While wide receiver Santana Moss will never be confused for one of the biggest guys on the football field, there’s no doubting the impact he has during a game. When the Washington Redskins need a play late in the fourth quarter, history shows they get the ball into Moss’ hands. And time and time again he delivers. Like he’s famously quoted as saying, “Big time players make big time plays in big time games.”

While Moss may not be big on talking, preferring to let his game speak for him, he was kind enough to spend some time with us looking back at his record-setting college and pro career, dealing with the loss of Sean Taylor and what he looks for in a quarterback.

Where are you originally from and what was your childhood like?

I’m originally from Miami, Florida, and my childhood was great. I experienced it all – the good, the bad and some stuff you don’t want to hear about.

How early did you start playing football and when did you figure out that you were better at this game than most other kids your age?

I started playing on the street for a while, but I didn’t play organized football until I was 12. Mom wouldn’t let me do it until I got a little bit older, but I started playing way earlier than that. I was playing sandlot games with older guys from like the age of six.

Are you naturally athletic, or did you have to work harder to get to the highest level of competition? What other sports, if any, are you good at?

I think I was blessed with everything that I have, I just stayed at it. I just keep fine tuning it. Track was probably my best sport outside of football. I was pretty good at it through high school and college. I was telling the story the other day that I could have been in the Olympic trials one year doing the long jump in track, but I decided to go to football practice instead of going out there. Football was always going to be first.

Do you think if you would have stuck with it we would have seen you competing at the Olympics?

I’m not saying I know would I would have made it, but I’m pretty good at it. So if I would’ve stayed with it, you never know what I could have done.

As everyone knows, you went to the University of Miami. During your college career, you became the first player to earn Big East Offensive and Special Teams Player of the Year honors in the same season, and you set the Hurricanes’ all-time record with 2,546 receiving yards – erasing the record previously held by Michael Irvin. Why did you choose to become a Hurricane and what did you get out of your time at “The U?”

I look at it as the Hurricanes chose me, you know. I was selected to come there on a track scholarship and I feel like there was no better school I could have went to in order to be able to do both things – run track and play football. They gave me the opportunity to come in there on a track scholarship and also play football. They were the best school that gave me an offer. All the other schools were up north and I don’t think I was ready to go away from home yet.

Once I got there, it was hands down, what we went through and how I prepared myself, that’s how I was able to become one of the best receivers that’s come out of there. I just stuck to it, and I had a great class, so we all motivated each other and were able to become one of the best classes to ever come out of there.

Was it even more special being at Miami with it being your hometown team?

Oh yeah. Just not having to leave home for college and always being able to have a home-cooked meal on top of everything that Miami brought to you outside of football, it was lovely.

Who was the most-talented player on the Hurricanes during your time there?

When I was there, man, we had them all. If I were to name them all, you’d be amazed. I can’t pick just one guy out of there. If I had to look back and pick one, I think Ed Reed had the shot to be the most athletic outside of all the guys who were there. He was a safety, but he could do everything.

You were drafted by the New York Jets with the 16th overall pick in the 2001 NFL draft. Talk to me a little bit about what it felt like to hear your name called that day. What was your reaction when you found out you were heading to the Big Apple?

I was happy that I got drafted. I didn’t have no emotion on my face because I grew up not liking the Jets. I used to pick at my wife because her uncle played for the Jets, his name is Marvin Jones. We were dating at the time and I always used to tell her how sorry the Jets was back in college and in high school. Then, I was like, “Man, I should have bit my tongue all these years getting on her about the Jets.” But overall, I was happy I got selected by them and was going to go there and play my hardest.

Was the middle of the first round kind of where you expected to go, and how many times have you given the Redskins front office a hard time for drafting Rod Gardner one spot earlier?

I’ve never brought it up, but I had heard from everyone when I was selected that I was going to be a Redskin. The whole week leading up, they had me circled as going to the Redskins. I think Dan Snyder wanted me to come here too, but when I got the call from the Jets and saw Rod Gardner picked before me, I wasn’t mad or anything. I think Dan Snyder was kind of mad because [Marty] Schottenheimer was the coach and he wanted a bigger receiver, so he picked Rod Gardner instead of me. It’s almost like destiny though because I’m here anyways. I think it was good for me to go away, learn and experience some of the things I experienced and when I got my chance, I’m here now.

How do you look back on your time with the New York Jets?

My memories are great. I went to the playoffs three out of the four years I was there. I broke a couple of records here and there and I was a Pro Bowl alternate twice – two years in a row – once for punt return, one as a receiver. And I was hurt one whole year, my first year, so for me to do all of that stuff in three years, I think it was time well spent. I learned a lot, I grew up a lot and I think it prepared me to be where I’m at now.

In March 2005, you were traded from the Jets to the Washington Redskins straight up for Laveranues Coles. How did the trade come about and what were your thoughts about the Redskins before you arrived in town?

It’s a long story, but I think it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, especially for my career. I don’t even look back on it, I just thank the Lord for the opportunity to come over here and never look back at it.

What were your thoughts on the Redskins before you arrived in town?

I knew they had several players over here who were considered the top at their positions. I was just happy to be over here and be a part of this.

Speaking of 2005, that was a monster year for you, starting with your week two explosion in Dallas on Monday Night Football. We know how much those two touchdowns at the end of the game meant to Redskins fans, but what do they mean to you? Do they rank as some of your favorite memories?

I think they do. When it comes to big games and big moments as far as my NFL career that ranks up there. I look back on it and I always want that kind of start. It seems like right now we’re on our way to having that kind of pace and that kind of start, so I’m hoping to build on it.

You went on to set the Redskins single season record for receiving yards with 1,483, launched your team to the playoffs and earned a trip to the Pro Bowl. How did everything come together so perfectly for you that year?

I just took what they gave me. I took the opportunities of getting the ball the way I have and it was amazing. I hadn’t been in an offense like this – I was out there, but I wasn’t really used to the best of my ability. So, being a part of that, coming here and getting the ball every other down because they knew I could do something with it, it was a blessing just to have the opportunity. One thing I do, whenever I get an opportunity, I never let it slide. I just tried to make sure I capitalized on every opportunity and we just got onto a serious pace and a serious role where we fed off of all the stuff I did and the running game and we just – me and Clinton [Portis] just took it by storm. Me, him, [Chris] Cooley and Mike Sellers – those guys, we just had that offense in our hands and we just ran with it.

Fast forward to last year, and things didn’t go nearly as smoothly for you. A series of nagging injuries slowed you down on the field and then there was the Sean Taylor tragedy off the field. How tough was 2007 for you, and how did you personally deal with losing such a close friend?

You know it’s tough. Every year don’t always add up to be the same. You go through trials and tribulations, but you got to learn how to live and live through those things. That’s what makes you better as a man. I feel like obstacles are always going to come and tragedies are always going to come, but it’s up to you to handle them. You have to know how to deal with it and put it behind you, but at the same time never forget it. That’s what I’ve done. You know how that felt going through it and you just try to build off of it because you don’t want that feeling anymore.

You mentioned during training camp that you did some mixed martial arts training this past offseason. First of all, do you think it helped you, and if so, could you see more NFL players trying it out? And secondly, was that the most unique type of training you’ve participated in during your professional career?

I don’t know if it’s something for everyone to do. I did it because I was so used to working out every year and I wasn’t working out at the time, so I needed something to do. I did it to benefit from workout out instead of sitting around the house like a couch potato. It helped me a lot, keeping my core strong and keeping my wind, for when I got out here and started running around and stuff. There’s guys that have probably been playing this sport longer than me that have been doing it before me, that’s one of the reasons I got the idea. I heard of guys doing different things like boxing, martial arts and swimming just to do something other than football as far as training.

Is that the most unique offseason training you’ve ever done?

Yes, by far. Usually it’s just all football, all summer. Maybe I go running or something. This was the first time I’ve done something out of this world – doing something I never grew up thinking I’d be a part of. But over the years watching people play that sport or whatever, it became interesting to me.

During your time with the Washington Redskins, you’ve caught touchdown passes from Mark Brunell, Patrick Ramsey, Todd Collins and Jason Campbell. What traits do you personally look for in a quarterback?

Just get me the ball. (Laughs)

I don’t want nothing from them more than putting it in a spot where I can do something with it. That’s all I can ask for.

How tough is it to catch a deep pass 40 or 50 yards downfield?

Honestly, it’s tough. But when you do it for so many years, do it for so long, it’s exciting – especially when you can just get it and get in the endzone. You look forward to the opportunity and just take it from there.

What’s the biggest difference between Joe Gibbs and Jim Zorn?

It’s still too early to be judged. The offenses are way different, you know. We’re a pass happy and a run happy team. There’s going to be a lot of opportunities. I feel like you won’t be able to compare the differences until it’s all said and done.

How would you describe your friendship with Clinton Portis? You two seem like polar opposites, with you staying relatively quiet, while he’s never afraid to speak his mind.

Clinton’s going to be Clinton. I feel like we’ve known each other long enough, so you know what he’s going to bring to the table and what I’m going to bring to the table. However he does his, he does his and I does mine the way I does mine. We just know each other best because we’ve known each other and played together for such a long time. There’s lots of guys who can be friends, and be different. That’s one of the reasons we’re cool is because we respect each other for who we are and don’t worry about what we’re not.

What goes through your mind when you hear that your teammate Chris Cooley took a photo of a page from the playbook and accidentally posted a revealing photo of himself on his blog?

It’s something that I don’t really care too much to talk about because it wasn’t me. It’s something that don’t do nothing for me. He said it was a mistake, so it was a mistake. I think a lot of stuff gets blown out of proportion this day and age, so I just wish for the best for him and wish it don’t go no further.

Speaking of Cooley, you and several other Redskins players are involved in a fantasy football league. What do you know about fantasy football?

I don’t know much about it. I just do it and I’m learning on the go with it. I look forward to seeing the guys I picked get off.

What can fantasy football owners expect from Santana Moss this season?

I mean, I’m just going to do my thing, man. I don’t talk about it. I just let it happen.

Interviewed by Brian Murphy. To see our previous interviews with Washington Redskins players, click here.

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Brian Murphy

The New York Yankees said goodbye to hallowed Yankees Stadium by missing the playoffs for the first time in what seems like decades. The Tampa Bay [Don’t Call Me Devil] Rays are in the postseason for seemingly the first time ever. I’m not even allowed to mention the Chicago Cubs because one word and they might realize they haven’t collapsed yet.

In football, the mighty, mighty New England Patriots got waxed by the Miami Dolphins, who have been the league’s doormat the last two years, thanks to a gimmick offense that thoroughly confused the Pats and their supposedly genius head coach. Powerhouses like the Indianapolis Colts, the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Pittsburgh Steelers and the San Diego Chargers all look very flawed and beatable. Ohio and Missouri residents are on death watch after the St. Louis Rams, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and the Cleveland Browns are a combined 0-12.

So what do I want to focus my column on this week? A reality TV show, of course.

Country Music Television, the channel that brought you My Big Redneck Wedding, strikes again, this time with a can’t miss hit called Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling set to debut Oct. 18.

The premise is fairly simple – take famous people and attempt to turn them into professional wrestlers. If Ric Flair can wrestle at the age of 917, then surely whoever Hollywood picks off the boulevard can at least fill his shoes, right? I mean, everyone knows wrestling is fake and the matches are predetermined, so why even tune in?

Here’s why – while companies like World Wrestling Entertainment do, in fact, script whether Triple H gets to keep the belt when he goes up against John Cena at Wrestlemania, they still have to get in the ring and put on a show. Wrestlers might learn how to fall in a way to absorb the impact and minimize damage, but last time I checked falling on your head still hurts. Getting powerbombed through a table still leaves a mark. And just ask me brother what it feels like to get hit upside the head with a chair. Lord knows the poor bastard should have brain damage the way I used to torture him growing up.

So needless to say, the idea of watching someone take Screech to the woodshed for trying to single-handedly kill the Internet by releasing a sex tape is immensely enjoyable. The mere thought that Dennis Rodman might botch a top-rope maneuver and spend the rest of his days drinking his meals through a straw sends me to my happy place and while Tiffany might not have done anything to upset me, she does, on a larger scale, represent shitty bubblegum music. That’s reason enough to crack open a cold one the first time someone stomps a mudhole or opens up a can of whoop-ass on her.

Here’s what CMT has to say about their upcoming juggernaut:

Ten brave celebrities come together to learn, train and compete in competitive wrestling while being eliminated one by one each week based on judges’ selections and head-to-head matches with one another. World champion wrestler Hulk Hogan, former president of World Championship Wrestling Eric Bischoff and professional wrestling manager Jimmy Hart judge the celebrities on their performances throughout various challenges which include mastering complex wrestling moves, trash talk to intimidate the opponent and working a live audience. On the road to transforming them into wrestlers, the cast will be coached by former professional wrestlers Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake and Brian Knobbs.

The Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling cast includes:

• Danny Bonaduce – television and radio host, reality star and actor The Partridge Family

• Todd Bridges – television personality, actor Different Strokes
• ButterBean – super-heavyweight boxer
• Trishelle Cannatella – television personality, reality star Real World: Las Vegas
• Dustin Diamond – television personality, actor Saved by the Bell
• Erin Murphy – television personality, actress Bewitched
• Dennis Rodman – five-time NBA champion
• Frank Stallone – actor, singer, Sylvester Stallone’s brother
• Tiffany – chart-topping ’80s pop singer
• Nikki Ziering – actress, Playboy playmate

The celebrities will be faced with exhausting challenges and elimination matches that will lead up to the heart-pounding finale that will determine the winner. The contestants will be divided into two teams, then taught the same set of moves to create the most exciting wrestling match against one another in an attempt to win over the judges and a live audience. Hogan, 12-time world champion, will be just as tough on the cast as he was on his challengers in a match, and each week the celebrity who doesn’t bring their A-game will be thrown out of the ring. Ultimately only one will become the celebrity all-star wrestling champion.

Seriously, what’s not to love? I haven’t watched wrestling in years, but this is enough to get me to tune in, just to see celebrities get their asses kicked and there’s always the off chance that a former WWF wrestler finds his way onto the show in hopes of becoming semi-relevant again. So whose the favorite coming into the show?

Right away we can eliminate all four of the female contestants. Can you see the show handing a former 80’s pop singer their championship belt in season one? Neither can I, so Tiffany is out. Cannatella spends too much time on her back to actually mount any offense, so she’s done. Ziering gets paid to stand around and look pretty, not to actually do any heavy lifting, so she’s only to be viewed as eye candy. Murphy is 44 and learning wrestling for the first time. Nuff’ said.

Bonaduce, Diamond and Bridges might have a chance, if for no other reason than they’ve all participated in similar degrading reality TV. All three won their bouts on Fox’s Celebrity Boxing, so all three are capable challengers. Stallone is a black-sheep brother, so he’s got to have some built in rage. Rodman has actually done this before, playing a part-time sidekick to Hogan and the N.W.O. guys back when WCW still existed.

But honestly, there’s only one way this can end, and that’s with ButterBean victorious. I mean, have you seen the YouTube clip of him annihilating Bart Gunn at WrestleMania? He’s going to hit Screech so hard Kelly Kapowski is going to feel his pain. And this time, there’s no chance he’ll be … wait for it … saved by the bell.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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Joel Murphy

As you should all know by now, I am on an epic quest to seek out shows I wouldn’t normally watch and give them one chance to impress me.

The past two weeks, I have reviewed The CW’s teen dramas, 90210 and Gossip Girl. While the majority of The CW’s lineup would fall under the category of “shows I wouldn’t normally watch,” I don’t want it to seem like I am picking on one particular network or genre. So, this week I decided to branch out and try an action-packed drama – Fox’s Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

You would think that I would have given this show a try by now. I enjoyed all of the Terminator films on a purely visceral level and their message – that one day robots will become sentient beings who will seek to enslave us all – is an important one that I think is worth focusing on.

However, the entire Terminator story has only gotten more convoluted and ridiculous with each subsequent incarnation. The initial movie made sense – the robots use a time machine to send one of their own back to destroy John Connor’s mother before Connor was ever born. After that plan was thwarted, they continued to send back more advanced robots at different points in Sarah and John Connor’s lives. But if they have a time machine and the first plot failed – why not just keep sending robots back until you get the job done? Send 1,000 of them back to kill pregnant Sarah Connor and call it a day. Robots strike me as efficient beings – so why wouldn’t they stick with the original plan and make sure the job is done right?

I tolerated this lapse in logic through three enjoyable films, but somehow the idea of a weekly TV series just seemed too much to take. Besides, what is a Terminator story without Arnold Schwarzenegger? His acting and dialogue is so ridiculous that it distracts you from any plotholes. Without him, the whole thing just doesn’t work.

But the whole point of this “One Shot” feature is to expand my horizons. So, with that in mind, I decided to give The Sarah Connor Chronicles a try …

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – “The Mousetrap”
(Fox – Mondays at 8 p.m.)

The episode opens with Johnny Gavin from Rescue Me and Penny Widmore from Lost together at a gas station. Apparently in this show they are married to each other (don’t tell Desmond, brother). Johnny Gavin leaves Penny alone in their car. A Terminator seizes the opportunity and kidnaps her.

Meanwhile, John Connor is helping a bitchy pregnant chick get free cable. He gets her cable working just in time to see a conveniently-placed news story that is recapping events from a previous episode of the show. Apparently, the Terminator who kidnapped Penny designed himself to look just like an actor who was in a terrible low-budget knockoff of Conan the Barbarian (not sure why he wouldn’t just model himself after the real Conan the Barbarian, Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I digress …). The Terminator killed 20 FBI agents, but everyone thinks that the actor did it. The news report also states that the actor was killed during the standoff with the FBI.

We then see Summer Glau, who is standing in the Connor household explaining to John that the house is slowly sinking. She is apparently a reprogrammed Terminator sent back to protect John. Glau plays the role almost exactly like she played River Tam in Firefly and Serenity, which works since River Tam was also a programmed killing machine.

Johnny Gavin gets in touch with the Connors to let Sarah know that Penny has been kidnapped. Sarah Connor agrees to help him, even though she knows they are walking into a trap. Sarah tells River Tam-inator to keep an eye on John, who is heading out to pick up new computers. Ms. Connor runs into Brian Austin Green on her way to her car and he offers to come along with her to save Penny.

River Tam-inator

John and River Tam-inator load their computers into the back of his truck. Then, some random blonde girl calls John and tells him she wants to see him. He decides he doesn’t want River Tam-inator to cock-block him, so he sneaks off when she isn’t looking (because leaving behind the only person who can protect him so that he can try to get to third base with a random blonde while a Terminator is setting a trap for everyone will turn out to be a great idea).

We see Penny Widmore tied to a chair inside a run-down shack. The Terminator plays with an actual mousetrap, for those of you who like your symbolism as blunt as possible.

Garbage frontwoman Shirley Manson calls an FBI agent and invites him to lunch. She tells him that she has information about the showdown between the dead actor and the 20 slaughtered FBI agents.

Penny Widmore manages to grab her cellphone. She calls Johnny Gavin and gives him her location. He quizzes her about their sex life to make sure that it’s actually her and not a Terminator imitating her voice. After proving that she isn’t a robot, she quickly hangs up the cellphone because the Terminator reenters the room. Terminator then goes into a speech about the inventor of the mousetrap while setting mousetraps up around her chair – Dude, we get it. You named the episode “The Mousetrap.” Mousetraps are symbolic. Sarah Connor and friends are walking into a trap – one that involves drawing them out to this location so that the Terminator can go after John Connor. I think that became pretty clear as soon as John ditched River Tam-inator to go out on a date. You can stop beating us over the head with it.

Random blonde chick and John Connor exchange supposedly witty banter about magazine titles. She begins calling him “Cat Fancy,” which he seems to enjoy. Wow, is this really the guy that is going to save us all from the evil robots?

Brian Austin Green does an incredibly unconvincing job trying to portray himself as a badass soldier. Sarah Connor and Johnny Gavin find Penny Widmore and find that the Terminator has used – you guessed it – mousetraps to build a makeshift bomb around her chair. Only it’s not really a bomb, it’s a decoy to distract them. We covered this two paragraphs ago – this was all just a clever ruse to draw them all out of hiding and to isolate John Connor.

He makes an unconvincing soldier

Sarah Connor calls John and tries to warn him about the trap. The Terminator listens in on the call, which gives him John’s cell number and the password the gang uses when calling each other. The Terminator then disables Sarah’s car and blows up the cell tower so that she can’t get back in touch with John. Then, the Terminator mimics Sarah’s voice and calls John, telling him to come to the pier.

Penny Widmore caught a piece of shrapnel from the blown cell tower in her back and is bleeding profusely. Sarah, being the heartless bitch she is, tells Penny that she “ain’t got time to bleed” and orders everyone to get on the move so that they can go save John.

Shirley Manson meets with the FBI agent and quickly convinces him that she is no “stupid girl” and while many believe that she’s “only happy when it rains,” she will in fact only be happy when she gets her hand on a Terminator so that she can replicate the technology for her own personal gain. She wants the FBI agent to help her get one.

Sarah Connor hijacks a van and drives at breakneck speed to save John. Johhny Gavin begs Sarah to slow down because her driving is making things worse for Penny. Sarah eventually slams on the brakes, but it’s too late – Penny is losing too much blood and is fading fast.

The Terminator quickly spots John Connor at the pier and chases him around (cue the Benny Hill theme song). John eventually dives off the pier into the water; the Terminator jumps in after him. Apparently, Terminators haven’t been programmed to swim, so the robot quickly sinks to the bottom of the water, allowing John to escape rather easily. (Hindsight says maybe tricking John into coming to a place surrounded by water when you can’t swim wasn’t the brightest move, Terminator.)

Johnny Gavin cries outside of a hospital. John Connor tries to comfort him. Then, we cut to Penny Widmore’s funeral. Gavin tosses his Bible into the open grave. The Terminator, looking rather stylish, watches the entire funeral from a distance.

Final Thoughts: The show wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. It moved along swiftly and kept my attention the whole time. Whoever hired Brian Austin Green as a soldier should immediately be fired, but other than that, the cast did a good job, especially Summer Glau.

I might be willing to give this show another try, however part of me is worried that week after week of John getting chased by a Terminator only to escape at the last minute could get really old really quick. Hopefully the other episodes of the show mix up the plot a bit more – this week’s storyline seemed a bit predictable and cookie cutter.

So it’s hard to say for sure whether or not … I’ll be back.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Wednesday we empty out our Recycle Bin, which means we take one of the entertaining sites or videos people have forwarded to us and share them with you.

We aren’t sure exactly how to describe il mondo del Fubbs, except to say that it is one of the most unique and interesting ways to kill time we’ve ever come across. When the site loads, a curtain opens up revealing a table with a box sitting on top of it. Various icons scroll from right to left across the box; each icon, when clicked, loads a different interactive scene.

Ned Bitters

This week’s inductee into the “Overrated Hall of Fame” is … Al Pacino.

Now, the man does deserve his mega-props for creating one of the screen’s most memorable characters, Michael Corleone. His work in the first two Godfather films remains a stunning tour-de-force of acting. Every single word or facial expression has purpose. You never see Al Pacino. Michael Corleone is a real person to anyone who has watched the movie over and over, and that is a testament to Pacino’s genius in that role.

I’ll also acknowledge the acting clinic he put on with his Dog Day Afternoon performance. Every time I watch that movie, I am mesmerized by the consistency of his character, the mega-stressed, bank robbery-botching Sonny. From beginning to end, his nervousness and barely-in-control anxiety are palpable. How in the hell did he channel the same frazzled Sonny every day? It’s one of the finest acting jobs ever put to film.

But since those early 70s performances, I can think of only one other great role by “one of America’s greatest actors of all time.” (I’d cite that quote, but there are too many instances of its use for me to worry about it.) He turned in a scintillating performance as the unctuous, trench-mouthed Ricky Roma in the sublime Glengarry Glen Ross. It’s the only other movie where I forget that he’s Al Pacino, and I get lost in the verbal stylings of the curse-spewing, olive oil smooth, real estate peddling Ricky Roma. You’ve never seen it? Netflix it today. Call me if you can think of another actor who has delivered a more delicious use of the words “fuck,” “fairy” and “cunt.” By the time that movie is over, I want to know Ricky Roma. I want to get rooked in a real estate deal by Ricky Roma. I want to be called a “stupid fucking cunt” by Ricky Roma.

But once you get past those three classic performances, it’s either munch-munch-munch on the scenery, or it’s “Look at me act, now. Watch me play the understated, tired, world-weary, pensive middle-aged man. Check out this technique!” I either cringe or nod off when I watch his other work.

Let’s start with the overacting. Scarface is a joke. I understand that the character’s excesses are symbolic of the high-flying greedfest that was the 80s, but I don’t think Pacino went over the top with that role on purpose. Along with all the verbal thrashing and screaming, he changes his accent every fourth line. He seems to move from Spanish to Portuguese to Italian to … I swear, in one scene he breaks into a Pakistani voice. Both the movie and his performance aren’t very good. It appeals to knuckleheads, mainly. Need proof? In the school where I work, many of the dumbest teenagers today walk around with Tony Montana shirts, thinking it’s gangsta.

But Pacino’s Tony Montana seems almost sedate if compared to his embarrassingly burst-through-the screen turn as the blind ex-Marine in Scent of a Woman, an unwatchable piece of dreck with bad acting and a stupid message. (“You signed an honor code, kid? Fuck it. Break it to cover for a buddy. Even though it goes against everything this career Marine stands for, blow it off.”) Every famous actor eventually takes his gimp role, and this was Pacino’s. Gee, what a bravura performance, what with all that straight-ahead, look-how-blind-I-am staring. In his pathetic grasp for the Oscar he was robbed out of for the Godfathers I and II, he not only took the gimp role, he included a surefire Oscar-attention-grabbing catchphrase, in this case the insanely irritating and oft-imitated “Hoo-haaaahhhh!” I’m surprised he didn’t go for the slamdunk Oscar trifecta and die before the Oscar vote.

The roles in which he didn’t holler and wail for two hours weren’t much better. Heat, Carlito’s Way and Insomnia were examples of the “Watch Me Act” method of acting. I don’t see a character when I watch those movies. I see Al Pacino saying, “This is how it’s done. See how less is more? See how little it takes to show and say so much?” At least that’s what I see before I nod off.

At least those movies were decent, which is more than can be said for disasters like The Devil’s Advocate, Two Bits and Any Given Sunday. Donnie Brasco was saved by Johnny Depp, as are most movies that star Johnny Depp.

I’m sure his latest movie, in which he is paired with Robert DeNiro, another aging legend who has been phoning it in for years, is a mess. Even the trailers, which I saw four or five times, couldn’t make that movie enticing.

The funny thing is that, despite my dismissive put-down of his highly lucrative career, I really like Al Pacino. It’s not like his acting makes me want to punch him in the face through the screen every time I see him try to pass off a contorted face, some loud screams and a few hands run through the hair as acting. That’s Sean Penn. Maybe he peaked artistically too soon, like Brando, who lived off of On the Waterfront fumes for 30 years.

I’d be willing to tell this to Big Al’s face, but I wouldn’t do it to hurt his feelings. It would just make my life to have him listen, pause, then say, a la Ricky Roma, “You stupid fucking cunt.”

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.

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