Earlier this week, realizing the young starlet was in grave danger, fellow HoboTrashcan writer Courtney Enlow bravely staged an intervention for Lindsay Lohan.
I have to say I was inspired by Courtney. I’ve watched quite a bit of Intervention on A&E, so I know how badly those things can turn out. But when you see someone throwing their life away – even if that person is a celebrity you’ve never met – you have to take action. You have to do what’s right.
That’s why I’m staging my own intervention today – for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
It’s no secret that I am a pro wrestling fan. These days, I hardly watch WWE programming anymore, but I still have a soft spot for the business. And whether we are talking about Jesse Ventura being elected Governor of Minnesota or The Wrestler being an Academy Award contender, I am always pleased when wrestling finds mainstream success. That’s why I was so happy when The Scorpion King took off in 2002, officially launching The Rock’s movie career.
He followed that film up with two action films – The Rundown and Walking Tall. Both movies offered a few solid action scenes which showcased The Rock’s athleticism and paired him with a wisecracking sidekick (Stifler and Johnny Knoxville, respectively) to showcase his comedic talent. Neither one of these films are the next Die Hard or anything, but if you stumble across one of them on TNT, there are certainly worse ways to spend an afternoon.
Johnson’s next film was Be Cool, the underrated sequel to Get Shorty. The Rock played a gay Samoan bodyguard/aspiring actor named Eliott. He was great in the role and it showed his versatility. He proved that he was more than just an action star. It was a great career move.
Unfortunately, from there things started to go downhill. His next movie was Doom, a videogame adaptation that was so bad that I almost walked out of the theater while watching it. His next two films were Richard Kelly’s Southland Tales, which flopped, and Gridiron Gang, a paint-by-numbers sports movie.
Obviously, things were starting to take a turn for the worst, but it wasn’t officially time to panic until 2007, when the Disney movie The Game Plan came out. In the film, Johnson plays a star quarterback who discovers he has a daughter. Because I have standards, I’ve never seen this movie, but the trailer featured a dog in a tutu, The Rock covered in bubble bath and the (please note that I am doing finger quotes as I type the next word) ‘hilarious’ “I’m allergic to cinnamon” line. There is also a horribly forced sports-themed line (most likely written by someone who has never played or see a sporting event in their life) about how The Rock’s character is “new to the dad team,” but the less said about that line, the better.
Things looked better in 2008 when Get Smart came out, although that movie wasn’t without red flags. It was a pointless remake and it starred Steve Carell, who knows a thing or two about bad career choices (Evan Almighty, anyone?). But Maxwell Smart was a great role for Carell and the movie ended up being surprisingly entertaining. Anne Hathaway was gorgeous and charming in her lead role and The Rock did a great job as the overachieving Agent 23.
So if The Game Plan was the week-long coke bender that caused The Rock to reevaluate things and make a few changes in his life, Get Smart was his first trip to rehab. And just as we were all starting to feel comfortable enough around him again to stop locking up our expensive jewelry and silverware every time he came to visit, he relapsed again this year with another Disney film, Race to Witch Mountain.
Sobriety is tough. A backslide is often inevitable, especially when Disney goes waving those fat paychecks around. I would almost be willing to look the other way on the whole Witch Mountain thing, if not for Johnson’s latest project – The Tooth Fairy.
Seriously, go take a minute to watch that trailer. No really, I’ll wait …
Okay, now that we are all up to speed, let’s discuss a few things. First of all, whoever wrote the lines “It’s like your brain is in the penalty box,” and “You can’t handle the tooth!” should be beaten to death on principal. Second of all, seeing The Rock in full hockey pads, with tooth fairy wings sticking out the back and his hands resting sassily on hips, honestly made me die a little inside. Even seeing Hulk Hogan in Mr. Nanny wasn’t this depressing.
It’s officially time to panic.
This intervention is a must because we need to save his career before it’s too late. You might think I’m overreacting, but let’s be honest, even this lady made better choices than The Rock the last few years.
It’s time for you to handle the tooth … er, I mean, the truth, Rock. It’s time for you to reevaluate things. No more Disney movies. No more video game films or movies set in alternate universes.
It’s time for you to return to what made you. The next character you play better be a badass of some sort – a former spy or Navy SEAL, one that thought he had left that old life behind until they pushed him too far. His beautiful, innocent new wife (who is unaware of his violent past) better be in grave danger. He better have a wacky sidekick. And damn it, if the local law enforcement doesn’t tell him to stay out of their way while they handle things, I’m gonna start cracking skulls. If there are less than 10 explosions in your next film, people will lose jobs. And if Michael Bay himself isn’t jealous at the level of gratuitous violence and quick cuts, I will personally burn the movie studio responsible to the ground.
You need to do this Rock, for your own good. We love you too much to see you head down this dark path. If you don’t get help now, your career is going to die. So please, do this now, before it’s too late.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.