One that doesn’t involve bunnies (or midgets).
In the past year, our world has been descended upon by two locusts. These disgusting creatures appeared as if out of thin air and took over, feeding off everything they landed on. I’m talking of course about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.
I would like to start with a confession: I watched the first two seasons of Laguna Beach. And I enjoyed them. I’ll man up and admit it. I somehow tolerated the trials and travels of LC and Stephen as he lead her on and filled her easily confused head with mixed signals as he simultaneously dated massive bitch/obvious famewhore Kristin, who had ridiculously white trash-y friends.
Please don’t judge me. I was in my first few years of college and just experimenting.
I by no means cared about these characters or their blandly melodramatic plotlines. Rather it was strangely cathartic. These were people more pathetic than I was in high school. Sometimes that’s just a nice thing to watch. LC was like an even sadder teen version of every letter in He’s Just Not That Into You and Stephen was like every really boring boy my friends for some reason had crushes on, which I still don’t understand, because how can you like really boring people?
And there’s a nice segue into my feelings regarding that show’s unnecessarily popular spinoff The Hills. Dear Christ that show is boring. Laguna followed the lives of many boring people, so at least there was always something happening (or at least as resembling of “something” or “happening” as that show got). But The Hills follows the lives of few even duller people. (Lead-in note: I’ve only seen one or two episodes of this program total. All my other information comes from watching The Soup and whatever clips make it onto Best Week Ever.) Our heroine, LC, wasn’t even interesting enough to be the main star of more than one season of what started as her own show, so I don’t quite follow the logic of giving her a new one. She has some friends, or something. One of them (Audrina) is considered by many to be attractive, but she has badly done fake breasts and is physically unable to look at things. Seriously, what the fuck is the deal with her eyeballs? Then there’s Lo, LC’s friend from back in the OC, who used to be the only somewhat interesting-on-her-own-without-overusing-Michelle-Branch-songs-during-her-storylines person on the original show and now seems to be some kind of bratty child-adult hybrid villain. I understand there is some kind of person called a Justin Bobby and other boys too probably. Everyone is so stupid, vapid and dull that I don’t know how they even manage to hear themselves speak without falling asleep.
And then there’s Heidi and Spencer.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have become more … gosh, I want to say “famous” but that sullies the word. And well-known won’t cut it either, because there’s no way anyone over 25 who sees them on Us Weekly know who these strange equine-visaged people on the cover are. So we’ll go with “out-famewhores that Kristin person.” And their fame is terrifying.
They started out small. Spreading sex tape rumors about their former friend, the aforementioned LC (who I do realize is now just called Lauren, but I don’t care, I don’t play her games) and using the horriffic vaginal euphamism “beef curtains.” Ew. I like beef. I don’t like that image. Then they started traipsing around Robertson in LA like all the other really sad people desperate for paparazzi attention, then she got bad plastic surgery and somehow got her face reshaped so that it’s shaped like a toe, then spreading dumb and obvious engagement and breakup rumors about themselves that were more transparent then her new boob skin. And then … I just don’t know.
If you’ve seen the pictures, you understand. They … they do strange things. And I don’t get it. It’s best you just look at them for yourself. Here’s some of the latest.
The questions that go through my mind when I look at these photos are dark and terrifying. Do they really think these photos look candid and unstaged? Or are they in on the joke and cashing in? Do they care at all? What are we doing here and where is it all leading? There’s no god, is there? Why is her face shaped like that? Why is his beard so off?
And then, the wheels started turning. And folks, I might be on to something here.
Let your minds wander and flow. Give up your preconceived notions of Heidi and Spencer and comedy and existentiality of life. And let’s say that this is all an elaborate joke.
Picture if you will a young actress. She gets cast on this faux-reality TV show on MTV that she knows is totally dumb and beneath her, but she needs the money. After being bored to tears by the other leads, she gets a fellow actor friend to pose as her boyfriend. They come up with this storyline wherein he’s a blandly over-the-top douche (really not that different from the people supposedly playing themselves) and she portraying this even more pathetic girl than LC, almost as a spoof. But just subtle enough that it seems real.
Over time, the sink deeper and deeper into character, laughing all the way to the bank. She delves further than ever before and actually goes under the knife and gets really bad implants as a joke. And that’s when they realize there is no turning back. They’re going where Sasha Baron Cohen only dreamed, becoming the Andy Kaufmans of our generation.
They begin to set up obnoxiously obvious paparazzi photo ops, just to see if they’ll come. AND THEY ALWAYS DO. They make a deal with Us Weekly to be on the covers, just to see if people will buy. AND THEY ALWAYS DO. They stage the world’s most obviously fake wedding that they know no one will believe, but will totally talk about on every website. AND THEY ALWAYS DO. They get more and more obnoxious on the show, just to see if people will figure them out. BUT THEY NEVER DO.
Heidi and Spencer may just be the douchiest clownshoes on the planet. Or the greatest geniuses of our time. We may never know.
Regardless, I don’t want them to procreate.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.