Outside of the In-Crowd – Everyone’s wearing vagina dresses: Liveblogging the Oscars
March 8, 2010 Outside of the In-Crowd 6 Comments
Courtney Enlow |
Hello my good loves and lovelies! It’s that time again, the time in which I drink wine, eat carbs and type furiously (often in Caps Lock). Typos be damned! (Fun fact: When you drink and type, they’re called tipsos.)
So it’s currently the pre-game, the Red Carpet Show Spectacular. I’m an E! girl, so that’s where my remote’s planted. And it has not let me down yet.
First, let’s address my title. There are so many giney dresses. I mean, Georgia O’Keeffe is watching this from cervical heaven and weeping with joy. Charlize Theron literally has two giant pink vaginas covering her boobs, Jennifer Lopez’s dress is one big puffy vagina, Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair is a weird big Cinnabon vagina, Vera Farmiga’s dress is a series of big floppy labias and I’ve seen many others following suit. Will update (read: DRINKING GAME!) as I see them.
My second favorite moment thus far involves a Cyrus, and it’s not even Miley or her nine-year-old stripper sister. It’s the mom. OH THE MOM. Okay, if you weren’t watching, Seacrest was interviewing Miley, whose dress is basically Charlotte Russe underwear. BUT ANYWAY. He mentioned Miley’s mom, and the mom literally runs over. Literally. She sprints to Seacrest. I have never seen anyone so happy to be on camera. Then she turned around and she has the best/awfulest People Of Walmart angel wing tattoos on her back. ELEGANCE.
So after all the vaginas and ladydouches, there has been one person who brings me more joy than the bottle of Big House next to me: Gabourey Sidibe. Oh my God I want to be her best friend. Gabby, if you’re reading this, I love you. Let’s hang out.
At this moment, it’s 17 minutes till showtime and just so you know, I will be attempting the impossible and liveblogging AND live-tweeting at the same time. Will I succeed? Probably not, you guys, probably not. So you should probably go here and read everything I didn’t type here.
Let’s get some business out of the way first: Best and Worst Dresses (so I don’t clog up later) and Predictions.
Best dresses thus far: My favorite is Maggie Gyllenhaal’s. Love it, love it, love it. Second favorite is Carey Mulligan’s. I love the Sally Sparrow (watch more Doctor Who, people) and this is the first dress she’s worn all award season that I actually like. (EDIT! I write this an hour later after seeing the whole dress, and NEVERMIND. Fuck that’s bad.) Third favorite, Rachel McAdams. Also, I love Zoe Saldana’s until the camera pans down to her knees, then it turns to some ugly puffy number.
Worst dress: Amanda Seyfried’s dress is basically cancer. Kill it with fire. Also, JLo’s wearing the exact same thing, only more vaginal (see above). Diane Krueger’s is gross too.
Predictions!
Best Picture: My hope is that Avatar and The Hurt Locker will split the vote and Inglourious Basterds will win. But since Hurt Locker will definitely win Best Director, Avatar will probably win this.
Best Actor: The Dude
Best Actress: Everyone says it will be Sandy, and while I love her, no one believes she should win for this movie, which is generic sports inspirado and has no place at the Oscars. If she wins, I won’t be sad, but I’d love if it went to my new best friend Gabby.
Best Supporting Actor: Jew Hunter
Best Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique has commented many a time that she doesn’t care about the Oscar. While she probably will win and deserves to, I’m going to be a rebel and predict Maggie.
Okay, y’allz. Time for some livebloggery!
6:54 – E! poll winner for who will win Best Actor: George Clooney. In a related story, people who vote on E! polls don’t watch movies and probably didn’t see Up In The Air, let alone Crazy Heart. Shut up, E! poll voters. Even Clooney voted for Bridges.
7:00 – Apparently I’m wrong and it starts at 7:30 … Um … I will now stall by wowing you all with my ability to do the dances from the “Thriller,” “Baby One More Time” and “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” videos. Please picture me doing this for the next half hour. Thanks.
In the 30 minute interim not-Oscars and Oscars, there’s been Zac Efron’s oddly puffy, overbronzed face, Kathy Ireland’s RIDICULOUS gesticulations and not a lot else. Except VAGINA DRESSES. SO MANY VAGINA DRESSES.
Thank God, Kathy Ireland time is over. Jesus. Awful. If you didn’t see, she was basically SJP in that scene in First Wives Club where she’s showing the condo to Bronson Pinchot. Les office! Let’s start this shitshow!
7:30 – Aw, all the acting nominees just walked out. How very Miss America. If they’re going to do pageant stuff, then someone get Sandy B. her water glasses. Gracie Lou Freebush forever! Please let this turn into a dance number.
7:31 – No dance number. Bullshit already.
7:31 – NPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:32 – SINGING NPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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- Outside of the In-Crowd – 2010 Emmy Liveblog
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- Outside of the In-Crowd – The Golden Globes: The Oscars’ drunken slutty sister
- Positive Cynicism – Dumbing down the Oscars
