Editor’s Note: Ned Bitters is busy trying to convince the Mexican/American border patrol that he had no idea what was stuffed inside those pinatas, so while he searches for a good lawyer, today we bring you a special guest column from Brandon Miller.]
Once upon a time, large families were something rarely seen in this country. In fact, you’d have to go back to our grandparents’ generation to see large families as the norm in our society.
My grandmother was the youngest of 12 children. Why? My great-grandfather was a share cropper and having another child meant another hand to help in the field. Times have changed though. Life got easier and these days everyone seems content with their wife, house and 2.5 children, but thanks to TLC and mainstream media, breeding is now a circus act.
Let start at the beginning …
The Story of The Gosselins
John met Kate in 1997 at a picnic and I’m sure he had no idea what was in store for him. They got married and immediately Kate wanted a baby, but John wasn’t sure (you might not believe this, but Kate is kind of pushy). On their second shot of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), they scored twins. Oh happy day … miracle babies.
A year goes by and guess what? Kate wants more kids, John wants to wait. So they have more kids. This time she loads her clip with as many bullets as it can take and was absolutely opposed to a reduction. In 2004, Kate gave birth to six more babies to bring us to the awesome title of: John and Kate Plus 8. Could life be more perfect? Well, yes. If John had a pair of balls, he would have told Kate to be happy with the two healthy babies they were lucky enough to have in the first place and to not tempt fate.
We know how this story ends. They get their own television show and John is forever being talked down to and berated by Kate while the kids are running around being normal kids. The E! Channel is going to have a field day when these little brats come of age. We know that Hollywood child stars typically grow up messed up, but we’re going into new territory – reality child stars. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, but fear not, TLC will film every second of it so you don’t miss one second of these “miracle babies” charmed lives.
The Hand of God Touched The Duggars
From their website (please don’t give them any hits on their site. I feel dirty about the one I gave them):
Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar married July 21st, 1984. At that time, they chose to use the birth control pill. They thought, “We don’t want children right now. We can’t afford them. We want children in our timing, when we’re ready.” Four years later they decided to have their first child. Then, Michelle went back on the pill, but she conceived and had a miscarriage. At that point they talked with a Christian medical doctor and read the fine print in the contraceptives package. They found that while taking the pill you can get pregnant and then miscarry. They were grieved! They were Christians! They were pro-life! They realized that their selfish actions had taken the life of their child. They prayed and asked God to forgive them, and to teach them to love children like He loves children. They asked God to bless them with as many children as He saw fit in His timing. Right after that Michelle got pregnant with twins! To date they have been blessed with 17 children, (10 boys and 7 girls) Joshua (& wife Anna), Jana & John-David (twins), Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah & Jeremiah (twins), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer (and #18 due in January 2009!).
In December little Jordyn was born to bring them to a total of 18 children that walked out of Michelle’s birth canal (which now comes complete with road signs and truck stops). They also added a daughter-in-law this past year. I feel bad for that poor girl who was pulled into this clan of whackjobs. There’s no way I would buy all my new sister and brother-in-laws Christmas presents.
I like that early on they decided to hold off on having kids because of money and timing – when exactly do you find time to have and make enough money to support 18 kids? Not to mention all the time to come up with all of those make-believe “J” names. In case you are wondering, that’s not how you really spell Ginger.
I think the worst part is that they say their family explosion was God’s doing. I mean just because Jim Bob is some kind of sex freak doesn’t mean God wanted him to make babies every time he has sex with his wife. I was blessed with two healthy children. Does that mean God hates me? Or does he just love The Duggars that much more?
For the answers to all these questions and more, tune into to TLC.
Nadya Suleman, a.k.a. Octomom
Holy crap! Where do I start with this train wreck?
Okay, she’s unemployed, single, lives in a three-bedroom house with her parents, lives on money from a settlement from a back injury, has six kids already and gets $490 a month in food stamps (three of her first six children also get federal supplemental security income because they are disabled), and looks like poor man’s Angelina Jolie that was in a fistfight and lost … badly. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, and some quack of a doctor decided it was good idea to give this “mother of the year” candidate eight more kids.
I know how much time a kid takes out of your day. Like I said, I’ve got two daughters whose energy levels are far superior to mine. How does anyone have enough time for 14 kids and still have energy for everything else that comes up during a normal day? It’s a trick question. You can’t and neither can the Octomom.
Lucky for her, she doesn’t have to because a couple bleeding hearts and their nut-job friends want these “miracle babies” (have you noticed the overuse of miracle baby, yet?) to be cared for and loved by them and they want to support the multiple terrible decisions that brought these babies into existence.
This is the part of this story that everyone needs to really listen to. A non-profit organization offered “Octomom” (doesn’t it sound like she should be battling Spider-Man, not social workers?) housing, counseling, around-the-clock medical and welfare care of the eight newborns, the six older kids and her. Awesome. It’s great someone wanted to step in and help. I’m all for that. But the crazy big-lipped monstrosity turned it down when she learned their only stipulation was she couldn’t do a reality TV show.
Why be a responsible parent and give her kids the best care possible when she could follow in the footprints of sackless John and bitchy Kate or The Duggars? Mouth-breathing TLC watchers are going to love this shit.
After you read please never acknowledge these people again … unless they’re the punchline to a joke. If you or someone you know watches these shows please stop. And don’t buy their books either. I don’t want my children growing up believing people don’t need to strive to achieve anything, have a good education or actually possess talent. Why put forth any real effort to attain anything in life when all you need is some fallopian tubes and a sperm donor? That lethal combination is apparently enough to ensure you too can be America’s new sweetheart.
Brandon Miller is a grown up version of Milhouse Van Houten from The Simpsons.