Chris Kirkman

“He’s Our You” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost: Little Harry Potter, I mean Ben Linus, runs into Richard “The Timeless Wonder” Alpert looking a bit disheveled in the jungle of mystery, back in 1974. Ben wants to join the Hostiles. Richard tells him that he must be patient before he can join. Yeah, you’re probably going to have to wait about 18 years or so. Back in 2007, grown-up Ben has been manipulating Sayid into killing a whole bunch of people, before they join Jack, Kate, and Hurley on Ajira Flight 316. Destination? 1977. Back in the ’70s, Jin finds Sayid wandering around near the Flame and has no choice but to take him captive. Later, in the Dharma brig, young Ben brings Sayid a sandwich, and they meet again for the first time.

This week on Lost: When I said all hell was going to break loose this week, I had no idea what might happen, nor did I think I’d have to wait until the last 30 seconds of the episode to find out exactly how prophetic that statement would become. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover after the episode, so this recap is going to be fast and frenetic. Let’s do it!

When Sayid was a boy, his father asked his brother to kill a chicken, but his brother couldn’t do it. So, Sayid when into the pen and broke the chicken’s neck. When his father found out who had killed the chicken, he looked at Sayid and his brother and said, “At least one of you will grow to be a man,” before turning his back and walking away. Ahh, daddy issues. Where would Lost be without you?

As we all know by this point, it’s a Sayid flashback episode, and the traditional flashbacks are back! Well, okay, so Sayid’s really in 1977 and the flashbacks occur all over time after this particular time, but it’s in Sayid’s own personal timeline and … nevermind. You know what I mean. At any rate, let’s just cover the flashbacks right up front.

Sometime between 2005 and 2007, Sayid continues to kill for Ben. He makes his last hit in Moscow, killing a man that tried to bribe him with money from his safe. Sayid then proceeds to exit the building and meet Ben in a cold, dark alley. Ben proceeds to tell Sayid that this man was the last of those in Widmore’s group that could be of potential harm to his friends, and then tells Sayid that he’s pretty much done. Sayid goes off to build houses in the Dominican Republic.

In 2007, Ben finds Sayid working in the D.R. and tells him that Locke is dead, and that he thinks he was murdered. Yeah, Ben, by you, you delightful little bastard. Ben then tells Sayid that someone has been watching Hurley outside the Santa Rosa Mental Institute, and that Sayid has the power to stop them. Sayid tells Ben that he’s done, he doesn’t like to kill, to which Ben responds dryly that he must have been mistaken, then. Oh, Ben, why do I love such a bastard?

Later in 2007, we flash back to the time when Jack, Kate, Sun and Sayid are all gathered on the docks, and Sun has a gun to Ben’s head. Everyone disbands and Sayid heads straight to a bar, where he sips on $120-a-glass MacCutcheon’s scotch. Soon, a familiar face shows up and sits a couple of chairs down from him. It’s Ilana, the woman we see escorting him to Guam a couple of episodes back in “316.” They flirt, she orders a big steak and soon Sayid is buying her her own glass of MacCutcheons. Okay, seriously, let me interrupt this flashback to say guys listen up: Nothing good ever comes from a girl picking you up in a bar. Take it from me. The same probably holds true for the same situation online, but I’m too dumb to stop falling for it.

Danger sign #1: She talks to you first. Danger sign #2: She looks like this. Danger sign #3: She orders a steak. Danger sign #4: You infer that she could be a prostitute and she doesn’t slap the curls out of your hair.

A few minutes later, they’re both back in Sayid’s room, about to get it on – that is, until Ilana does a roundhouse kick to Sayid’s head and then pulls a gun on him. Yup, double-crossed again. Told you so, bucko. Ilana informs Sayid that she’s been hired by the family of the guy he shot on the golf course and that he’s going to Guam.

A little later, Ilana is escorting Sayid through the airport on the way to Ajira Airways Flight 316. Sayid is fine until he starts seeing Jack and Kate and Hurley and Sun, and then he realizes that, holy shit, he’s about to end up back on the Island. So, he suggests another flight. Nothing doing, says Ilana, and they board. On the plane, Sayid sees Ben board and he asks Ilana if she’s working for Ben. She doesn’t seem to know who Ben is, so Sayid lays out that he’s a lying, manipulative, murdering bastard. Ilana doesn’t know how anyone could work for such a man. Sayid simply says, “I did.” And … we’re all caught up.

Now, back to 1977, if you please. Sayid’s still down in Dharma jail after being taken down there last episode by Sawyer. Ben brings Sayid another sandwich – chicken salad, yum – and a book (Carlos Castaneda’s A Separate Reality, more on that later). Ben asks Sayid about Richard and says that he’ll help Sayid because he wants to get out of there. Horace and Radzinsky show up a little later, remove the plastic ties around his hands and ask him who he is and if he’s in trouble with his people. Sayid simply says thank you, and Horace says that he’s afraid they’re going to have to kick it up a notch. Bam!

Back in main Dharmaville, Juliet’s cooking up some bacon (yummm – you should’ve taken a drink if you were playing along with the drinking game!), but not paying it much attention because she’s staring out the window, contemplating how long it would take to dig a grave for the bitch that’s now living across the way. Sawyer comes in and assures her that everything is just going to be a-okay, and to keep her pantyhose on, he’s working on it.

Sawyer, you bastard … look at that face. Don’t screw this up, bub.

Sawyer suits up, get his LaFleur on and heads down to the Dharma jail to talk to Sayid. He tries to convince Sayid to pretend to be a Hostile deserter, and Sayid tells him to stuff it. Later, Roger Linus comes in to clean outside Sayid’s cell and they have a little chit chat. Roger says that he’s amazed that Sayid was captured by these morons, and Sayid tells Roger that they might be morons, but Roger is cleaning up after them. Oooooh, burn. Ben shows up with another sandwich, and Roger gets a teeny bit pissed, and shoves his kid around a little. Sayid actually has a problem with this, but does nothing to stop it.

The next bit can only be described with pictures, because it is so very classic.

Back at the “we think we’re cool kids” table, Hurley has made breakfast …

“… soooo I got this cool new logo now and all. Oh, and did you guys know that Sawyer and Juliet are shacking up these days?”

“Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. Where’s my dynamite?”

Sayid won’t play ball with the Dharma folks, so they have no choice but to load him up and take him to see Oldham, and Sawyer soon tells Sayid that “he’s our you.” Doesn’t sound good. They tie Sayid to a tree, and Oldham douses a sugar cube with either a psychotropic concoction of his own, or a little sodium pentathol, and shoves it in Sayid’s mouth. How do I know it’s sodium pentathol? Because long before Lost, I was watching the Bristows use the stuff like candy all the damn time in another J.J. Abrams joint known as Alias. Anywho, it’s not long before Sayid is loopy as hell and willing to tell them the box scores to the last Knicks game. He proceeds to spout off about the various Dharma stations around the island, including the Swan, which hasn’t even been built yet. He confesses to have come to the island on a plane and to have spent over 100 days there before returning to the mainland. He also confesses to come from the future.

It’s about that time when Sayid gets a little punch drunk. Heh.

Needless to say, Horace, Radzinsky and Oldham are not happy with the results of their truth serum.

Back in Dharmaville, Kate has come to work with Juliet in the motor pool. Kate soon tells Juliet that she knows about her and Sawyer and that it’s all good, she was done with his hick ass anyway, and Juliet says that she’s relieved because she didn’t know how she was going to tell Kate without it sounding like she was saying “stay away from my man, bitch, or I’ll make you bleed.” They have an awkward little friend moment when you wonder if Juliet might just grab a crescent wrench and beat Kate anyway, until Sawyer and the others show up with Sayid and escort him back to jail.

Okay, I know this is going to sound strange, but putting the girls in those little blue mechanic’s jumpsuits is just HOT. Somebody grab the grease gun! Okay, that sounded dirty.

Ahem. Later that night, the head honchos of Dharma all meet at Horace’s house and discuss the fate of Sayid. There’s some arguing, but in the end, Horace’s wife Amy says that she wouldn’t feel safe with him away and that they should kill him. Man, that is one cold bitch. Of course, she was just about raped by the Hostiles, so who could blame her? It’s put to a vote and all but Sawyer vote yes. Horace tells Sawyer that he’d like to make it unanimous and Sawyer reluctantly acquiesces, since he’s stuck between Iraq and a heart case.

Knowing well what’s going to happen, Sawyer heads down to Dharma jail to give Sayid an out. He tells Sayid to beat him up and take his keys so that Sayid can escape. Again, Sayid refuses, stating that all of it doesn’t make sense, that they are all back on the Island, and there seems to be no purpose in it. Sayid tells Sawyer to leave, and so he does.

Sawyer heads over to Kate’s bungalow and asks her if she knows why everyone came back. She doesn’t know why everyone else came back, but she knows why she did. We do, too, you homewrecking whore. Before she has a chance to open her freckled face, though, a flaming Dharma van comes plunging out of the darkness and into one of the bungalows. All hell breaks loose as everyone runs for firehoses located around the village, and they get the fire under control. While everyone is distracted, little Ben sneaks down into the jail and offers to set Sayid free if he will take him to the Hostiles. Sayid agrees, and they make their escape.

As they flee into the jungle, another Dharma van approaches. It’s Jin, and Sayid comes out to confront him. He tells Jin that Sawyer helped him escape, and Jin just wants to check in with Sawyer to make sure. Sayid doesn’t wait for that, and knocks Jin unconscious. Ben comes out from hiding in the brush and is amazed that Sayid is able to do that. He then tells Sayid that they should probably get going, but Sayid hesitates. He has his hands on Jin’s pistol now, and we all see what’s about to happen. Sayid turns to Ben and says, “You were right about me … I am a killer.” He then raises his hand and proceeds to pop a cap in young Ben’s ass.

“Why didn’t … you tell … me … you didn’t … like … chicken salad …” THUD

Although we could all see it coming, in the select few seconds of silence after Ben’s body hits the ground, everyone watching suddenly starts to realize the implications of what has just happened, and there is the low, steadily-growing sound of heads exploding across the nation.

Cue the thonk!

Well, damn folks … that was a classic ending. I thought for a second there that Sayid was going to bite the big one since his story seemed over, but it looks like he’s found a new purpose on the Island: that old temporal cliche of killing Hitler before he comes into power. Oh, Sayid, if only it were that simple.

Obviously, the big question for this week is what the hell happens now, if little Ben is dead? By that one act, Sayid opened up a giant can of temporal worms that could cause all quantum hell to break loose, or it could just be the first in a series of very fortunate events. In order to fully understand the implications, and theorize what the potential outcome may finally be, we’re going to have to delve back into some temporal theory. We’ve talked in depth about string theory (in the analysis for the fifth season opener), and the time travel theories of Hedges Theory and the Novikov self-consistency principle (in the analysis for “Jughead”), so if you need to review those before we start, please go right ahead. I’ll be bringing up the Novikov self-consistency principle a bit, but in an altered form. Right now, I’m going to delve into something that I’ve covered in the past, as well (in the analysis for “The Other Woman”) – divergent timeline and static timeline theory. I’ll also be talking about mutable timeline theory and multiple branching universe theory (otherwise known as the Multiverse).

Just one thing to keep in mind as we’re reviewing these – it is assumed, for the sake of our arguments here, that little Ben is dead. I’ll talk about alternatives to that outcome after we cover these for things, okay? Let’s do this!

WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NOW?

Static Timeline Theory
The static timeline theory that I mentioned in my analysis last season of “The Other Woman” was really a misnomer. I have changed that name to reflect what it is really showing, and it will be represented a little later as Mutable Timeline Theory.

Static timeline theory is basically the same theory that I’ve been harping about for most of this season. It is sometimes referred to as predestination theory. It relates to the Novikov self-consistency principle, which I summarized a bit in the analysis for “Jughead”:

“This principle is pretty much what Daniel was spouting off about in the season premiere. He explained to the left-behinders basically that ‘whatever has happened has happened, and you can’t change it.’ Some call it destiny, but temporal philosophers call it sell-consistency.”

Essentially, what static timeline theory states in relation to what has happened with Ben is that in the history of the world, it has always gone down that little Ben was shot by Sayid. Got that? History has always shown little Ben getting shot by Sayid and that will never ever ever change. Sayid was always destined to go back in time and always destined to shoot little Ben in the chest. So, if this is the theory that the events in Lost adhere to, it will be interesting to see how all of this plays out. Since there are clues as to the validity of this theory in relation to the Island and what’s happened, we’ll take a closer look at this after we go over the next three theories.

Divergent Timeline Theory
I first talked about divergent timeline theory last year in the analysis for “The Other Woman.” I used it to illustrate how Daniel’s memory could be swiss-cheesed after his experiments with Eloise, the rat. Let’s take a look at what I wrote back then, in relation to divergent timeline theory:

“Divergent timeline theory is the cleanest and safest of the theories surrounding time travel and the effects of monkeying around in the past. In figure 1, you’ve hopped in the DeLorean and gone back to 1955, where you run over one of old man Peabody’s pine trees. At that exact moment, an alternate divergent timeline skewed off from the one in which you first hopped in the DeLorean, so when you head back to the future, there’s only one pine tree (fig. 2). The other timeline with twin pines still exists, but in an alternate timeline in which you never traveled back in time and killed one of the pines and therefore it is inaccessible to you.”

In relation to what’s happened with Ben within this theory, the act of Ben being shot immediately created a divergent timeline where Ben never grew up, never let loose the toxic gas to kill of the Dharma Initiative and, essentially, never harassed the Oceanic survivors or turned the Great Wheel to move the island and set the time traveling in motion in the first place. I think you all can see how divergent timeline theory can really open up a bottle of temporal whoopass, right?

Now, if all this has happened and we’re dealing with divergent timeline theory, then there is no possible way that the survivors could now return to the future they left. They would have to somehow go back into the past and ensure that Sayid did not go through with his plan to shoot Ben, essentially setting right what went wrong, and all the while hoping that the next leap would be the leap home …

Mutable Timeline Theory
Mutable timeline theory is what I referred to as “static timeline theory” back in my analysis for “The Other Woman” last season. I changed the name because the timeline in this theory really isn’t static – there is only one timeline, but it’s able to be changed. The effects of something in the past being changed in this theory act as a sort of “timewave” that completely rewrites everything from the point that was changed or went wrong. Here, to get a better understanding, let’s look at what I wrote last year:

“Mutable timeline theory can get a little hairy. You hop in the DeLorean, as usual, and go back to 1955 and run over one of old man Peabody’s trees, as in fig. 1. At that exact moment, the entire timeline from that point on is completely destroyed and rewritten based on what occurred in the past. There were NO twin pines in your future, and therefore you would only remember a single, lone pine in 1985. This is a predestination paradox, which basically states that whatever has happened in the past was meant to happen and our current timeline reflects that. Now, the sticky part comes in on fig. 3. Let’s say you decide to go BACK to 1955 again and you aren’t paying attention to what you’re doing and run over Doc Brown as he’s crossing the street. At that exact moment, the entire timeline would change, completely eradicating any evidence that you, the DeLorean or Doc Brown ever existed. Oh, and you never ran over a pine tree, either, so now there are twin pines again. That’s heavy, I know. That’s the sticky part of mutable timeline theory.”

I’ve used the DeLorean and Back to the Future for many of these examples, and mutable timeline theory is sort of like when Marty’s picture from 1985 starts to fade. He’s got a certain amount of time before his timeline is erased completely, at the point when his parents are supposed to kiss on the dance floor. In the same vein, if our timeline in Lost is mutable, then the survivors have set in motion a “timewave” that will soon erase their existence and rework the timeline in order to eradicate the paradox. The only way that this theory could really work in a literary sense for Lost is if Faraday knows that it’s happening and can warn the survivors of what they need to do to set things right.

Honestly, this one was a front-runner last season when it was just Daniel’s subconscious mind wandering about the temporal frontier, but now that there’s a whole mess of Oceanic survivors mucking around in the past, it would almost be literary suicide to start running with this particular theory.

And now, diverging almost completely from temporal theory, and running with the crossover of different realities and alternate universes, I give you …

Multiple Branching Universe Theory

This theory relates to the belief that crossover rifts can develop in the continuum between alternate universes, at points where specific timelines overlap. It is very similar in scope to divergent timeline theory in that any action in the past can instantaneously create a separate timeline, and therefore a separate reality, that branches off significantly from the main timeline. For instance, the moment that Ben was shot was a branching continuum point where several realities could intersect. In a parallel dimension – the one that we know and have followed – Ben was not shot at that point. Either Sayid wasn’t there, or Sayid hesitated and Ben was able to escape, or all manner of outcomes that resulted in Ben living. On the other hand, there are also an infinite number of realities that could have branched out from that specific spot that ended with Ben’s death. Sayid and Jin could have wrestled with the pistol and it went off, or he was hit by the Dharma van as it came by … basically any scenario you could imagine where it happens at the exact same moment where all the space-time continuums overlap.

Multiple branching universe (multiverse) theory doesn’t really deal too much with temporal causalities; rather, this theory deals with opening rifts between realities that allow individuals, consciousnesses and constructs to pass back and forth. With multiverse theory, Dan’s experiments with Eloise and the ones with Dharma would have been to tap into those multiple realities. When the Great Wheel was turned, the Island started skipping about through not only times, but realities that are lined up very closely to our own. These close alternate realities only differ from our own in a miniscule way, branching and diverging at subtle points throughout history, and there may be multiple points where the two realities overlap each other in the future, which would allow for transit between the two again.

The difficulty with multiverse theory is that it’s a very complex thing to relate in a literary sense. However, multiverse theory would allow for multiple standard temporal paradoxes to occur without much consequence, other than for the future of the current reality in which our survivors now inhabit.

If you’re missing out on this week’s drink recipe, then you’re not getting the whole story. One last thought that came to me about Ben and this predicament is the existence of something so preposterous, so outlandish, that it just might be true. This explanation can be traced back to a little red herring introduced in season two of Lost: the evil twin. Perhaps, just perhaps, the Ben that was shot was not the somewhat-maladjusted Benjamin Linus that grows up to gas all of his people. Maybe we haven’t seen the whole story, and Ben has a doppelganger, somewhere on the Island or in a parallel universe, a la multiverse theory. Is it crazy? Is it improbable? Sure! But some have said the same thing about time travel … THE EVIL TWIN 1 bottle of Sambuca 1 bottle of Jagermeister 2 small shot glasses Make sure the Jager is well-chilled. Keep the sambuca at room temperature. Fill one shot glass with sambuca and the other with Jager. Down the sambuca shot, then almost immediately the Jager shot. Although the two seem diametrically opposed, you’ll soon find that they form a deliciously complex mix on your palette, almost as if they aren’t really that different at all. Next round, shoot the Jager first, then the sambuca. The sambuca is light, but sharp, which will clear your senses and make you think a little clearer. The Jager is dark, but mellow, and will entice you to dance on a table with a lamp on your head. Continue to repeat alternated shots until one side of your personality wins out over another. I hope for the sake of your loved ones, it’s the light side. Just to be safe, hide the button that activates the nerve gas reserves.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS REALLY GOING ON?
When we first went over static timeline theory, I mentioned that there were many clues that pointed toward it being the one that reigns over the story in Lost. First and foremost, Faraday has stated many, many times in past episodes that “what has happened, happened.” As a matter of fact, the title of the next episode is “Whatever happened, happened.” This points directly to static timeline theory in that the timeline is unchangeable. The history of the world is just the history of the world, and we will see the events of Ben being shot unfold naturally, as they are supposed to in the natural course of the world. In my personal opinion, that’s exactly what’s likely to happen. In the past of the Island, in 1977, a Hostile escaped Dharma custody, ran away with little Benjamin Linus, knocked out a patrolling Dharma deputy, stole his gun and shot Ben in the chest, leaving him for dead. This one event could have begun the long warring feud between Dharma and the Others, eventually leading up to their deaths from the gas attack.

The sticky part is that the gas attack was initiated by Benjamin Linus, and he was just shot in the chest. If static timeline theory holds true, then Ben can’t really be dead. We’ve seen the Island take care of other people that it’s needed before – Locke, anyone? – so if the simplest solution usually holds to be the truest solution, then the Island will save Ben. Locke laid in the ditch with the dead Dharma folk for a while after Ben shot him, so maybe Ben will lay in the road for awhile before the Island heals him enough to be up and about. There’s also the possibility that Richard or the other Hostiles will find Ben and take him to be cared for, later returning him to his dad and Dharma. This would also fully cement Ben’s loyalty toward Richard, the Island and the Hostiles, and guarantee that he would do anything and everything in the future to ensure the safety of the island – even if that meant killing off a whole bunch of people.

There is another possibility, related to the Island healing Ben. It might be possible that the Island wants EVERYONE off the boat, so to speak, and Ben is the one person who could do all that. If Ben is healed independently of the Hostiles and he believes that Sayid is one of them, then he could harbor resentment toward the Hostiles, as well. Remember, now, that Ben takes all his orders from Jacob in the future, and he’s supposed to be the only one who can see Jacob. Jacob may be an extension of the Island – a manifestation of Cerberus, perhaps – that is trying to get Ben to just eradicate all the wild cards on the island.

At any rate, we shall soon see the fate of young Ben and how the writers choose to get all the survivors out of this fine mess. Personally, I can’t wait to see how they pull it off, and if it’s anything like we’ve discussed in here.

WAITAMINUTE, THERE’S ONE OTHER THING
Oh yeah, Ilana! So, who the hell is Ilana really working for? Is she secretly working for Ben, or does Charles Widmore pay her bills? Is she a free agent, working on her own to get back to the island for her own benefit? Perhaps she’s an Other, or a child of one of the Others that left the island with Widmore when he and Eloise Hawking went to the mainland.

Do any of you have some decent theories on this one? I’d love to hear them!

There’s far, far more that I could cover – but isn’t there always, though? I really want to talk a bit about the possibility of Jacob being an interdimensional traveler, or the future self of one of the survivors, and I’ve never really gotten into how quantum phase states work and how that relates to Christian Shephard and a few of the other “ghosts” haunting the island. All in due time, I suppose. Next week’s episode seems like a bit of a filler from the previews, just gearing things up to go sliding headfirst into the finale, so maybe we’ll have some extra time to go over some of those things. In the meantime, however, keep thinking those thoughts, and if you have an epiphany, tell me something good.

Namaste.

Chris Kirkman is a graphic designer/photographer/journalist/geek extraordinaire with way too many Bruce Campbell movies in his library. Michael Emerson, Lost’s Benjamin Linus, called Kirkman’s recaps “one of the smartest articles I’ve ever read about what goes on on our show.” Kirkman is still hoping that Lost will end when Bob Newhart wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette, complaining of a strange, strange dream. You can contact him at ckirkman@hobotrashcan.com.

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Lilo & Stitch (Two-disc Big Wave Edition) Release Date: March 24, 2009 Own it on DVD Directors: Dean DeBlois and Chris Sanders Writers: Dean DeBlois and Chris Sanders Stars: Daveigh Chase, Chris Sanders, Tia Carrere, David Ogden Stiers, Kevin McDonald, Ving Rhames MPAA Rating: PG HoboTrashcan’s Rating:

While Pixar may be the king of animation these days (and Disney has now fully embraced computer animation with their fantastic film Bolt), it wasn’t long ago that the Walt Disney Company itself ruled animation with memorable stories and beautiful hand-drawn adventures. One of the last great hand-drawn Disney films was Lilo & Stitch, which was originally released in 2002 and is now being rereleased on DVD in a special two-disc “Big Wave Edition.”

Lilo & Stitch is the story of a genetically-engineered alien who was created by a mad scientist with the sole purpose of bringing destruction and chaos wherever he goes. The alien, referred to as Experiment 626, is exiled to a deserted asteroid and his creator, Jumba, is imprisoned for his work. However, since Experiment 626 has been bred to wreak havoc and since his creator gave him a host of superpowers, including superstength, intelligence and a resistance to bullets and fire, Experiment 626 is able to escape capture and flee to Earth.

The aliens originally want to just destroy Earth with Experiment 626 on it, but a historian on our planet convinces them that Earth must be spared because it is the natural habitat of an endangered species – the mosquito. So the aliens decide to strike a deal with the mad scientist who created Experiment 626 to bring him in in exchange for his own freedom. They send him to Earth along the Earth historian, Agent Pleakley. Knowing that they are on his trail, Experiment 626 decides to blend in and pretend to be a dog in order to get adopted by a family as a pet.

He is adopted by Lilo, a precocious Hawaiian child who is living with her sister after the death of her parents. Lilo is a free spirit who thinks a bit differently than her peers, which causes her to have problems fitting in, so her sister decides to get her a dog as a companion. Lilo is immediately drawn to Experiment 626, who she dubs Stitch.

Unfortunately, since Experiment 626 has been engineered to be an agent of chaos, he proves to be a handful. His antics couldn’t come at a worse time either, since Lilo’s sister Nani is being observed by the world’s most intimidating social worker, Cobra Bubbles, who doesn’t believe Nani is fit to raise Lilo. So Nani must prove herself to Cobra Bubbles while Lilo attempts to control her rambunctious pet, who is being tracked by two aliens. It’s certainly an original concept for a movie and one that works well.

The story is cute and, more importantly, it is well-written enough to keep the attention of any adult who sits down to watch the film with their children. It also had a nice nod to the Ugly Ducking, which adds some emotional weight to the film. Plus, parents should appreciate all of the references to Elvis Presley and all of his music featured in the film (Lilo claims that Elvis Presley was a model citizen – which is really a pretty funny claim – and has Stitch model his actions after the King). Fans of animation should also appreciate the look of the film, which is a bit different from any previous Disney animated feature. Stitch manages to be both ugly and cute at the same time and all of the human characters in the film have a fresh look from the standard Disney character models.

The “Big Wave Edition” of the film is packed with extras. Disc one includes audio commentary, a music video, several mini-games and hula lessons. It also includes a humorous feature called “A Stitch In Time,” which inserts Stitch into classic Disney films. However, the bulk of the special features are on the second disc of the DVD. The second disc has deleted scenes, the original pitch for the story, early sketches of Stitch and a whole lot more. But the most interesting extra is a two-hour documentary on the making of the film, which should be watched by any true fan of animation, since it is far more in-depth than your standard “making of” featurettes.

The story is incredibly charming, the animation style is unique and the in-depth documentary makes picking up the “Big Wave Edition” worth the price. If you have children or if you are a fan of animation (or Elvis), I definitely recommend picking up the “Big Wave Edition” of this film.

Written by Joel Murphy. Lilo & Stitch 2-Disc Big Wave Edition is available now on DVD.

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Brian Murphy

Over the last several years, I’ve been lucky enough to have access to the Washington Redskins, and recently I have also begun covering the Capitals. I’ve never tried to attain a media credential for the Wizards, mostly because they suck.

But if I did have a credential, I would use it to track down Gilbert Arenas and tell him one simple sentence – “don’t do it.”

Word on the street is that Arenas, who seemingly a lifetime ago was known as Agent Zero, Hibachi and a relevant basketball player, is planning on making his triumphant return to action this weekend after being sidelined for nearly a year due to a knee injury.

While it’s great to see a player anxious to bounce back from injury, this is quite possibly the worst decision Arenas can make. Doesn’t he know that this year’s Wizards are on the verge of something special?

Had the Wiz not rallied to steal a 95-93 victory over the Charlotte Bobcats at home last night, they would have become the first team in NBA history to go winless in their division for an entire season. Now, they’re 1-14, meaning they’re bad, but not bad enough to be memorable. For the year Washington is currently 17-56, which is the second-worst record in the league (ahead of only Sacramento, who is 15-55). Again, bad, but not enough to actually do any good.

If the Wizards were to finish with the worst record in the NBA, it would increase their chances of landing the number one overall pick, which means they’d be able to draft Oklahoma forward Blake Griffin to help turn things around. But because they’re the Wizards, I don’t even know why I’m getting my hopes up.

When healthy and at their best, Washington is a fundamentally flawed franchise. General manager Ernie Grunfeld is one of the best in the league, but what he’s built in D.C. is a team of jump shooters who either cannot or will not play defense. They can’t score tough baskets when the game is on the line and they give up entirely too many easy buckets to their opposition which means, best-case scenario, they’re good enough to qualify for the playoffs but have zero chance of doing anything once they are there. Teams that can’t score tough points in the paint don’t last long in the postseason, but because the bar was set so low for so long, no one seems to actually acknowledge this.

Without the services of Arenas and center Brendan Haywood this season, the Wizards have been unbearable. Coach Eddie Jordan was fired when the team got off to a slow start and was replaced by some no namer who used to teach a high school gym class or something 20 years ago. The reason no one objected was because folks figured it was a lost season anyways, so bring in someone to pace the sidelines while giving the young kids extended minutes to see who is worth keeping when the band is back together. Instead, Ed Tapscott has decided to make his players “earn their minutes” which is code for “he decided it’d be more fun to lose while playing his veterans over rookies.” I’m sure it makes sense to someone, just not me.

So here’s where we are – the Wizards are awful and yet we have no idea if young guys like Nick Young, Oleksiy Pecherov and JaVale McGee are players you can build a team around. The Wizards are bad enough that no one is coming out to watch them this season, but not bad enough to give them the best chance at the top pick in the draft. With nine games to go, there’s absolutely nothing left to play for.

It’s bad enough that the team re-signed Arenas to a six-year, $111 million deal seeing as he’s played in 13 regular season games over the last two seasons. But to let him come back now and possibly re-injure himself or worse, come back and play well enough to possibly win a game or two for the Wiz down the stretch, is unthinkable. My only hope is he’s so rusty, he remains a non-factor while chucking up ill-advised 20 footers all night long. A player like Griffin is talented enough to help turn this franchise around. Adding him, along with Arenas and Haywood (and a coach people have heard of) to the rotation next season instantly makes this team worth watching again. But if this plays out the way it typically does for Washington, they’ll play just good enough to not get the top spot and have to settle for this year’s version of Kwame Brown instead.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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Joel Murphy

On December 30, 2006, I packed up all of my worldly possessions and moved from Maryland to Boston. For two years and three months, this city has been my home, but now I am once again packing up all of my worldly possessions and moving back to the Washington, DC metropolitan area. Since this city has been my home for over two years, I wouldn’t feel right leaving it without saying goodbye.

It’s been great being a pasty Irish guy named Murphy in a city with such a rich Irish heritage like Boston. Walking the streets of the city, I would feel like I was home. I would feel like these were my people. Then, some asshole would bump into me and tell me to fuck myself and the moment would be ruined, but still, for that brief moment all was right with the world.

One of the coolest things I got to do while living here was see Dropkick Murphys live on St. Patrick’s Day weekend. I think the only thing I could do in my life that would be more Irish than that would be to fly to Dublin and make out with a leprechaun.

After moving to Boston, it was fun to watch movies like The Boondock Saints, Mystic River and Good Will Hunting again and actually recognize some of the locations used in those films. I have eaten at Doyle’s Café more times than I can count. Doyle’s has been around since 1882 and numerous films, television shows and commercials have been shot there, including The Brinks Job, Celtic Pride, The Irish in America: Long Journey Home, Mystic River and Boston Public. I have often walked by the Fairmont Hotel Copley Plaza, which was used in The Boondock Saints, and every time I do, I think about climbing into the air duct, putting on a ski mask and throwing some rope over my shoulder like Charlie fuckin’ Bronson.

Speaking of walking the streets, I will miss being able to walk or take the T anywhere I need to go. I sold my car shortly after moving to Boston and honestly I haven’t really missed it. The long commutes I had living in Maryland are not something I’m looking forward to having to deal with once again. It was also nice to be able to ride on a subway where they didn’t care if you had a Coke or a bagel with you, since the DC Metro arrests anyone who brings food or beverages on the train, including diabetic little girls. I will also miss all of the strange people who ride on Boston’s public transportation, like the lady with the Kiss t-shirts and the really long fingernails and the kid who was rolling a joint while sitting across from me on the bus the other night.

I will miss walking down to the Li’l Peach convenient store (a.k.a. Tedeschi) down the block from me and picking up whatever I needed. Sure, I had to wade through all of the degenerate gamblers who sit there all day playing Keno, but when I got up to the counter, the very nice cashiers always called me “buddy” or “my friend,” which always made me feel welcome. I will also miss the jellybeans they sold there – which were two for a dollar – because they are the best jellybeans I have ever had in my life and I’ve never seen them sold anywhere else.

Speaking of food, I will definitely miss the food at Bukhara Indian Bistro and Fire + Ice. I will also miss Bukowski Tavern, with its tasty and cheap pub food, amazing beer selection and the wheel of beer that gets spun if you can’t decide on what to order. I will also miss all of the local places that delivered to my apartment and I will miss the delivery drivers, who started recognizing me because I’m lazy and order food too often. I will definitely miss the large man who always wore the hairnet and called me “big guy” and I will miss the really nice guy who worked for the shitty place that always screwed up my order.

It will also be odd to have to actually seek out Dunkin Donuts locations, instead of just having one on every street corner. I think I will be sad to once again be surrounded by hundreds of Starbucks instead of Dunkies.

I will miss the energy of this city and the open-mindedness of Massachusetts. It was nice to live in a progressive state that allows gay marriage and that just decriminalized marijuana (which I’m guessing the dude with the joint on the bus was thankful for). I love the DC Metro area, but people back home aren’t always so open-minded. I will also miss attending events with Mayor “Mumbles” Menino, which I got to do twice thanks to my old job (I even got my photo taken with him). Speaking of Menino, it will certainly be weird to be living in a place where the entire city can’t be shut down if someone puts up a Mooninite Lite-Brite.

There are a few things I won’t miss about the city. I won’t miss the assholes who get into loud fights at the bus stop just outside my apartment window at two in the morning. I won’t miss the jerks who loudly and drunkenly celebrated all night whenever the Red Sox or the Celtics won a championship. And really, I won’t miss any of the countless Patriots and Red Sox discussions I’ve either overheard or been dragged into since moving here. It will be really nice to be able to casually talk to people about the Redskins and the Capitals once again. I also won’t miss the crazy Masshole drivers or the confusing Boston roads that make absolutely no sense. And I guarantee you I won’t miss the cab drivers who have no clue how to get anywhere. I also won’t miss the crazy New England weather and all of the god damn snow.

But I will miss you, Boston. You’ve been my home for two years and three months and you have certainly become a part of me. I’ll think of you the next time I watch The Boondock Saints or Good Will Hunting. I will think of you when I’m dying for a drink of water on the DC Metro. And I will think of you the next time one of your teams wins a championship and I am sleeping peacefully in my quiet room.

Goodbye, my friend.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Bolt (Blu-ray) Release Date: March 22, 2009 Own it on Blu-ray and DVD Director: Byron Howard, Chris Williams Writers: Dan Fogelman, Chris Williams Stars: John Travolta, Miley Cyrus, Susie Essman, Mark Walton, Malcolm McDowell, James Lipton MPAA Rating: PG HoboTrashcan’s Rating:

Bolt is a computer animated film from Walt Disney Animation Studios, but if I didn’t know better, I might think it was the latest release from the king of computer animation, Pixar. As most of you know, Disney acquired Pixar in 2006 and it seems that since that time they have been learning all of the company’s secrets and have used them to make a beautiful and thoroughly entertaining film.

Bolt is the story of Bolt the dog (voice by John Travolta) who, after being adopted by a young actress (voiced by Miley Cyrus), is cast as a genetically-altered superdog on a popular television show. In the show, Bolt has a variety of powers, including superstrength, superspeed, lasers that shoot out of his eyes and a sonic bark. He uses these powers to protect his owner, Penny, from the evil Dr. Calico (voiced by the always phenomenal Malcolm McDowell).

The Director (voiced by Inside the Actor’s Studio’s James Lipton) wants Bolt’s performance to be as convincing as possible, so he does everything he can to keep Bolt from finding out that he doesn’t actually have superpowers, because, as he puts it, “If the dog believes it, the audience believes it.” So Bolt doesn’t know he is on a TV show; the cameramen and crew hide just out of sight and secretly film him. Week after week, Bolt believes he is actually saving Penny’s life again and again.

Everything goes along fine until the makers of the show decide to spice things up and give the show a cliffhanger ending. For the first time ever, Bolt doesn’t save Penny at the end of the day, so when production shuts down for the weekend, Bolt is left alone in his trailer and he believes Penny’s life is still in danger. So he escapes the set and runs off to save a girl who doesn’t actually need saving, and he plans to rescue her using superpowers that he doesn’t actually have.

Along the way, Bolt takes a tough alleycat named Mittens (voiced by Susie Essman) hostage, since he believes that she is secretly working for the evil Dr. Calico. Throughout the film, the two are tethered together by Bolt’s leash. They eventually encounter a hyperactive hamster named Rhino (voiced by Mark Walton). Rhino has been watching Bolt on television for years (and believes that everything he sees on TV is real), so he begs the superdog to take him along on his latest adventure. Together, the three travel across the country in search of Penny.

Overall, Bolt is a really funny and entertaining film. Having Bolt believe that he really has superpowers and having him run off to rescue someone who doesn’t need rescuing is a fresh twist on what would otherwise be a standard cross country journey. Also, all of the characters are well-thought out and they all add something to the film. Mittens works great as Bolt’s foil since he has been living in a fantasy world and she has been living on the streets, doing whatever she can to get by. Rhino works great as a sidekick and he offers comic relief throughout the film. Even the minor characters, like Veteran Cat (voiced by Diedrich Bader), Penny’s sleaze ball agent and the New York and LA pigeons, are amusing and memorable.

The voice acting is top notch as well. While the trend in recent years has been to just go out and get big-name stars for animated films, you can tell the makers of Bolt went out and found the right big-name stars. John Travolta and Miley Cyrus both add something to their characters, instead of just reading the lines and cashing their paychecks. Susie Essman absolutely nails the role of Mittens – making the character both tough and lovable at the same time. Malcolm McDowell has one of the greatest voices in Hollywood today, so he gives Dr. Calico a lot of personality, even though we don’t see much of the villain in the film.

The one voice actor who isn’t a big name star is Mark Walton, who portrays Rhino in the film. Walton is a story artist for Walt Disney Animation Studios. He originally recorded all of Rhino’s lines for a temporary audio track given to the animators while they were looking for someone else to play the part, but Walton did such a great job with the temporary track that he was given the role. It’s great that they were willing to take a chance on him since he isn’t a known actor and it was absolutely the right move, since Rhino is one of the best characters in the film thanks to the charisma and energy he brings to the role.

Visually, the movie is incredibly impressive, especially on Blu-ray. As I said before, it seems like Disney has learned a lot from Pixar and they have managed to put together a beautiful film. All of the characters and set pieces are magnificently rendered. One of the nicest touches is that they managed to match the lighting conditions in LA, New York, Las Vegas and Ohio, which makes it look like the various cross country scenes were actually shot on location at the states they are taking place in.

The one odd choice visual choice the filmmakers made was to use matte paintings for the backgrounds in long shots, instead of actually rendering the backgrounds in 3D. The filmmakers said that using painted backgrounds was their way of paying tribute to Disney’s rich animated history, but I can’t help but wonder if it was actually a cost-saving move that kept them from having to render complex 3D landscapes. Either way, the matte paintings feel out of place in the rich 3D world they created and ultimately I wish they hadn’t used them.

However, the fact that matte paintings are my only real complaint about the film should tell you just how great Bolt really is. Walt Disney Animation Studios might not be ready to surpass Pixar just yet, but the fact that they can now be talked about in the same conversation as the reigning king of animation is an achievement in and of itself.

Written by Joel Murphy. Bolt is available on Blu-Ray and DVD now. The Blu-ray version of the film comes with a DVD and digital copy of Bolt, which seems like overkill, but you’ll certainly be able to enjoy the film no matter where you are.

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