Every year on December 31, many of you evaluate your life and come up with a list of New Year’s resolutions. As for me, at the end of every year, when I take a look at myself in the mirror and reevaluate my life, I come up with the same conclusion year after year – I’m perfect.
But just because there isn’t a thing about myself I would like to change, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a few New Year’s resolutions for 2009. After looking inward and finding no faults, I decided to look outward. So without further ado, here are a few things that I would like to see the world change in 2009 …
Politicians should stop being so damned shady. In 2008, Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted on federal corruption charges, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested for openly trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacated seat in Congress and New York Governor Elliot Spitzer resigned after being tied to a prostitution ring (no word on whether or not he was literally tied to a prostitute … or if you have to pay extra for that sort of thing). Even Spitzer’s replacement, David Paterson, admitted shortly after being sworn into office that he had once had an extramarital affair. Since Obama was elected on a message of hope and change, I’m hoping that we can get through 2009 without openly corrupt, prostitute-loving politicians dominating the headlines.
The economy, let’s fix it. This one is pretty self-explanatory. I’m about three weeks away from burning old newspapers for warmth and selling my vital organs on the black market.
Advertising agencies need to stop trying to be hip. It started in 2005 when McDonalds unleashed an Internet campaign with a guy staring longingly at a Big Mac with the tag line “I’d Hit It.” A few weeks ago, Burger King began airing a series of “Whopper Virgin” commercials, which basically implied that they had to go to remote third-world countries to find people who hadn’t had sex with their hamburgers.
Now, the cable network Versus is trying to jump on the “advertising agencies who attempt to sound cool, but inadvertently make sexual references” bandwagon with their new “Show Me Your V” campaign. The obscure network, known mostly for it’s coverage of hockey and rodeos (a winning combination!), is asking viewers to submit photos of their V’s to the Versus website. Now, we here at HoboTrashcan have been encouraging all of our fine female readers to show us their V’s for years now, but something tells me that Versus isn’t looking for the same type of photos that we are.
How can we prevent ad agencies who are trying to sound cool from sounding foolish? To solve this problem, I’m borrowing an idea my brother came up with years ago to prevent people from sneaking tawdry personalized license plates (like the guy who was driving around with a personalized plate that said GOTMILF) past the out-of-touch screeners at the DMV. My brother suggested that as a last line of defense, you hire two 12-year-old boys to read all of the proposed plates. If they giggle, then you don’t print that tag. Even if you don’t get it, you trust the 12-year-olds. I think ad agencies should adopt a similar strategy.
The Internets should take some time off from Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. What do you say we give these two tired starlets a year off from all of the non-stop paparazzi coverage? I’m sure they would appreciate the breather and more importantly, it would give the other, lesser-known attractive and troubled starlets a chance to shine. In fact, my plan is to go this entire year without ever mentioning the names Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan in one of my columns … oh wait, damn it!
No more half-assed parody movies. Let’s keep 2009 Seltzberg free.
All of my favorite TV shows should do their best not to shit the bus this season. This is actually a very exciting time of year for me, since many of my favorite television shows will be returning in the next month or so. Scrubs debuted on ABC last night and 24 begins this Sunday on Fox. In the near future, Lost, Chuck, Psych, Monk and Burn Notice will all be back on the air. My hope is that all of these shows will have solid seasons and won’t start falling apart like so many good shows do.
In 2008, the writers of Heroes did everything they could to make the show unwatchable and even one of my perennial favorite shows, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, began wearing on me by the end of its fourth season. So far Chuck and Psych have been consistently entertaining and Scrubs gets a pass for now simply because I’m amazed it’s actually been given one more season; I’m hopeful that these three shows will continue to keep it together. Lost should be in good shape, but things like their Nikki and Paulo episode in season three and the terrible Sun/Jin swerve episode last season do raise a few red flags. In its past few seasons, 24, which always teeters on the edge of ridiculousness, has tried my patience and I’ve always found Monk and Burn Notice to be hit-or-miss, but I’m hoping that these three shows can avoid the suck in 2009.
One of you loyal HoboTrashcan readers needs to strap a bomb to your chest and threaten to detonate it if NBC doesn’t cancel its plans to give Jimmy Fallon a late night talk show. I would do it myself, but I have this whole “fear of dying and/or ending up in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison” thing.
My birthday is next month, so if you don’t know what to get me, this would be the perfect present. If you are too scared to hold NBC hostage, but still would like to get me something for my birthday, you could always show me your V.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at email@example.com.