I’ve made mention of it in the past, but now I feel that it’s time to tell you my harrowing tale.
Shortly before Christmas, I was told that my real-life job, the one I’d worked in since mere weeks after graduating college, no longer existed. Actually, my boss’s exact words were “I have to move you.” To which I chipperly replied “where to?” as I genuinely believed in those seconds that my desk was being shifted elsewhere or that maybe I was getting my own office. But that’s not what she meant.
See, my job was being eliminated, but I was not being fired. I was being moved across the hall to be the assistant to a bunch of higher-ups in the finance department. Assisting three men in high positions for the same minuscule shekels that I started at. Of course I immediately burst into tears. I didn’t want this job. I didn’t want to “assist” anyone, because fuck that. I definitely didn’t want to assist anyone in finance, as I literally don’t know how money works. I know that I can take this little shiny plastic card thing and exchange it for goods and/or services, but beyond that, I got nothin’.
My former job was an administrative one, which is natural as, again, it was my first job out of college and I’d only been there a year and a half. But I wasn’t really doing a lot of “assisting.” I was doing real stuff, stuff that actually utilized my degree and all the money my parents spent on an expensive private college. This new job held no future of real stuff. Just staples and copies and fetching people costly food items while I live on non-fat yogurt and communal beverages because I make one sixth of what they do. And not to be reverse-sexist, but I’d be doing this for men. My former boss was a kickass woman, who never asked me to get her lunch or coffee unless I offered. Now I’d be working with three middle-aged men who would expect that daily, which is a difficult thing to get used to and not want to scream “get it yourself, asshole” and run out and grow your leg hair and fight the power.
I didn’t want it. But I had no choice, and I was apparently supposed to be grateful for this.
“You know, lots of people are just losing their jobs. You should be thankful.”
From the time I found out about this change to present-day, I’ve heard the above almost forty labajilliontrillion times. Every time I hear it, I get stabby. Because I’m not thankful. Don’t pull your “oh yeah, you have health insurance and a steady income? Don’t talk to me about misery” bullshit with me. Because yeah, I’m happy to have those. But to waste away in this horrible mind-numbing thankless position, making WAY less money than the position should actually pay just because it’s what I was already making, having to do completely not-work-related tasks just because the six-figure earners above me don’t know how to do it, all the while being talked down to because I’m less-than, AND being told that it’s somehow a gift? Kill me.
It’s a gift like the measles blankets were a gift to the Native Americans. “You know, lots of Indians don’t have blankets. You should be thankful.”
So long story short, I’m miserable with no out, because the economy broke and there aren’t any jobs. And I know I’m not alone. A lot of my friends are just now entering the job market, coming out swinging with a Masters degree, tons of student loan debt and no prospects. Luckily, I’m here to help:
Four Jobs We Should Probably All Start Looking Into
4. Hired Hitman
The rich are staying rich, and it’s us, the fragile middle-class, who suffer. And what do rich people like to do with their money? Have people killed. Look, I’ve seen Grosse Point Blank like 600 times. I think I know how this works. And Martin Blank did it for years before finally losing it and calling it quits. But we’d only need to do it long enough to ride the recession out. And while that could take a while, it certainly won’t take long enough to drive us to the brink of insanity. I’ve got four years until my 10 Year Reunion. I’m sure we can knock this economy business out in under three.
3. Liquor Store Owner
I haven’t seen any studies on this, but I’d venture a good bet* that while every other retailer suffers, the liquor providers are booming. And because people are pinching pennies, I really really bet that PBR and Yellow Tail wine sales have been through the roof. If I didn’t believe the stock market was just imaginary money laughing at us through fiber optics and wires, I would totally invest in them.
* I would have to bet non-fat yogurt instead of money, because as I mentioned above, I have a surplus of that. And sugar-free Jell-O and Lipton Soup.
2. HR Firer
My company, while ruining my young life and the lives of others, was still hiring HR personnel up until very recently and may in fact still be doing so. And this is because it takes a lot of manpower to get rid of people just before and just after the holidays. There’s a lot of paperwork and calls back and forth with various suicide-watch programs.
1. Babysitter for the Obamas
This one is seriously. Call me, B and Michelle. I’m super great with kids; just ignore all the swears above, I totally had someone else do that because I’m a super leader.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.