Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap

Weekly Recap 1 Comment
Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

A few weeks ago, we scored an interview with Michael Emerson, the phenomenal actor who plays Benjamin Linus on Lost. While Emerson certainly left an impression on us, little did we know that we left a lasting impression on Emerson.

As Chris Kirkman mentions in his Lost recap this week, Emerson gave a shout out to Kirkman in a recent interview with Comic News Insider, calling his analysis of time travel “one of the smartest articles I’ve ever read about what goes on on our show.” (You can hear the audio from that interview in this week’s Down the Hatch.)

How great would it be if this was the start of a new trend? Perhaps all of the celebrities we interview from now on will start telling other sites how awesome HoboTrashcan is. Neal Jones, who we interviewed last September, already signed up for our weekly newsletter. Next, maybe we can start convincing future celebrities we interview to pass out flyers for the site or to wear sandwich boards featuring our URL.

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Lost: Down the Hatch – Never let the bastards get you down
Matthew Abadon had a rough week, Caesar started snooping and John Locke is finally back where he belongs. Chris Kirkman provides a brief recap and in-depth analysis of the Lost episode “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham” and offers a toast to Helen Norwood.

Murphy’s Law – Wolverines don’t dance
Hugh Jackman, who will play the title character in the big budget summer action film X-men Orgins: Wolverine, hosted this past Sunday’s Academy Awards. Joel Murphy tuned in hoping to see the actor kick ass and take names, but instead all he saw Jackman singing and dancing with Beyonce and Zach Efron.

Note to Self – What would Andy Dick do?
No sports writer is a bigger football fan than Brian Murphy, but even Murphy can’t understand the importance of the NFL Combine. He would rather see football players actually play football than see them bench pressing or running the 40-yard dash.

Outside of the In-Crowd – The Anonymity Awards
This past Sunday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences gave awards to the best. most memorable films of 2008. But what about all of the shitty movies released last year – the ones so bad that everyone forgot about them weeks after they came out? This week, Courtney Enlow pays tribute to those forgettable films.

Overrated – US Airways Flight 1549 reunion
The recent reunion of those aboard US Airways Flight 1549 was a touching moment for many Americans, but Ned Bitters found it to be highly overrated. As someone who has spent a lot of time traveling on planes with annoying jerks, the last thing Bitters would ever want to do is see his fellow passengers again.

From the Vault – One on One with Angela Kinsey
Angela Martin can be a bit uptight. She is the sort of judgmental buzzkill that we’ve all had to deal with in our workplace. But Angela Kinsey, who plays Martin on The Office, couldn’t be more different from her character. Upbeat and bubbly, this Texan was more than happy to sit down and chat with us back in 2006. If you missed the interview then, here’s your chance to read it now.

- Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap is also available as an email newsletter. To sign up for the newsletter to ensure you never miss an update, send an email to newsletter-subscribe@hobotrashcan.com.

Lost: Down the Hatch – Never let the bastards get you down

Down the Hatch 2 Comments
Chris Kirkman

Chris Kirkman

“The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost: Richard and John have a little talk. “The only way to save the island, John, is to get your people back here.” But you’re gonna have to die, though, says Methusaleh. No biggie. Later, John’s does some well-diving and is swallowed up by a white light. He ends up with a broken leg down in the Great Wheel chamber with Papa Shephard. Christian tells him to get all his friends together and find Mrs. Hawking. Oh, and you’re gonna die. No biggie.

Meanwhile, this week, at HoboTrashcan.com: Mr. Murphy informs me that Ol’ Benjamin Linus, Mr. Michael Emerson himself, did an interview with Comic News Insider in which he told the hosts that my little analysis column on time travel was “one of the smartest articles I’ve ever read about what goes on on our show.” Yeah, seriously! It’s all true, I swear. Here, listen for yourself …

 
icon for podpress  Michael Emerson shout out to HoboTrashcan: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

I’m going to keep my fingers crossed that Mr. Emerson tells Jorge, who looks for himself, finds all my love letters to Elizabeth Mitchell (particularly that one from “The Other Woman” recap), and she has no choice but to swoon. Well, if not swoon, just a note to say hello would be perfectly acceptable. A guy can dream, right?


Sigh. What’s not to love?

Anywho, this week, on Lost: We open up on Caesar, rummaging around what I can only assume is the Hydra Dharma station. I say assume because, as of this point in the episode, we’re not supposed to know exactly where he is. At the end of the episode, we find out it’s the Hydra station because 1) he’s holding a file folder with the Hydra logo on it, and 2) it’s the only station on the island (well, secondary Island, really) that’s big enough for the Ajira survivors to find right off the bat and to accommodate the wounded. At any rate, Caesar comes across a flashlight, an old LIFE magazine, a folder full of some of Danielle’s papers, a copy of Ben’s Temple map and a copy of one of the pages from Daniel Faraday’s journal.


Caesar, the LIFE magazine from April 19, 1954 and a copy of Ben’s Temple map with a clear view of the hieroglyphics in lower left corner.

Caesar also finds a nasty little sawed-off shotgun, which he crams in his man purse before he’s interrupted by Ilana, the woman who was escorting Sayid to Guam. She’s suspicious of Caesar, but he lets it go because she has a little concern. They found a man standing out in the water in a suit. Hey, that sounds familiar! The two head out onto the beach to find a man wrapped in a blanket. The camera pans around to reveal … Locke! He’s looking rather chipper for a dead guy.

Later the next day, Ilana and Locke share a mango and a moment on the beach. Locke asks about the outrigger canoes, to which Ilana informs him that they were there when they crashed, that there were three, and that the pilot – Frank Lapidus – and a woman took the third one out to scout. She asks why Locke was dressed so nice, to which Locke replies that it’s his Sunday-go-to-casket clothes. The only thing Locke really can remember is dying. Good to have you back, John.

It’s time for a good, old-fashioned flashback, the red-blooded kind from Lost prior where we know that what we’re seeing happened in the past. Well, whatever past John jumped from and the kinda past that happened about a year ago, rather than three and … well, you know what I mean. In this flashback, Ben wakes up in the Tunisian desert …


Wait, that’s not right …


Oh yeah, LOCKE wakes up in the Tunisian desert …

… and he’s kinda hurtin’, what with all them bones sticking out of his leg and getting all sandy and such. Locke rolls over, tosses his Dharma cookies and writhes around in pain a bit before noticing a security camera on a stick not too far from him. He calls out to help, but it’s no use. Night falls. Lights form in the distance. An old truck comes rattling down the packed sand, straight at Locke. Luckily, they brake in time, or else it’d be one boring episode with him dying in the first 10 minutes. The truck occupants rush him to a field hospital where a doctor shoves some pills and a stick in his mouth and gets to being all medieval on Locke’s compound fracture. I couldn’t watch, it has horrible. Locke passes out from pain.

He wakes up to find ol’ Chuck Widmore by his bedside. They have a little chat and Widmore asks John how long it’s been since he saw Chuck last. John says four days. Widmore says it’s been 53 years for him, and ain’t that something? Widmore does a little song and dance about how he was the leader of the Others before being exiled by Ben, and Locke needs to work with Widmore because he needs to save the island and yadda yadda yadda. Chuck tells John that Locke is special and that the island needs him. Locke hesitates, but soon gives over to Widmore’s sly charm and they decide to work together. Charles gives John some documents saying Locke’s new name is “Jeremy Bentham” and that he’ll need to work hard to get all his friends together to go back to the island. An SUV pulls up to pick up John and inside is none other than Agent Phillip Broyles … I MEAN Matthew Abaddon. Excuse me, wrong show. Matthew brings out a wheelchair for John and they’re off on a globetrotting adventure!


Fine, then I’m just going to end it all.


No, no … allow me. Again.

I think Locke and Ben might have to break up if Ben keeps on killing John over and over. It just puts a strain on a relationship.

Flash-present, now. Sort of. Back on the island, at any rate, newly-resurrected Locke goes to see Caesar in the Hydra and goes over the whole Dharma spiel for initiation. Personally, I think he should have to watch the Orientation videos. Anyway, Locke confesses to being on the island before and Caesar just jumps past that little quandary to go straight to the more pressing one: how come the man he was sitting across from – Hurley – just up and disappeared in a flash of white light? Locke’s a bit befuddled by that one, too, but at least he knows now how he must have come to the island.

Locke asks about the other passengers and Caesar leads him into another portion of the Hydra. They walk around makeshift cots and unconscious people until they come to a bed in the back. There, sleeping peacefully amidst his murderous bruises and bashes, lies Ben, like a little, cantankerous island baby.


Have I mentioned the part where Michael Emerson talked about the column and called it smart?

Cue the thonk!

Again, this week’s episode was a bit of a gap-filler, but it was a good one. Any backstory about Locke is bound to be good. Terry O’ Quinn could stand there and act like he was painting a bus and it would still be riveting. It’s good to have Locke back on the island, alive and well, but the coming war between light and dark is worrisome. Is Ben, despite his murderous ways, really the good guy? Or is Charles Widmore? Or perhaps there is no good guy between the two – only shades of grey, believing in their own ways that they know what’s best for the island. In some ways, I think that’s why Locke’s destiny was set forth by the island long, long ago – the Island needs Locke and Locke needs the Island. He has taken on a very messiah-like storyline in the past couple of seasons, so perhaps he’s going to be the real leader that the Others and the Island needs to keep everything safe. That’s if he can sift through the lies and deceit that constantly surround him and find his true destiny.

Again, I believe this will all come down, just as Damon and Carlton once said, to be a love story. There are a lot of loving loose ends to be tied up by the end of next season, but I know we’ll see some resolution to heartbreaks, and many lifelong destinies and loves come to fruition. That’s the beauty of where the show is heading.

Now, enough with that mushy stuff. Let’s talk about …

THIS WAY TO THE GREAT EGRESS
So you know how when you turn the Great Wheel and everything gets all white and hazy and the Island does a little dance and whoever turns the wheel ends up in the middle of Tunisia? Well, I’m here to (hopefully) explain how that might work and how we can use that explanation to extrapolate the Island’s general vicinity at any one time. This will also lend more credence to the locations I explored last time in my analysis for “316″ when I went over ley lines once again. Away we go.

Last week, I repurposed the ley line map to show the possible locations of the island.

On the map, I postulated that the Island, when it shifted back into a temporal space nearest the time when the Oceanic Six could reach, was probably around ley vertex #16. Remember that the farthest point to the right on the red line represents Los Angeles, and the red line follows one of the main ley lines on a possible trajectory toward Guam, if you were flying.

Now, as Lindsay and I watched the show, we got to talking about how everyone keeps coming out of “the Exit,” as Widmore called it, and how that could be possible. We talked a bit about my theoretical position of the island and how that could relate to Tunisia, a whole half world away. That’s when the idea hit and I remembered the basketball theory and how it could apply with both Locke and Ben. Before I go over the full explanation, let’s recount part of my explanation of the spinning basketball from the analysis to “The Little Prince”:

What makes even more sense is that the island is very unlikely to pop back into a timeline in the same place because the Earth is moving. I’m not going to delve too deeply into this one, as it’s a whole post in itself, but basically it would be like if you plucked a sticker off a ball that was both spinning and rolling around the room on a specified track. You’d wait until the ball came back around toward you and then plop the sticker on there, but it would probably be in a very different location than before. There were two variables – the rotation and the elliptical movement – that affected where the sticker would land. More than likely, it wouldn’t be far off the same axis of rotation of the ball, but there could be slight variations if the ball was rotating on, say, a tilted axis. Like the Earth.

To look a little closer at that, we have to get into latitude and longitude, specifically that for the center of Tunisia, just for starters. Tunisia is at 34°N lat. and the center lies along 10°E long.


Thanks, Google Earth.

Now, the Earth has an axial tilt of 23.44° and rotates counter-clockwise as you’d view it from the northern poles. It may be easier to imagine it as if you’re holding a ball in your hand. You would tilt it about 24° to the right and you could spin it in such a way that the the left side of the ball is appearing and moving toward the right. That’s how the Earth rotates, and it’s the reason why the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Thinking back on the globe, now, we can know the exact geographic coordinates, and therefore, opposites because of the latitude and longitude lines (remember, latitude run around the spin axis of the Earth and longitude run through the poles). However, if we want to figure out how The Exit is occurring and exactly where the Island could be, we have to compensate for the spin of the Earth and its axial tilt.

Just to make it easy, I’m going to guess that our spot is exactly 180° around the Earth. In assuming that, postulate that an object hovering just above the surface of the Earth would have a degradation of around 11.72° when it reached 180° on the spin axis. That’s just 23.44° divided in half. Now, if we take that degradation and apply it to the latitude lines, we can postulate that the exact opposite spot on the globe, accounting for spin, would be around 22° N latitude and 170°W longitude. Some might say, “but what about gravity? It holds us to the Earth, wouldn’t that account for spin?” Ahh, yes, normally it would for something that spun with the Earth, but imagine something or someone that went from one time to another instantaneously, and was not affected by gravity or spin. They would pop out of “real” space-time and back instantaneously in the exact spot I described above. That’s assuming, of course, that you pop back into Earth’s space-time at a moment that coincides with it’s spot in the rotation around the Sun – and in an interval somewhere along an hourly track that matches a perfect 180° rotation. Perhaps that’s just how it would work out mathematically in order to ensure that you didn’t pop back into another time when the Earth wasn’t there and you’d end up floating in the ether. That wouldn’t be any fun. I’m not going to sit down and figure out how axial rotation AND solar orbits might play into all this – I am but a humble temporal theorist. Is there an astrophysicist in the house?


I proclaim now the location of the Island. Am I right? Probably not. But it’s fun to think about!

At any rate, the spot on the map above is a good location for the Island. It’s near the Midway Islands and Hawaii, so it would be a likely location for the US military to have happened upon it, leaving Jughead behind to be dealt with by the Others. It’s also near the Johnson Atoll – one of many that saw action during the years that the US had a love affair with atomic testing.

Now, I will note that my assumed exact geographic location in accordance with longitude does put the location of the Island just slightly off my #16 ley vertex, but who’s to say that’s the longitudinal spot? It could just as easily be around 145°W longitude, which would take up up a couple of degrees in latitude, as well, which would put it right on the money. As for now, I’ll stick with an opposite geographical projective, just for simplicity sake. After all, we wouldn’t want to get complicated. Yeah, I winked.

MAN, THIS IS GETTING HEAVY
So, when Caesar went scrounging around the Hydra, he found a file folder filled with old copies of documents – some of Rousseau’s maps, the map to the Temple and, most importantly, a bit of Daniel’s journal. Let’s talk about that for a minute, shall we?

Does everyone remember in Back to the Future II when Doc was in the DeLorean and they were about to go back to 1985 and the lightning struck the car and the Doc was sent back to 1885? Marty was standing there in the rain, wondering what to do, when a Western Union representative showed up to give him a telegram.


“Doc … he’s alive! He’s in 1885 and he’s alive!”

Imagine, if you will, that these documents were gathered and left in the Hydra for a reason. Part of that reason could be research by Dharma, or Widmore, any other meddlesome force on the Island. They could, however, have been left by Daniel as a guide for someone – someone sent by his dear old mum. Someone like … Caeser, perhaps? It’s awfully convenient that Caesar just happened to be on that plane and sitting in first class, and now he’s snooping around a Dharma station, paying close attention to documents left behind. Then again, it could be innocent happenstance.

There is another, much more mind-blowing scenario regarding Daniel’s journal. Back in the analysis for “Jughead,” I talked a bit about Locke’s compass, and how he came to be in possession of it, and how later he gave it to Richard, who in turn later gave it to Locke, who went back in time and gave it to Richard, and so on, ad infinitum. My question in regards to the journal is, how did Daniel come into possession of the journal and how does it contain so many references to the Island and temporal phenomenon, etc? Theoretically, Daniel hasn’t really spent much time on the Island if our new “nosebleed monitors” are any indication. I still think that Daniel could be immune because he has a constant, but if we go by the nosebleed factor, Daniel has spent the least amount of time on the Island and yet he seems to know the most about what’s going on, at least temporally-speaking. Now, one simple explanation could be that the journal is his mother’s, full of careful notes she kept over the years as she lived on the Island. She does seem to be the temporal Queen in the Lost universe, so that would make a certain amount of sense.

This week’s recipe is a little different, mostly because it’s not a recipe, only a call for a tribute. I didn’t cover the death of John’s beloved Helen in the main column, so I thought it would be best to raise a toast to Locke’s one true love. They never got that final chance for happiness, but through Helen, John found strength and peace, even if it was for a small time. May we all be so lucky. So, pour a glass of your favorite – I’m going with a smooth glass of Jameson’s myself – and toast to life and death. Sláinte.

The really mind-blowing alternate theory, however, is that the journal truly is Daniel’s and he created it during his adventures in time on the Island. Think, if you will, that at some point in time, Daniel began to jump with the survivors. During that time, he noted everything that was going on, including his notes on temporal theory and places and things on the island. Truly finding himself stuck in the past somehow, he wrapped up the journal and had it delivered to himself by someone getting off the Island. Or, perhaps, he got off the island and managed to send it to himself. Whichever the case may be, Daniel has now caused a self-sustaining temporal loop, where an object exists solely because of the predestined time travel which occurred – much like Locke’s compass. Again, this is a loophole in the Novikov self-consistency principle, but it makes a warped amount of sense if you let your brain turn sideways for a moment.

Baked yet?

I’ll wrap it up there for this week, and let all of you chew on this temporal mayhem. I could go on and talk about whether Ben was predestined to kill Locke for the greater good and Richard knew it because Locke was talking to future Richard when he told Locke he was going to die. Or, I could theorize further on why some of the survivors – Kate, Hurley, Jack, Sawyer, etc. are jumping around together while others – Locke in particular – are not. I think I’ll let that particular sticky wicket percolate a bit more and revisit it in another week or so when there’s a lull. IF there’s a lull. We’ll probably also come back to talk about Locke’s resurrection and his apparent messiah leanings, so look for that in the following weeks.

Until then, keep thinking those good thoughts and if you have an epiphany, let me know. Oh, and did I tell all of you what Michael Emerson said this week …

Namaste.

Chris Kirkman is a graphic designer/photographer/journalist/geek extraordinaire with way too many Bruce Campbell movies in his library. He is still hoping that Lost will end when Bob Newhart wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette, complaining of a strange, strange dream. You can contact him at ckirkman@hobotrashcan.com.

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Note to Self – What would Andy Dick do?

Note to Self 1 Comment
Brian Murphy

Brian Murphy

There’s no real easy way to do this, so I’m just gonna come right out and say it – if you like the NFL combine, then I don’t like you as a person.

I know what you’re thinking – what the hell is he talking about? There’s no one on this planet who lives and breathes football more than me, so how can I be so hypocritical and pass judgment on anyone else who does the same? The answer is simple. What’s on TV right now is not football. It’s a bunch of dudes in their underwear lifting weights, running drills and getting poked and prodded by talent evaluators. That’s a borderline softcore gay porn (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

The idea of the NFL Network is one of the greatest creations in cable television history. I mean, everyone likes football, so having a dedicated channel to always flip to regardless of the time of day or year is a brilliant concept. The only problem is, there really isn’t enough programming to make it compelling TV around the clock, so once football season ends no one watches anymore. Everyone forgets about the NFL Network and goes back to watching shitty reality TV. (Quick sidenote: I started this column out by saying if you watch the combine, then I don’t like you as a person. Well, if you watch a show featuring Andy Dick in rehab I hope you die of gonorrhea.)

Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh yeah, no one watches the NFL Network until the “Bang Brothers” film crew starts airing highlights of draft-eligible prospects blowing away the competition in their individual workouts. Seriously, how is this show not hosted by the Queer Eye guys?

People are so starved for anything football related, so things quickly spirals out of control. Suddenly people care that Terrapin receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey ran the fastest 40-yard dash even though no one outside of the state of Maryland could identify him if they were standing next to him at the local Waffle House. So what if he rarely impacting a game (he finished his college career with just 13 touchdowns in 38 games) – the guy can run in a straight line really, really fast. And that’s got to count for something.

I don’t have anything personal against Heyward-Bey, he could very well turn out to be a solid NFL player, I just think that the morons running most NFL franchises put entirely too much stock into the combine and forget to consider how players like Heyward-Bey perform while … you know … actually playing football. So unless an All-Pro defensive back jams him at the starting line when he tries to run his 40-yard dash, then Heyward-Bey’s times should be taken with a grain of salt.

Everyone’s seen the YouTube video of Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson hurdling 66 inches during one of his legendary workouts. But the reason he’s memorable is because he’s a game-changing defender. Those freak of nature abilities actually translate to Wilson’s on-the-field play, but that’s not the case for everyone. If journeyman defensive back Ade Jimoh was jumping 66 inches no one would care because he can’t play football. Keep this stuff in perspective people.

Do you really care how many times [insert name of player here] can benchpress [insert amount of weight here]? No, you don’t. Because that information will never be spoken of again. Seriously, at no point during a football broadcast do you hear Troy Aikman say, “Well, L.J. Smith completely ran the wrong route there and now the Eagles will be forced to punt, but you know what – that guy can benchpress for days?” None of that shit matters to anyone outside of John Madden. And honestly, now that Brett Favre is retired again, here’s hoping Madden is too brokenhearted to find a new mancrush and just goes back to being the videogame Madden we all know and love.

So do yourself a favor a bypass the NFL combine all together. Let guys like Mel Kiper breakdown footage of men in their undies … you’re better than that. Watch hockey or basketball or Tiger Woods for god’s sake. The greatest golfer of our lifetime is back and that’s way more important than watching offensive linemen dry heave after attempting to “sprint” 40 whole yards. If you really can’t keep yourself away from the combine, you’re no better than Andy Dick. He may be a flaming douchebag, but at least he knows he needs help. Consider this your gay porn intervention.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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Murphy’s Law – Wolverines don’t dance

Murphy's Law 4 Comments
Joel Murphy

Joel Murphy

Like most fans of comic book movies, I got really excited when I saw the trailer for X-men Origins: Wolverine. Wolverine has always been the best of the X-men and his backstory has always been the most interesting, so getting to see a Wolverine spinoff that shows Weapon X fusing adamantium to Wolverine’s bones makes me giddy. Of course, the best part about the Wolverine movie is the fact that Hugh Jackman does a fantastic job playing the snarling anti-hero.

Jackman was great in the first two X-men movies (and don’t try to tell me he was great in the third film as well – I refuse to acknowledge that movie’s existence) and judging from the trailer for this one, he looks to be just as bad ass this time around. There is so much to love in that trailer, including the part where Wolverine pops up out of the tank and charges at the government agents experimenting on him, the scene where he tells Sabertooth that he is going to chop his head off and the clip where he slingshots himself onto a helicopter (which has now officially topped John McClane crashing a car into a chopper in Live Free or Die Hard for the “Most Ridiculous Way to Take Down a Helicopter” award). After watching the trailer four or five hundred times, I was ready to camp out in front of my local Cineplex so that I could be the first person in line to buy tickets for the May 1st premiere.

When I saw that Hugh Jackman was hosting the Academy Awards, I got equally as excited. While the Oscars can often be quite boring, I pictured Jackman hitting the stage sporting those muttonchop sideburns and a tank top, chomping on a cigar while clutching a whiskey. I imagined him growling his way through an angry tirade about annoying, whiney celebrities before tackling Paris Hilton out in the crowd and going for her throat with his adamantium claws.

When Jackman hit the stage in his fancy tux (sans whiskey or cigar), I was still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. After firing off a few quick jokes at the top of the show, Jackman said, “Due to cutbacks, the Academy said they didn’t have enough money for an opening number.” Still hopeful, I was expecting the next words out of his mouth to be: “So instead, Liev Schrieber is going to hit the stage and we are going to reenact our fight scene from the upcoming Wolverine movie.” Unfortunately, what he actually said was: “You know what, I’m going to do one anyway.”

Thing went downhill quickly from there. Before I had a chance to avert my eyes, Jackman was singing and dancing and whipping out homemade props like a low budget Carrottop. By the time he was dancing around with a bunch of guys in shiny unitards, I knew I’d never be able to look at Wolverine the same again.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, in the second hour of the broadcast Jackman came out on stage talking about Mama Mia and declaring that “The musical is back!” From there, he put on a top hat and went into a lavish dance number that had him dancing down a flight of stairs with a dozen other men in matching outfits while Beyonce belted out “Hey, big spender!” Before long, Zach Efron was out on the stage and instead of going for his jugular, Hugh Jackman was singing right along with him.

I would expect this kind of behavior from the guy who plays Cyclops, but I would like to think that the guy playing Wolverine in a big budget action film would know better than to get involved in highly choreographed dance numbers. I was willing to look the other way when Jackman was the executive producer and guest star of the musical drama Viva Laughlin (mainly because the show was canceled before I had time to get upset about it), but now he’s crossed the line. It was bad enough that he was the host of a show that shuns action movies in favor of artsy dramas, but choosing to strut his stuff on the stage is just going too far.

Look, I have nothing against musicals or big dance numbers. I did four years of theatre in high school and in middle school my best friend used to tap dance. If I can handle seeing my good friend doing jazz hands to “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” then I can handle seeing just about anything. But not Wolverine. Not like this. I still haven’t recovered from seeing Christian Bale prance around in Newsies. (At least that movie came out long before Bale was famous and he’s doing all he can to keep his tough guy image intact these days, including berating crew members in lengthy, profanity-laced tirades.)

So if you really can’t keep the dance numbers in check Hugh Jackman, then please at least lay low until after May 1st. The only way I want you to pop up on my TV between now and then is if TMZ catches you punching out a fan or setting your trailer on fire. Otherwise, I’m coming at you with a helicopter and you better just hope and pray that you can slingshot yourself onto it before I take you down – because using jazz hands ain’t gonna cut it.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.


You can register for an online paralegal school and get yourself your very own online paralegal degree without having to leave home, and proper online paralegal certificates are just as legitimate as a normal one.

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Review – The Boondock Saints (Blu-ray)

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Boondock Saints

The Boondock Saints

Release Date: February 10, 2009
Own it on Blu-ray

Director: Troy Duffy

Writer: Troy Duffy

Stars: Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flanery, Norman Reedus, David Della Rocco, Billy Connolly

MPAA Rating: R

HoboTrashcan’s Rating:

    “We must all fear evil men, but there is another kind of evil that we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men.”
    - Monsignor, The Boondock Saints

The Boondock Saints doesn’t fit nicely into a single genre. Instead, it’s an amalgamation of a straight action flick, a dark comedy and a crime drama. It’s the story of fraternal twins in South Boston who become vigilantes and the FBI agent trying to track them down. It’s pretty safe to say that it’s unlike any other film you have ever seen.

It’s the story of the McManus brothers, Connor and Murphy, who, after quarreling with members of the Russian mafia, decide to become vigilantes who rid the world of evil. They are aided by their friend David Della Rocco, a package boy for the Italian mafia, who provides them with a hit list of bad guys. Trying to catch the McManus brothers is Paul Smecker, a sassy FBI agent played perfectly by Willem Dafoe. In addition to Smecker, the boys are being hunted by Il Duce, an unstoppable freelance hitman played by Billy Connolly.

The film has an incredibly strong cast. Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus do a great job playing the McManus brothers, David Della Rocco is excellent as David Della Rocco (a part that was written specifically for him, which is why the character shares his real name), Bob Marley (sadly, not Jamaican singer) offers some great comic relief as Detective Greenly and Billy Connolly is amazing as Il Duce. But the best performance by far is Willem Dafoe’s portrayal of Paul Smecker.

Paul Smecker is a truly memorable character and it’s hard to imagine anyone except Dafoe playing the role. He’s an incredibly intelligent and intuitive FBI agent with a low tolerance for stupidity. (All of his interactions with the moronic Detective Greenly are hysterical, especially when he shoots down Greenly’s “huge guy” and “serial crusher” theories). What’s most interesting about the character is the ethical dilemma he finds himself in – he believes what the McManus brothers are doing is necessary, but as an officer of the law, he is morally obligated to bring them to justice. Smecker is also a homosexual, but while he is certainly quite sassy, he’s far from a stereotypical Hollywood portrayal of a gay man. Smecker actually smacks his partner in the head and calls him a “fag” when he tries to cuddle and he gets kicked out of a gay bar for calling the bartender who cuts him off a “fairy fuck.” Much like Omar in The Wire, while the officers around Smecker seem to know he is gay, they respect him and fear his wrath enough not to make an issue out of it. Every scene that Smecker is in is a memorable one, although seeing Dafoe dressed as a woman at the end of the film is a memory you will most likely want to forget. (If you are wondering what crossdressing Dafoe looks like, picture the female Gremlin in Gremlins 2.)

One thing that writer/director Troy Duffy does that sets this film apart from most straight action films and crime dramas is he shows the McManus brothers heading to their victim’s location, then he cuts to the aftermath and shows Agent Smecker and the Boston Police Department investigating the crime. It’s only as Agent Smecker begins to unravel what happened that we see how things played out when the McManus brothers arrived on the scene. The best use of this concept is when Duffy shows the brothers’ first encounter with Il Duce. Duffy actually superimposes Agent Smecker pantomiming his version of what happened at the crime scene on top of the footage of the McManus brothers and Rocco squaring off with the hitman, which is a very memorable visual sequence.

The film was released with little fanfare in 1999, but eventually the movie gained a huge cult following on DVD. Thanks to the secondary success and strong DVD sales, Duffy is currently filming Boondock Saints 2 (though sadly, Willem Dafoe will not be returning for the sequel). Also, on February 10, the original film was released for the first time on Blu-ray.

Those of you who have seen the film on DVD will be surprised at how much brighter and more vibrant the picture looks on Blu-ray. While the picture still looks a bit grainy, overall the picture quality is much better than on the original DVD. The sound quality is also vastly improved.

The Blu-ray version comes with a host of extras, including two audio commentaries – one by writer/director Troy Duffy and one by actor Billy Connolly. There are also outtakes, deleted scenes and the original theatrical trailer (which is terrible and a very poor representation of the film, which may explain why the film didn’t do very well in theaters). Also, for those of you who want to reenact your favorite scenes, the disc includes the original script.

The Blu-ray release also includes two versions of the film – the original theatrical release and an extended director’s cut. In the wake of the Columbine shootings, the film’s release date was delayed and the film was heavily restricted by the MPAA due to its violent content. The director’s cut of the film includes all of the violent scenes that were original sanitized in the finished product. The only real difference is that the director’s cut features more blood splatter, and to be completely honest, it’s difficult to tell the difference between the two versions of the film. So, if blood splatter is your thing, then go for the director’s cut, but honestly you aren’t missing out on anything by sticking with the theatrical version of the film (which still has a body count of 33 and 246 utterances of the word “fuck”).

If you already own the film on DVD, you could probably be perfectly content with the DVD version of the film, but I still recommend picking it up on Blu-ray. If you’ve never seen The Boondock Saints or if you have seen it, but don’t own it, then I highly recommend picking up the Blu-ray version.

Boondock Saints

Written by Joel Murphy. The Boondock Saints is available now on Blu-ray.

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