A bit early, yes. But since such a large chunk of 2008 sucked ballsack, I thought it best to focus, not unlike the guy who kicked the bucket at the beginning of Phantom Planet, on the good and the beautiful.
You see, this past year was, in many ways, awful. Personal tragedy, the November 5th discovery that I know a lot of racist assholes, and, of course, the recession. And then there’s this week’s latest revelation that my real-life job is Victim No. Eleventy Trillion Bajillion of this economic shitshow. And because it is just naturally easier to focus on bad over good, I am here to force myself to look at the awesome in a time of lame.
So without further ado, The First Annual Outside of the In-Crowd “Things I Wasn’t Above in 2008” Awards.
Best Movie (of 2008)
Best Album (of 2008)
Travis, “Ode to J. Smith”
Best Non-Biased Album, Because if Travis Releases an Album, it is Automatically My Favorite (of 2008)
TV on the Radio, Dear Science
So awesome. But basically chosen because I didn’t want to look like a loser since the real winner is…
Britney Spears, Circus
My love of Britney is well documented but this award is absolutely deserved. This album is fun and fancy, and “If U Seek Amy” is one of the best pop songs I’ve heard in years (though lyrically it makes the opposite of sense, especially when you figure out what she’s actually saying with the title, since it doesn’t relate to the rest of the song. If U Seek Amy = F-U-C-K Me. Clevah girl. WORDSMITHERY!) She’s back from the brink (even though “back” might just mean “pretty again”, but it’s a step in the right direction) and I’m glad to have her here.
Note: Third place would have gone to Coldplay, who are also the recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award for “I Don’t Get Why I’m Not Supposed To Like You. Fucking Hipsters.”
Preferred Superhero Movie (of 2008)
Sorry, The Dark Knight, you are an incredible movie, completely innovative in your genre. But Iron Man wins this. While TDK was ostensibly a better film, it’s not one you really want to watch over and over again. One rarely says “you know what I can just watch nonstop and never tire of? Schindler’s List.” That’s kind of how I feel about The Dark Knight, and Schindler’s List didn’t even have a motorcycle driving up a wall.
Iron Man is funny, stuff blows up, and it stars one of my many future husbands. It wins.
Song that Has Been Stuck in My Head and My Only Solution is Removal of Said Head (of 2008)
“Disturbia” by Rihanna
Song that Resembles Two Completely Different Hastily Thrown Together Songs (of 2008)
“So What?” by Pink. Seriously, has no one else noticed that the verses and the chorus have absolutely nothing to do with each other musically?
Moment I Began Wondering How the Hell I Know These Songs, I Don’t Have a Car and Only Listen to My iPod (of 2008)
Like five seconds ago.
Girlcrush Who Gets Crushier Each Year (of 2008)
Mancrush Who Gets Crushier Each Year (of 2008)
Robert Downey, Jr.
The “The Shins Award” for Something that is So Good and Universally Accepted As Such That I Forget How Much I Actually Love it (of 2008)
All season, I’ve been thinking “yes, The Office is back to form.” But it never wasn’t. Sure, maybe it focused a bit more on the JAM plot line, and sure, maybe Jan lost her mind, but it was still the same show it’s been all along. And this season’s been especially great.
Movie that Seriously Fucked Me Up After Watching It (of 2008)
The Strangers. I don’t like masks.
Ebola (of 2008)
Babies. Runner up: Engagements.
We must put an end to this in ’09.
Jay “douchebag1” Louis, from Hot Chicks with Douchebags
Oh db1. I am drawn to you like the orange saline-bagged baguettes are drawn to their over-gelled ‘roidy lovers. A while back, in a post-breakup state of crazy, I came very close to almost dating the legendary eurotrash ‘bag. He had giant canisters of weight gain powder in his kitchen, he wore designer suits with fedoras and leather flip flops and his walls were covered in framed “artsy” black and white photos that I believe may have once been Abercrombie & Fitch shopping bags. Had I known about your site yet, you’d have heard my cries across the galaxy. “Help me, dbWan, you’re my only hope.” After six days, I told him it wasn’t a good idea for us to see each other, and he wept and spoke about the rain. Luckily I now have my shit together and have learned my lesson, and I can read your site daily with laughter and a quiet wince of shames past.
Heartbreaker (of 2008)
I was fine when he allegedly broke up with his girlfriend, Sophia Myles, over the phone, because flying to a different continent to break up with someone does seem like it might be difficult. And I was semi-okay when he allegedly started dating 23-year old Georgia Moffatt because, hey, a man’s gotta get some. But un-allegedly quitting Doctor Who is a whole different story. A mean story, with Nazis and puppies getting kicked. I’m mad at you, Dave. But I still want to ruffle your hair and gaze at you dreamily over some Earl Gray. Damn this heart of mine.
TV Show that if it Gets Cancelled In 2009, So Help Me, I’ll Crack Some Skulls (of 2008)
If this gets cancelled, I’m blaming you. Start watching, or you’re part of the problem.
Recipient of the prestigious “I hope the movie Open Water happens to you” award
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Runners Up: Those Friedberg and Seltzer assholes.
Really Horrible but Often Hilarious War (of 2008)
The Presidential Election
The Great Facebook Status War the Week Following November 4th
And finally …
Best Thing that Ever Happened to Life Ever (in 2008)
Barack Obama * waves a flag, hugs a stranger *
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.