I cannot talk about MTV without sounding like some strange old codger / hack comedian amalgamation. But these damn kids today with their lazy lackluster videos and their American Apparel and their hula hoops. They don’t even KNOW how awesome our videos were back in my day. And looking over this list of the 2009 nominees, why would they? But hey, it’s a thing. A thing that happens. Annually even! So it is obviously important and necessary. Much like me live-blogging it. So you don’t have to! Let’s dive in.
… But not yet. I can’t bother with this pre-show noise because the second I turned it on, my head was filled with scary questions. Why is the Phantom of the Opera here? Why is he a chick? What’s he doing with Kermit the Frog and why does Kermit sound like that? Why is everyone getting all child molestery all over this Taylor Lautner character? What’s a Justin Beiber and why is he nine years old? Why’s he with Diddy? Is he still called Diddy even? WHAT IS HAPPENING? So I muted the TV and finished the new This American Life. Then I made Pizza Rolls and then it was time.
7:57 – Tail end of the pre-show. The Beastie Boys win a “Best Video That Should Have Won A Moonman.” This does two things: points out how much awesomer videos were in my day [adjusts dentures, Depends] and causes me to hit Wiki because I have been convinced for years that it did in fact have many Moonmen.
8:00 – It starts! Madonna emerges looking ever so Jocelyn Wildenstein-ian. Oh but I can’t make fun of her, she’s talking about Michael Jackson. She’s talking about Michael Jackson and making it literally all about her. “Michael Jackson was born in 1958. So was I.” But then it gets very sweet and sad and I can’t make fun of it.
8:02 – Pete Wentz has his head bowed in prayer-y silence. I feel bad that this makes me laugh.
8:04 – I can’t make fun of dead people, people. Where is a Twilight person I can laugh at?
8:05 – The touching tribute is slightly interrupted when the camera pans to Lady Gaga dressed as the Phantom of the Opera’s fancy gay Victorian-era brother.
8:07 – Old timey ’80s MTV bumper. Serving to remind all of us that MTV played music videos at one time. /hacky comedian
8:07 – OOH, DANCING. Fun Courtney fact: I can do the whole Thriller dance. And I will if you give me at least four vodka-based drinks. I’m really pleased they don’t have anyone singing his songs. So far. I’m not sure what they have in store, but so far it’s just the dancing and pretty lights. Shamon!
8:11 – It’s Janet, bitches! Singing and dancing to “Scream,” one of my top three favorite MJ tunes, Natalie and Nat Cole style. Although this would be way better if Janet was in one of her for-publicity fat periods.
8:13 – Oh, joy and grandeur, it’s Katy Perry singing “We Will Rock You”, and yes I’m joking, dressed in one of her more understated numbers, and no I’m not joking. Joe Perry’s on guitar. They’re not related, right?
8:15 – Yusss, it’s Russell time. I don’t mean to be indelicate, but I’d let him wear me like that poncy top hat he’s sporting.
8:17 – Kanye got his hair did like a corn maze. I do hope it’s the Team Edward/Team Jacob corn maze.
8:18 – I do not believe that Lady Gaga is a herm. I also don’t believe that Jamie Lee Curtis is a herm. Just wanted to get that out there and I knew I didn’t have a thousand words on it so I’d never brought it up before. On with your day now.
8:19 – Ooh, best female video. BRITNEY FTW. It’s being presented by Sharkira and the aforementioned Taylor Lautner gentleman. Okay, people who get all horny about him, HE IS SIXTEEN. Sixteen and owned by Summit. They made him dump Selena Gomez. True story. Can you tell I get bored by presenters?
8:24 – Okay, apparently Britney’s not nominated. BULLSHIT. The award goes to Taylor Swift. Everyone on stage is now named Taylor (Shakira is Colombian for “Taylor”). I think she seems like a precious puddle of sweet, so I’ll allow it.
8:25 – OH SHIT, KANYE JUST STORMED THE STAGE AND DECRIED TAY SWIF IN FAVOR OF BEYONCE! (I must talk in caps due to the Kanyeness.) KANYAKWARD! Poor little girl looked like she was going to cry. Aw. I’m just sad for her now. KANYE WEST DOESN’T CARE ABOUT WHITE COUNTRY SINGERS.
8:27 – Full disclosure, I kind of hope he does that for every award. Even next week at the Emmys.
8:33 – Russell Brand = voice of reason. And his hair doesn’t look wholly dissimilar to Taylor Swift’s, which must be why he feels for her so deeply.
8:34 – Fancy new presenters for Best Group Video – Jack Black and Blair Waldorf (because her real name is too hard to spell). Blair’s dress is my favorite of the night, and I really want to play Jable’s new video game. I need more Pizza Rolls. My pick for this category is Coldplay or Kings of Leon, because I don’t cut myself to feel so I have no need for Paramore, and the Green Day song kind of sucks. I miss the Dookie days.
8:36 – Green Day wins. I suck at this. Billie Joe tells MTV to play more videos. LISTEN TO THE MAN WHO USED TO HAVE BLUE HAIR, MTV.
8:37 – New presenters – that tiny Justin Beiber child and OMG OMG iCARLY!!!! I love that show far more than is necessary or appropriate. Oh and they’re presenting T-Swift. Purportedly she’s live at the 42nd Street station, but I bet this is pre-taped because the poor child is obviously still crying backstage.
8:44 – I get on LemonCord (no one will crack my cunning code) and download that song. I now officially love Taylor Swift, bless her insulted-by-crazy-person-but-ultra-professional heart.
8:46 – I can no longer tolerate these Fame ads. If I hear that “a casting director saw me on YouTube!” line one more time, I will kill a baby.
8:47 – Why is Pete Wentz the famous one in Fall Out Boy? He’s the goddamn bass player. You never see Adam Clayton in the tabloids or presenting awards.
8:49 – I’d make fun of Lady Gaga and her outfits and such, but it just feels lazy to do twice. Plus I basically love her and I LOVE this song. But I will say that this number is really boring. Basically a mildly more interesting Eyes Wide Shut.
8:52 – O-okay, now there’s blood. And crying. I did think things was awfully tame. I probably should have seen that coming.
8:54 – New Hills spot with Kristin Cavalleri looking vacant and bland, surrounded by sparkly lights. That kind of dull takes talent. Fun trivia bit: when she lived in Barrington, IL, she stalked the guy I dated in college. True story.
8:58 – I need more Pizza Rolls immédiatement.
9:00 – HOLY FUCKING SHIT, Lady GaGa has changed into some full body face covering red number complete with crown. This will fill my nightmares tonight.
9:02 – Boring people present Best Pop Video. An hour in and we’re on the third award. I give it to BRITNEY. She needs to win one. This doesn’t bode well as I don’t think she’s there.
9:04 – I WIN! YAY BRIT!
9:05 – Drool, Adam Brody is presenting with that Megan Fox person whose face I want to punch. Out of the way, skank, Seth Cohen’s busy. They present Green Day. I have nothing to say. I’m thirsty.
9:10 – VO lady asks: “How sizzling is Kristen Stewart’s chemistry with Robert Pattinson?” Is “chemistry” what we’re calling it? I thought it was more like “awkward staring with script-implied affection.”
9:16 – And the squeals of the 13-year-olds / 39-year-olds were heard all over. That’s right – Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson present the new trailer for New Moon. Apparently they got a better budget and now they can afford vampiric contacts. Other than that, this movie looks too abysmal to even make fun of.
9:19 – More boring people I don’t care about. Why can’t RuPaul and Milton Berle present, Weekend At Bernie’s-style?
9:20 – Beyonce is standing inside of a green screensaver and humping the air while wearing Montalban’s Kahn chest prosthetic. That’s really all I got. I’m this close to switching to Nancy Grace and shitcanning this whole article.
9:30 – Meadow Soprano and Diddy present Best Male Video and mention Kanye and the whole crowd booos. Love it. I really hope Eminem doesn’t win, as that video is basically Meet the Spartans and that shit must be stopped. TI wins and Diddy says he misses him. Did he die? [runs to Wiki] Oh snap, he’s in jail. I obviously don’t know the rap music the kids seem to like.
9:35 – Yay for Muse and all, but their association with Twilight bums me.
9:39 – Didn’t there used to be a whole lot more awards? Probably because there were more videos, but I’m pretty sure there’s only five awards. Like at all.
9:46 – Jennifer Lopez is wearing a pillowcase with velour sleeves. This looks about as good as you’d imagine. She’s presenting hip-hop video, and I vote Jay-Z because of my street cred and all.
9:49 – Um, that Eminem Epic Movie video won. That’s annoying. He’s really skinny now and is thanking his daughters because he apparently has multiple daughters. When did the other one happen? Is it new, or has he always had two, but only one he ever felt like talking about?
9:57 – Best New Artist presented by Tracy Morgan and Eminem. Possibly the only presenters that we’ve given a shit about for longer than two years. One of the nominees is this Asher Roth character and his song “I Love College” which I heard for the first time yesterday. Question: is it supposed to be ironic or in anyway humorous, or is it just a douche anthem? No time to find out because GaGa won! Close up of her terrifying red outfit. Future nightmares just grew stronger and more graphic.
10:00 – I think now’s as good a time as any to talk about my love for Pink, which is deep and ceaseless. I love her loads and lots.
10:02 – This is some Circus of the Stars shit right here. She’s trapeze-ing like a pro. In a heart-shaped nipple pastie and everything. Seriously, can you sing and trapeze like a champ at the same time? I didn’t think so. Pink can. Eat it. Seriously, one of the best VMA performances ever.
10:11 – Video of the Year, already? Is it the last award? There’s seriously only seven awards. I thought I was joking before and apparently I wasn’t. Beyonce wins and is giving the moment to Taylor Swift and my heart has never been so warmed. Aw and stuff. But what I’m really focused on is that Lady GaGa’s latest costume change in the audience is apparently that of the abominable snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Bumbles bounce, you guys.
Well there’s a Jay-Z performance coming up, but truth be told, I’m now completely numb to live performances that don’t involve trapezes. So I hope I painted you a proper word picture and showed why this is the most necessary award show since the Cable Ace.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.