There are certain things in this glorious world that I love more than life itself. My family. My friends. Anthropologie. Puppies. Blueberry pie. Lip balm. My penguin-shaped humidifier, Emperor Cupcake. Lots of things. But, above all else, I love one thing: completely bumblefuck crazy people.
Tila Tequila, nee Tila Nguyen, was born in Singapore. Instead of becoming a strong, intelligent woman, she instead chose to embrace offensive stereotypes and design her entire life around the concept of “sucky sucky fi’ dollah.”
She started as a Playboy “model” (online only, which is akin to calling yourself a banking executive because you pay your Comcast bill on the web) and then a MySpace person and then an MTV reality show person. I genuinely don’t know how to explain her career beyond those terms. I never watched A Shot At Love and I was too busy using MySpace to spark a love affair with Michael Showalter (still pending) to really know what else was going on in that wacky world. So I know Tila Tequila the same way many of you do: as one of those stranger unimportant people who somehow manage to keep showing up on enough websites to ensure that we know their names but have no idea why.
But one thing makes Tila Tequila special, so so special, and that is this: her unwavering commitment to being nuttier than a Payday bar.
First thing’s first – go here.
Do it and don’t look back. Except do look back to come back here and read the rest of this. If you can’t be bothered to click that link because you’re afraid of web-airborne skank AIDS, and I can’t blame you, let me summarize.
My weird fascination with this crazed slutty Gollum began when she started (allegedly) telling giant whorish lies that she was carrying her brother’s baby and engaged to heiress and now-deceased trainwreck Casey Johnson. That is roughly around the time I began following her on Twitter.
I follow two people on Twitter for the schadenfraudey lulz: Tila, and Lindsay Lohan. Crack is a hell of a drug, and Twitter seems to be where they tweak out.
Is tweaking only for meth? I don’t know drugs. But they’re probably on that too.
ANYWAY, for those of you unfamiliar with her style of Tweeting, let me give you this informative presentation/PSA about narcotics.
So that’s not at all crazy or anything.
Shortly after Casey Johnson passed away, Tila wrote about 1,000 Tweets about how she wanted to kill herself to be with Casey and how they were both actual literal angels who were being punished because angels are not supposed to fall in love and stuff like that. Then she decided that she had become pregnant and the father was a) a bodyguard, b) rapper The Game, c) some Ambassador (I may be wrong – it’s real real hard trying to decipher Tila-speak), d) Alf. I may have made up the last one. Or maybe I didn’t. Seriously, it would be no less crazy than any of hers.
As any crazy person knows, if you’re going to create a fake pregnancy, eventually, you’re going to have to terminate said fake pregnancy, preferably in the most attention-getting way possible. She starts with a concussion …
Intriguing how her “agent” types the exact same way she does. Once her brain’s all unscrambled, back to the whoring!
But then, something goes awry …
Honestly, this would be tragic if it weren’t so unspeakably fake. This clinches it. Because immediately after posting all this, this happens:
Well that was fast.
Look, she’s batballs unsafe nutso goofy insane crazycakes. But as far as I’m concerned, as long as she doesn’t actually harm herself or anyone else, I’m totally okay with all of this.
You’re most likely saying, “Courtney, you awful person. This woman is obviously unsound and needs help.” And that’s very true. But at least it’s entertaining.
This could easily be the most callous thing I ever write so let me get it all out at once. Every single reality star and fake celebrity in this world? They’re all completely unwell. You line up Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag, Kim Kardashian, a Duggar and Kate Gosselin and do a bunch of psych evals on them, and what are you going to find out? That each and every one of them is completely narcissistic, sociopathic, painfully insecure, unable to hold any interpersonal relationship and any other number of other issues and problems. That’s why they got into reality television.
No one does it for the money. No one does it for the fun. They all, each and every one, do it for the fame. And the kind of people who want to be famous are already sick. There are people in this world who want to be actors and models and singers, and that’s all well and good, but the people who want to be famous? Those are the ones you need to watch out for, because they’re crazy. And if our entertainment world is capitalizing on crazy people and forcing it down our throats as though these people have done anything that required skill in any way, then we might as well get to enjoy the show they’re putting on.
The Kardashians are painfully dull and vapid with nothing to offer up besides delusional notions of beauty and personality. The Gosselins completely destroyed their children and only time will tell how horrible those kids will turn out. VH1 contestants just keep murdering people, so that’s no good. None of that is enjoyable. Tila Tequila, on the other hand, is enjoyable.
She’s giving us a proper soap opera, all from the comfort of our laptop. She’s not famous enough to be in magazines, so we avoid her unless we seek her out really. But once we find her, oh the joy that comes with.
Maybe it’s awful that I’m quite possibly sitting and enjoying the complete crumbling of a human being, but people did it with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, and we did that. We helped to ruin them. Tila came to us pre-ruined. So it’s pretty guilt free.
It’s possible that I’m becoming truly evil with the admission of all of the above. But maybe if a Kardashian introduced a fake Russian baby, I’d watch their show.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.