) and the right side of your screen said something along the lines of “Courtney Enlow is oh I don’t even know anymore” or “Courtney Enlow is tired of this bullshit” or even “Courtney Enlow is needs one drink to remember, and another to forget” (because these people rarely realize you can remove the default “is” that pops up whenever you try to change your status) then I would absolutely deserve every ounce of “What the fuck is the matter with you? This is fucking Facebook. No one gives a shit,” that you gave me. Or even more appropriately, I would deserve your silence and to be totally ignored. Because they do it for attention. Not unlike the people who wear certain costumes at large events designed to make people take notice, you are trying to garner attention. Don’t get mad at me when it backfires and the attention you get is not the attention you are after.
I may have digressed ever so slightly. But it’s still true.
6. Unless it is a close relation to them, trust no one with a baby or small child in their profile picture.
They don’t have any friends and they also have a deep desire to become a young parent. Look for them on “Engaged & Underraged” anytime now.
7. If a guy’s profile picture features him shirtless and obviously trying to make a serious face, he’s a massive douche.
I don’t want to worry you, ladies. But seriously, this guy will try to fucking date rape you. He thinks he’s Channing Tatum. And if you are of the ilk that are intensely attracted to Channing Tatum, you’re probably a target. Guard yourself. Use big words. It’ll scare him off.
8. If they spell the name of a movie or band in their favorites list wrong, it’s not their favorite movie or band.
Oh yeah, I too totally love that movie “Moulan Roge.” Let me know how you’re coming on that great book, “A Million Small Pieces.” Oh and while we’re at it, if their answer to any favorites question is “everything!” then that means they actually hate music, film and/or television.
9. If a girl’s profile picture features her skimpily dressed, flashing a backwards peace sign and making kissy lips, she will probably blow you.
But you’ll totally regret it afterwards.
10. If their entire profile, wall too, is a love letter completely devoted to their boyfriend or girlfriend, they are going break up.
And we will laugh merrily and schadenfreudilly when they do because we are evil.
11. And finally, if someone updates their Interests, Favorites or About Me section daily or more, they are either incredibly narcissistic or deeply obsessive compulsive.
Don’t worry. I have an appointment with someone next week. I just want the ends to line up. Is that so much to ask!?
In summation, my friends, I have completely insulted over 99 percent of all Facebook on the first day we have a comments section, and I did it for you. So take the knowledge I’ve given you and use it wisely. And seriously, if you insist on taking a picture of yourself making a kissy face at the camera like you’re Miley Goddamn Cyrus, crop your fucking arm out of the picture. What is the matter with you?
I’m here to help. Really.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.