Courtney Enlow

Thanksgiving is coming. Which of course means that it’s been Christmastime for three weeks now.

Yes, Christmas is the magical period lasting from November 1 through January 6 in retail shops / apartments of certain pop culture website columnists. It’s a period where the denizens of mass produced home accouterments / certain snarky writer-types who enjoy British sci-fi programming and enthuse on Britney Spears play nothing but holiday music and prominently display sparkly bejeweled red and green items of decor.

For those of you unaware, Christmas begins the moment one removes one’s Halloween costume and continues until the tree is down, or Lite FM stops playing that really horrendous Aaron Neville version of Little Drummer Boy. It sets into motion once seasonally colored candy is available and one magically finds large bowls and fills them with the newly acquired, and strangely more delicious, snack items. One stocks up on hot chocolate, an assortment of Yankee Candle Co. items and those Christmas tree-shaped Little Debbie cakes that are only available for a month and are freaking tasty.

But one must refrain from sharing one’s holiday celebration outside of one’s home.

For some reason, most do not begin the Christmas season until after Thanksgiving, which is of course insane. Thanksgiving, while a wonderful and delicious holiday, is not pretty. Ugly colors (orange and brown? Bitch please.) and a slightly depressing history involving syphilis and the mass genocide of a native people. Christmas, on the other hand, is about presents and magic babies and fat guys in red suits and prettily ornate shrubbery and the only time each year I actually feel like attending Mass and holiness and donkeys and did I mention the Little Debbie cakes?

Of course, you don’t need to give yourself over to Santa completely just yet if you don’t want to. There’s a whole slew of pre-Christmas thingies to let you dip your toes into the jacuzzi of yuletide joy.

Movie-wise, you can watch films that have a seasonal aspect without being explicitly Christmassy. These include Bridget Jones’s Diary, While You Were Sleeping, Sleepless in Seattle and Serendipity. And before you get all testes on me for only including chick flicks, the only movie I can think of that isn’t would be Die Hard, so by all means comment with additional choices.

Certain music has a wintry feel to it. Not to go all ovarian on you again, but Sarah McLachlan, Mazzy Star and Juliana Hatfield all have a feel to their music like that of a crackly fire and big afghan. I’m sure boy-friendly artists do too, but I’m a girl dammit, so leave me be.

Additionally, everyone has their own memory associations that identify something as a certain season even if it isn’t. For example, my first winter in Chicago saw the release of Ben Kweller’s Sha Sha album and White Stripe’s White Blood Cells, so to me those will always be winter albums. Similarly, the Buffy episode “Once More With Feeling” is a Christmas staple, if for no other reason than it originally aired in November. Plus on my iTunes, that album is right before Burl Ives Holly Jolly Christmas. Coincidence or pre-Christmas miracle? I don’t think I even need to tell you.

The magical time of pre-Christmas isn’t all sunshine and roses, mostly because the sun means the days are colder and roses aren’t blooming. Celebrating the holidays longer than most people does extend that classic holiday sense of homesickness and increased malaise. And between its falling during the end-of-the-year tying up of loose ends in businesses and the time to shop amongst the unwashed crazy-Christmas-mom masses in an attempt to find amazing presents, it’s also quite stressful, as evidenced by your humble writer spending a full evening in the emergency room this past Friday, having stressed herself into unconsciousness.

But it shan’t ruin my pre-Christmas. Oh no. No, it only furthers my mission. I fully intend to have a preternaturally magical holiday season, god dammit. And you can call it commercial, you can roll your eyes at the intrinsic religion involved, you can even scoff and spew horrible-even-for-the-Chuckle Hut lines about fruit cake (which I don’t believe anyone has actually ever eaten, and may, in fact, not actually exist), but you will not take my pre-Christmas spirit.

Besides, when else during the year can you spend an entire month full-on feasting without really feeling bad about yourself? When else can you really think to yourself “I’m curious about this turducken thing”? When else can you play my patented “First Season OC Christmukkah Episode Drinking Game” and get hospitalized from alcohol poisoning before the opening credits and not be looked upon as a sad drunk? Never, I say. Never.

So during this blessed time of pre-Christmas, bust out your favorite scented candles, get the goofiest sounding drink from Starbucks you can imagine and purchase various kinds of garlandry and know that you will not be judged, my friends. Merry pre-Christmas to all.

Oh, and happy Thanksgiving. Almost forgot that the pre-Christmas thing hasn’t swept the nation yet. But it will.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

Thanksgiving is less than a week away, so hopefully you have all made your plans and travel arrangements. Deciding whether or not to actually spend this annual celebration of gluttony and football with your family can often be a tough decision, especially if your creepy Uncle Jim is going to be there again this year.

But there is an even bigger decision to make – and that’s what to serve on the big day. Many of you will decide to kick it old school and will serve an oven-baked turkey. There is certainly nothing wrong with that decision. However, perhaps you will decide to be adventurous and kick it up a notch. Perhaps you will deep fry your turkey. Or, if you are truly adventurous (or a big fan of John Madden), you might be considering serving a Turducken – a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey.

And while you can never go wrong with two meats shoved inside a turkey, there is one more option that you may be unaware of. Perhaps you enjoy the artery-clogging goodness of a Turducken, but you just can’t shake the feeling that you could make your meal even more ridiculous and unhealthy. If you are looking for a way to send your Thanksgiving meal over the top, then I suggest the Turbaconducken. That’s a Turducken wrapped in bacon.

The health nuts over at BaconToday.com were kind enough to provide a recipe for the Turbaconducken, which you can find here:
http://bacontoday.com/turbaconducken-turducken-wrapped-in-bacon/

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Murphy’s Law – TV and the economy
We’ve all seen how the current economic crisis has affected our lives and the lives of those around us. But one important question has gone unanswered thus far – how will it affect our favorite TV shows? This week, Joel Murphy reveals how some of your favorite shows will cope with this recession.

Note to Self – Hungry like the wolf
The world of sports is a strange place right now – Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb doesn’t know that football games can end in a tie, a 16-year-old girl was drafted to play professional baseball in Japan and former pro wrestler Brock Lesnar defeated Randy Couture to capture the heavyweight title at UFC 91. Brian Murphy turns to Duran Duran to make sense of it all.

Outside of the In-Crowd – Wedding Ebola 2: THE BABIES ARE COMING
In September, Courtney Enlow shared her thoughts on marriage after a slew of her friends got engaged. This week, Enlow brings us part two of her “Wedding Ebola” series and this time it’s personal. It’s bad enough that all of her friends continue to get married left and right, but now they have chosen to breed. Enlow does her best to stop this impending infestation in this week’s column.

Overrated – The Natural
Robert Redford’s classic baseball film The Natural is generally considered to be one of the greatest sports movies ever made. The catchy theme song and memorable final scene are ingrained in the minds of most sports fans. But Ned Bitters can’t help but feel that the film is overrated.

- Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap is also available as an email newsletter. To sign up for the newsletter to ensure you never miss an update, send an email to newsletter-subscribe@hobotrashcan.com.

Joel Murphy

It’s a bit of an understatement to say our economy isn’t doing so well these days. People are getting laid off, the government is bailing out corporations left and right and many people in the lower and middle class are about one paycheck away from living on the street mumbling to themselves and collecting cans for the recycling money.

We’re all seeing how this current economic crisis is affecting our lives and the lives of those around us. But one important question has gone unanswered thus far – how will it affect our favorite TV shows? This week, I’m going to try to look into the future so that I can tell you how some of the most popular television shows out there will cope with this recession …

One show that will surely be hit the hardest is The Office. For years, Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch has been hemorrhaging money thanks to an unmotivated staff, an incompetent boss and an Assistant Regional Manager who spends all of his time flirting with the receptionist and pulling pranks on one of his coworkers. It’s only a matter of time before Dunder Mifflin’s corporate office decides to cut their losses and sells the failing branch to their rival, Primatech Paper. Look for Primatech to send in its efficiency consultant Noah Bennet to shape up the branch and get things back on track (you know … when he’s not busy capturing bad guys and saving the world).

Speaking of Heroes, you can expect to see some major changes coming to that show as well. Earlier this month, NBC fired producers Jeph Loeb and Jesse Alexander. The next logical step will be to scale back the wardrobe department, which means that Peter finally gets his wish and will officially be shirtless in every scene. Also, due to the rising cost of healthcare, the writers of the show will make every single character a Petrelli so that they can put them all on the same family health plan.

Another NBC show that will be hit hard by the current economic crisis is Chuck. Circuit City recently filed for bankruptcy protection due to stiff competition from Best Buy and Wal-Mart. It won’t be long before the Buy More is also forced out of business. Morgan and the rest of the crew will all have to go out and get real jobs while Chuck and Casey will be forced to go work next door at the Orange Orange, a move which Chuck’s sister Ellie will see as another disappointing step backwards in Chuck’s career.

Since the presidential election is now over, Saturday Night Live will go back to being irrelevant. While the show won’t be canceled by NBC due to its storied history with the network, I do expect that the Peacock will slash the budget of the show. Budget cutbacks will most likely make it too expensive to bring in a live studio audience to watch each show, so expect SNL to bring back Jimmy Fallon to sit in the stands and laugh through every sketch.

Over on 30 Rock, all of the stunt casting the show has been doing lately has surely caused their budget to take a big hit. Instead of Oprah, Steve Martin and Jennifer Anniston, you can expect to see all of the future guest roles played by Baldwin brothers, since they work for scale.

Over on Fox, one of the first shows to take a hit will be House. Dr. House’s policy of only taking on one patient at a time simply isn’t cost effective. House and his team will no longer be able to afford to run fancy blood tests and expensive MRIs and will instead be forced to solve cases Civil War-style, using leeches and sawing off limbs. Then, House really will be “risking a patient’s life!” each and every week.

This Sunday, Fox will be airing 24: Redemption, a new made-for-TV movie that will bridge the gap between season six and season seven of the hit show. While Redemption takes place in Africa, look for Jack Bauer to spend season seven in China, since that’s where all of the high-tech gadgets he uses are made anyway and it’s cheaper to buy them off the street there then to have them shipped over to America. No word on whether or not Bauer will grow back his crazy prison beard while in China.

Kiefer Sutherland’s former castmate Dennis Haysbert will also be negatively affected by this recession. While some claim that Haysbert’s fantastic portrayal of President David Palmer helped pave the way for Barack Obama’s election, Obama will be looking for ways to reduce military spending once he takes office and Haysbert’s top secret military unit may be one of the first to go. If The Unit is eliminated, look for Haysbert to begin selling Allstate insurance full-time.

Since they already ripped off the idea from the USA Network show in the first place, in order to cut costs, CBS’s new show The Mentalist will fire all of their writers and openly steal scripts from Psych. Look for Reginald VelJohnson to be added to the cast to play the Burton Guster sidekick role.

Since it’s on basic cable and not a network, FX’s Sons of Anarchy may be hit the hardest of any show out there. In an effort to encourage viewers to go green and reduce their carbon footprints, the members of SAMCRO will sell off their motorcycles and begin car-pooling in a Prius. Although viewers may find this to be a stretch, FX believes this is a responsible alternative for the motorcycle club.

Speaking of cable, HBO’s Entourage is one of the few shows that may actually help struggling actors to make a living during these tough economic times. Recently, the show had Meadow Soprano (Jamie-Lynn Sigler) play Turtle’s love interest. As a favor to HBO, Entourage will continue to provide cameos to all of those affected when HBO senselessly killed The Sopranos, The Wire and Deadwood. In the next few weeks, you can expect to see Ari Gold hook up with Snoop Pearson, Johnny Drama dating Jewel from Deadwood and Lloyd sharing a dance floor with Vito Spatafore.

On Showtime, I expect that in order to save money, next season Californication will have more of a reality show feel to it as the show will be filmed on location at David Duchovny’s sex rehab.

In fact, the only show that won’t be affected by the economy is Dexter. The producers of the show have been able to keep production costs down by simply having Dexter kill off the castmembers with the biggest contracts.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Brian Murphy

Let’s just go ahead and admit it now – we live in a world that just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Not sure what we’re talking about? Just take a quick peak at your sports page and scan the headlines.

For starters, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, who has played in 128 games during his 10-year career, didn’t know that pro football games could end in a tie.

In his post-game press conference after the Eagles tied the Cincinnati Bengals 13-13 Sunday, McNabb said he thought there would be a second overtime if the score was still tied after one extra session.

“I’ve never been part of a tie,” McNabb said. “I never even knew it was in the rule book. I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game. But unfortunately with the rules, we settled with a tie.”

This is where we point out that the last tie in the National Football League was in 2002, when the Pittsburgh Steelers tied the Atlanta Falcons 34-34, Nov. 10. We’ll give McNabb a pass for not knowing the Steelers played to a tie that day – even though both teams reside in Pennsylvania – because he was busy getting beat down by the Indianapolis Colts. But the Eagles actually played Atlanta in the playoffs that season, which means for an entire week McNabb’s focus was on all things Falcons related. When Atlanta came to town with a 9-6-1 regular season record don’t you think McNabb might have thought “Hmmm … what’s that number in the third column?”

If you’re an Eagles fan (always known for their rational thoughts and calm demeanor), then you’ve got to be saying, “Are you kidding me?” Management should march down to the locker room immediately and ask backup quarterback Kevin Kolb, “Do you know the basic rules of professional football?” If the answer is yes, then he’s now the starter in Philly. It’s that simple. It’s inexcusable for a supposed team leader with a decade of experience to not know Football 101.

And if the rumors are true that head coach Andy Reid didn’t know that ties exist in pro football either (which would explain his team’s decision to punt three times in overtime), then he’s got to go too. Turn the team over to Jim Johnson, the defensive coordinator, and send “Cheesesteak Andy” home to deal with his troubled family. We know that Philly is still hung over from winning their first championship in decades, but this is an embarrassment that should be taken seriously. You were willing to take action against Santa Claus. Now do the right thing and turn your attention to McNabb.

But that’s not the only craziness taking over the world of sports. Did you see the story about the 16-year-old girl who was drafted to play professional baseball in Japan?

Eri Yoshida, a 5-foot, 114-pound knuckleball pitcher, was selected by Kobe 9 Cruise in the Japanese League. Like a crap-tastic episode of 90210 or some terrible Disney movie, she’ll go from high school to the big leagues. Seriously. We’re not making this up.

Outside of the Olympics, the only time we’ve ever watched anything close to women playing professional sports was the movie A League of their Own. And let’s be honest – Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell were prominently involved, so that’s not exactly putting your best foot forward.

We’re heading dangerously close to “male cheerleader” territory here, which is never good. Let’s just go ahead and admit it now – this is a publicity stunt gone horribly wrong. The first time an opposing batter sends a line drive back up the middle it could very well kill the poor girl. Send her back to gym class while she’s still healthy and innocent and fire whoever thought it was a good idea to bring a “Sweet 16” into a clubhouse.

But the biggest news of the week is Brock Lesnar defeating Randy Couture to capture the heavyweight title at UFC 91. Forget that Lesnar, in just his fourth professional fight, was able to dethrone one of the most respected and established fighters in all of mixed martial arts. The fact is, a professional wrestler just won a real fight. Brock went from collecting a paycheck in the scripted World Wrestling Entertainment to knocking out the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

That’s roughly equivalent to the HoboTrashcan staff getting together for a night out on the town, when a drunken Ned Bitters (redundant, we know) decides to sign us up to play some Rock Band 2 at the bar. Courtney Enlow is singing lead, I’m playing lead guitar, Hobo Stu’s on the bass and Bitters is on the drums rocking out to “Hungry Like The Wolf” and next thing you know, we get signed by some big record label and ultimately win a Grammy.

Or how about this – after successfully guiding his fantasy football team, the Part-Time Models, to an improbable league championship, my brother is hired by the Detroit Lions to become their next general manager. After all, he’s already more qualified than former GM Matt Millen. His team won something.

Bottom line: stuff like this just isn’t supposed to happen. Vince McMahon and friends are in the business of entertaining, not actually bringing something real and tangible to the table. What’s next? Will Jerry “The King” Lawler actually become royalty? Will The Undertaker get a job at Arlington National Cemetery? Will Isaak Yankem become a legitimate dentist? Where does it end?

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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Ned Bitters

This week’s inductee into the “Overrated Hall of Fame” is … The Natural.

I love baseball. I spend $150 on the MLB Extra Innings cable package every year. I go to 5-10 games in four or five different cities each season. My shitass team is in the midst of the longest string of losing seasons in the sport’s history, and still I watch almost every game, and even more pathetically, still care. At 46, I still try on baseball gloves at sports stores. The baseball playoffs in October are my March Madness.

So, I should love the movie The Natural, which, like Rudy and Remember the Titans, is probably showing on one of your cable channels right now. But I don’t love it. Oh, I enjoy it, but it contains too many goofy elements that keep it from achieving classic-sports-movie status.

It’s not that I’m against fantasy and cheap emotion. I get goosebumps five or six times when I watch Field of Dreams. James Earl Jones’s “People will come” speech gives me chills every time. (Although I have to admit that the last scene, the father-son game of catch, is a bit hammy. In my ending, when Kevin Costner asks, “Dad, wanna have a catch?” his old man would respond, without even looking up, “No, I’m too damn busy” and then just walk off. Hey Kinsella, your dad still owns you, bitch!)

But The Natural just misfires too many times. Let me attempt to kill some of the enjoyment you might get out of this overrated schmaltz-fest:

• Why do we hold Mr. Mom-Baseball-and-Apple Pie in such high esteem? He leaves his loving, loyal girlfriend behind, and within a day or two he’s trying to bang some batshit crazy baseball groupie he met on a train. Don’t tell me about his small-town innocence. He’s already been tapping his doe-eyed farmgirl for months. The dude just wanted fresh pussy. Nothing wrong with that. He was a horny young stud. Yet we’re manipulated into seeing him as duped by the evil temptress. Bullshit. If that chick is unarmed, Hobbs is going to be treating her like a three-dollar Bowery whore.

• Mr. Wonderful couldnt’t even bother to use a condom when he was banging the smalltown girl he knew he’d be blowing town on first chance he got. He impregnates the sweet girl who loves him, then bolts for the bigtime. Had she known single parenthood was in her future, I’m sure the jilted young lady would much rather have taken a Hobbs gob down the gullet rather than be a 19-year-old burdened with a blond bastard kid, no provider and stretch marks.

• Robert Redford was almost 50 when he made this movie. He was in great shape for a man his age, but come on, that face was craggier than Lincoln’s. They had to filter the camera lens to the point where half the movie looked like a dream sequence. Yet I’m supposed to believe he was in his late 30′s and still able to turn on the inside heat? Surely they could have found an actor with a younger face. You know, like Nick Nolte or Gary Busey.

• Redford was too skinny to be a power hitter. Sure, the “splendid splinter” Ted Williams hit over 500 homeruns, and thin as rails Hank Aaron and Ernie Banks blasted almost 1300 dingers between them, but Redford’s twiggy limbs and chicken neck make that Ruthian power too implausible.

• Throughout the movie, we’re manipulated into feeling sorry for the old coot who missed out on a Hall of Fame career due to a lead love letter courtesy of the luscious loon he might have banged. Yeah, sure. I feel so sorry for poor ol’ Roy Hobbs, who got to bang a young Glenn Close (with no rubber, mind you), a hot baseball Mollie (who you know was as crazy in the sack as she was in her head) and Kim Basinger (still in her prime, good god). If any baseball character deserves our poon sympathy, it’s Ray Kinsella, who somehow had to work up a stiff one for that shrieking shrew of a wife. Yeesh.

• Hobbs is also supposed to be appear nearly destitute when Darren McGavin’s Gus Sands predicts that he’s got “ten bucks” in his pockets. Viewers think, “Awww … poor guy, out rolling with the bigtimers and trying to nail expensive snatch with only 10 dollars in his pockets.” Well, a little check of Westegg.com’s inflation calculator shows that 10 bucks in 1937 is worth about $143 today. Do you have 143 bucks in your pocket right now? Will you have that much cash when you go out tonight? Dude was doing all right in the scratch department considering it was the tail end of the Depression.

• Wilford Brimleys’ put-upon manager isn’t worth feeling sorry for either. He whines incessantly about never having won a pennant. Hey there, coach … yeah, you … the one with the Don Zimmer physique and the Bill Parcells personality. Maybe you’d win more games if you didn’t sit around playing Name That Shitty Tune with your coach and if you’d give new players a real look instead of benching their asses just to spite your owner. You couldn’t motivate an Eskimo to wear mittens. You should have stuck to farming like your old man wanted you to. No wonder you’re 130 years old and still chasing that first pennant.

• Why is tenacious reporter Max Mercy so villainized? The man works harder than any reporter this side of ESPN’s John Clayton, but we see him as some sort of ink-stained satan whose main sin is the pursuit of the truth. Would that Max Mercy was on the White House beat in the days leading up the Iraq War.

• While we’re busy pulling for pussy-hound Hobbs and the dimwitted manager, where’s the love for the poor third baseman who makes the crucial 9th inning error in the final game? The Angels’ Donnie Moore eventually shot himself after blowing the 1986 pennant by giving up that two-out, three-run tater to Boston’s Steve Henderson. But this poor bastard boots an easy grounder which blows the pennant, and all we care about is whether Mr. Selfish can win the big one for the retarded manager.

• And speaking of retards, what’s up with that batboy? He doesn’t belong in the on-deck ring. He belongs in the center ring of a traveling freak show.

So let’s ease up on praising The Natural. It’s not an awful movie. It certainly has its moments. But too many elements misfire and distract me from getting lost in the story. Instead, I just get lost in the cavernous valley’s of Redford’s craggy face.

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.

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