As I write this, I am currently barricaded inside my home, chomping on a cigar, eating a juicy steak and downing a fifth of Jameson. I have been locked in here since Friday, passing the time by alternating between Jason Statham movies and episodes of Dirty Jobs. I fear that I may never leave here again. The streets are no longer safe.
You see, my friends, it’s finally happened … women have gotten too much power.
Guys, we knew this was coming for years. There were signs – all the jokes about married guys with controlling wives, Fight Club’s theme of men raised by women struggling with their masculinity, the increased popularity of roller derby – but we were too busy being forced to take salsa dancing classes and go apple picking to notice. We waited too long and now it’s officially too late.
Things reached a tipping point this weekend when Twilight: New Moon had the third-largest opening in box office history, making $140.7 million in three days. It even set a new opening day record, earning $72.7 million, which surpassed The Dark Knight’s $67.2 million one-day total. That’s right, we are now officially living in a world where sparkly vampires can claim a victory over Batman.
Not surprisingly, the audience was 80 percent female. Still gentlemen, I think it’s only right that we take a moment here to honor our fallen brethren who made up that other 20 percent. Those poor bastards may have sacrificed everything for a chance to score with a lonely goth chick, but still, they fought the good fight. That being said, if reports get back that any of these men were sporting either a Team Edward or Team Jacob t-shirt in the theater, we will, of course, disown them.
Still, Twilight’s success alone isn’t what has me barricaded in my house. No, this is much bigger than that. Movies like Twilight are easy enough to avoid. They are easy to spot. But something sinister happened this weekend. Guys who went to the movies with their lady friends and wisely chose the new football movie over the teen vampire saga found themselves in another Jerry MaGuire situation. That’s right, women are once again infiltrating our sports movies. And this time, they sent one of their top agents – Sandra Bullock.
The Blind Side, an inspirational football film based on the touching true story of Michael Oher, actually stars Sandra Bullock. Yes, that Sandra Bullock – the one who starred in All About Steve, The Lake House and Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. The Blind Side made $34.5 million this weekend, earning it second place. And the audience for that film was about 59 percent female.
So women are already going after the box office records set by The Dark Knight and Spider-man 3 and they are taking over our sports movies. But I fear this is only the beginning. Now that they have gotten a taste of power, we don’t really stand a chance.
Their power will continue to grow tonight as we all witness the end of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Or, to put it more accurately – the end of Jon. Sure, Jon Gosselin is doing all he can to keep Kate Plus 8 from happening, but eventually TLC will find a way to move forward with the show. Before long, Jon will be nothing more than a distant memory. His story will be replaced by Kate Gosselin, single mother with a dumb haircut who struggles to raise eight children on her own (with the help of a team full of nannies, personal assistants and pool boys, all paid for with with the fat paycheck she received from TLC).
Now some of you might say that Jon Gosselin deserved what he got. You would, of course, be right. He is an unlikable douche who should be forced to wear that mask full of bees that they put on Nicolas Cage at the end of The Wicker Man. Watching him suffer would normally give me great joy, but I see the bigger picture. He has weakened our cause. He has shown that we are all expendable.
Women have now taken over film and television. It’s only a matter of time before they rise up and officially take over the world. The revolution is coming and it will happen on September 9, 2011 – Oprah’s last day on the air.
Sure, Oprah can claim that she is stepping down from her popular daytime talk show to focus on a new cable network, but I know the truth. She has spent the last 23 years building an army of loyal soldiers, hiding subliminal messages inside her book club selections. There is no question that Oprah is the most powerful woman on the planet and in 2011, she is claiming her rightful throne … and no man will be safe.
That’s why, if you need me, I’ll be ordering some chicken wings and watching Death Race in my fortified bunker. You can either join me or join Team Edward. The choice is yours.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at email@example.com.