Ladies and gentlemen and Dad, there is something I need to tell you. I am an asshole.
Yes, friends, it’s true. I, your faithful crusader against asshole-ery is in fact herself an inhabitant of Assholedonia. And why, specifically? Because I judge. I’m a judger. A person who judges.
I judge all kinds of things. I judge people who prefer Slater over Zack. I judge people who watch The Hills. I judge people who like cilantro. I judge people who don’t like sweets. I judge people who don’t read. I judge people who prefer pie to cake. I judge people who refuse to give Buffy a try. I judge people who order salads at McDonalds. I judge people who wear flip flops when it’s below 55 degrees. I judge people who drink too much or smoke too much weed and I judge people who have never tried either of the two. I judge people’s shoes. I judge people who still quote Office Space and Napoleon Dynamite. I judge people who don’t like dogs. I judge people who make fun of Britney Spears. I judge people who don’t like Conan. I judge super religious people and people who make fun of religious people. I judge judgers. I judge jugglers. I judge Judy.
And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. In fact, I’m probably judging you right now. I am a bad person.
I don’t mean to be, and in all actuality, I’m pretty nice. There are people in this world who like me and everything. I don’t like being judgmental. I even have a really hard time spelling the word judgment. But it’s the truth of me.
When I said I judge judgers, I wasn’t kidding. I can’t stand people who decide something about a person before they get to know them. I also hate hypocrites. Thinking anymore about these things could cause my brain to implode and kill us all, but I’ll try.
I believe that all judgmental people are driven by one thought: I am right. We of the judginess are staunch in these feelings. And some judgers are wrong and that makes it wrong. But I’m usually right and therefore that makes it okay.
This is the way of the judger mind. I am justified in my negative feelings because they are true.
The thing is, they usually are. I’m usually right. My judgment accuracy is seriously something in which I take pride. I would like a medal and perhaps a parade. You hear a lot of people say things like: “When I met her I couldn’t stand her, but now we’re good friends.” I’ve never had that. And it is indeterminable whether it is because I’m so correct and awesome or because I write people off. But in the mobius strip that is my brain, I only write off people who are lame anyway, so I win.
And this is of course why I am an asshole. But it doesn’t make me wrong.
You meet someone at a party. Everyone at the party loves them and they’re good friends with your friends and you assume you’ll get along with them just fine. Then you start to see that they’re awful. They’re stand-offish. They’re pretentious. They’re boring. And you have no idea why people enjoy this person’s company. This has happened to most of us at one point in time or another. Now, maybe everyone is super justified in liking this person and they can be really great. But why would you want to waste your time getting to know that person when they couldn’t have the decency to be remotely kind or human to you upon your first meeting?
This is how I feel about those that I judge. I know that I won’t like you and you probably won’t like me, and since I can’t be rude to you, I will judge you in my mind. Why’s that so wrong?
I question whether or not it is. I know that it’s an assholey thing to do. I know in the sunshine fairy heart cloud some of you sit upon, we should judge no one and love everyone and I am a bad person for feeling this way.
HA, GOTCHA. You are the one who is the judgey one now.
Look, I could be an open-air bitch. I could be rude and thoughtless to people’s faces. But I’m not. (Usually.) So I just do it behind their backs. Don’t start with me. If someone never finds out how you feel towards them, it’s like it never happened. It’s polite to be two-faced. That’s why I believe in Harvey Dent.
The common thread in these “Things Assholes Like” posts is my general disdain for people who are totally fine with their despicable habits and who possibly even celebrate them. And that is why no asshole is safe from me, including me. I am what I hate and I must do my best to be less so.
But then what the hell would I have to write about? Shit, this whole column would turn to sad dust. So quit judging me for judging everyone and let’s go on about our judgey days. Judge you later.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.