Joel Murphy

I wish I could say I was surprised to learn that bored teens are dousing their forearms with Axe body spray, igniting it and then gleefully posting these videos on YouTube.

But sadly, it doesn’t really surprise me. Honestly, when I first heard about this new trend, I just sort of shrugged and said to myself, “That sounds about right.” Then, as I always do when having these types of conversations with myself, I feigned disapproval at my callousness with a playful, “Oh Joel, you incorrigible, handsome devil, you.” (Side note: I need to get out more.)

But I digress …

Of course Axe body spray users are lighting themselves on fire. Why wouldn’t they?

Teenage boys are inherently stupid to begin with. I knew kids who would spray hairspray around their bathroom sink and then drop a match on it to watch a flame shoot up. Friends of mine got drunk at a party once and started shooting propane tanks with guns so that they could film the resulting explosions. My best friend jumped through a flaming table in moment of “Don’t try this at home” pro wrestling mimicry. Young men are idiots to begin with. And they like fire.

But the difference between your average kid and your average Axe user is that most teenagers are at least trying not to get hurt. Teens tend to assume they are invincible, but there was always an illusion of safety to my friends’ exploits, some sort of bare-minimum precautions taken in an attempt not to be injured. These Axe users though are lighting THEIR OWN ARMS on fire. Seriously, unless you are making a bold statement about the persecution of monks in your hometown, there is really no reason to light yourself on fire. It’s not going to end well. If you believe otherwise, you are an idiot.

And, let’s be honest here –Axe body spray users are idiots.

That sounds harsh, I know. And typically, I’m not in the habit of rushing to judgment or making blanket statements about groups of people. However, I think it’s pretty safe to say that there aren’t a ton of Mensa members using Axe.

If you don’t believe me, just watch their commercials. The ads for Axe imply that if you use their product, women will become so overwhelmed with desire for you that they will tackle you right there in the street and have sex with you. And not just any girls. Not those rough-looking skanks that show up on Rock of Love or in Tiger Woods’ bedroom. I’m talking about attractive girls. Even intellectual ones (you can pick out the smart ones because they are wearing glasses). These are strong, independent, classy women with high paying jobs on their way to discuss Proust at their weekly book club. Then the scent of your body spray wafts into their nostrils as you strut by and suddenly they lose all inhibitions. One little spritz and – BAM! – instant orgy. The commercials make it clear – spraying yourself with Axe is a license to bang.

And those are just the commercials that make sense. There is a whole different ad campaign where a guy sprays himself with Axe Chocolate and suddenly morphs into some sort of terrifying, dead-eyed chocolate golem who is ripped to shreds and eaten by hot chicks. The whole time these women are tearing him apart, he keeps the same docile look on his face as he continues his stroll down the boulevard. I’m guessing this idea must be appealing to someone … I just hope I never, ever meet that person.

So yes, of course this is the same demographic that would want to light themselves on fire because they think it would make a “cool” video. And call me heartless if you must, but is it really such a bad thing to let them do this? I’m pretty sure this is how Darwinism works.

And I don’t think I’m alone in thinking this. It’s clear these newscasters at KTLA in Los Angeles are also encouraging Axe users to keep lighting themselves on fire. Sure, they use their sad, disapproving newscaster voices to make it seem like they think this is a bad thing, but I can read between the lines. First of all, they explain exactly how to do it. Then, throughout the story, they continually show the YouTube clips, essentially validating the kids who have already done it. The message is clear – light yourself on fire and you can be on TV too. At the end of the story, the correspondent even mentions the fact that Axe body spray is “readily available for six bucks” at local stores. She might as well have listed which aisle you can find it in.

Of course, the people who make Axe are doing all it can to discourage this. You can see their solution in the above clip. A beautiful girl sprays down a guy with a fire extinguisher, followed by the tag line: “Lighting Axe on fire can kill your game. And you.” But of course Axe has to try to stop this. They need to protect their bottom line.

The rest of us have no such obligation. I’m not saying we should encourage it like those heartless newscaster. But could turning a blind eye to it really be so bad? Sure, they are only teenagers, but someday they will grow up and become douchey, unstoppable dead-eyed chocolate monsters. So let them wipe themselves out now … before it’s too late.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Aaron R. Davis

Yes, neighbor. I hear you over there, with your impossibly loud bass. I hear it loud and clear, through my bedroom wall. So what if it’s 2:30 in the morning? You’re cool, and when you’re cool, the rules don’t apply. So I’ll just lay here and feel the bass rumble from your apartment to mine and up into my chest and vibrate along with your coolness because, hey, when you’re cool, the rest of the world doesn’t matter.

I mean, that’s supposed to be my reaction, right?

I heard you earlier today when I was trying to watch TV, driving slowly into the parking lot with rap music playing so loudly from inside your car that I could clearly hear every word. That doesn’t ruin the mood of The Pacific at all. I’m sure Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg really wanted to include some gangsta rap on the soundtrack, but just didn’t have the courage to do so because it didn’t exist at the time. But you, neighbor … well, you’re cool and fascinating, and the whole world needs to stop and take notice of it.

Am I getting my intended reaction right?

Is this the kind of thing you want me to be thinking as you sit there for an extra minute, letting your music blast on and on before you shut off the car and go inside, secure in the knowledge that you’ve announced once again to the world that you’re just too awesome to be considerate of other people?

I know how you are, having lived next door to you for a couple of months.

I hear you and your friends, the ones who desperately want to be in a fraternity but obviously couldn’t get into one since you live here in an apartment complex and not over on Greek Row with your fellow Jersey Shore fans, making all of that noise. I hear it all the time. I know you are completely unashamed to let everyone know about your shitty, obvious taste in music. I know every single thing that ever happens is worth a loud “woooo!” or at least a laugh so obnoxious that goats and mules in this farm town cover their ears out of embarrassment.

Am I supposed to hear all that and think “Wow, those guys sound awesome” or maybe even look at my own life and just sort of weep to not be in such an environment? I’m just not sure exactly how I’m supposed to react.

And, really, I’m supposed to have some sort of a reaction to it, right? Otherwise, why try so hard? Why be so flamboyant with it if you didn’t want me to think something?

I mean, you’re the one living an over the top drag show of frat boy masculinity for the benefit of other people, so please tell me, what’s going on there in your head?

What are you thinking that I’m thinking?

Are you thinking that I appreciate the persona? The trying too hard? The loud music when my wife and I are trying to sleep in anticipation of work the next morning? Do you think that when I’m trying to watch an emotionally complex film or have a conversation on the phone, what it really needs to complement it is the delicate work of Mr. Cheeks?

Seriously, this is the part that’s driving me mad. You need to tell me here. Quit being so ambiguous with your signals.

You’re the one doing the performance art; just tell me what I’m supposed to be getting out of it so that I can react appropriately and move on with my life.

Are you trying to communicate some social message about neighborliness and community and how easily such illusions can be shattered?

Are you making a point about young men and how such aggressive attempts at showy masculinity speak to a deep, yearning need for acceptance, and the irony that this sort of immaturity can only be accepted on its own terms by other scared young males?

Are you displaying for others simply because you have yet to evolve past your need for attention?

Are you trying to make us feel sorry for you because the only people who ever show up at your parties are jersey-sporting, backwards-hat-wearing, shitty-domestic-beer-swilling, plastic-cup-wielding, bad-rap-loving loser guys who never, ever, ever have any women with them when they arrive?

Or are you just trying to make us think we’re all missing out on something by not being a lazy, desperate college student who stays up all night partying? Because it’s not really something that you wake up when you’re 33 and lament that you didn’t have. Maybe because I have things that actually matter to show for it: a degree, a wife, a direction, hobbies and experience. In short: a life. Something you don’t have.

Well, maybe you can explain what your performance piece is all about to the police. And then again to the property managers, when they send you a warning letter with a fine for having the police called on you. I mean, it is 2:30 in the morning here, and you’re breaking a city ordinance by being so loud, and my wife at least has work tomorrow, so I don’t have the time or the inclination to put up with your bullshit.

For tonight, at least: performance closed.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

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Laura Harring does not fit into a neat little box. Best known for her lead role in Mulholland Drive, the charming actress is also a globetrotting former Miss USA and Countess von Bismarck. With such varied and rich life experience, it’s no wonder she possesses an eclectic vibe and natural charm that make her so captivating on screen.

Recently, she has surfaced on Gossip Girl as the estranged, assumed-dead mother of Chuck Bass. Like Harring herself, there is more Elizabeth Bass than meets the eye and tonight Harring promises the mystery surrounding her character will finally be solved.

We had a few brief moments this afternoon to talk to Harring about Gossip Girl, Mulholland Drive and Raul Julia’s influence on her career.

You were born in Mexico and moved to Texas when you were 10. What was that transition like for you and how do you think this upbringing influenced you when you became an actor?

I think traveling around and getting to see different cultures – after Texas, I went to Europe and I studied in school in Switzerland. Then, after that, I went to India and became a social worker. Traveling around Asia, backpacking around Europe, it does something to your idea of the world. It expands your view of people and cultures. It’s the best education, to travel. I think because of that I’m able to play a diversity of people, cultures and characters. At least more than half of the characters I play are mysterious characters from different countries.

When did you decide to get into acting? How did you make that decision?

Actually, the producers on a NBC four-hour special called The Alamo saw me when I was Miss USA and they called the Miss USA people to bring me in for an audition. I came in and I was very confident because I’d spent years as Miss Texas and as Miss USA traveling around, answering questions, speaking in public, TV shows, all that. And I went in very poised and I was the character that they wanted opposite Raul Julia, his young wife.

They hired me. I took it. It was a no-brainer. But I wasn’t passionate about it yet. It wasn’t until I saw Raul Julia in a scene where he was planning an attack, because he was President Santa Ana, and his voice was so resonant. He was breathing while they did his makeup; he was so focused on the role. And when they yelled “Action!” and he started speaking, it was just music to the ears. It was belted out like a bird singing and resonant and just powerful. I got goosebumps and there was such quiet on set, such respect for him. He just created an ambiance of magic and I remember being really impacted by that and seeing how he transformed into this world just pulled me in. I thought, “This is what I want to do.” That was it. I made that decision that day.

You could see that with Raul Julia with the presence he had on screen.

Isn’t it amazing how some people manage to have that charisma and that power? That’s one thing I really enjoyed about working with Ed Westwick is that he has a very mysterious, aloof quality that is from the old days – it’s from James Dean’s days – that young actors don’t have much anymore. I loved witnessing that. I thought it was so magnificent.

We’ve got to ask you about Mulholland Drive. People say that was a breakthrough role for you and we would imagine it’s probably what you gets recognized from the most. What was it like being a part of that film, which was originally meant to be a TV pilot?

Yeah, it was originally meant to be a TV pilot that would unravel the mystery of who this character is – my character, Rita. It was so funny because that was one of those miraculous recoveries. That TV [show] had been rejected by ABC. David [Lynch] kept saying it was dead in the water and I kept having feelings and dreams and all these strange premonitions. I said, “It’s not gone. I just have this feeling, David.” Sure enough, an old friend of David’s said, “I want to see it.”

David said, “No, it’s not finished.”

He didn’t want to show it, but he was like, “I want to see it.” So he saw the TV version and Pierre Edelman, that was his name, he fell in love with it and said, “Here, we’re going to give you” I don’t know how many more million to finish it and David wrote another 18 pages and then he recut it and he let Naomi [Watts] and I read it together. We couldn’t leave with a script, he made us read it right then and there. And we were both in awe. We had no idea what it meant. (Laughs.) And we worked on the movie knowing full well that he had a vision and a plan that we weren’t exactly sure how it was all going to unfold because he had it in his head.

That’s the mystery that I love about working in television also is that you just don’t know how the storyline is going to end up. They can tell you it’s going in one direction, then they have a meeting and they change it to a complete other direction. So you have to be very flexible and adaptable. And be in trust. You always have to be in trust that they know what they’re doing.

On Gossip Girl, I really felt that they did. I felt like they wrote my character really well and they kept the mystery. They really did. Nobody knew on set what was going to happen. Everybody was asking me. Tonight, people will know.

With Gossip Girl, like Mulholland Drive, do you get people on the street constantly trying to pry you for information?

(Laughs.) Yeah, you know when you work on television, sometimes the fans are very adoring. So if they don’t like what your character is doing or whatever – I remember working on Sunset Beach, they shook my shoulders and were like: “Why don’t you do something about that?” because I was such a good girl on Sunset Beach. They were upset that I wasn’t standing up for myself.

On Gossip Girl, people have come up to me and just told me that they really are enjoying watching me – that they love my character and that they think there is great chemistry between Chuck and I as potential family members. So they do talk to me but they’re not like shaking my shoulders like they were on the other show. And it doesn’t mean that they’re not adoring fans. There are so many adoring fans on Gossip Girl. I find that it’s got the same kind of intensity of loyalty that David Lynch fans have for David Lynch. Just that love, that bearing all love and adoration for the show.

What was it like coming into a show that was already established and had a younger cast? Was it welcoming on set right away?

Very welcoming. The first night “breaking of the ice” was a little difficult because they were running late. I think it was the last day of the episode and they were just running late. It was a new director and we had the graveyard scene and they brought me in at like five in the afternoon and I didn’t start working until 5 a.m., so 12 hours in a graveyard.

I did talk a bit to Ed and he was so nice. Then we did the scene. From the very beginning, there was just a familial kind of energy to it. When I actually started working on set and more in the city with Leighton [Meester] or whoever, they never made me feel like I was older. I definitely got taken in as if I was part of the gang, like a Gossip Girl not a Gossip Woman. And that was kind of nice. I really enjoyed that because that’s how I am in my life.

My friends are every age range and I feel like age is really irrelevant. It’s how old your spirit is or your soul is. I never felt like I was an outsider or that I was an “adult,” I always felt like I was part of the crew. I was very happy about that because it makes such a difference to your experience of filming especially on TV when they’re established and they’re a family and you come in and you’re the outsider. That was never the case in Gossip Girl and that’s why I think they’re so successful. That chemistry that you see on screen is definitely what I felt off-screen.

Do you think fans will be satisfied with the big reveal tonight? Will they see everything they’ve wanted to see?

(Laughs.) You are so funny. Yeah, I do. I think that people will be very, very happy. I was very happy with how it was written. It’s excellent writing. That’s all I have to say. They really did a great job with the arc and the character and portraying this story. You definitely have to watch tonight because tonight is the big night.

What’s next for you? Where can we see you after this?

After this, I’m actually writing something in Spanish. I speak Spanish fluently and I went to Argentina to work on something. Argentina has amazing filmmakers. They have the most amazing dark films. I’m doing an abstract film. I have 10 more scenes to finish it. Then I’m heading to Argentina and Brazil to start producing this movie, which I will actually star in also.

And I’m working with the David Lynch Foundation as a goodwill ambassador, so I’m meeting with David and the rumor is that he’s writing something. So we don’t know what the future holds. I see another movie in David’s future, that’s for sure.

That you might be a part of?

(Laughs.) I can say no more.

Interviewed by Joel Murphy. The Gossip Girl episode “The Empire Strikes Jack” airs tonight at 9 p.m. on The CW. For more Laura Harring, visit her official website.

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Courtney Enlow

Last week, something super awesome happened. Something every little girl waits her whole life for, and it happened to me, and it was wonderful. Last week, Lindsay Lohan fell down in a cactus patch and people took pictures and it was hilarious and amazing.

Oh, and I got engaged.

I do not come here to get extra “Congratulations!” comments, though I’m never opposed to that kind of thing. What I’m here to do is make a promise. A promise to my future spouse, my friends, my fans and myself.

I promise to never be “That Girl.”

Everyone knows someone on Facebook who posts nothing but lameness, be it the passive aggressive bitch kind (“Jenny Lou Sassafrass LOL Loves bitches and fake people LOL”), the filled with Christ’s love kind (“Petey Strawhat had a sandwich today. It was delicious. The lord is good and will grant thine sunshine upon thee!”) or the emo desperate for attention kind (“Tawny Lemonjello is Oh I don’t even know anymore.”) But the worst kind? The engaged people.

Raise your hand if you’re a fan of the website STFU, Marrieds. That damn sure better have been everyone. If you’re not included in the everyone, click and return a changed person.

Long before STFU, Marrieds and its ilk, I had such an intense loathing for the people who constantly posted statuses telling the Facebook world how happy and in love they were, how angry and single they were and anything in between. But now, as a newly engaged person, I realize that I need to heed the lessons of these foolhardy updaters and ensure that I will never follow down the path of the lame and inane.

I vow to never use my Facebook status as a wedding countdown. I will allow myself to post something along the lines of “The wedding’s next week OMG” or “The wedding’s tomorrow OMFG” (and I’ll be marginally more creative, hopefully) but I will not post a new update on the daily saying “368 more days!” “367 more days!” “365 more days!” “Oh shit I messed up! It’s 366 more days so I’ll make up for it by posting the seconds too!” It’s annoying, uncool and a daily reminder to all the people who are so not invited to your fancy party ball and therefore do not give a ratshit.

I vow to never BrideJack anyone’s status. Ever. Everyone has had some conversation “-jacked,” be it in person or online.

“I’m tired today.”

“Oh, you’re tired? Just wait until you have three kids!”

“I’m hungry.”

“You think you’re hungry? Try having gastric fissures and irritable bowel. I’m hungry too and can’t do anything about it.”

“I got engaged this weekend.”

“Well I got engaged times infinity and bought a llama and choked on a chicken bone and almost died and was rescued by the late Ernest Borgnine, who isn’t dead yet.”

I just don’t understand people who do stuff like that. Have your own conversation. Don’t interrupt my attempt at small talk with your attempt at being an asshole.

I vow to never Bridezilla out over small things. False. I’ve already done it twice.

I vow to not turn this column into The Knot. I’m only doing it this time because a) it’s kind of all that’s on my mind what with it just happening and all, and b) literally the only other thing in gossip was that Lindsey Lohan falling down thing and I definitely did not have 1000 words on it. Only 650.

I vow to leave declarations of sappy love off the Internet. My boyfr fiance (must get used to that) rarely gets online when it’s not fantasy football season. So making a daily cheesy Facebook announcement of how awesome our love is and how no one else’s life can possibly compete would really only serve to make others nauseated. And I genuinely believe that’s the real goal of the people who do this. Saying you love the person you love? Totally fine. Saying you love them so much and you can’t wait to get home and do things to their bodies and make them dinner and earn your “MRS” degree and be a trophy wife and make tiny pageant babies? Well that’s just not. (Think I’m exaggerating? Then I think you didn’t do as I said and click that link earlier. Do it, damn you!)

Finally, I vow to keep most of the details to myself. Facebook serves one true purpose: as a forum for me to share whatever new stupid pun I’ve come up with. It’s not for me to alert 700 of my closest acquaintances that I’m getting a colonic so that I won’t poo at my reception. I’m sure I’ll have an update for things like “Yay, I’m sampling cakes” or “Yay I’m sampling caterers” or “Yay I’m rewarding myself with deep fried items of edible deliciousness” or “I’m completely confused as to how I’ve been unable to lose weight” but I promise, promise, promise that it will not consume me.

I’m so happy. I’m stoked. I’m thrilled that next year, my bubs, the love of my life, will become my husband. But much like I pray I’ll never be the mom posting new and horrifying statues regarding her child’s poo fetish or genital discovery, I just cannot let myself go from fun independent normal person with a boyfriend to this.

And if I do?

Shoot to kill. Silver bullets only.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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From barbed wire baseball bats to thumbtacks to flaming tables, Mick Foley has made a living showing WWE fans things they have never seen before. Foley’s last book, The Hardcore Diaries, which was published in 2007, gave fans a glimpse of something they had never seen before – the inner workings of the WWE. In 2007, Foley was nice enough to talk to us about the book, his problems with Vince McMahon and what it was like being the WWE Divas gay friend.

In the three years since this interview ran, Foley left the WWE and signed with rival company TNA. His book and this interview provide some insight into why he made that decision. So if you missed it back in 2007, enjoy it today, the day after Wrestlemania:
http://www.hobotrashcan.com/2007/03/29/one-on-one-with-mick-foley-2/