Aaron R. Davis

By now, most people are aware of 20th Century Fox TV’s recent decision to hire new voice actors to replace the cast of Futurama.

Futurama was one of my all-time favorite TV shows, one of the smartest satires on television, and completely unsupported by Fox – despite the fact that it was a show from Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons, one of the shows that turned Fox into a viable TV network. And it was funnier than The Simpsons has been in a decade.

Like a lot of great shows, Futurama was canceled before its time. Now, granted, it’s not a show for everyone. I know plenty of people who just don’t think it’s funny. But some of the blame also has to go to Fox for moving the show all over its Sunday schedule and pre-empting week after week after week for baseball coverage. When Futurama was canceled, it was something of a relief.

It sold very, very well on DVD. Imagine that, Fox – when you put something people want to watch where they can find it, they’ll actually go for it! The show did very well in reruns on Adult Swim and Comedy Central. Well enough to produce four made-for-DVD movies that also sold very, very well. In fact, the show became something of, if not a cash cow, than certainly some kind of ATM sheep for the network that had tried to kill off the show.

In fact, Futurama became successful enough that Comedy Central agreed to put some money into the show and partner with 20th Century Fox TV to produce a new season of original episodes. Finally, vindication for fans of this great series who, after all, really just want to see more new episodes!

Too bad the joy was short-lived.

20th Century Fox TV has, yet again, taken something people actually want to watch and done their damnedest to sink it before it even starts airing.

If you’ve been keeping abreast of this story, you’ll remember that part of the announcement for the show included the news that the original voice cast – Billy West, Katey Sagal, John DiMaggio, Maurice LaMarche, and Tress MacNeille – had all been signed to return to the show.

Except they hadn’t.

They were just expected to return.

And why wouldn’t they? The voice cast has been very close to this show, been very supportive of its fans and has been integral to the success of the series. That’s not just hyperbole, either. They’re not “just” voice actors – the acting ensemble on this series, which may be one of the best groups ever assembled, has given this show such a distinctive sound that it seems impossible to imagine anyone else giving such genuine life to the same characters. It would be as big a mistake to recast these characters as it would be to recast Alec Baldwin’s role on 30 Rock. Can you imagine another actor playing Jack Donaghy? Of course not. Alec Baldwin is integral to that show. And it’s the same case here. Anyone else would just be doing a poor imitation.

So, negotiations are ongoing. Basically, Fox doesn’t want to pay the cast members what they’re worth to the show, and are sending out feelers for replacements as a negotiating tactic to try and get the actors to take less money. Apparently Fox and Comedy Central both have been dramatically slashing down the per-episode budget of the show, and they expect the actors to take a pay cut. They’ve already reduced the writing staff and made the decision to institute a shorter delivery schedule – which basically means they’ll have less time to put each episode together, because nothing shows an interest in quality like forcing the people who make a show to do it as hastily as possible.

Not that Fox is interested in quality. They only care about making as much money as possible. And if that means putting Futurama back on the air for another season, then they’ll do it. But they’ll do it as cheaply as possible.

Now, this is an obvious negotiating stunt on the part of 20th Century Fox TV. This annoys me, but it doesn’t surprise me.

And Futurama having a big panel at Comic-Con this weekend hyping up a publicity stunt where a fake Fox executive would decide “live, on stage” the fate of the series didn’t surprise me, either.

What did surprise me was reading a few news stories that none of the cast showed up to the big panel.

Instead, it had some writers and producer/creators Matt Groening and David X. Cohen lamely skirting around the non-appearance of the actors, asking the crowd not to inquire about the absence of the actors and what their future with the show would be, and offering platitudes like “We love our Futurama actors. We hope that Fox and the actors can come to an agreement as soon as possible.”

Which is all very nice and certainly true. But it doesn’t answer what I really want to know. Namely, will Futurama really be Futurama without the same actors? And are Matt Groening and David X. Cohen really going to proceed in making this show without them?

Up until this weekend, I really thought this was all just a tasteless stunt to build up the announcement of the show’s return at Comic-Con. Now I see that it’s Fox dicking over the show and the fans who love it once again in order to squeeze a few more ducats out of something they own and are only begrudgingly putting back on the air because they smell money in the air.

It’s a pretty shameful way to treat the people who make this show that people love. And it’s a disgusting way to treat the people who only want to watch it. And when Fox TV frames this in a way that blames it on the voice actors not wanting to lower their salaries, as though they’re the ones standing in the way and Fox can’t afford to pay them what they’ve earned, they are lying.

At this point, if this is the way this is going to go down, I don’t even want to see Futurama come back. Because I’m happy with what I have. Sure, getting more would be nice, but at least it won’t end up like The Simpsons, which goes on and on and on endlessly and gets immeasurably worse. It’ll be a series like many of the others I’ve loved, like Veronica Mars and Farscape and Arrested Development and Invader ZIM, which are finite and high quality all the way through without being gobbled up by filler and cost-cutting. And I’m fine with that.

I had better be. Because I am not going to watch a recast Futurama. And I hope none of you are, either.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

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Courtney Enlow

I hate Katherine Heigl.

I know that there exists a certain redundancy in a blogger stating point blank that she hates Katherine Heigl, as it would seem that the Internet contains no one who likes her in the slightest (and it is things like this that reminds me just how small a community the Internet must be. I mean, people see Katherine Heigl movies, buy Katy Perry iTunes and watch The Bachelor and if they were on the Internet, you’d think they’d know better. Digression), but it’s true and I feel the need to say it now at the start.

Look, I’m not prejudice against people with bad taste. Some of my best friends watch Grey’s Anatomy, and that’s something we’ve worked through in our diversity seminars (a.k.a., fights about The Hills and Tucker Max). So her body of work plays little to no role in my hatred for her. I hate her because of one thing: she’s a colossal bitch from Planet Bitchface.

Before anyone starts on me, no, this is not an instance of “oh, she’s a woman who speaks her mind, so of course you think she’s a bitch.” God dammit I hate people that play that card because it’s so rarely the case, especially when a woman is presenting said case, so shut up and make me a sandwich, dame. And that is not a digression. It is in fact the kind of card Heigl herself plays constantly. Her brand of faux-feminism is the number one thing I hate most about her because she makes the rest of us look bad. And I’m not okay with that. Twat.

Heigl does speak her mind with no filter, and that would be all well and super if she wasn’t such an ungrateful asshat when she does it. She publicly derided Knocked Up for being misogynist, which means two things: 1) she didn’t see the movie, or else she’d have noticed that the obvious theme was that the female characters were the only ones with their shit together, and 2) she is a whore who performs in films she doesn’t believe in and cashes the check anyway. And no, I am not calling her a whore because she’s a woman. I’m calling her a whore because that’s the definition of whore.

After talking public shit about a movie that made her tons of money and gained her a ton of starpower, she then turned on the people who saved her from her lifelong title of “chick from that Gérard Depardieu incest movie”: the Grey’s writers. Last year, she released a statement withdrawing herself from Emmy consideration because, in her own super-assy words, she “did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials.”

There’s a word for people who say things like that and completely turncoat on those who made them: ungrateful. (And bitch.)

Those who’ve seen her in interviews know that she says little else besides complaining about her husband or her show or the paparazzi or everything. She’s a wide awake nightmare. And at long last, the Internet is not the only place people know this. This past week, obviously realizing that my article on the same topic was pushed back a week due to a death in the family (* shakes fist at God *), Newsweek printed an article entitled “Why Is Katherine Heigl So Annoying?” that no less than 12 people Tweeted and Facebook-ed to me. This was the best thing ever, except due to a journalistic attempt to remain unbiased, they were somewhat complimentary.

I have no such journalistic integrity. So I’ll just reiterate “I hate Katherine Heigl” and move along from her assface to the actual topic of this article. Her assface new movie, The Ugly Truth. And you will soon understand why I felt the need to go on at length about my hatred for Katie H.

I hate The Ugly Truth far more than I hate Katherine Heigl.

I first saw its trailer before a showing of The Hangover. My boyfriend became the recipient of four very red nail-shaped indentations in his arm as we watched the screen. I wanted to walk out or throw up. I was unsure of which I needed to do first.

The trailer, for those of you who don’t exist because we’ve all seen it, is basically every parody of romantic comedies that has ever been described in every hacky stand-up act, or the plot of every fake movie that characters discuss during sitcoms. It literally does not look like a real movie. It’s what everyone who hates romantic comedies thinks that romantic comedies are like, but no such movie has ever existed, because no romantic comedy has ever actually been that terrible.

The plot is as follows: Heigl is a producer on a television show. She is uppity and prudish and romantically-challenged, because of course she is. Her new correspondent on said show, King Leonidas, is a schlubby chauvinist who has sex with lots of women, because of course he is and of course he does. So obviously she starts taking his horrifically offensive dating advice, and it works, and he falls in love with her, and she falls in love with someone else, and she fakes an orgasm at a restaurant, and he wins her heart, and he is changed and softened, and I drop a clock/radio into my nightly bubble bath.

Seeing the trailer was not the worst thing that ever happened to me. Seeing the trailer before a screening of Public Enemies, however, was. Because unlike when I saw it before The Hangover, I could actually hear over the sound of blood boiling in my ears, and I heard laughter. I heard big, raucous laughter. My bloodlust on that day was strong and indefensible. And I knew that I must fight this real enemy. And that enemy’s name was Katherine Heigl.

So, Heigsy, I must call you out. You are watchable, pretty and up until you started ass-talking on a constant basis, your candor was appreciated. No more. Take your hypocritical fake-ass feminism and your completely contradictory film choices, and get out. You’re no longer wanted. In this current age where the Movie Star is dying, I’d rather watch a back to back showing of Megan Fox movies than watch you trample all over your “new Julia Roberts status.”

Do I wish my words could do what her co-star could not and chest-kick her into the proverbial pit? Of course. But I can’t do this alone. Let us stand together and fight this foe.

July 24. The Ugly Truth release date. The day laughter died. The day my soul died. The day any respect I had for Gerard Butler died. Never forget.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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The San Diego Comic-Con is an annual comic convention that in recent years has ballooned into a multi-genre celebration of nerd culture. Major studios use the Con to promote their movies and TV shows. Big name celebrities participate in panel discussions, fielding questions from rabid fans. It has become a can’t miss pop culture event.

This year, like most broke nerds in this terrible economy, we ended up sitting at home reading about Comic-Con on the Internet. But last year, Courtney Enlow was there, experiencing the sights, the sounds and (unfortunately) the smells.

So if you missed her report last year and would like to relive a time when a HoboTrashcan writer actually had the budget to be a part of the Nerd Super Bowl, here is your chance:
http://www.hobotrashcan.com/2008/07/31/hanging-around-san-diego-comic-con-2008/

Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

Here at HoboTrashcan, we are lucky enough to have the most attractive fans on the whole Internet. Have you all seen yourselves in the mirror lately? You are absolutely gorgeous people. You are a collection of Greek gods (who happen to enjoy pop culture references and sardonic wit).

And while your sparkling good looks are certainly not in question, I can’t help but feel like you are all missing something. Sure, you have magnificent looks and charming personalities, but you could use a bit of an upgrade in the wardrobe department. You deserve to own a piece of clothing that is as magnificent to gaze upon as you are.

That’s why you all should pick up HoboTrashcan’s new “Don’t cross the streams” t-shirt. It’s the only t-shirt that is as beautiful as all of you fine people, so do yourself a favor and order your shirt today.

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Outside of the In-Crowd – Official earners of their World’s Best Grandpa mugs
Tragically, Courtney Enlow’s grandfather passed away this past weekend. As a tribute to the man who meant the world to her, this week Enlow ranks the top five grandfathers from film and television and reveals why these men are worthy of their “World’s Best Grandpa” mugs.

Positive Cynicism – Fight for your digital rights
This week, Aaron R. Davis takes a look at digital rights management (DRM), technology which was supposedly implemented to protect the copyright on the music you purchase online, but which actually ends up controlling your access to the music you buy.

Guest Blog Post – Laughing all the way to the bank
American consumers can be talked into purchasing the most ridiculous crap if it is marketed effectively. This week, Brandon Miller takes a look back at the origins of four toy crazes – Slinkys, Pet Rocks, Rubik’s Cubes and Big Mouth Billy Bass – and wonders what the hell America was thinking.

The Teachers’ Lounge – Memorable Moments 2009
High school teacher and former HoboTrashcan columnist Ned Bitters returns to the site this week with a special guest column highlighting the funniest and most memorable moments that occurred in his classroom this past school year.

From the Vault – One on One with Kenneth Johnson
It’s not every day that a celebrity is willing to go on the record and say he could crush Sylvester Stallone. Anyone willing to step up and make that kind of bold statement is our kind of guy. So when Kenneth Johnson, of The Shield and Saving Grace fame, promises he could beat Sly in less than a second, that’s not something we’ll soon forget.

Last year, we caught up with Johnson to chat about working with one of the biggest names in porn, getting killed off of a major television show and being the second-best arm wrestler in the world.

- Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap is also available as an email newsletter. To sign up for the newsletter to ensure you never miss an update, send an email to newsletter-subscribe@hobotrashcan.com.

• Introduction
• International superstars
• Bill Gates, evil genius
• Meteorologists and eclipses
• Erin Andrews
• Contractually-obligated Batman discussion

Hobo Radio 93 - Talking about the weather [ 40:00 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Week 93 Spotlight: Talking about the weather

It has finally come to this. International superstars Joel Murphy and Lars Periwinkle are out of exciting podcast topics and are forced to discuss the weather.

However, it’s not as awful as it might sound. Even though chatting about the weather is a staple of all boring smalltalk, this week it is actually worth discussing. It seems computer mogul Bill Gates is working on a device that can control the weather, which may or may not be part of a master plan to force America to surrender to him while Superman looks on helplessly.

How is Bill Gates going to control the weather? How are Joel and Lars giving back to society? Why would anyone ever taunt Jack Nicholson? The answers to these questions and more are in this week’s podcast.

Hobo Radio is the official podcast of HoboTrashcan, brought to you by The Podcast Network.

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