Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

As I mentioned last week, I’ve been having some trouble coming up with a good Halloween costume. Frankly, people were getting tired of me dressing like a hobo every year and my idea to dress up like a can of soup didn’t really go over any better with everyone here at Hobo Headquarters.

I thought about dressing up as a sexy cheerleader, but then I read Courtney Enlow’s column and realized she would look down on me if I did that. Then I thought about breaking out one of Clinton Portis’ classic characters like Southeast Jerome or Coach Janky Spanky, but after reading Ned Bitters attack on the NFL’s drug policy and Brian Murphy claim that the fate of the election rests on the shoulders of the Washington Redskins, I thought it was best to avoid sports costumes.

So I was truly at a loss for what to do. Then I came across a photo online and suddenly I knew what to do. This year I’ve decided to adopt a small child so that I can go as a chef who is carrying around a delicious lobster baby.

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Murphy’s Law – It’s time for a change
This Sunday, we will all set our clocks back an hour, officially bringing an end to Daylight Saving Time. But Joel Murphy thinks it’s time for a change – it’s time to stop setting our clocks back every fall and moving them forward every spring. Murphy believes we should keep Daylight Saving Time in place year-round.

Note to Self – No we can’t
Celebrities, pundits and political wonks have been telling you that you need to get out and vote next Tuesday because your vote can make a difference. Brian Murphy disagrees. He believes that this presidential race will be decided by the Washington Redskins and the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Outside of the In-Crowd – I am judging you for being dressed like a whore
While Courtney Enlow would love to embrace a holiday that is devoted to wearing silly costumes and getting free candy, she can’t help but get upset whenever she sees a trashy girl in a slutty nurse, slutty pirate wench or slutty bee costume. So this week, Enlow has no choice but to “go Ned Bitters all over your face.”

Overrated – The NFL’s drug policy
No one can really argue that the NFL’s policy banning their players from using steroids and illegal drugs is a bad thing … no one except Ned Bitters, that is. Bitters believes that it is hypocritical for the league to come down on illegal substances when players are popping pain pills and chugging alcohol.

Also make sure to check out our Hobo Radio Podcast, as well as an all-new From the Vault and Recyclables.

Happy Halloween,

- Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap is also available as an email newsletter. To sign up for the newsletter to ensure you never miss an update, send an email to newsletter-subscribe@hobotrashcan.com.

• Introduction
• Political discussion
• “A Few Honest Words (Remix)” by Ben Sollee feat. DJ 2nd Nature

Week 67 Spotlight: The Old Man and the Socialist

In past years, those looking to be scared on Halloween might pop in a DVD of their favorite vampire or zombie movie. This year, however, if you want to be scared, all you need to do is turn on CNN or MSNBC and watch the stories about our failing economy or the never-ending War in Iraq.

While the United States can be a very scary place these days, a change is coming. In four days, America will elect a new president – either Barack Obama or John McCain (sorry Ron Paul and Ralph Nader fans). In order to make sense of all that has happened in this year’s election, Joel Murphy is joined this week by HoboTrashcan’s senior political adviser – Bubby.

Does Barack Obama have this election wrapped up? What will happen to the Republican Party (and Sarah Palin) if McCain loses? Since Lars has the week off, will Joel actually go a whole show without mentioning Batman? The answers to these questions and more are in this week’s podcast.

Hobo Radio is the official podcast of HoboTrashcan, brought to you by The Podcast Network.

[Editor's Note: As a special bonus, here is the video for the song we played on this week's show ...]

Similar Posts:

• Hobo Radio – If you smell what Barack is cooking
• Outside of the In-Crowd – Courtney throws a political/relationshipital tantrum
• Outside of the In-Crowd – Vote or die … unless you shouldn’t
• Note to Self – No we can’t
• Murphy’s Law – Thing will never be the same

 

 Hobo Radio 67 - The Old Man and the Socialist [73:58m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Brian Murphy

I know we’re less than a week away from officially replacing George W. Bush, and that news alone is enough to give folks reason to smile during these not-so-rosy days, but there’s something I feel obligated to remind people.

Your vote doesn’t count. I’m sorry to break it to you, but that’s just the way it is.

Sure, all these college kids are excited to “make a difference” for the first time in their life and are happily forwarding emails claiming that in 1824 some guy won some election by one vote. Yeah, that’s all nonsense. Your vote means as much as one diet pill being shoved down the gullet of our overly obese society.

“Um … why doesn’t our vote matter?” asked the pimply-faced college kid going door to door in my neighborhood last week.

“Because the results will already be determined by the time Tuesday morning rolls around,” I tried to explain to the obviously confused poor soul who could do nothing but give me a blank stare for my troubles.

The Washington Redskins have determined who will win every presidential election since 1936. Well, except four years ago, but we’ll get to that in a moment. Not counting 2004, the Redskins have correctly predicted who would win 15 straight presidential elections. If the ‘Skins win their last home game before the election, then the incumbent party remains in office. If they lose, then the incumbent party loses. It’s really that simply.

You don’t need to go stand in line for hours just to pull some lever for some guy you really hope might reside in the White House over the next four years. No, just tune in Monday night when the Pittsburgh Steelers come to town to take on the Redskins. If the Steelers win, Barack Obama wins. If the ‘Skins win, it’s John McCain-Sarah Palin time.

So I know you’re wondering – what happened four years ago? How did a tried and true formula go wrong? That’s why I’m here for you. Gather ‘round for story time.

The Washington Redskins hosted the Green Bay Packers at FedEx Field Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004. It was an evenly-matched battle between two middle-of-the-pack NFC teams. Here’s the lede from Associated Press article on the game:

Clinton Portis celebrated the apparent winning touchdown with a leap into the end zone, capping a 43-yard reception that gave the Redskins a one-point lead with 2:35 to play.

Oops. Scratch that. Flag on the play.

Receiver James Thrash was whistled for illegal motion, a call Thrash didn’t understand and one that Washington coach Joe Gibbs called “an absolute mystery.”

On the very next play, Packers cornerback Al Harris intercepted Redskins quarterback Mark Brunell and Green Bay won. But here’s the story within the story – referee Tom White and his crew had clearly had enough after four years of George W., and tried to take matters into their own hands. Even though there was no penalty on the play, in their minds they needed to take action to ensure “the Bush stopped here.”

There’s just one problem – the football gods would never sit idle while cheaters prosper. So Bush was re-elected and we’ve been treated to more war, more embarrassment and another depression. Thank you Tom White, you dickhole.

One good thing did come out of this though – the football gods officially decided it was time to take back the game once and for all, which is why, in 2006, they sent us a Terminator by the name of Roger Goodell. Since he’s settled into the role of NFL commissioner, Goodell has ruled with a much-needed iron first. Where Paul Tagliabue was content to let teams like the Dallas Cowboys and Cincinnati Bengals collect thugs, assholes and convicts, Goodell is the man willing to hold both the teams and the players accountable for stupid actions.

Throw out a couple heavy fines and suspensions around and suddenly the divas and drama queens think twice before driving drunk or slapping their girlfriends around. Look at just last week – the Steelers took it upon themselves to bench wide out Santonio Holmes because he was caught driving around town with weed out in the open. In Cleveland, the Browns took action against tight end Kellen Winslow II and benched him after making critical comments about the organization to the media. In Kansas City, the Chiefs sat running back Larry Johnson after word got out that he assaulted a woman in a nightclub.

Do you realize how long overdue this was? I mean, Michael Irvin stabbed a teammate in the neck with a pair of scissors because he wanted to get his hair cut faster. Needless to say, the Dallas Cowboys of the 90’s couldn’t have even fielded a team under Goodell. Now, owner Jerry Jones can collect parolees like “Pacman” Jones, Tank Johnson and friends, but both the team and the players have been told, in no uncertain terms, if anyone screws up, then everyone pays.

Which brings us back to the election. Everyone has paid for four brutal years. It’s time for a fresh start, one way or the other. So the football gods will once again let the Washington Redskins determine who wins the White House. Let’s just hope the mere mortals involved with the game don’t do anything else to upset them.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Similar Posts:

• Outside of the In-Crowd – Vote or die … unless you shouldn’t
• Hobo Radio 67 – The Old Man and the Socialist
• Note to Self – No controversy
• Outside of the In-Crowd – Courtney throws a political/relationshipital tantrum
• Hobo Radio – If you smell what Barack is cooking

Joel Murphy

Imagine if every evening in the fall, after a long day of work, you stepped outside of your office and someone jumped out from behind the bushes and kicked you in the nuts.

Then, as you rolled around on the sidewalk, writhing in pain and fighting back tears, you managed to look up at your attacker and say, “Why? Why would you do that?”

He simply looks down at you and says, “Because that’s the way we’ve always done things.”

Well I have news for you, my friends – that does happen every fall (metaphorically) and it’s going to start happening again next week. This daily metaphorical kick to the beanbag will happen once we set our clocks back one hour, officially ending Daylight Saving Time.

Starting next Monday, when I leave work at 5 p.m. (a time I assume many of you are also leaving your offices), it will be dark outside. I will be forced to cross four lanes of traffic as I walk down to my bus stop each and every day, keeping my fingers crossed that I don’t get hit by a car or mugged … or hit by a car and then mugged by the driver.

Since I am not a fan of being mugged or being struck by vehicles, I am also not a big fan of setting the clocks back. My question to you, dear readers, is why the fuck do we do it? What is the point of forcing us all, after a hard day of work, to head home in the dark, when the lack of sunlight does nothing more than reminds us all just how miserable our lives really are?

More importantly, why do we move the clocks back and forth in the first place?

One of the earliest time changing pioneers was Benjamin Franklin, who suggested in a satire in 1784 that people could save candles by waking up an hour earlier (the idea most likely formed during one of his many drug and hooker-filled benders). However, the concept of Daylight Saving Time didn’t begin to officially take shape until British builder William Willett came up with the idea in 1905.

The United States first implemented the policy in 1918 to save energy during World War I. They then brought back Daylight Saving Time for three years during World War II. However, there was never an official DST policy in place until 1966, when Congress passed the Uniform Time Act.

Originally, Daylight Saving Time in America began the first Sunday in April and ended the last Sunday in October. However, due to the Energy Policy Act of 2005, starting last year DST now begins the second Sunday in March and ends the first Sunday in November. The hope is that the move will conserve electricity and save an estimated 300,000 barrels of oil a year.

So if adding an extra month of Daylight Saving Time is conserving energy and saving that much oil, why not keep Daylight Saving Time year-round? That way we wouldn’t have to worry about changing our clocks twice a year (which is never fun and inevitably one of you out there always forgets to do it and feels like an asshole the next day when you are either an hour early or an hour late for everything). And, as previously mentioned, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting stabbed on my way home from work. That is what we call a “win-win.”

So why haven’t we shifted to Daylight Saving Time year-round already? Well, there were several groups who lobbied against the extension of Daylight Saving Time when the Energy Policy Act of 2005 was before Congress. Airlines were concerned about the cost of adjusting their schedules to accommodate the extension of DST and computer companies were worried about the implications the change would have on their software. If we did shift to year-round Daylight Saving Time, these two groups would have a one-time inconvenience adapting to the new schedule, but would be fine in the long run.

However, there are two other groups that are not as easily dealt with.

Many farmers were upset by the change in Daylight Saving Time. In fact, farmers have opposed Daylight Saving Time since its inception. However, farmers can set their own schedules, so they can simply adjust to a time change.

Parents’ groups were concerned about how extending Daylight Saving Time would affect the children. They worried that having children leave for school while it is still dark out could be dangerous. However, I disagree. Hours of staring at a TV screen playing darkly-lit games like Gears of War and Resident Evil has most likely helped America’s children develop a bat-like ability to detect threats in the dark, so I’m sure they will be fine.

So let’s make this happen. Write to Congress and demand that they keep Daylight Saving Time in place all year. (Everything else in this country is running so smoothly, I’m pretty sure Congress has the time to address this problem.) Together, you and I can make a difference. Together, we can keep that asshole lurking behind the bushes from kicking us in our naughty-bits.

Yes we can.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go load up on mace and bright-colored clothing so that I’m prepared for my trip home.

Random Thought of the Week:
I was planning on watching a bunch of the old Hellraiser or Nightmare on Elm Street movies on Friday to get into the Halloween spirit, but I think instead I will watch something truly terrifying – that Axe Body Spray commercial featuring the Chocolate Man with the dead eyes who is ripped apart by beautiful women.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

• Murphy’s Law – Hero worship

Wednesday we empty out our Recycle Bin, which means we take one of the entertaining sites or videos people have forwarded to us and share them with you.

Once upon a time, there was a great network that showed music videos all the time. Then, an evil sorcerer cast a spell on the network and suddenly the music videos were replaced with horrible reality programming. It seemed like all was lost. But then, a handsome prince was able to save the videos and make them available to all of the townspeople once more – and that handsome prince was The Internet.

That’s right, thanks to the power of the Internet, we can all once again remember the glory days of MTV and watch videos any time we want. All of the great videos from the 80s (as well as modern videos) are now available at MTVMusic.com (a name that is repetitive, but sadly necessary now that MTV is no longer synonymous with music), including the Michael Jackson classic “Thriller,” which you can watch above.