Man this shitshow’s been going on for a long time, amirite?
I was a child when this all started. And now, I am a bitter jaded old hag. Ayers, ACORN, abortion rights, Alaska (to be said “Alayaska”), al Qaeda (to rarely, if ever, be mentioned by the people who actually want us to stay in the damn war) and that’s just the A’s. And only a few of them at that.
I could tell you how much I’ve learned this election year. How I naively thought racism wasn’t as prevalent as it used to be and how unfortunately I’ve learned otherwise. How stupid and close-minded I’ve discovered people can be. Just how volatile people can become about their political leanings and just how hard people can cling to, as Obama so correctly said, “God and guns.”
But that would be depressing. I don’t want to be depressing. I want to be educational. I want, if nothing else, for you to get your learn on. That is why I’ve chosen to take this time to teach you something. And that something? Whether or not you are allowed to vote.
Look, I’ve read the Constitution (most of it … many parts) and I know that if you are over 18 years old and a US citizen and are registered, you are allowed to vote. That said, I’m not the Constitution and I have developed some rules for any and all party affiliations that I think can really help get the election cycle streamlined.
You are not allowed to vote if …
1. You are not registered
Easy and obvious enough. That said, this one goes a bit deeper, as I have also decided that if you are not registered, you are additionally no longer allowed to say things or have opinions because yours probably don’t matter.
2. You are only voting for someone because someone else is
Let me explain. Something I’ve sadly noticed in the past few years is the phenomenon of people having very strong feelings toward a party or candidate which are entirely based on other people’s opinions. And these feelings are not based upon the opinions of educated journalists or political figures. Rather, these opinions are entirely based upon significant others or parents. And it’s not gender-specific, it happens to both, but it bothers me most when it’s women. LADIES. You are ruining the movement and I will quickly and forcibly movement my hand across your face. Get out of the kitchen, put down the iron and get into 2008.
3. You believe Obama is a Muslim (or the anti-Christ, but so help me, I cannot let myself believe there’s many of those out there)
There was a study done recently that found people who identify as more politically conservative tend to hold stronger to lies after they’ve been debunked. I’m not saying I necessarily agree, I’m just saying. Using that logic, it makes sense that there are still a number of people out there who will not let go of this whole Muslim thing. Now A) you cannot have both the Rev. Wright argument and the Muslim thing. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. And B) you’re a fucking racist. I hate to be the one to have to tell you, but it’s best you know now. I could go on and on about what Islam is really about and how there’s over a billion Muslims who are wonderful people and don’t fly planes into buildings and how there are just as many dangerous Christians as there are dangerous Muslims, but you’re probably really busy ironing your conical white mask and robes, so I’ll leave you be.
4. You only get your information from The Huffington Post
See? I’m so fair and balanced.
5. You get any of your information from Fox News
And there goes my balanced fairness. Damn you, Hannity!
6. You are only “liberal” in the sense that you like totally want weed legal, man
I believe it was Gandhi who once said “no [I don’t smoke weed] because I’m not in seventh grade and I have things to do.” Gandhi was a great man.
I seem to have gotten Ghandi confused with Daniel Tosh. Again. It happens more than you think.
7. You are not allowed to vote if you have said at any point that someone who disagrees with your opinion is “drinking the Kool Aid.”
Because you’re a dick and unoriginal AND it’s pretty much not cool to compare someone’s opinion to a mass suicide AND AND AND! I like Kool Aid.
8. You are mourning the loss of David Tennant as The Doctor
For this, it’s not a matter of not being allowed to. It’s just I think that if I called in sick from voting, they’d understand. How can a person vote when they’re this devastated, I mean really? I spent a large part of this week watching 10th Doctor-era Who and sobbing hysterically.
But for Obama, I will emerge from my sadness and vote for change. I swear, when they make the movie about my struggle one day, you will be moved to fucking tears.
If you are none of the above (or at least for #8, if you can manage to lift yourself out of bed / your human-size pile of weepy snotty tissues and walk over to your nearest polling place), then I don’t care who you’re voting for. Just get out and vote. Because the only thing uglier than me after hours of sobbing over the loss of “my Doctor” is apathy.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.