Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

I can tolerate a lot, 24. I can look past the fact that you have killed off every major character not named Jack or Chloe. I can keep watching even when you give Jack a mysterious disease that keeps him from being able to kick ass, even though the entire reason I watch the show is to see Jack kick ass. I can even forgive you for curing Jack of that mysterious disease by just saying you somehow used stem cells, even though that makes no sense.

But the fact that you just announced you are bringing in Freddie Prinze Jr. for the final season of the show might just be too much to handle.

Why do you do this to me 24? Why do you make it so hard to love you?

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Murphy’s Law – … Around
After having bitched for years about the lack of originality in Hollywood, this week Joel Murphy got the chance to review an independent movie made by a passionate filmmaker with an original voice. Did Murphy enjoy the indie film … Around or did the unremittingly cynical columnist still find a reason to complain?

Note to Self – That’s how you do it
Summer television isn’t exactly something typically worth getting excited over. And while the NHL has fully embraced the rerun concept with the Detroit Red Wings and the Pittsburgh Penguins squaring off for a second consecutive season, the NBA is providing “must see TV.” Brian Murphy has the details.

Outside of the In-Crowd – Commercial betrayal
We all have traumatic moments in our life that forever alter our perceptions of the world, like when we first realize our parents aren’t invincible or when we realize that the Easter Bunny isn’t real. Courtney Enlow recently had one of these life-changing moments when she found out that cheesy Empire carpet commercials she thought were exclusive to Chicago were really national spots.

Positive Cynicism – Who’s afraid of the big, bad media?
For weeks, the media hammered the “Swine Flu pandemic” story into the ground, creating panic around the United States. Then, a new shiny object caught the media’s attention and suddenly the pandemic was over. This week, Aaron R. Davis looks at the media’s fear-mongering and short attention span.

From the Vault – Hanging Around … Clambake Animation
Sunday nights on The Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, Assy McGee and his partner Detective Sanchez patrol the streets of Exeter, New Hampshire. Assy, like countless other television cops, is a gruff veteran who plays by his own rules. The difference is that Assy is made up of nothing more than an ass and a pair of legs.

You may find yourself wondering who exactly comes up with a show like that. The answer is Clambake Animation, a small studio in Watertown, Massachusetts that also produces commercials and children’s programing. Last year, we spent some time at Clambake Animation, doing our best not to make an ass out of ourselves while we were there. If you missed your chance to hang around Clambake Animation then, here’s a second chance.

- Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap is also available as an email newsletter. To sign up for the newsletter to ensure you never miss an update, send an email to newsletter-subscribe@hobotrashcan.com.

Brian Murphy

While there is much to like about the summer (long days, better weather and the prospect of exotic vacations) there is one obvious drawback to this time of year – there’s never anything worth watching on TV.

Because the networks conspire to force folks outside to be productive or some such nonsense (those bastards), we’re stuck with reruns and reality crap that I wouldn’t force my enemies to suffer through.

The reason I bring this up in a sports column is because this is where things currently stand for the NHL playoffs. After a wonderfully exciting season and an even better Stanley Cup playoffs, we’re now left with the one finals matchup no one wants – the Detroit Red Wings versus the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Nothing against these two obviously talented teams, but this wasn’t exactly the greatest series in the history of hockey when these same two teams faced off a year ago. Let’s be honest here – no one outside of those two cities is jazzed at the prospect of a repeat, and yet, that’s where we are. The only story line even remotely different from last year to now is Red Wings forward Marian Hossa, who left Pittsburgh during this past offseason to get paid in Detroit.

But really, is that enough to get casual sports fans to tune in? Uh … no. And really, it’s probably not enough to even get hockey fans (outside of Detroit and Pittsburgh) to watch more than the highlights, which is too bad. Like I said, this season has been a renaissance campaign for the NHL. It’s too bad this is how things played out.

Conversely, the NBA is firing on all cylinders these days. After a so-so season in which everyone assumed it was a forgone conclusion that the L.A. Lakers and Cleveland Cavaliers were a lock for the finals, things haven’t gone exactly according to plan.

When they’re not battling the WWE, the Denver Nuggets are actually fairing better than to be expected against Kobe Bryant and friends. Ever since Chauncey Billups came to town, the Nuggets have turned into a bona fide team. No longer are Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson seeing who can jack up 30 shots a game first. Instead, everyone now has a defined role and (for the most part), they’re able to remember that working together is much easier than five individuals all looking out for themselves.

And when Kenyon Martin isn’t e-feuding with Dallas Mavs owner Mark Cuban, he’s actually making things happen on the court. While the WWE was embarrassing itself trying to make fun of the Nuggets owner (a guy who most folks had never even heard of before all of this), Martin was making things happen on Monday night, posting 13 points, 15 rebounds, two blocks, two assists and zero turnovers in Denver’s 120-101 route of L.A.

Even if the Nuggets fail to close out the Lakers (they’re now down 3-2 in the series after the Lakers’ 103-94 win last night), they’ve already given us some of the most enjoyable basketball games of the year. And I’m not even sure if it’s possible, but the Eastern Conference finals have been even better than Denver-L.A.

It seems that every single game that the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Orlando Magic play has at least half a dozen can’t miss moments. The series already made history when the first two games were decided by just one point, but that’s only part of the story. Seemingly every game ends in dramatic fashion, whether it be a LeBron James buzzer beater or Dwight Howard simply taking over in overtime. I don’t want to take anything away from Kobe or ‘Melo, but King James and Superman are providing must-see TV every time they step on the court.

Without a dog in the fight, I just hope this series goes seven games. Not since Michael Jordan and the Bulls were throttling the rest of the league have I enjoyed watching a basketball series I have no emotional investment in this much. Just when you think won team has got a game all wrapped up, the losing team battles back and somehow steals a victory in the final seconds.

In the end, it doesn’t matter which of the final four teams advances. Denver, Los Angeles, Cleveland and Orlando have already provided us with more than enough excitement to help us pass the time until the fall when football and TV shows worth actually worth watching return to our lives. Anything from this point on is gravy.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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Joel Murphy

As longtime readers know by now, one of my biggest pet peeves is the lack of originality in Hollywood. One needs to look no further than this summer’s release schedule – which includes the fourth installment in the X-men franchise, a fourth Terminator movie, a Transformers sequel and a live-action G.I. Joe movie – to see that coming up with original ideas isn’t exactly at the top of any big name movie executives’ to-do lists. That’s why when writer/director David Spaltro offered me a chance to review his independent film … Around, I jumped at the opportunity.

Spaltro pulled from his own experiences when writing … Around. It’s the story of a film student in New York named Doyle Simms who finds himself in financial difficulty and decides to live in Penn Station since he can’t afford a place to live and to take out 17 credit cards to pay for school. Along the way, he meets a beautiful girl who attends the same college as him and a homeless man who teaches him how to live on the street. He also continues to see people from his old life in New Jersey, including a best friend who attempts to keep him on the right path and a bitter mother who is rooting for him to fail.

The strength of the film is its lead actor Robert W. Evans. Evans is a bit of a cross between Ryan Gosling and Ben McKenzie from The O.C./Southland. He brings a lot of charisma to the role of Doyle and as a result, you really end up pulling for the kid. By the end of the film you feel very attached to Doyle and you want to know what will happen next in his life.

Molly Ryman plays Allyson, Doyle’s romantic interest in the film, and while I would have liked to see her character developed a bit more, she does a great job in the role and she has a unique beauty that makes her stand out in the film. She also has great chemistry with Evans, which helps sell their romance. It’s a shame that we don’t learn much more than surface information about Allyson, since it seems like if she was developed a bit more, she would have been a memorable character.

Being an independent film, the supporting cast is a bit more of a mixed bag. Berenice Mosca does a good job playing Doyle’s cold mother and Veronica Heffron is quite memorable in her minor role as Veronica. However, Marcel Torres comes across wooden and often times unintelligible in his portrayal of Doyle’s longtime friend Logic. Ron Brice does an adequate job playing Saul, the homeless man who takes Doyle under his wing, but his character seems a bit clichéd at times.

Overall, … Around is an entertaining film that certainly feels different from your standard Hollywood fare. At times it reminded me of the excellent independent film The Wackness, which tells the story of a New York teenager who sells marijuana to make ends meet and to escape his troubled home life. Both films have a strong male lead who goes to extreme circumstances to get by, which makes you root for both characters to find their way.

My only real complaint with … Around is that at times it seems to shy away from showing the really traumatic parts of Doyle’s life. When Doyle begins living in Penn Station, he explains that he keeps his possession in a locker and sleeps on the floor, but Spaltro doesn’t really show us what that experience of living at the station is really like. There is a scene where Saul takes Doyle out to collect cans for extra cash and a scene where Doyle steals food from a convenience store, but that’s about all we get. I kept wishing that we would see more of that gritty side of Doyle’s life. However, Spaltro keeps the tone of the movie fairly light, although there is a very emotional scene with Doyle and his mother late in the film.

While … Around is a bit rough around the edges, it has enough touches of greatness to keep you solidly entertained. It’s also quite clear that Spaltro put a lot of love and energy into making this film (which he shot in 21 days for $175,000, using 40 different credit cards to finance it). He proves to be a capable storyteller and Evans does an excellent job bringing Doyle to life. Both of them should hopefully have bright futures ahead of them in Hollywood.

It’s refreshing to see the passion that both Spaltro and his main character Doyle both have for filmmaking. It gives a cynic like me hope that there are people out there who want to do something different than the standard remakes and sequels that Hollywood continues to produce. Let’s just hope that Spaltro doesn’t have to keep maxing out credit cards to make it happen.

[Spaltro is currently working on a DVD and digital distribution deal with Cinetic Media Rights. To keep track of his progress and to learn more about … Around, visit the official website.]

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

Aaron R. Davis

Was that whole swine flu pandemic canceled?

Where did it go? For weeks there were news reports that a plague was coming to wipe out all life on the planet, and then it just disappeared.

How anticlimactic. What am I supposed to panic about now?

Seriously, folks, why do we let the American media get the better of us like this?

Does anyone remember the Summer of the Shark? Back in June 2001, an eight-year-old named Jessie Arbogast was attacked by a bull shark. It severed the poor kid’s arm, which was later reattached. But a hungry 24-hour news cycle with nothing else to talk about turned this attack and a couple of others like it into a major news story. Bizarre, unexplainable shark attacks! An epidemic of shark attacks! Sharks invade beaches with new tactics to kill us all! Nature turns against us! Soon they’ll be flying and attacking us in our own homes!!!

Of course, it was nothing more than embarrassing news hype. Shark attacks are terrible, but they’re also a fact of life. When you go into the territory of a dangerous animal, there’s always a chance that the animal is going to attack. Have you ever seen those aerial shots of beaches? There are sharks everywhere. But most of the time no one notices, and sometimes that leads to carelessness. So there are always shark attacks.

In fact, during the first half of 2001, there were 47 previous shark attacks which received almost no media coverage. But during the first half of 2001, there was a contested election to talk about. There was stuff to talk about. But that was long over by June and the 24-hour news cycle needs to be constantly fed or, God forbid, it’ll die. And, smelling blood in the water (and the easily-sympathetic story of an eight-year-old losing a limb), the media went after the story and shook it repeatedly until it was dead.

Rationality did not rule the day. Very few reported that shark attacks were down that year by 15 percent compared to 2000. Fewer still reported that you are 250 times more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark. Damn thing even made the cover of Time magazine in July.

Think about this for a second. Our corporate-owned news media could’ve found all manner of positive stories to highlight. With extra time on their hands, they could’ve done some digging into important political and social issues. Instead, they chose to manufacture a dramatic and potentially bloody crisis and press it with a false urgency until everyone was afraid to go to the beach. It is, literally, a textbook example of concocting a meritless story for the sake of ratings.

We used to call that yellow journalism. Now we just call it a slow news cycle.

That slow news cycle was, as we remember, the lead-in to 9/11. Before the deadliest attack on America in history, all the news media could talk about was shark attacks. Not trying to understand international politics, or the rise of terrorism around the world, or the audacity of a Supreme Court-appointed President taking the entire month of August off. Shark attacks.

That’s what the whole swine flu story made me think about. A few people had a new flu strain and some people – far fewer than the number of people who die from the flu under normal circumstances every singly year – died, and suddenly the media manufactured a plague out of it, with the world ending in flames and the dead walking the earth. Schools closed, trips were canceled and state governments begged for Tamiflu.

So where did it go? How could something so dire and imminent simply disappear?

Well, the media had something else to talk about. And suddenly all of the stories of the coming apocalypse wound down. Kids went back to school, Mexico re-opened for tourism and right wing pundits started crying about whatever it is they pretend is a big deal. It was a slow news cycle, everyone drank a lot of fluids and made sure to wash their hands, and the whole thing died down.

The most bizarre outcome is that I know a number of people (including both of my parents) who think this new swine flu was created in a lab somewhere in order to distract us from what the government is doing. As if we need the distraction; the media’s not interested in reporting on it in the first place. They weren’t distracting us, they were simply bored. You can cry fear-mongering and propaganda all you want. But when the media get bored, that’s when they really get stupid, and stupid can so easily turn into dangerous.

But we survived the Summer of the Shark. Turns out we survived the Springtime of the Swine, too.

And I’m not even going to go into the summer when the important news story was how dangerous roller coasters are.

Just remember, common sense never plays in the media, so use your own when the media tells you it’s time to panic.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

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Courtney Enlow

Once upon a time, a young man with a scant eleven hairs and a blue blanket and who went by the name of Linus van Pelt warned us all of the dangers of commercialism. If only I’d known then that he wasn’t speaking of the corporate removal of the Christmas message, but that one day, I would be hurt and confused by an elderly man selling carpet.

In the six years that I’ve lived in Chicago, I have become well acquainted with a few local commercials. We Chicagoans take a bit of semi-ironic pride in these hometown hucksters, but our joy upon seeing them contains no “semi-”. The joy is real.

When I gaze upon the snowy-haired visage of Peter Francis Geraci, I know that I’m not alone in the world. That someone will be my personal injury friend for the low low price of an as-seen-on-television lawyer.

When I see Eagle Man, with all the dignity and class of the Pizza Time Players, I know that I’m home. And that if I need low-rate car insurance, someone has my back.

When I see the Smithe family selling us furniture, sometimes having a bit of a sing-song, sometimes having brotherly spats, I remember the importance of family, and mahogany and suede ottomans.

You see, Chicago commercials have given so much to so many. But ask any Chicagoan, and they’ll all name the same favorite: The Empire Man.

Unfortunately, as I tragically learned this past week on vacation in Florida, apparently so would any other local from any other area in this great nation. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. Like Thomas Jay and his bee stings hurts-so-bad-make-it-stop.

I don’t remember phone numbers easily. I mean I can remember my parents’ numbers, my brother’s and my ex-boyfriend’s, like any good daughter/crazy person. But if you asked me to recite you my best friends’ respective phone numbers, I couldn’t do it. “Uhh, Kelly’s is a 773. Quita’s is a 3 … something. Kenzie and Erin are definitely 217. And they have 4’s in there I think … Maybe a 3.” But you know what number I never forget, nay, what corresponding song I always have stuck in my head? 800-588-2300 Empiiiiiiiiire. Today.

Seeing this spot on the Gulf Coast, I thought I was having a stroke. Or that I’d Mulholland Drive’d this whole trip and was actually still back in Chicago (and that I was the dead body in the apartment THE WHOLE TIME). Because I’d never seen one outside of the Windy place before. They don’t play them in Springfield, IL, my hometown. How was I to know? I ask you, How. Was. I. To. Know? Someone take the pain away.

Obviously, my first reaction was to get on Twitter (Hobo Stu’s nemesis) and beg someone, anyone, for an explanation for all of this madness. And here’s what I found out (and you can follow me too while you’re at it because it would be super awesome to the max! *thumbs up* [This is the kind of self-promotion I learned from Empire Man!]):

imattmypants @maggisaar @courtenlow @megan_maria I’m pretty sure that Empire is a national retailer because we have them out east as well. 9:20 AM May 20th from web

maggisaar @courtenlow @megan_maria I always thought they were only a CA thing. 9:12 AM May 20th from web in reply to courtenlow

kellygoldston@courtenlow EMPIRE CARPET IS NATIONAL?!??!??!!? How are we supposed to feel superior to Floridians now?! 9:11 AM May 20th from web in reply to courtenlow

megan_maria@courtenlow We have them here in Seattle, too. Those assholes.

NOOOOOOOOOOO! /vader

They’re everywhere! And everyone thought they were local. It’s like buying a dress and being told that it’s a one of a kind and then you see some high school twatter wearing it in her prom pictures.

I’ve been misled. Hurt and misled. I mean, some commercials are obviously local and then go worldwide when they should obviously have stayed home, like that Cheerio’s Multigrain commercial. It’s the one where the husband asks the wife if she’s eating it to lose weight because that’s what the box says, and it’s obviously and painfully dubbed from the original whatever-it-is, I always thought it was British, but could easily be from the Netherlands or Uzbekistan for all I know. That is how for-a-loop this whole mess has thrown me.

Through some intense research (Googling “empire man chicago” and clicking the Wiki link – a.k.a., HARD WORK) I have found that Empire is, in fact, a Chicagoland based company. That gives little comfort. Fucking sellouts. Oh, my favorite band is so cool and popular now and everyone’s heard of it, wah, SHUT UP, THIS IS WAY WORSE.

It will take years of intense therapy to get over this. Until then, look for me wandering the streets of Chicago mumbling “800-588-2300 NIGHTMARES SPIDERS GARGOYLES” at the top of my lungs. Maybe I’ll get a commercial and go national and hurt you the way you hurt me, Empire Man.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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