Murphy’s Law – Schadenfreude

Joel Murphy

It was no surprise to me that someone finally took a swing at Perez Hilton. Frankly, the only surprise to me is that no one punched the gossip blogger in the face sooner.

In case you missed it, Hilton got into a heated discussion with will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas on Sunday night after the Much Music Awards in Toronto. will.i.am confronted Hilton about disparaging comments Hilton wrote on his site and things escalated from there. Hilton admits that he got upset at the Black Eyed Peas member and called him a “fucking faggot.” Moments later, Hilton was reportedly punched in the face by the band’s manager, Liborio “Polo” Molina, who has been charged with assault.

Once Hilton left the music awards, he logged on to Twitter account and posted the following message: “I was assaulted by will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.”

Since then, both Hilton and will.i.am have posted video blogs telling their side of the story. Hilton clarified that will.i.am never assaulted him, but failed to explain why he went to Twitter after the altercation instead of calling the police himself. While will.i.am seems calm and collected in his video response, Hilton comes across as extremely agitated and angry. He repeatedly says that violence is never the answer, then continues to direct insults and expletives at the band.

While Hollywood is usually quick to jump on the bandwagon of any trendy new cause, it seems like there won’t be any actors jumping on the “Stop Violence Against Bitchy Bloggers” bandwagon. In fact, it seems like Hollywood has been getting quite a bit of joy out of Hilton’s pain.

Kelly Clarkson said, “I don’t think violence is the answer, but what did you expect? You can’t say that much crap about people without being able to take something, so … I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already … I’m thinking how much did will.i.am pay his manager to do that (laughs) because you know he wanted to.”

Jonathan Knight from New Kids on the Block said, “Haha, bitch! A bag of frozen peas always works wonders when you get sucka punched in the eye.” He added: “This is the best day ever.”

John Mayer wrote on Twitter account: “I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called ‘Never Call A Black Dude a Faggot Jitsu.’”

Hilton was a bit surprised by all of the people who took great joy in his misfortune.

“I am honestly SHOCKED at the amount of people saying I deserved to be hit. Shame on you! NO. Violence is never the answer. NEVER,” Hilton wrote.

But can he really be that surprised that people aren’t eager to jump to his defense? The man has made a career out of crudely drawing penises on the faces of celebrities and writing horrible insults about them. At the same time, he wants to be a celebrity himself, so he attends the same parties and events as the people he’s mocking. He seemed to be under the impression that he could say whatever he wanted and there would be no repercussions, but life doesn’t work that way. Eventually, something has to give. He’s just lucky he called will.i.am a faggot and not Kiefer Sutherland. Jack Bauer headbutts people for fun and he would have made short work of the doughy blogger (and unlike Molina, Sutherland would have left a few marks).

Perez Hilton is convinced that violence is never the answer, but frankly I’m not so sure. I think it’s good that he got punched in the face. He needs to know that he isn’t writing his blog posts in a bubble. If he wants to mock celebrities and wants to hang around in the same social circles as those celebrities, he needs to be ready to take his medicine. Just because he would never hit anyone doesn’t mean he can shout whatever insults he wants to other people’s faces and expect them to follow the same rules.

To me, this isn’t just about Hilton. The Internet is a wonderful thing and it makes it easy to share opinions and connect with people in real time. It’s a really amazing tool. Unfortunately, it also breeds really amazing tools who flock to websites and message boards to spew hate. Because people are in the safety of their own home and have a degree of anonymity, they feel like they can write whatever they want. Certain people don’t think twice about tearing down other people online because they think it will never catch up to them. This past weekend, Hilton simply found out that the real world doesn’t work like the Internet.

Anyone who has seen Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back remembers the scene at the end of the film where the two lead characters fly across the country and beat down everyone who ever posted a negative comment about them on an Internet message board. I would love to see this happen in real life so that people have to think twice about what they are writing online. If the question is “How do we stop morons from writing ignorant, hate-filled posts on the Internet?” perhaps violence is the answer.

And I realize that I am guilty at lashing out at celebrities in this column (although I like to think that my posts are a bit more clever than Hilton’s penis sketches and the average Internet troll’s misspelled, ignorant all-caps tirades), but I’m ready to accept the consequences. In fact, I keep hoping and praying that one day Jimmy Fallon shows up at my doorstep ready to fight.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.