Chris Kirkman

I’ve been digging through the old mailbag now that I have put my second brain in a jar for the television season, and scattered amongst the myriad of spam I accumulate were more than a few letters asking me where one could locate previous editions of Down the Hatch. I was quite flattered. I was also inspired to try something new this week (and it didn’t hurt that Joel Murphy asked me to fill in as a guest columnist for a day).

Since Lost is no more until next January (I KNOW), and we’ll all be rewatching the episodes and perusing the DVD extras on the fifth season discs in the fall, I thought we could have a little fun with a prologue to this season. Today’s Down the Hatch is going to have its own little look at some “extras” – a few bits of trivia and a look into the primitive origins of this humble little weekly feature.

Welcome, I’m Chris Kirkman, and this is the orientation film for Station 23 of the Dharma Initiative. In a moment you’ll be given a simple set of instructions for how you and your partner will fulfill the responsibilities associated with the station. But first, a little history.

• Down the Hatch first appeared on Hobotrashcan.com on February 7, 2008, with a recap, analysis and episode-inspired drink recipe for “The Beginning of the End” – the first episode of season four. I was recruited by the Hobo himself, Joel Murphy, and he has regretted that decision ever since. The archived versions of Down the Hatch from that point on are located here, and they all stand to the same golden standard that the feature does to this day – a completely ridiculous and rambling recap with various jabs at Jack and Kate, a close-up shot of lovely Juliet, a cue for the thonk! and several pages of indecipherable geekspeak about ley lines, time travel, the DeLorean, Sam Beckett, Egyptian gods and other various subjects that would look right at home in Daniel’s journal. Before Down the Hatch existed in this form, however, my recaps and analysis were found, sometimes in much more freeform style, in a community that I created and maintain on LiveJournal. The first ever analysis of any episode was that for the premiere of season two – way back on Sept. 23, 2005, when I used to ride a dinosaur to work every day.

• The first semblance of a real recap was on Feb. 16, 2006, in my recap and analysis for episode 14, “One of Them.” In this episode we had Benry! Tree Frogs! Torture! Kelvin! The countdown timer reveal heiroglyphs! It was all very exciting.

• The first appearance of “Cue the thonk!” was at the end of the recap and analysis of episode 15, “Maternity Leave.” One of the more fun quotes from the recap, and also one of my favorite scenes of all time:

“Back at the hatch, Jack starts the dick-measuring contest again by letting Henry out of the closet for some hearty Dharma-O’s with Locke. Henry turns out to be a really lousy brunch date when he gets even more creepy by telling them about the map, and that, if he were really an Other, he would have drawn the map to a secluded location where his friends could ambush anyone showing up. His bug eyes almost leaping out of his head at this point, he asks for some milk. I say go ask Hurley. He’s probably got some.”

By the way, you can listen to all of Emerson’s creepy monologue as Henry Gale at the beginning of last week’s Hobo Radio podcast. It’s pretty awesome as an audio clip – your mind makes it even creepier by filling in the details about Ben that we’ve learned since then.

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For those so interested, the following are the baby features I wrote way back when for the first three episodes of season two. There isn’t much recapping, and there’s no sign nor mention of time travel OR the blast hatch map in my analyses … mostly because those would become fixtures during season two.

Analysis for Season Two, Episode One – “Man of Science, Man of Faith”
(Article published on Sept. 23, 2005)

The following thoughts and reflections have been compiled during the past couple of nights scrutinizing almost every single frame of the season finale and premiere. The following topics are discussed: Desmond’s Dharma logo and its significance in relation to the symbolism of the yin yang, the Chinese Ba-Gua and the sadhana yoga use of swan imagery; the significance of the message on the inside of the hatch; imagery found on the wall in Desmond’s compound; mirror and opposing forces imagery and themes throughout the series; Mama Cass.

QUARANTINED
1. First, let’s talk a bit about the insignia that appears on Desmond’s coveralls, medicine cabinet and various places around the underground compound. Here’s my recreation of what the insignia looks like. Bear in mind that a couple of parts of this graphic are pure speculation, but from various frames in the premiere, it’s as accurate as can be.

Let’s break it down, shall we? There’s a whole lotta religion going on.

Easily the first thing to notice is the modified yin yang in the center. The Yin Yang is an ancient chinese symbol denoting opposing forces, sometimes explained as light and dark, passive and forceful, male and female. The two halves of the yin yang are equal and harmonious. It represents the energy and balance in the universe. Our symbol here has a slightly unbalanced yin yang because of the swan that intersects it, but I’m not reading too much into that right now. I think it’s just a design anomaly.

Next, the Swan and the word “Dharma.” The word dharma comes from the teachings of Hinduism and Buddhism and usually relates in both religions to the powers and forces of the cosmos. In Buddhism, particularly, it also describes conduct that is used as a set path to enlightenment. Regardless, in both instances it relates to a principle or law that orders the universe. It’s hard to make out in any of the screen grabs, but I believe that the R in dharma is reversed in the logo. This would fit in well with the “mirror” theme running through much of the show towards the end of last season and the premiere. I’ll talk more about that later. The negative space in the middle of the yin yang creates the form of a swan. The Swan is representitive of one of the teachings in sadhana yoga, a technique that helps focus one’s being through meditation. It is an acronym for Strength, Weakness, Ambition and Need.

The symbol as a whole closely emulates the Ba-Gua, one of the tools used in feng shui to help determine preferred locations, in the home or office, for certain functions; such as wealth, health, fame, love and more. The ba-gua is an ancient symbol that utilizes the chinese binary system. The ba-gua is comprised of arms of yao, each comprised of both yins (female – denoted by two short dashes) and yangs (male – denoted by one long dash). The yin is equivalent to the number 0, the yang a 1. It is these numerical designators that relate it closely to today’s binary computer code. The eight gua form a harmonious group that can be used to determine focus of power and balance. Here’s what the eight gua mean:

There is some speculation that the eight gua categories represents one or a couple of each of the main survivors, but that’s a bit far-fetched at this point. Still, it’s an intriguing thought.

What all this means in relation to who Desmond is, why he’s down in the hatch, and what group this mysterious logo represents is anyone’s guess at this point. Still, it’s pretty obvious that the way the insignia is used in the show, it denotes some sort of group or corporation that is responsible for the creation of the hatch, and, quite possibly, the “security system.” And whoever they are, they’re pretty deep into ancient asian religions and how they relate to balance in the universe.

2. Let’s talk a bit about the words “Quarantine” written on the hatch. First off, the words appear on the inside of the hatch. This means that they were meant only to be seen by Desmond. This could mean a couple of things: whoever built the hatch quarantined Desmond from the rest of the island because they believed there was a sickness out there, or the words are simply a subconcious reminder to Desmond that he is sick and can’t leave. Neither theory can really be proven or debunked at this point, as all the clues could point to either scenario. One such clue is the medicine Desmond injects at the beginning of the episode. It’s obvious he has a ton of it, and it is a prescription drug as denoted by the Rx-1 written on the bottle. The name of the drug? CR – 4-81516-23 42, our favorite numbers. Whether this is actually the name of the drug or a case number that corresponds to the “serial number” written on the outside of the hatch remains to be seen. If I were a betting man, I’d say that the drugs are some sort of psychotropic compound or mental regulator with effects of drugs such as Zoloft or Lithium. Basically, it regulates his mental state. The drug could also be a cocktail of crazy drugs, vitamins, life-sustaining compounds and/or viral and bacterial innoculations. I doubt that, though. More than likely the drug is for a singular purpose.

The strongest indicators for the “island quarantine” theory are two things: first, the presence of the Others and what happened to Rousseau’s crew, and second, the security system. First, Rousseau said that her crew was slowly driven insane until she had no choice but to kill them. What drove them insane has yet to be discovered, but it could have something to do with the effects of the island. It’s clear that it’s a nexus of paranormal activity and perhaps that led to the madness that consumed them. I believe that the island was being researched for one purpose or another by this Dharma group and something went wrong. The quarantine was put in place to keep it clear of interlopers who would learn about or harness the energies of the island. The “security system” was put in place to keep people at bay. Or, possibly, it could be the result of an experiment gone wrong, twisted by the island’s energy. Whatever the case, it’s clear that no one is supposed to be on the island, as evidenced by The Others hardly setting foot there. On the occasions where the Others have been mentioned or have shown up, they have always come from the sea. There have never been any footprints around locations where they’ve been and it has always been by the coast. We know that they have a boat because they kidnapped Walt with it, so perhaps they live on the sea or on a small jetty separate from the main island. This kind of outcropping can be seen in the finale when the raft heads out to sea.

3. The Wall. When Jack goes down the hatch shaft and starts poking around in the compound, he comes upon a crazy wall that has been painted with various things. It’s an intriguing mix of words, numbers and symbology. The wall has a face painted toward the top (hard to tell if it’s a man or woman at this point), hovering above the waves of a sea. Just below that is a large sun with the number “108″ painted in the middle. This number is the sum of 4 8 15 16 23 42. These numbers also appear in the painting, along with one other number – 106. It’s unclear right now what that number signifies, but it’s definitely not the focal number in the sun. Just right of the sun is a large arrow that points up and to the left of the face at the top. Scattered along this arrow and in various other spots are simplistic pictures of houses. To the far right there is a large eye and the words “I’M SICK.” Clearly if Desmond painted this he believes that he is the sick one. One point towards the “personal quarantine” theory. In regards to the eye, it’s obvious that Lost has many references to that – most of the show openings begin with the opening of an eye, Locke refers to seeing into the Eye of the Island and 108 added together equals 9, the numerical equivalent to the letter “I.” Intriguing. I don’t know what it all means just yet, but it’s crazy as hell.

4. Mirrors. Another theme that is explored throughout the series is with mirrors, or, more specifically, opposites. Now with the addition of the ba-gua and yin yang, the concept of balance and opposition saturates the show. From the very beginning we had hints as to this theme: Locke explains backgammon to Walt by describing it as a battle between two forces, that of light and dark. Further along, we see the dichotomy of faith versus science as Locke and Jack knock heads. Most recently in the premiere, Shannon sees Walt who has a message for her. He moves and speaks backwards, saying, “Don’t push the button, the button is bad.” And now, the theme is taken even further with the addition of the Dharma logo and the presence of the multiple mirrors in the hatch complex. Every survivor is being forced to look upon themselves and their pasts and attempt to resolve those things. The Island itself has acted as a sort of mirror, forcing everyone to see themselves more clearly. To me, it all sort of comes together with the hatch. It’s very reminiscent of Through the Looking Glass. A world turned topsy-turvy, things out of place, a funhouse of strange characters and smoke and mirrors. Locke is like the white rabbit, frantic to get to his destiny, and he’s leading everyone down down down into the rabbit hole. Too bad Desmond doesn’t wear a mad hat.

5. Mama Cass.

Nobody can tell ya
There’s only one song worth singing
They may try and sell ya
Cause it hangs them up
To see someone like you

You gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind music
Even if nobody else sings along

It can’t be nowhere
The loneliest kind of lonely
It may be
Just to do your thing is the hardest thing to do

You gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind music
Even if nobody else sings along

And if you will not take my hand
Then I must be going, I’ll understand

The first seasonal intermezzo – and it was only the week between the first and second episodes!
(Article published on Sept. 24, 2005)

This little adventure with numbers was inspired by this quote from Damon Lindelof:

“The only number was always sort of a key number was 23, and anybody who knows anything about Robert Anton Wilson or any of his writing can read into that what they will. That’s an important number in terms of the scheme of the show.”

Now, hearing Lindelof speak the holy name of Mr. Wilson made my ears perk. The number 23 has always been special to me … I use it all the time, and see it pop up everywhere. It all started with The Illuminatus! Trilogy that Robert wrote with Robert Shea back in the day. It’s a mindfuck of epic proportions that really changes the way you think about the world and the secret organizations that really run things. It’s loopy, parts of it are sheer parody, but there are certain sections of the book that will make your head feel as though it’s three sizes too small to contain the thoughts it generates. I don’t have time to go into all of it in this post, but rest assured that I will return soon to fill your Lost-addled minds with thoughts of the law of fives, the I-Ching, the Discordians, Adam Weishaupt and 23 skidoo.

For now, however, I simply present you with an exercise in sequential numerology. But first, a quote from Mr. Wilson on the mysterious number 23:

“There is nothing special about it, if you are not aware of it. However, once you know, you will see it everywhere. And now, you know.”

Let’s take the magic numbers and see what fun we can have with them:
4 8 15 16 23 42

Now, first off, we all know by now that all the numbers added together equal 108. Also, 1, 0 and 8 added together equals 9. As Liz has mentioned, the number 9 corresponds to the letter “I” in our alphabet. It’s a neat fact, but we won’t delve into that with this lesson.

Assuming that, in sequential numerology, a zero is insignificant, let’s take a look at some things.

First, let’s add the even sets together.
4+8=12, 15+16=31, 23+42=65

Then add those paired integers together …
1+2=3, 3+1=4, 6+5=11

Finally, let’s add the result triplet.
3+4+11=18

Now, we all know that
1+8=9

Cool, huh? Wait, it gets better.

Let’s add the first two sets together, but this time, since 23 is a power number (I’ll explain that later in another post with the law of fives) we don’t add 23 with another pair. So …
4+8=12, 15+16=31, 23, 42

Then …
1+2=3, 3+1=4, 2+3=5, 4+2=6

We now have a sequential set.
3, 4, 5, 6

Of course, add them all together and you get 18 again. Add them once more, you get 9.

Now, let’s take that sequential set one step further and add them out of order.
3+6=9, 4+5=9

Two sets of nines. Getting funky, isn’t it?

Finally, let’s add the sequential set in another order.
4+6=10, 3+5=8

Put ‘em together, what d’ya get?
108

Getting the picture?

And now, you know. Happy hunting.

Analysis for Season Two, Episode Two – “Adrift”
(Article published on Sept. 29, 2005)

Today’s Lost thoughts will go all over the board, but that’s the beauty of the show – so many clues, such imagination, so little time. So, bear with me and I’ll try to keep my ruminations and revelations to a manageable length.

THE SHARK

Check out this primitive screencapping! Ah, the good old days, when we had to chisel the image on stone tablets.

By now, all of you have probably seen that the shark had a variation of the DHARMA logo that appears all over Desmond’s bunker. I say variation because the two are definitely not the same. Look at the comparison:

The image at left is in the hatch compound. The image at right is an approximation of what appears on the shark’s tail. It’s difficult to make out all the details from the screen caps I’ve seen so far, but two things are definitely obvious: the swan and word DHARMA are no longer there, and the Ba-Gua is rotated counterclockwise one “notch.”

What the difference means in the long run is anyone’s guess, but the orientation of the Ba-Gua is telling. According to the principles of Feng Shui, the orientation has to do with the balance of things in regards to how you want the flow of energy in a room or environment. I think that could apply here, but a more plausible idea, to me at least, is that the Ba-Gua is simply a way for the “organization” to classify things according to duty/function. It could also be a way to organize and mark different projects. The hatch “project” could be a separate entity from the project that was utilizing the shark. The sole unifying symbology that ties the projects together within the same organization is the base Ba-Gua.

Damn I wish I could find a picture of Jin’s watch.

THE HATCH
Quite a few revelations from last night’s hatch sequences. Here’s what we can glean so far:

• The DHARMA logo that I recreated from last week is absolutely correct. We see it super-clear when Locke investigates one of the markings as he’s entering. It also appears on just about everything in the supply room where Kate was being held. It’s undeniable that whatever Desmond’s mixed up in, it involves a large group or organization with huge monetary resources.

• The password for the computer is the sequence of our favorite numbers. They are used to reset a counter that’s counting down from 108, probably 108 hours. This is essentially a “dead man’s switch,” a failsafe protocol used during the Cold War in nuclear facilities and other military operations. Basically, a compound was manned by two (and, sometimes more) individuals whose duty was to reset a timer every few hours to prevent the launch of missiles. The concept is that if anything happened to the country where the compound has housed and it managed to kill off a large majority of the populace, including the crew, the timer would never be reset and would trigger a launch. It’s also been applied to self-destruct mechanisms in military operations, as well. Just like in a missile silo, a crew is set in a compound to protect it. They reset a timer every few hours to prevent detonation of self-destruct devices. If the compound was ever taken over by hostile forces, only the crew knew the password or secret switch to prevent the detonation. When the hostile forces couldn’t stop the countdown – boom. Exactly what Desmond’s preventing, I’m not sure. Honestly, I think the dead man’s switch may do nothing. It’s all a research project.
• Those shoes are Locke’s. I believe he takes them off after seeing the DHARMA logo. I need to rewatch to make sure, but that would be interesting, especially in relation to the ba-gua and eastern traditions.
• Desmond’s expecting someone, possibly a replacement or someone from a survival team.
• Desmond believes that the world has suffered some catastrophic event, as he asks Locke “Is the world still there?” while questioning him. He also asks Locke about the sickness, wondering which people in his group have exhibited symptoms. Desmond’s confirmation of a sickness on the island reinforces Danielle’s story of what happened to her crew. Did Desmond and Danielle’s cohorts succumb to the same illness? Or are they the ones that are infected and have been left on the island for either quarantine or for study?
• Although this is something we all pretty much knew, the hatch has probably been there for over 20 years since Locke says he hasn’t seen one of those computers “in over 20 years.” Desmond, however, couldn’t possibly have been down there for that long.
• Raise your hand if you think Desmond and Jack have more of a past than just running into each other at a stadium.

THE CANDY BAR
When Kate’s in the supply room, she stumbles on a batch of candy bars. The name on the wrapper says “Apollo.” There are several wild theories flying around the web right now as to exactly what that means. Personally, before I even saw any of the theories, I thought it was interesting that it referenced the god Apollo, who is the ruler of the sun. Last week, on the mural, we had the prominent sun depicted, with the 108 in the center. We even have character named Sun.

Although it’s fascinating to dig deep into the mystery of the island, and I do believe the writers, directors and set artists have a ball hiding little details, sometimes a candy bar is just a candy bar.

I do believe, however, that Kate shouldn’t have eaten any of the food. It could be laced with who knows what. But that is a discussion for another time.

****

By the way, What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

“I smell carrots.”

Analysis for Season Two, Episode Three – “Orientation”
(Article published on Oct. 6, 2005)

Well, folks, it’s Thursday, and that means it’s time for my weekly ramblings on last night’s episode of Lost. I feel a bit ill-prepared this go-around, as I only watched the episode once. That’s okay, though, as I always have more fun coming up with ideas and theories from the dark recesses of my own mind.

THINGS WE THOUGHT WE KNEW THAT NOW WE REALLY KNOW. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
1) The design of the DHARMA logo we speculated two weeks ago is correct, except that the R is not reversed.

2) The timeline of when Desmond arrived on the island was about three years ago. Most of us agreed that it had to be around two to three years. Everyone who’s been harping that he came to the island with Rousseau just needs to shut the hell up.

3) The Dharma Initiative was a scientific consortium dedicated to studying the island’s effects. I’ll go into more detail about this later on.

4) Sarah and Jack did get married, but obviously something happened to break them up. More about this later.

5) By the end of the season, Sayid will have constructed an inter-island communications system using only coconuts.

THE DHARMA INITIATIVE
Well, what can I say about that little orientation film other than HOLY CRAP. Almost all of our questions were answered, but, as usual, a million more were raised. Basically what we learned is that the DHARMA Initiative was begun back in the early seventies and funded by the Hanso Foundation, an organization created by Alvar Hanso, a former weapons munitioner-turned-philanthropist. The DHARMA Initiative was created to study six scientific areas that exist on the fringe, the third one – Electromagnetic Research Initiative – being the station that includes the hatch. The six projects likely began around 1980 as that is the copyright date on the film, although the Initiative actually began earlier, but fell prey to an unnamed “incident” early in its inception.

At one point during the film, the presenter mentions the works of B.F. Skinner, which is very telling of the motivations behind the Hanso Foundation and the DHARMA Initiative. Skinner was a psychologist who pioneered many revolutionary and controversial psychological theories and experiment, most notably those of operant conditioning, which involved the study of positive and negative reinforcements. Another particular area of study that might relate to the island and its occupants is superstition.

The following is an article excerpt which describes Skinner’s research on superstition among pigeons and humans:

Skinner placed a series of hungry pigeons in a cage attached to an automatic mechanism that delivered food to the pigeon ‘at regular intervals with no reference whatsoever to the bird’s behaviour.’ Whatever chance actions each bird had been performing as food was delivered was strengthened, so the bird continued to perform the same actions:

“One bird was conditioned to turn anti-clockwise about the cage, making two or three turns between reinforcements. Another repeatedly thrust its head into one of the upper corners of the cage. A third developed a ‘tossing’ response, as if placing its head beneath an invisible bar and lifting it repeatedly. Two birds developed a pendulum motion of the head and body, in which the head was extended forward and swung from right to left with a sharp movement followed by a somewhat slower return.”

The experiment might be said to demonstrate a sort of superstition. The bird behaves as if there were a causal relation between its behaviour and the presentation of food, although such a relation is lacking. There are many analogies in human behaviour. Rituals for changing one’s luck at cards are good examples. A few accidental connections between a ritual and favourable consequences suffice to set up and maintain the behaviour in spite of many non-reinforced instances. The bowler who has released a ball down the alley but continues to behave as if he were controlling it by twisting and turning his arm and shoulder is another case in point. These behaviours have, of course, no real effect upon one’s luck or upon a ball half way down an alley, just as in the present case the food would appear as often if the pigeon did nothing – or, more strictly speaking, did something else.

If you made it through all that, congratulations. You get the grand prize … I’m going to tell you about something else Skinner pioneered that’s gonna blow your mind: The Skinner Box.

Remember when Lenny was screaming “You opened the box!” to Hurley when he was visiting the nut hatch? Well, let me tell you about a Skinner box. The box is an operant conditioning chamber that can accommodate an animal. Conditioning chambers have at least one operandum that can automatically detect the occurrence of a behavioral response or action. Typical operanda for monkeys and rats are “response levers”; if the subject presses the lever, the opposite end moves and closes a switch that is monitored by a computer or other programmed device. Typical operanda for pigeons and other birds are “response keys” with a switch that closes if the bird pecks at the key with sufficient force. The other minimal requirement of a conditioning chamber is that it have a means of delivering a primary reinforcer or unconditioned stimulus like food or water.

With such a simple configuration, one operandum and one feeder, it is possible to investigate uncountable psychological phenomena. Modern conditioning chambers typically have many operanda, like many response levers, two or more feeders and a variety of devices capable of generating stimuli (lights, sounds, chords, figures, drawings, etc.) in the chamber … kinda like a timer that counts backwards from 108.

Intriguing, eh? Is the hatch and, more importantly, the entire island just one big psychological experiment? Or is the Hanso Foundation really seeking out fringe scientific realms? I have a feeling it’s probably both. After all, it’s a big island, and the presenter in the orientation film did say that there were five other stations.

THE THIRD POLICEMAN
For weeks now, the writers and producers have leaked to the media and public word that a new literary reference was going to pop up in the show. This book, The Third Policeman, would only show up for a second, but for diehard fans it could mean another literary link to clues they need to decipher what’s going on with the island. Well, after seeing last night’s episode, I’m convinced that The Third Policeman is a red herring – a subtle in-joke by the writers and producers, having some fun with the rabid fans. The story is basically a surreal comedic trip into a strange world filled with conspiracy, chaos, philosophy and several wild goose chases. Effectively, the book is a scattered collection of ideas and wild theories, all put together and narrated by a dead man. It’s an interesting read, but it seems to me that it reflects more on the fans than the show. I mean, we’re all the ones sitting around, piecing together wild-eyed theories about what’s going on with the island, and the people behind the show love it. I also believe that Locke’s wild-eyed statement of “We’re gonna need to watch that again” after watching the orientation film was a hilarious jab at all of us that watch the episodes over and over looking for clues. I can only imagine that half the viewers would have said the same thing Locke said afterwards because they all knew they were gonna have to watch it again. It’s a brilliant bit of writing.

So, in my opinion, The Third Policeman is a wild goose chase, but an interesting read nonetheless. If I was a betting man, I’d put my money on Turn of the Screw by Henry James, instead. It’s the book that the orientation film is hidden behind, and I imagine that its contents will play a larger part in the whole of the rest of the season. For those who’ve never read it, it’s a ghost story, filled with people who believe easily in what they are seeing, and those that are torn between what they see and what they believe. Its overall theme has already been carried through with Jack, seeing his father and not wanting to believe, and I have a feeling that somewhere this season, a certain deceased survivor is going to start showing up to haunt Locke.

But that’s just my opinion.

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That about wraps it up for this extra bit of fluff, but before I go I just want to thank all of you out there who have written emails or left comments over the past two seasons saying how much you enjoy Down the Hatch and all the work that goes into it. That really means the world to me, and it makes the 17 sleepless Wednesday and Thursday nights in a season all worthwhile.

If any of you would like to see additional features over Lost‘s hiatus, drop me a line and let me know. Or, better yet, leave a comment on this or another Down the Hatch. That way your mail won’t get lost amongst the spam. I can only eat so many cans, so fast.

Until next time, keep thinking those thoughts, and if you have an epiphany, tell me something good.

Namaste.

Chris Kirkman is a graphic designer/photographer/journalist/geek extraordinaire with way too many Bruce Campbell movies in his library. Michael Emerson, Lost’s Benjamin Linus, called Kirkman’s recaps “one of the smartest articles I’ve ever read about what goes on on our show.” Kirkman is still hoping that Lost will end when Bob Newhart wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette, complaining of a strange, strange dream. You can contact him at ckirkman@hobotrashcan.com.

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Joel Murphy

Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels may have beaten Vince McMahon inside the ring, but outside of the squared circle, the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment is unbeatable (unless he’s going up against a bunch of tree-hugging panda-lovers claiming the rights to the initials “WWF,” but that’s a story for another day).

The federal government tried to indict him on steroid charges in the early 90s and failed. Ted Turner created WCW to compete against the WWE and in the end, WCW went bankrupt and McMahon bought out the company. And now, Kroenke Sports and the NBA have crossed the WWE’s boss and chances are McMahon will once again come out the victor.

Next Monday, McMahon’s Monday Night Raw is scheduled to take place live at the Pepsi Center in Denver, but now Kroenke Sports, which owns the building, is telling McMahon that he has to find a new place to host his flagship show. The reason the WWE is getting the boot? The Denver Nuggets are hosting the Los Angeles Lakers in Game Four of the Western Conference finals the same night.

How did Kroenke Sports end up double booking the Pepsi Center? Well, it turns out that the company didn’t have much faith in the Nuggets making it this far in the playoffs, so they gave the date to the WWE last August (and finalized the contract on April 15 of this year, the final night of the regular season). Perhaps they shouldn’t have been so confident that the Nuggets would be out of the playoffs by now, but considering that the team lost in the first round the last five years (and are the number two seed in the West this season for the first time since 1985), you can see why Kroenke Sports thought next Monday would be wide open.

Kroenke Sports is doing all it can to diffuse the situation. Paul Andrews, executive vice president of the company, issued a statement saying: “We are working with the WWE to resolve the situation amicably.”

Unfortunately, resolving situations amicably isn’t exactly McMahon’s strong suit. In fact, the billionaire wrestling promoter has already gone on the offensive, taking shots at Kroenke Sports. He told the Associated Press that he didn’t think there was “any malice” in the company’s decision to kick the WWE out of the Pepsi Center, “just ineptness.” McMahon also added that “fans in Denver had a lot more faith in making the playoffs than the owner.”

McMahon, who lives for this type of media attention, has also been playing the role of the victim.

“I’m up the creek, and I don’t have a paddle either – I really don’t know what to do,” McMahon told the Denver Post. “We can’t reschedule the event. We can’t get out there as often as we would like for a television event, because we’re the second-largest traveling show in the world to Ringling Brothers. The amount of equipment we have is extraordinary.” The Chairman said that 10,000 tickets have already been sold to the event and he expects a sellout.

“There’s no provision in the contract whatsoever that states we could be preempted,” McMahon went on to say. “We would have never played the date if we [had] known we could be preempted. We’ve been working around NBA dates for a long, long time, and had we know that this was going to be something unceremoniously thrown out on, we never would have taken the date on a tentative basis. We don’t do that.”

“I don’t have any idea what I’m going to do, whether I’m going to produce a show out of a parking lot somewhere,” he said. “I have no idea what’s going to happen.”

The NBA is unsympathetic to the WWE’s dilemma.

“The Nuggets and the WWE understand that the date of Game Four of the Western Conference Finals cannot be changed,” said NBA senior vice president Mike Bass. “We are confident that the Pepsi Center and the WWE will resolve their scheduling conflict.”

I highly doubt that McMahon understands that Game Four’s date can’t be changed, since even I don’t believe that’s true. Earlier this month, the Washington Capitals and the Pittsburgh Penguins were forced to play two playoff games on back-to-back nights in different cities because the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh had a scheduling conflict because of a Yanni concert. If the NHL can be flexible for Yanni, the NBA can work with McMahon. Besides, the NBA loves to stretch out the playoffs for as long as possible, so there’s no reason why they couldn’t just push everything back by one day.

As it stands, the NBA and the Denver Nuggets have won the battle by forcing the WWE to find a new arena next Monday, but they won’t win the war. McMahon will continue to bash the league and the Nuggets owners in the press and there are even reports that he may pursue litigation. He’ll milk this story for all it’s worth and will come out on top once again. The NBA will come out looking like stuck up, inflexible douchebags and Kroenke Sports will look like a bunch of bumbling businessmen who had no faith in their team’s ability to make a playoff run. And McMahon has already gotten more mainstream publicity for next Monday’s show than he gets for most Wrestlemanias.

So, unless David Stern is as good with a sledgehammer as Triple H is, the NBA and Kroenke Sports better find a way to let McMahon have the Pepsi Center next Monday. Otherwise, McMahon will have them down on the mat in no time.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Aaron R. Davis

Aaron is shooting the breeze with friends.

Aaron is digging Pepsi Throwback.

Aaron is worried about the patch of dead skin on his shin.

Aaron is looking forward to the season finale of How I Met Your Mother.

As you can see, Aaron is giving away valuable personal information.

At least, according to NPR’s John Ridley I am.

That’s what he wrote in a recent column. After spending half of his column decrying the faddishness of Facebook and Twitter, he then gets to the real topic at hand: the false equating of indiscretion with the invasion of personal privacy:

“But my real issue with social networking sites isn’t their faddishness.

“It’s the hypocrisy that goes with them.

“We claim to be a nation of people who take our privacy very seriously. Just mention the idea of warrantless wiretaps and expect to get hit up with a congressional investigation.

“But give somebody an avatar and a URL, and he can’t tweet, post or hyperlink enough personal information about himself to as many people as possible.”

For a political columnist, there’s no personal issue that can’t be linked to a political issue with only the tiniest bit of intellectual dishonesty. Or, to give Ridley the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s just missed the point.

The American government deciding it can go through all of my files at a whim and monitor my phone calls, working out a complete (and probably erroneous, given my propensity for bad jokes) psychological profile and giving themselves access to my bank accounts, job history, social security number, driving record, financial history, etc is invasion of privacy.

Me tweeting that I just had the best double cheeseburger ever at Dairy Queen is me being conversational. At its worst, it’s indiscreet. I realize there are a very, very select few who would care about this “personal information,” but it’s hardly the same thing as just giving out my PIN number over the Internet and hoping no one ever finds it.

See, the way Twitter (or Facebook or Blogger, for those of us who still use it) works is that I get to tell you whatever I want to about myself. The choice is mine, and the “personal information” that I really liked Pineapple Express or that I think Nancy Pelosi is being scapegoated is something you can either ignore or take an interest in. But what I tell you is just that – what I tell you. It’s not stolen from me without my knowledge and used in whatever way someone else sees fit to have some measure of control or power over me. Can you see the gigantic difference in the two concepts he’s trying to say are the same thing? You could drive an aircraft carrier through that and still have a lot of room on either side.

Aaron is not buying John Ridley’s weak, cranky argument.

The other point that Ridley misses is the change we’ve had in the way we socially network offline. It’s a cliché to say that my generation spends most of their time indoors, but we sure do. Our upbringings have been a whirlwind of taking all of the things you used to have to go out and spend time with people to do and moving them into our own homes. We killed the arcade and put the video games in our bedrooms and living rooms. We took computers that used to take up entire rooms and put them on our desktops, and they keep getting smaller. We took the movie theater experience and made it accessible from the couch. We took an entire music industry and shunted it to little handheld portable devices. Our “friends” are people on a computer screen we may have never met, and most of what we want comes to us at the click of a button. You can order pizza online, read books online and even have sex online. Some people go to school online. Some people even go to their jobs online.

And when you’re living online, you don’t have to develop the social skills that go with being a member of an outside community. Just look at the comments on YouTube sometime, or try to play Xbox Live. You’d think everyone in the world had, overnight, turned into a gay-bashing Holocaust denier with Tourette’s syndrome. The filters are off and the crazy is spilling out into social acceptability. You can see it in the media. It’s okay for FHM to put 16 year-old Miley Cyrus on their list of 100 Sexiest Women. It’s okay for Rush Limbaugh to equate President Obama’s middle name with the now-accepted stupidity that all Muslims are evil terrorists. It’s okay for Jenny McCarthy to do her part to bring back eradicated diseases which kill children by selling the concept that vaccinations are dangerous. It’s okay for Carrie Prejean to be a bigot, because we have to respect peoples’ beliefs, even if those beliefs are harmful and wrong. It’s okay for America to actually have a debate over the benefits of torture instead of condemning it.

Aaron often feels like the amount of crazy stupidity online is making his brain slower.

If Twitter and Facebook help curb some of the stupid and tone down the display of assholery, they’ve done a valuable service to the world. And if it makes people better communicators, that too is a good thing. Because my generation has been slowly but surely returning to a point where it craves community and friendship, and so we’ve been creating social networks with the idea of taking all of society and moving it inside. We are, in our little ways, making a new community that is perfectly comfortable with online communication. We’ve been quietly weeding out the harmful ideas and leaving them behind, the way all societies have over their history, and I think we’re making a good faith effort to be honest. Sure, some of it is America’s narcissism, but I think there’s more to it than that.

I used to say that Twitter, with its 140-character limit, was a good indicator of how little we have to say to each other. But now that I’ve been using it, I think I was wrong. It’s a network that forces you to be selective about what you want to share. It makes you think about what you want to say to certain people and what you wouldn’t want the entire world to know about you. Because you’re going to get the feedback right away. And even if no one on your network knows you in “real life,” embarrassment is still embarrassment and it always sucks.

Aaron is surprisingly optimistic that the human race is sometimes on the right course.

So when John Ridley asks, “Seriously, does valuable broadband space need to be taken up with announcements in that creepy Facebook third-person-ese that ‘John is enjoying two-for-one margaritas with the rest of the IT Team at T.G.I. Fridays’?” the obvious answer is no. Of course is doesn’t have to be. It’s not important in the grander sense. But it’s also not a security leak in valuable info that is going to compromise John’s safety or free will.

And when John Ridley asks, “Where is the expectation of privacy anymore? Or, more correctly, where is the expectation that people will keep their private nonsense to themselves so that those of us who still like to communicate personal information with one person at a time don’t have to get caught up in somebody else’s e-mail circles or listen to their one-sided cell phone conversations?” he seems to be forgetting that one of the benefits of an online social network is that you can pick and choose your own access to other people as easily as you pick and choose what access you want people to have.

In other words, don’t sign up to follow these people.

Aaron is filtering his online social network.

Aaron is looking forward to another double cheeseburger from Dairy Queen.

Aaron needs to make a serious effort to lose some weight.

Aaron is having a nice day today.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

Similar Posts:

• Murphy’s Law – A world without Twitter
• Positive Cynicism – Giving credit where credit isn’t due
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Courtney Enlow

You know, I realized that in this series, I’ve been expounding on the things liked by the assholes of this world, without offering and helpful tips for you stave off your own inner-assholiness. And this is wrong of me as someone you trust, a doctor in the field of asshometrics. So since nothing remotely interesting has happened in the field of entertainment since last week, and since if I dedicate a whole post to yelling at Trekkersies who didn’t like Star Trek, I’ll probably be found dead with a little plastic Kirk figurine sticking out of my mouth, I figured it’s time to remedy what I’ve neglected and help you be a better you.

My helpful guide will be a series in itself. The first deals with gender-specific assholery. If you have a gender, you need my help.

1. Machoness is next to cheesiness

I think I speak for all women when I say that we do love ourselves a manly man. We don’t need Bear Grylls, but we don’t want Pete Wentz (and if you’re reading this and you DO want Pete Wentz, then you’re already beyond my help). But some guys have a strange idea of what makes a man a man, and they need assistance.

Any fan of Hot Chicks With Douchebags, or anyone with eyes and access to bars for that matter, can spot a deeb when they see one. Overmuscled, undersized shirt, shaped like an upside down triangle, stupid hair and a bit red-faced, wearing a shirt with some really stupid looking cursive print or metallic design that one would have found at a Hollister seven years ago. They seem to think ladies find this attractive, and for some ungodly reason, some of them do. But as long as these two genders of assholes stick together, they won’t bother the rest of us, so it’s fine.

I’m more concerned with the secretly macho. Guys who look nice and normal and then show random signs of cro-magnonness.

My personal most hated form of this: the I’m-too-cool-and-strong-to-hold-on-while-riding-the-train. Now if you don’t live in a place with public mass transit, you may not know what I’m talking about, so let me describe. Imagine you’re riding to class or work on top of your car, Teen Wolf-style. Now it’s moving and sometimes it takes turns and you’re seriously not able to stay on. And you’re not even dancing and doing backflips, just trying to stand up and not die. That’s basically what happens on the train, except there’s tons of people standing around them, so when they get knocked around, they get knocked into people. Mainly me. On a daily basis, I stand next to some asshat who refuses to hold on (because apparently holding on causes vaginas, and we just can’t have that). Then every time the train shakes or turns, they knock into me and smack me in the face with the latest copy of Runner’s World or Men’s Health.

Men of the world, please stop. Hold on when riding the el, lay off the weight gain powder and HGH, break eye contact when hitting on a girl (because when you just stare at us ceaselessly we get flashes of Patrick Bateman) and go up a damn shirt size. Then the ladies will come a-flockin’.

2. Don’t be “That Girl”

And ladies, when you go a-flockin’, please take precautions to prevent general “That Girl”-ness.

That Girl takes many forms. She can be obvious or live completely in secret until that fateful third Jagerbomb. So you really must look out for the classic signs.

Does she seem to love sports, but doesn’t really say much during the game, and what she does say is often wrong? Does she drink the same beer you happen to be drinking, but does so really slowly and then does a shitload of shots? Does she not have many female friends because “girls are too much drama”? She is the Guy-Friendly That Girl. Girls do not like her because she is completely guy-centric, so she only knows how to fit in with guys enough that they like her (this is why she may also be a self-proclaimed fan of The Girls Next Door and speak of unproven bisexual tendancies). You’ll realize quickly that she has zero understanding of these sports she claims to like, which is all well and good, but she’ll overzealously insist that she loves them. She will be annoying.

Does she get told that she’s beautiful so often that you find yourself thinking “you know, no, she really isn’t”? Does she seem to believe that she’s really cute, with her constant aw-shucks nature? Does she speak of really “cool” bands and movies, even though you’ve only ever seen her listen to Jack Johnson and watch How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days? She is the Fabricated Personality That Girl, caused by years of being told how pretty she is and never having to develop a personality of her own, and then starting to realize that she’s not as pretty as she always thought, and now must actively fight to get people to say it. Tread lightly; she will become clingy and will suddenly love everything you happen to like (and will tell you that she did so long before you’d ever heard of it).

Is she too interesting? Does she seem to tell you a lot of stories about threats on her life, or has she had three months to live the entire time you’ve known her (and you’ve known her for four years)? She is the Crazy That Girl. Be nice to her, but do not touch or befriend. She will probably try to kill you, or at least call you crying every two weeks about how her dog died (again) until you finally start paying attention to her again.

This is but a small cross-section. So how does a girl prevent dawning That Girl-ness? Well, you really can’t. At some time or another, we are all “That Girl.” We call an ex and get all weepy, or our self-esteem seems to be crushed because we don’t get hit on one night. So the only to really avoid it is to never drink alcohol. But luckily, since most of us tend to only be like that when we’re drunk, the rest of the time we’re okay. The only way for the aforementioned girls to avoid and change? Therapy. Just so much therapy. Just like the rest of us.

Assholiness is avoidable. If you or someone you know is an asshole, please, call my helpline. Thanks and God bless.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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Joe Dunn might just be the hardest working man in webcomics. Three years ago, he was regularly updating three comics on his website, Digital Pimp Online, and had recently wrapped up a fourth strip with Mitch Clem. (Dunn is also the man responsible for all of the artwork seen here on HoboTrashcan.)

If you missed this interview in 2006, take this opportunity to get to know him now.
http://www.hobotrashcan.com/2006/05/23/getting-to-know-joe-dunn/