I believe that at least once in our lives, we all must take a stand against injustice. We all must fight against that which is wrong in this world. We all have our battles and what we must take down to restore goodness and balance in this world. For some, it is civil rights. For some, it is gender equality. For me, it is the utter eradication of reality television stars.
Strangely enough, despite my constant need to insult most if not all things that people enjoy, I am a firm believer in ignoring films and television programs that you don’t like. For everything else, it’s open season, but when it comes to visual entertainment, if you don’t watch it, you don’t need to concern yourself with it. People still watch The Real World, and good on ’em, I just won’t join in. For you see, I find them all ‘roidy and orange. And that’s okay, because RW cast members never really show up anywhere but MTV. I can ignore and avoid and go on about my day.
Unfortunately, most other reality show people insist on being up in my shit on a daily basis and that is what makes me angry.
My unhealthy and schadenfreudey fascination with celebrity gossip has been well-documented and discussed. Yes, I, in the dark places my soul goes, like reading about the bad things that happen to the rich and famous. I like scrutinizing them for excessive plastic surgery and famewhoring. I like it, and the only downside is having to fight with my parents (People Magazine readers. PAH. They don’t even know) when I mention that it’s a possibility that Jennifer Aniston might not be the precious and super-awesome girl-next-door she projects herself to be, or the anger that fills my body when publications refuse to call out actresses for only being skinny because they eat with their noses.
Or at least, those were the downsides up until recently.
I am sure that there existed those parasitic leeches dubbed “famous for being famous” before Paris Hilton, but I can’t even remember because she’s wiped my mind clean with her ridiculousness. In her wake, she’s given us a whole swarm of people who seem to matter for no apparent reason. People like Brody Jenner and Brandon Davis, people whose names I know and I have no idea why. But the best example would be Kim Kardashian.
Kim Kardashian is famous. Apparently. As Joel McHale reminds us on a weekly basis, she is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. I’ve spoken ill of her before, so I won’t do it again. There’s bigger fish to fry here, and by that I mean lesser plankton to … whatever it is that would damage plankton.
I keep telling myself they’ll go away soon. The Kardashians and those Hills people. Seriously, they will right? But when it comes down to it, I’ve grown accustomed to seeing the Kardashian brood and those horrid Hill folk all over magazines and gossip blogs. Don’t get me wrong, I wish obscurity on all of them, and I’d like to look into seeing if we can send Heidi and Spencer to an island. A death island filled with spinning blades and fire ants, preferably. But again, I’m used to them by now. For some reason, teenagers and college-aged people with limited mental capacities and personalities seem to like them and they’re keeping them famous, and that’s fine. Stupid people (and hipsters who enjoy bad things ironically [strike-through due to redundancy]) need things to like, too.
What I’m ill-prepared for is being told that I’m supposed to care about reality people scandals. And I am of course referring to Jon ‘n Kate-gate 2009.
I’ve only watched one or two episodes, but as I gather, the program Jon and Kate Plus Eight is the story of Kate and her horrible haircut and penchant for cruelty and emasculation, her husband Jon, the victim of the aforementioned (both the haircut and the emasculation), and their eponymous eight children, a pair of twins and a set of sextuplets.
Sorry, I had to pause for a moment. My ovaries read that bit and jumped the fuck out of my body, so I had some clean-up to do.
Anyway, so Jon apparently cheated on Slip ‘n Slide Vag with some teacher hooker who is 23 years old. They were photographed in a car together (so obviously they’re boning) and now apparently the chick is the star of a sex tape. Not with Jon, mind you, but some other loser rando.
Here’s where this gets layered. Not only am I supposed to care about these two, who are not famous for being talented, but rather for being the really awesome and responsible kind of parents who raise their children in the public eye and lay out their private disputes for public scrutiny, but now this alleged adulteress and some other dude? Guys, I don’t have that much to give. I cannot care about anyone involved, save for the eight kids who literally have no chance but to be complete assholes some day.
Look, I don’t like the deification of famous people who actually do things with their lives, let alone these clownshoes. I don’t feel that actors are really deserving of all their money and appreciation, since when it comes down to it, their job is basically to memorize words that have already been written for them. But at least they actually have a job. They actually do something that causes people to love them. What did Kim Kardashian do, besides befriend a vapid birdlike hotel heiress with one eye that is constantly trying to escape her head, and film herself having bored sex with the brother of the chick that sang “Have You Ever”? What did Jon and Kate do, besides get hopped up on hormones and pop out a small army of children? What do the Real Housewives of Various American Cities and Locations do, besides shellac themselves with liquid melanoma and silicon, and don white pants with sparkly shirts? Nothing. There is no reason for these people to matter. And they’ll never give us one, that’s why they have to play up and publicize their own marital problems and dull life issues. Kate has been quoted as saying that this ordeal will be the focus of the next season of their show. Of course it is. Because when a marriage crumbles under the weight of infidelity, it’s really best that millions of strangers watch it while eating Pringles. And when these desperate acts don’t work, what’s next? Seriously, I ask because I’m fairly certain that Spencer is not above murdering Heidi in public just to get some headlines.
What I’m saying is that these people don’t matter. So let’s put the focus back on things that do matter. Like Daisy (of “of Love” kindafame) and what exactly is wrong with her face. That’s the kind of reality show issue I can get behind.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.