If 90’s WWE wrestler The Godfather taught me anything, it’s this: “Pimping ain’t easy.”
Unfortunately, Army Staff Sergeant Patrick Campbell of Fort Gordon, Ga., recently learned that lesson the hard way. Campbell has been accused by Georgia police of running a prostitution ring and has been charged with two counts of pimping. He was arrested last Thursday after the soldier allegedly posted ads on Craigslist offering sex with women in exchange for money (which is, shockingly, illegal).
Now, in these tough economic times, we all have to do what we can to get by. I can understand if Campbell felt like his Army paycheck wasn’t sufficient and was looking to supplement his income with some extra cash on the side, but I can’t really understand what led him to a life of pimping. Perhaps wearing boring green Army fatigues day in and day out became tiresome and Campbell began daydreaming of a life in florescent suits and leopard-print hats. Perhaps he’s been looking for an excuse to carry a cane and didn’t want to go the Gregory House “horrible leg pain, pill poppin’, solving tough medical cases” route. Whatever his motivation, if Campbell had paid more attention to the lessons being taught in his day job, he might not have ever been caught.
Campbell worked in military intelligence, which means that in theory he should be a smart guy who understands that sensitive communications can be intercepted by the enemy (and, for a pimp, the enemy is the law). Unfortunately, posting the ads on Craigslist didn’t really show much intelligence at all, military or otherwise. Besides the fact that he reportedly posted the messages himself on his own computer, he also just openly offered sex with women in exchange for money in the postings. If he’s going to use technology to find potential clients, then he should use a little more finesse. Campbell should have said the girls were offering “sensual massages” or lapdances or something a bit less conspicuous. Blatantly advertising sex for money on a public website is akin to having his ladies walk right up to uniformed police officers and offering to blow them for $20. You are just asking for trouble.
One of the most important things the military teaches you is chain of command. One thing soldiers learn quickly is that shit rolls downhill. If Campbell was indeed a pimp, that would mean he was at the top of the prostitution ring and his hoes were his subordinates. Being at the top of the chain of command, Campbell shouldn’t have been posting Craiglist ads himself on his own computer. He should have delegated his authority and made his girls post their own ads. That way, if they got busted, they would be the ones going to jail and Campbell would be free to recruit a new army of sluts to keep the operation going.
Any good student of pimp-ology knows that Campbell should have had a “bottom girl” to help run his day-to-day operations (and if he really wanted to have a strong chain of command, a “wife-in-law” to work under the bottom girl fulfilling a similar role). The bottom girl would have served as an office manager of sorts who collected money from the girls, kept Campbell updated on local law enforcement’s activities and ran the operation while the soldier was busy with his day job. And if Campbell did get arrested, his bottom girl could have kept things running smoothly while he was in jail, which would keep money rolling in. That money could have been used to help pay for his legal fees and the $4,200 in bail he recently paid to get out of prison.
But even if Campbell hadn’t recently been busted by the police, it seems like his shoddy pimps-manship would have kept him from ever being a true player. If he ever wanted to be more than just some popcorn pimp with a small stable of hoes, he really needed to elevate his game and run his prostitution ring like a military operation. The way he seemed to be running things, any “Choosey Susie” working for Campbell would have been peeled by the first guerrilla pimp who crossed her path.
The Army teaches its soldiers to be all they can be. Now that Campbell has essentially flushed his military career down the toilet, I hope that when he gets out of jail, he strives to be a better pimp. Campbell should study the greats, like Iceberg Slim, Don “Magic” Juan, Ice-T and Dennis Hof. By combining the lessons he learned in the military with the wisdom of these true players, there is a chance that one day Campbell could become one of the greats.
Here’s hoping that with a little hard work and determination, Campbell can be a pimp army of one.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.