February 14 is a magical day in which we honor a saint about whom nothing is known, including the possible plurality of his identity, except his name and burial site. Its origins exist in the lovely and probably smelly concept of courtly love. It is now known for red and pink be-foiled chocolates, four dollar greeting cards, bouquets of roses from potential keepers, bouquets of carnations from the cheapass you’ll dump soon and a general sense of bitter malaise among your single friends.
Ah Valentine’s Day. You are a gem.
Look, my lovelies, sure a yearly reminder of the society-endorsed love you’ve yet to find can suck. But you cannot let it ruin a a poor random day. February 14th never did anything to you.
What I’m saying is, you can’t be that guy/girl.
In high school and college, I had two separate friends who told me that they’d invented the term “Single Awareness Day.” Now, both of these girls were crazy because this is a well-known term describing V-Day. Plus they were both actually insane, and I’m pretty sure one of them stole a pair of my underwear and kept it in a voodoo box, but that’s beside the point. The point is this: everyone in a certain tick-box (the single one, specifically) feels that they have some ownership over the negative side of Valentine’s Day. And they just don’t.
Look, I’m not saying it doesn’t suck to be single on a day when Kay Jewelers commercials and Ferrero Rocher boxes fill your entire world. But it’s just a day. And it’s a day that isn’t really that huge a deal to 90 percent of the people who celebrate it.
The other ten percent, you’re asking? I’ll break it down for you. You have your high schoolers, your virgins, your sad people and your actually sweet people.
The high schoolers, tragically mislead by teen-friendly programming at a young age, believe that Valentine’s Day is really truly super important. They will wait all day for a note stuffed in a locker or a flower sent to them in class. When you don’t get that $1 carnation, that actually hurts. Those February days in high school spent watching girls around me get flowers and me not get any, well, that’s enough to make me thicken my eyeliner and get my ears pierced nine times, but I already did that and it didn’t get me anywhere. The best thing I can say to these precious children is that, I promise, it gets better.
Obviously there’s some overlap here, but I’m referring mostly to the college-aged kids. The ones getting married at 18 because Jesus wants their genitals intact for all the breeding. Those people care about this shit because they have nothing else. They will become a Duggar and their hair will be bad and everyone will feel sorry for them.
Sad people make me rage. I don’t mean the sad cat ladies of Twilight forums. I mean sad in that “Dear God, what have we as a society done to create these disaster people?” kind of way. These are the girls who demand shiny baubles just because it’s February 14th. Who force their significant others to take them to the most expensive restaurant in town. Who will inevitably be disappointed because he didn’t show up to get her riding a white horse while shirtless, which is totally understandable because it’s cold and a shirt is really necessary. I dislike these girls strongly. Sorry, gents. The non-sads know you have it tough right around now.
Actually Sweet People
The thing that separates actual sweet people from the rest is that it’s not necessarily something they do every year, and it’s not forced on either side. Maybe they’re busy because of work or kids or something, but they use this day to actually show each other that they love one another and want to do something nice. These people are precious. Unfortunately, they’re the smallest fraction, and even more unfortunately, these people are the reason the sullen singles hate this day so much.
To my friends who don’t have a someone to buy them candy and flowers this holiday, may this day become a blessed occasion of friends, fun and booze. Just … lots of booze. And if you need a bit more, oh you know I have you covered, my little lamb blankets.
The top five movies to watch on Valentine’s Day if you’re single
5. Less Than Zero
Love is a sea of betrayal and greed and cocaine and just seems really expensive and bad for your nose. Plus once you realize your hair will never be as luscious as Andrew McCarthy’s or Jamie Gertz’s, you’ll realize why you’re alone and get thee to the Aqua Net.
4. Casanova (the one starring David Tennant)
Ladies, your desire for every other man on the planet will completely disintegrate. Gentlemen, you will realize why you’re single. Because this piece is out there roaming around.
See, when you love someone, they will murder your friends and dog and try to kill your dad. That’s what I took from this. So it’s best that you’re single.
2. Fatal Attraction
Dude, can we just get rid of all the pretense and “Oh that bitch was crazy” rhetoric and be real here? Because Michael Douglas had it so coming. Seriously. Don’t be a cheating asshole, and maybe then we won’t be forced to kill your rodents. So, guys, if you’re single, this is a nice reminder of what you’re missing. Because we are all of us Team Glenn.
1. The Crush
The Crush has everything. Hot Cary Elwes when he was still more Westley and less Brando. (Seriously, don’t Google modern pictures. It will just hurt you.) Alicia Silverstone being just rockshit insane. Lemons being slaughtered with reckless abandon. Nothing will get our your V-Day rage quite like this movie. Please note: This movie is also helpful to watch any other day of the year. It just makes life happier.
Enjoy, my lovelies. And whatever you do, don’t go see the movie Valentine’s Day. It will give you brain ebola.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.