We scan the top newspapers and websites to bring you all of the important news of the day. Then we convert the newspapers into hobo blankets or funny hats.

Here are today’s Hobo Headlines:

• It was just like the end of Footloose, only the dancing was somehow even more awkward and painful to watch.
  Last night, Barack Obama was officially named the Democratic party’s presidential candidate, becoming the first African American presidential nominee for a major party. Once the nomination was official, the Democrats cut loose. According to the Los Angeles Times: “Delegates whooped, embraced and danced in the aisles.”
  [LATimes.com]

• Or perhaps he could have offered Obama a cigar.
  Bill Clinton enthusiastically endorsed Obama at the Democratic National Convention last night. Slate‘s John Dickerson said, “The only way he could have endorsed Obama more enthusiastically is if he’d kissed him.”
  [Slate.com]

• Who could have seen this coming?
  Marion “Suge” Knight was arrested yesterday on assault and drug charges after allegedly beating his girlfriend while brandishing a knife in Las Vegas. He was later released on bail.
  [ABC.com]

• She then told the cops that she was innocent, but “If I did it, here’s how it happened.”
  O.J. Simpson’s oldest daughter reportedly knocked him to the ground in a fight that started over his girlfriend. His daughter, Arnelle, then called 911 to report the incident because her father had suffered a minor head injury.
  [NYDailyNews.com]

Joel Murphy

I like to think of myself as someone who is in touch with pop culture. As the alcoholic/talentless hack Ned Bitters pointed out in his diatribe yesterday, my columns are usually sprinkled with references to modern TV shows and films. I spend an unhealthy amount of time in front of my television and in movie theaters. I enjoy a wide range of cinema, everything from There Will Be Blood to Necessary Roughness.

However, there is one thing I can’t understand about modern cinema – and that is the continued success of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

Friedberg and Seltzer are the brains (and I use that term loosely) behind Date Movie, Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie. Their latest “masterpiece,” which opens on Friday, is aptly titled Disaster Movie. They got their start working on the forgotten Leslie Neilson spy parody Spy Hard and the popular Scary Movie franchise. After the success of the Scary Movie films, they began producing and directing their own projects.

While Friedberg and Seltzer’s solo projects haven’t come close to the $49.7 million Scary Movie 3 made opening weekend, they have had some box office success. Date Movie, Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie all made at least $18 million opening weekend (both Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans were number one at the box office the week they came out). Since the films have relatively small budgets, they end up being cash cows, which is why they continue to get made.

Even though their films aren’t exactly earning Dark Knight money, I still can’t figure out the secret to Friedberg and Seltzer’s success. Why do their films continue to thrive when a film like The Rocker (which is a paint-by-numbers generic rock comedy that I would happily watch over their catalog any day) made only $2.8 million in its debut last weekend?

It’s not that I don’t understand the appeal of parody movies. I thoroughly enjoy all of Christopher Guest’s mockumentary films like This Is Spinal Tap, A Mighty Wind and Best in Show. I consider Airplane and The Naked Gun to be classic comedies. I really liked the first Austin Powers movie and even enjoyed Walk Hard, though that movie completely fell apart halfway through.

While I enjoy parody films, I simply can’t get into the movies that Friedberg and Seltzer are making (I’m getting tired of typing out their names, from now on, let’s just call them “Seltzberg”). A true parody film should poke fun at its intended subject, but should still have a coherent plot and characters that you are emotionally invested in. Seltzberg’s films seem to be an incoherent hodgepodge of film and pop culture references loosely tied together by a plot that serves only to set up the next gag.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at the trailer.

The trailer for the film starts out logically enough – the announcer with the deep voice asks who will save us when our world is threatened and our lives are at risk. That’s a solid setup for a disaster movie parody.

But then, the trailer shows us Iron Man getting crushed by a cow, Hannah Montana getting crushed by a meteor, The Incredible Hulk getting de-pansed, the Enchanted princess getting hit by a cab, Hancock hitting his head on a lamppost and a drag queen dressed as Sarah Jessica Parker squaring off with Juno.

None of the films parodied in the trailer are actually disaster movie. Most of them are superhero movies and even though none of the superheroes featured actually take on a natural disaster in their films, I guess I can understand how someone could incorporate a superhero into a disaster movie. However, references to Enchanted, Juno and Sex and the City are just confusing. (Unless you are counting Sarah Jessica Parker’s wardrobe as a disaster – am I right, ladies?)

On top of that, every single one of those clips is basically the same thing – violence befalls character from popular movie. Seltzberg isn’t actually spoofing these films (unless you want to give them credit for poking fun at the fact that The Incredible Hulk‘s pants somehow always remain on when he transforms from Bruce Banner, even though the rest of his clothes rip off). Honestly, they just seem to be going, “Hey, remember that popular character from this year’s summer blockbuster – here’s what it would look like if he got hit in the nuts.” Instead of actually coming up with a punchline, they are relying on the cheap pop they will get for using a character everyone recognizes.

In the South Park episode “Cartoon Wars,” it was revealed that Family Guy is actually written by manatees who grab idea balls that say things like “Mexico,” “Gary Coleman” and “date” and send them down a tube. Those ideas then become the set up for the next scene in the show. While most of us watched this episode of South Park and laughed, I feel like Seltzberg went out and purchased manatees.

What is it about these films that people enjoy? What keeps them coming back? Why spend $10 to go see a bunch of fictional characters get crushed by objects when you can go surf YouTube for a half an hour and see real people smash into real things for free? These films are basically nothing more than predictable Jay Leno-style jokes meshed with the best parts of America’s Funniest Home Videos. And by the time the movie hits the theater, all of their pop culture references seem dated, which isn’t good since those references are all these films have going for them.

And don’t try to convince me that you like the films “ironically” because I’m not buying it. Look, I thoroughly enjoyed Snakes on a Plane and Wicker Man for their “it’s-so-bad-it’s-good” charm, but even those movies look like Citizen Kane next to Disaster Movie. That’s why those films can get actors like Samuel L. Jackson and Nicholas Cage instead of people like Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian.

So please do me a favor, movie-going public, and sit this one out. Just this once, let’s not give this film that $18 or $19 million it will inevitably earn. Go read Perez Hilton or DListed instead, their pop culture references are much more current and are updated constantly. Or, if you are heading out to the movies this weekend, go see The Dark Knight again so that it can beat Titanic‘s box office record. Just please don’t see Disaster Movie.

Let’s send a message to Seltzberg that you are tired of lazy writing and predictable jokes. They’ve had their time in the spotlight; it’s time to give another pair of shitty writers their 15 minutes.

Please – if you won’t do it for me, do it for the manatees.

Random Though of the Week:
If you haven’t done so already, go enter our Pimp a Hobo contest. Or don’t. Whatever man, it’s your life.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

• Murphy’s Law – So Scream 4, huh?
• Murphy’s Law – Fear and loathing in Boston
• Outside of the In-Crowd – Goodbye 2009, Part 2: The worst of the decade
• Murphy’s Law – Beating an undead horse
• Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off 2010

Wednesday we empty out our Recycle Bin, which means we take one of the entertaining sites or videos people have forwarded to us and share them with you.

For those of you who feel like HoboTrashcan is doesn’t have enough sex appeal, I suggest you head over to Sexy People. Sexy People is a photo blog that aims to be “a celebration of the perfect portrait.” It is a collection of wonderfully awkward and embarrassing photos, like the one of the two cousins seen above.

We scan the top newspapers and websites to bring you all of the important news of the day. Then we convert the newspapers into hobo blankets or funny hats.

Here are today’s Hobo Headlines:

• Now please head back to the sidelines and sit there quietly, Hillary.
  In her much anticipated speech at the Democratic National Convention yesterday, Hillary Clinton called for party unity, saying, “Whether you voted for me, or voted for Barack, the time is now to unite as a single party with a single purpose. We are on the same team, and none of us can sit on the sidelines.”
  [Slate.com]

• A historic moment – Bud Selig actually does something right.
  Starting tomorrow, Major League Baseball will begin using instant replay to verify home runs, foul balls and fan interference.
  [LATimes.com]

• But I already bought my plane ticket.
  The Miss Sister 2008, the Italian beauty pageant for nuns that we reported on yesterday, has been canceled due to pressure from local religious authorities.
  [BBC]

• And nerds everywhere flock to their message boards to organize a riot.
  The Los Angeles Times has an in depth look at the lawsuit 20th Century Fox filed against Warner Bros. claiming that Fox still owns a portion of the rights to the highly anticipated Watchmen film, a lawsuit which may delay the film from getting released.
  [LATimes.com]

Ned Bitters

This week’s inductee into the “Overrated Hall of Fame” is … HoboFuckingTrashCan.

I wouldn’t say the site is struggling for hits, but when I googled “hobotrashcan,” the first six sites listed sell actual trash cans to actual hobos.

What’s worse, those sites proved more interesting than HTC. I wouldn’t say we’re struggling for readership, but I did some research and found that the following sites get at least 10 times the traffic that HTC gets:

Unfunnyjunk.com

AmyWinehouse’sTipsForLookingHotInPaparazziPictures.com

The site might get more hits if some of those chick photo spreads would show a little more of the good stuff instead of keeping it all covered. Suggestive tease shots stopped being enticing the day Playboy issue number one hit the shelves. Now, in this wonderful Internet age, competition for the repeated attention of twisted online perves (meaning men) is fierce. HTC is up against bestiality, orgies, rape and people shitting on each other. The alluring arm-across-the-tits shot just ain’t gonna make HTC a “favorites” link of all the lowlifes (meaning men) searching for pussy shots. Help grow the site, honeys; show us some nip and vuh-gine.

Having a professional sports writer do a regular column is a good idea. Most people like sports. But the HTC sports column? Listen closely. Do you hear that sound? That’s our boy Murf sucking on the collective knob of the Washington Redskins. The guy ought to change his name to Homer McFanboy. It’s all Redskins, all the time. A video could surface of a Redskin cornerback ass-fucking an eight-year-old Filipino boy in front of his mother, and Murf would write a breathless column lauding the guy for his excellent lube technique. His only concern would be that the player might pull a calf muscle, what with that weird (but super-duper Redskinally athletic) fuck position. And of course, the article would include a quote from Chris Cooley, Murf’s mad mancrush.

I have to give him credit though. Murf might be the only HTCer to score some commercial endorsement money some day. Since he unthinkingly laps up the annual Redskin “This is our year” bullshit, he’ll be hawking Kool Aid any day now. “Step right up and guzzle, folks. Try the new Burgundy and Gold flavors! They’re the best. And by the way, it’s Chris Cooley’s favorite.” Okay, I admit it. I’m just jealous because he’s funnier. Need proof? The guy writes serious articles about the Washington Nationals.

Ms. Enlow usually provides a good read. A fine young writer honing her craft, she’ll no doubt find her work in print some day. But until then, howzabout sexing up your columns a bit? Don’t show the readers cleavage and flowing locks in your picture, then not include at least one graphic fuck scene per article. You’re what, 22 … 23? Reader enjoyment of your take on all things pop culture would triple if they ended with a filthy sex tale starring you, two Cubs pitchers and a cumshot. Just tell your parents and friends that you quit writing for HTC, then cut loose with a column detailing what you really want to do when you run into a drunk John Cusack outside of Gibson’s one steamy summer Rush Street evening.

And poor Mr. Murphy and his celebrity interviews. Now that The Wire is no more, he has no one left to interview. I keep waiting for the issue where he treats us to the scintillating thoughts of The Wire‘s assistant gaffer. As for his columns, I’d probably enjoy his smartass tone more if I knew anything about the TV shows he watches. He might be making some very astute observations, but I wouldn’t know, as I don’t have a vagina, which means I don’t watch Lost, nor do I have a buttplug and a lifetime subscription to Blue Boy, which means I don’t watch the homo-erotic feast of oil and muscle they package as wrestling.

Finally, we come to one Ned Bitters. In a gesture of fairness, I let editor Joel take a swipe at my bi-weekly ramblings. This is the best he could come up with:

The byline may read “Ned Bitters,” but all of the credit for each week’s Overrated column should go to Jack Daniels. I mean, when the guy says he would love to be the next Hemingway, Faulkner or Bukowski, he apparently means it literally.

Not that I can blame the guy for hitting the bottle as often as he does. I mean, it’s amazing he is even able to go out in public with all of his social hangups. Everything from outdoor dining to open-toed shoes seems to make this guy break out into cold sweats. The guy has more social phobias than Monk (my apologies, Ned, as I am sure you are too old and out of touch to get that witty pop culture reference). But, like Monk, the guy more than makes up for his social awkwardness with pure talent.

Say what you will about Ned Bitters, but the guy knows how to write. Of course, while his witty rants and killer one-liners are enough to keep readers coming back, the most interesting part of reading his columns is watching him struggle with his sexuality week after week. Last week, he was waxing poetic about the skimpy outfits worn by female volleyball players, but last month he was going on and on about the special times he and his “Muddy Buddy” had together. Here’s a quote from that column: “I went to mount … and this was the beginning of my trauma. He is six feet, three inches tall. I am not.” That’s after Bitters made sure to tell us all what incredible shape his partner was in.

So while he may be on the bottle and out of touch with his latent homosexuality, he’s still a hell of a writer and I’m proud to have him on HoboTrashcan. Even if he is kind of an asshole.

That’s the best he could come up with? Has he even read most of the shit I send him, incoherent tripe banged out under a nightly deluge of scotch or gin? Allow me to add a bit more to Editor Joel’s mild critique. He should have said:

The unfunny prick needs to learn the first rule of comedy: Get to the punchline before the second coming. On and on and on he goes. I know there’s supposed to be a joke buried in there somewhere, but by the time I find the damn thing I’m too exhausted from all the digging.

His topics get lamer every week. How hard could it be to pick something that deserves a good skewering, and then go after it with malice? Let me give this overrated thing a shot. “Hey, what’s with these fucking cancer kids getting all this cool shit when they’re about to die? Why the fuck would anyone waste a perfectly good authentic Major League jersey on a kid who is going to be buried in it next month.” See, that wasn’t so hard. And I bet that would hook readers more than a rant about people’s video game skills. Way to help keep the site cutting edge, ramrod.

I’d also like to take this hack’s crowbar and wrap it around his vodka-drenched head. You know, that crowbar he uses to wedge in an SAT vocabulary word every fucking chance he gets. When this guy gets to rambling, things don’t “get worse,” they are “ex-ac-er-ba-ted.” There isn’t a “fire,” there’s a “con-fla-gra-tion.” Let me give you an example of how simpler is better. Ned, aka Mr. Pretentious, might write, “Please embark on a mission to engage in what is basically an anatomically impossible act of auto-copulation, you sphincter controlled terminus of the large intestine.” Or, he could just say it my way: “Go fuck yourself, asshole.”

That’s what Editor Joel should have written, but he’s probably too afraid of offending me and driving me away from the site. Not that my departure would cause a drop in site hits. It’s just that I might go off and get famous by penning a string of bestsellers, and then he’d want to interview me for the site, and he’d call me up directly, and I’d have to say – no, not “Go fuck yourself, asshole” – I’d have to say, “But why me? I’ve never been on The Wire.”

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

• Overrated – Dan Rooney
• Outside of the In-Crowd – “What came first – the music, or the misery?”: Why John Cusack movies cannot cure your suffering
• One on One with Michael Kostroff
• One on One with Santana Moss
• One on One with Fred Smoot