And no one’s more shocked than I am.
I am at a crisis crossroads junction type of some such thing. Because my general air of constant displeasure is what keeps my hundred fans coming to this page. And now that I sit here, at worst unsurprised and at best fairly pleased, I have nothing to talk about.
I don’t know that you guys know the urgency here. Oscar-nom day is usually my angry Christmas. The only anger I can muster is that Google Docs insists on opening three tabs before I can get to my damn edit page. Seriously, I thought this was finally going to be the week I had no choice but to unveil my religion centered around Lady Gaga. But we’ll hold that off for another completely block-stricken week. Because I owe it to you good people to manufacture some kind of opinion.
So let’s talk nominees.
The Blind Side
The Hurt Locker
Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
A Serious Man
Up in the Air
With the exception of The Blind Side, which I genuinely did not see coming, this is a great list. Now, I didn’t see Blind Side for reasons I’ve spoken of elsewhere, mainly that I cannot watch heartstring-tugging movies. This is a new phenomenon. Seriously, I can’t even watch Harvey anymore – I tried and started crying twenty minutes in. They were so mean to him, guys. BUT ANYWAY, was TBS any good? It seemed pretty generic white-lady-saves-the-day kind of fare. I love Sandy B. more than life itself and I will vouch for that until my grave-day, but really? In a year with ten slots? This movie? Where was Moon? Where was Star Trek? WHERE IN GOD’S NAME WAS DRAG ME TO HELL? Seriously, that movie at least deserves a prize for Outstanding Achievement in Dead Lady Vomit.
I cannot be too rage-y though, because the presence of District 9 brings me such joy. I thought it would go ignored and I was wrong. So a big yayzors for that.
My prediction: Up in the Air comes from behind to win it. (Bonus predicition: If Avatar wins, I will scream out in a guttural manner that scares the neighbors.)
Actor in a Leading Role
Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart
George Clooney in Up in the Air
Colin Firth in A Single Man
Morgan Freeman in Invictus
Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker
Actress in a Leading Role
Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Helen Mirren in The Last Station
Carey Mulligan in An Education
Gabourey Sidibe in Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
Meryl Streep in Julie & Julia
Actor in a Supporting Role
Matt Damon in Invictus
Woody Harrelson in The Messenger
Christopher Plummer in The Last Station
Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds
Actress in a Supporting Role
Penélope Cruz in Nine
Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air
Mo’Nique in Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
Pleasing things: Yays for Jeremy Renner, Gabby Sidibe, Carey Mulligan a.k.a. Sally Sparrow from Doctor Who, Helen Mirren who is always welcome at my Oscar table (read: my couch – I’ll buy an extra bottle of Yellow Tail for you, Helz), Woody Harrelson and my girlcrush for life, Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Displeasing things: Um, nothing. Have you not been following along here? I guess Penny for Nine, but Oscar people love their damn musicals, even if no one else does.
My prediction: That if I hadn’t been copying and pasting, I NEVER would have messed with the full title for Precious all those times.
My other predictions: Jeff Bridges; Gabourey Sidibe, who shocks everyone by shutting out the Bullock, with no one happier for her than Sandra; Christoph Waltz; and while I wouldn’t bet against her, Mo’Nique did say she didn’t care about the Oscar, which may have pissed off the Oscar voters, so I’ll go with my Maggie.
Best Director will be Kathryn Bigelow, so let’s not even bother with that mess. And she will mostly win as a belated award for being so egregiously ignored in 1991 for Point Break. Little hand says it’s time for Bigelow to rock ‘n roll, Oscar-style.
So now let us all say a prayer to our lord and savior that Avatar does not win.
Oh, our Gaga, who art in Brooklyn, hallowed be thy name. Our Lady of Perpetual Gaga, we ask of you, born of The Madonna with a mild dash of the Elton, that you watch over us on Oscar day, March 7 – which I will liveblog so totally tune in you guys, ‘kay? – that the freckled blue cat people and their false King of the World idol do not win. In your name, we pray. Rah rah ah ah ah ah, roma ro ma ma, ga ga oh la la.
Thank be to Ga.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.