I don’t know if you guys have heard, but the economy seems to be in a bit of a crisis. The DC fat cats are supposed to be the ones who understand and manage this stuff, and they’ve failed. So I’ve decided, as someone who can’t even balance her checkbook, that I will fix this. Hell, last week I saved MTV. I can rock this bitch no problem.
Item 1: Bake sales.
Seriously, who doesn’t like baked goods? Let’s build the nation’s wealth back up via fudge cookies and marble brownies. Some people don’t like chocolate, apparently, and we can’t leave them out of this bailout. For them, we’ll allow lemon bars and various butterscotch items. I for one will be making my famous Subprime-ly Delicious Milky Way cake.
Item 2: Garage sale.
This country has a lot of shit we don’t need. If the Smithsonian and the Baseball Hall of Fame had yard sales, think of how much it would make. Fonzie’s jacket alone could put Lehman Bros. back in business. Next, I think the Shedd Aquarium should follow suit. I would gladly pay like three hundred bucks for a pet manatee. I am not alone in this. Sell enough manatees, save Wall Street. On a similar note, I think Wall Street should sell a lot of their shit to Plato’s Closet. You never get back as much as you think you will, though. Ridiculous.
Item 3: Prostitution.
Hear me out. So, the Wall Street wealth elite have long been a source of angry jealousy and contempt for most of middle America. So now that they need us, I think they should let us pay them to humiliate them. You guys, it doesn’t have to be sexual. I think some of us would just gladly pay fifty bucks to maybe punch one of them, or make him eat a bug. Why’s that so wrong? We could do it in Nevada if people are going to get all wacky and self-righteous about it.
Item 4: Cut Hollywood’s budgets.
Hollywood movies cost millions upon millions of dollars to produce. We should put a cap on how high a movie’s budget can be and use the rest of that money to make the economy better. Clerks cost like $27,000 to make and that movie’s awesome. So let’s be generous and make the cap, say, fifty grand. For Transformers 2, Michael Bay can just buy some toys off eBay and move them around and make pew-pew noises for sound effects. I honestly think that would be a way better movie than any of his other films.
Item 5: McCain could wear Loreal makeup from Walgreens instead of spending $5,000 on makeup artists.
Loreal is good shit. It’s like seven bucks, so it’s not cheap-cheap, just regular-cheap. And in the interest of partisan-fairness, Michelle’s first lady dresses and suits can all come from Forever 21. Jewelry too. That shit lasts. My favorite earrings were seven bucks and I got them six years ago and they’re still going strong. I also wear Loreal blush and it gives me that healthy natural glow a modern woman like me needs.
Item 6: Finding the rainbow connection.
This will not save us money or gain us anything either. But it will make us all really happy. All of us. The lovers, the dreamers, and me too.
Item 7: Wal-Mart could take one day and give all of its proceeds from all of its stores to the economy (yes, the economy is a physical singular tangible entity we can give things to, like a brother or a dog).
This would be beneficial to all parties involved. Wal-Mart would be a hero and everyone would love them and all those who hate and protest the deep discount supergiant would have to shut up for a day because even they would be like: “Wow, that was pretty sweet, Wal-Mart. Thanks.”
Item 8: Did you guys see The Happening? Yeah, something like that.
The Happening was a really terrible movie, but think about it. If all the stores and businesses started emitting some kind of gas that made us violently kill ourselves, we’d totally start spending money like crazy. Said money would circulate, and we’d be back in business. ECONOMY = SAVED.
Item 9: Bring back Lillith Fair.
This has nothing to do with the economy. I just really want Lillith Fair to come back.
Item 10: Tree-houses.
We don’t have a lot of money. You know what we still have a lot of? Wood. People are losing their homes and this is tragic. How do we help? Build everyone tree houses. They’re cheap, they’re adorable, and they’re built up off the ground which protects from dangerous flooding and bears.
You’ll see my logic is infallible. You’ll also see that this is the single dumbest thing you’ll read all day because I’m too depressed about all of this madness to write anything that makes a lick of sense. But seriously though, I think the bake sale thing is a really good idea. You’re welcome. I’ll go get a shitload of lemons and cream cheese, meet me back at my place. Let’s do this.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.