Hello my good loves and lovelies! It’s that time again, the time in which I drink wine, eat carbs and type furiously (often in Caps Lock). Typos be damned! (Fun fact: When you drink and type, they’re called tipsos.)
So it’s currently the pre-game, the Red Carpet Show Spectacular. I’m an E! girl, so that’s where my remote’s planted. And it has not let me down yet.
First, let’s address my title. There are so many giney dresses. I mean, Georgia O’Keeffe is watching this from cervical heaven and weeping with joy. Charlize Theron literally has two giant pink vaginas covering her boobs, Jennifer Lopez’s dress is one big puffy vagina, Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair is a weird big Cinnabon vagina, Vera Farmiga’s dress is a series of big floppy labias and I’ve seen many others following suit. Will update (read: DRINKING GAME!) as I see them.
My second favorite moment thus far involves a Cyrus, and it’s not even Miley or her nine-year-old stripper sister. It’s the mom. OH THE MOM. Okay, if you weren’t watching, Seacrest was interviewing Miley, whose dress is basically Charlotte Russe underwear. BUT ANYWAY. He mentioned Miley’s mom, and the mom literally runs over. Literally. She sprints to Seacrest. I have never seen anyone so happy to be on camera. Then she turned around and she has the best/awfulest People Of Walmart angel wing tattoos on her back. ELEGANCE.
So after all the vaginas and ladydouches, there has been one person who brings me more joy than the bottle of Big House next to me: Gabourey Sidibe. Oh my God I want to be her best friend. Gabby, if you’re reading this, I love you. Let’s hang out.
At this moment, it’s 17 minutes till showtime and just so you know, I will be attempting the impossible and liveblogging AND live-tweeting at the same time. Will I succeed? Probably not, you guys, probably not. So you should probably go here and read everything I didn’t type here.
Let’s get some business out of the way first: Best and Worst Dresses (so I don’t clog up later) and Predictions.
Best dresses thus far: My favorite is Maggie Gyllenhaal’s. Love it, love it, love it. Second favorite is Carey Mulligan’s. I love the Sally Sparrow (watch more Doctor Who, people) and this is the first dress she’s worn all award season that I actually like. (EDIT! I write this an hour later after seeing the whole dress, and NEVERMIND. Fuck that’s bad.) Third favorite, Rachel McAdams. Also, I love Zoe Saldana’s until the camera pans down to her knees, then it turns to some ugly puffy number.
Worst dress: Amanda Seyfried’s dress is basically cancer. Kill it with fire. Also, JLo’s wearing the exact same thing, only more vaginal (see above). Diane Krueger’s is gross too.
Best Picture: My hope is that Avatar and The Hurt Locker will split the vote and Inglourious Basterds will win. But since Hurt Locker will definitely win Best Director, Avatar will probably win this.
Best Actor: The Dude
Best Actress: Everyone says it will be Sandy, and while I love her, no one believes she should win for this movie, which is generic sports inspirado and has no place at the Oscars. If she wins, I won’t be sad, but I’d love if it went to my new best friend Gabby.
Best Supporting Actor: Jew Hunter
Best Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique has commented many a time that she doesn’t care about the Oscar. While she probably will win and deserves to, I’m going to be a rebel and predict Maggie.
Okay, y’allz. Time for some livebloggery!
6:54 – E! poll winner for who will win Best Actor: George Clooney. In a related story, people who vote on E! polls don’t watch movies and probably didn’t see Up In The Air, let alone Crazy Heart. Shut up, E! poll voters. Even Clooney voted for Bridges.
7:00 – Apparently I’m wrong and it starts at 7:30 … Um … I will now stall by wowing you all with my ability to do the dances from the “Thriller,” “Baby One More Time” and “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” videos. Please picture me doing this for the next half hour. Thanks.
In the 30 minute interim not-Oscars and Oscars, there’s been Zac Efron’s oddly puffy, overbronzed face, Kathy Ireland’s RIDICULOUS gesticulations and not a lot else. Except VAGINA DRESSES. SO MANY VAGINA DRESSES.
Thank God, Kathy Ireland time is over. Jesus. Awful. If you didn’t see, she was basically SJP in that scene in First Wives Club where she’s showing the condo to Bronson Pinchot. Les office! Let’s start this shitshow!
7:30 – Aw, all the acting nominees just walked out. How very Miss America. If they’re going to do pageant stuff, then someone get Sandy B. her water glasses. Gracie Lou Freebush forever! Please let this turn into a dance number.
7:31 – No dance number. Bullshit already.
7:31 – NPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:32 – SINGING NPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:33 – Thank Jesus, a big fancy dance number. They heard me. Thank you.
7:34 – You, me and Gabby Sidibe. I can have two best friends. I mean I already do, but sorry Quita and Kelz, your positions may have been filled.
7:35 – Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are two dapper handsome gents. I could easily see myself writing some awkward slash about them later tonight.
7:36 – I bow at Meryl’s feet. She, NPH and Gabourey and I will all be best friends. She’s such a Samantha.
7:38 – Bald-steve (as they will henceforth be known) just talked to Helen Mirren. I wasn’t paying attention, because there was a gentleman behind her who was the exact spitting image of the baby born betwixt Mickey Rourke and Costas Mandylor from the un-good Saw movies. Seriously, back up the TiVo and admire his steakface.
7:40 – Ten minutes in and I am torn between whether Baldwin should have hosted by himself, or if NPH should have hosted and then won every award.
7:43 – Seriously. Taylor Lautner = the inspiration for the Na’vi people. Only they made the Na’vi more human-like.
7:45 – Supporting Actor. Let’s go Jew Hunter, let’s go! *Aryan clap, Aryan clap*
7:46 – I still haven’t seen The Last Station, but I had no idea Christopher Plummer was playing Brad Pitt.
7:48 – Christophe Waltz wins! I need to watch Inglourious Basterds again, like right now. I’ve done some serious thinking and it’s my favorite QT movie. Nerds, feel free to fight me in the comments.
7:50 – Clever idea to get The Blind Side‘s clip out of the way first. Then maybe by the end everyone can forget it stole Moon‘s spot.
7:55 – Cameron D. and Steve Carrel are presenting together. I love them both. I mean, I love him more and I only like her as a person (I tend to avoid her movies like herpes). Speaking of Steve, if Date Night lets me down, I will scream and possibly set something on fire.
7:58 – Okay, ALL the awards should do what the Animated Picture awards just did – have fake Baba Wawa interviews. Oh, Up, when you win (and you just did as I type) I will cry like I did twenty-plus times watching you.
8:01 – Cancer-dress and Duckface are presenting an award together, and Miley immediately stops and says how nervous they both are. UGH. I hate when people do that. Shut up. It’s not about you. It’s about actual people who got nominated because they’re better than you.
8:03 – I am so glad they don’t do the live performances of songs anymore. Remember the year Beyonce did all of them? I’m still WFTing about that. T-Bone wins. T-Bone Streep should have accepted with him.
8:05 – Chris Pine, presenter of District 9, you are a dreamy man. I would like to paint myself green and let you Kirk me. Please let me know if you are amenable to this. *sigh* I wish District 9 had a chance. After Inglourious Basterds, it’s my favorite movie of 2009.
8:12 – My God. Tina Fey and RDJ? Together? At once? I can’t handle this. And an actually funny bit? I need to get up and walk around for a bit.
8:14 – Calling it – Inglourious Basterds.
8:15 – Fuck.
8:16 – Pretty sure this is the death knell for The Hurt Locker‘s Best Pic shot. When they win Screenplay they never get Picture.
8:17 – New presenters: Matthew Broderick and MOLLY RINGWALD!?!?!?! Oh I could weep with ’80s joy. They’re talking about John Hughes. Now I weep with weepness. RIP, John Hughes. You’re forever awesome.
8:21 – At this moment, they brought out Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy, Macaulay Culkin and Judd Nelson. I am literally weeping. Thank you, John Hughes. As trite as it sounds and as eye-roll-worthy as it probably is, you taught me all I know. So thanks.
8:24 – They followed that with Up? Jesus, it’s like they want me to cry forever.
8:31 – It’s the Shorts awards. Let’s face it – no one cares. Except the people who will no doubt comment on this. So please, comment away and yell at me.
8:34 – So this Prudence picture won for Best Short and I was tweeting so I wasn’t 100 percent paying attention, but I’m pretty sure some rando broad ran up and joined the speech and had nothing to do with the short. I could be wrong. Also, I think they used “I’m Tired” from Blazing Saddles as the play-off music.
8:38 – Now Ben Stiller’s presenting. Last year he presented after stealing a bit from the Independent Spirit Awards. Now he’s stealing this bit from Sacha Baron Cohen. Nice job, Ben. I’ve heard he’s a total dick, by the way. I asked my Twitter legions (read: about 420 fans) for confirmation and a number of them said yes. That said, most of them think I’m really wrong in saying Stiller stole the bit from Cohen.
8:41 – Hey, Star Trek won an award! It’s makeup, but it counts on the DVD cover. I loved the new Star Trek, by the way, and those thrown off by its alternate timeline are stupid and lame. And as long as I’m pissing off fellow Trek fans, Wesley Crusher wasn’t that bad. YEAH I SAID IT.
8:43 – I still haven’t seen A Serious Man. I know, I know. I love the Coens, but it was only in my tiny capital city for a week.
8:48 – Regina George looks so pretty. I’d let her punch me in the face.
8:49 – In the Loop is number one on my Netflix queue; I’ll be as cool as the other kids soon, I swear.
8:51 – I’m so pleased for This Guy: Writer of the Movie Precious: Based on The Novel Push by Sapphire. He’s crying, bless him. But it does sound like he’s doing dramatic pauses, so I feel compelled to laugh a bit.
8:52 – Steve Martin’s glasses make his nose look big and that makes him look old which makes me feel old.
8:52 – He intros Queen Lateef. Fun fact: Bringing Down the House was the movie seen on my first date with my boyfriend. That date will be seven years ago as of this Sunday. Happy anniversary, bubs! (He will never read this. He doesn’t like the Internet. He’s a secret hipster.)
8:54 – Wait, writing that tenderness, did I just miss something about Roger Corman winning an award? What the shit?
8:56 – Whatever, it’s Supporting Actress time. Either Mo or Mags. Probably Mo. With her leg hair winning an award for Best Supporting of the Warmth of the Limbs Supporting a Supporting Actress.
8:57 -Anna Kendrick was awesome, too. Everyone was awesome. This was a good year for acting.
8:59 – I went too political! I’m perfect for Hollywood after all! Mo wins big!
9:01 – Colin Firth, it is important that you know I think you’re dreamy. And An Education, I think it’s important you know how truly good you were. Court + ’60s period pieces = true love 4vs.
9:06 – I keep wasting commercial breaks with my tweets because I so feel that everyone needs my words. I hate myself. I need to urinate. BRfuckingB. It’s Art Direction and Avatar won and I don’t give a shit.
9:09 – BACK. Heard the tail end of a joke about how skinny SJP is. Seriously, Sarah, heed. You’re so hungry and I know it.
9:11 – Okay, some broad just won for Best Costume Design and she’s all smug and wearing a Lewinsky-esque beret, if Lewinsk had glazed it in sparkly Clinton spooge.
9:17 – A Paranormal Activity spoof. Would have been better if 30 Rock hadn’t done it a few weeks ago. ALSO, because I don’t have 1,000 words about it, 30 Rock was rough at the start of this season, but has become amazing. So shut up.
9:19 – Ooh, a tribute to horror films? SOLD. I would like to tell you that I’m super stoked about the new Nightmare on Elm Street. Love the original, but where goeth Jackie Early Haley goeth I.
9:23 – Morgan Freeman narrating about Morgan Freeman narrating? I give that three points for adorability. Even if he is boning his granddaughter.
9:24 – Seriously. Morgan Freeman, please don’t be boning your granddaughter. I’ve been disturbed about that for months. Please.
9:27 – With every win it gets, The Hurt Locker further convinces me it won’t win for Best Pic.
9:29 – Best Achievement in Loyalty to Just For Men Haircare goes to John Travolta.
9:34 – Sandy B.! You’re obviously allowed into the me, Gabby, NPH, Meryl, Tina and Steve BFF club. We have left Sex and the City-ville and are now venturing dangerously into Broken Hearts Club-land. There need to be more movies about large groups of friends.
9:37 – The orchestra is playing “Unchained Melody.” Shit, this is about Patrick Swayze. I will SOB.
9:45 – Sorry. Had to leave the room. Patrick Swayze plus the song Boyfriend will most likely dance with his mom to at our wedding. Too much sad.
9:45 – Luckily Giney Dress Lopez is here to make me happy. WITH DANCING.
9:47 – Okay, this is stupid. The shadow dancers from the car commercials from a couple years ago were WAY better.
9:50 – I can’t decide if this is stupid, or if this speaks to me. It’s really good dancing, regardless. I shall join them. Did I mention my skillz? PEOPLE, I CAN DO THE EVERYBODY (Backstreet’s Back) DANCE.
9:53 – Ugh. I’d like to take a moment and talk about Gerard Butler. I think he seems like the most douchey cock on the planet. Tell me I’m wrong. I dare you.
9:58 – I love award show voiceovers. “The Best Director award – will it be the minority you crave? Or will the cracker honkies win? Wiggity whack! *raises roof*”
10:01 – Docs. Again, I don’t care. I don’t mean to sound dumb, I really don’t. I just know that it doesn’t matter to me which is best. I’ll see them all.
10:05 – Fisher Stevens won for The Cove. Is it so wrong to forever associate him with Only You, the horrible rom-com starring RDJ in a bad period and Marissa Tomei before she went all indie? “It’ly? My wife’s in It’ly?!”
10:06 – Giant Snuggie? SOLD.
10:07 – Bah dah dah dah dah dah dah dum … The Hurt Locker wins! Woo! … Dammit, it’s an Editing award – I thought it was Best Pic. Eff. END.
10:08 – In a related story, I’ve finally realized why everyone thinks this show lasts so long: Alcohol.
10:15 – Foreign Films. Shit man, I don’t know. I only see what the Oscars tells me to see. I’ll see you at some point. Like as soon as you’re available from Amazon.
10:19 – “A visually stunning triumph of 3D technology” – words that remind me I’ve seen Kathy Bates’s boobs.
10:21 – I just realized that I forgot to mention that commercials are “retweet” time. Heed, non-Twitter fans.
10:24 – I do wish A Single Man could win any award. I feel like any other year it could have.
10:25 – Michelle Pfeieffer is still ridiculous hot. In other news, Grease 2 was on last night. Theory: Grease 2 is basically virgin blood, because Maxwell Caulfield still looks good too.
10:27 – I tweeted a question at 10:24: “Fellow nerds, does Morena Baccarin look good with short hair?” Apparently I’m the only one who thinks she doesn’t.
10:32 – It’s time for The Dude to win his award!
10:32 – YEAH DUDE!!!!!!!!! Fifth nomination? Holy shit. That’s lots. Wishing his parents were still alive. Aw. Tears. I remind myself I need to see literally every other film he’s been nominated for. ‘Cause I haven’t seen any. Not even Last Picture Show. They’re all on the Netflix queue, promise.
10:40 – Just saw a shot of James McAcoy. Experiencing same affect as seeing RDJ.
10:40 – Holy shit, Forest Whitaker directed Hope Floats? I LOVE THAT MOVIE. My second favorite “I cried when Gena Rowlands died at the end” movie.
10:43 – David Tennant should really be presenting the award to Carey Mulligan. (I was not kidding when I told you to watch more Doctor Who.)
10:45 – Once again, Gabby Sidibe? Be my best friend.
10:47 – Oh damn. At this moment, I have no idea who I want to win.
10:48 – You know what, the movie didn’t deserve it, but as I said before, I LOVE Sanda Bullock. So, lady, congrats. You deserve it. If for nothing else, for being the most genuine person in all of Hollywood.
10:51 – She just made me cry talking about her mom. And I love you, my mom, even though you don’t read this because I swear with the bad words.
10:53 – Barbra Streisand’s here to announce Best Pic, which means this is almost over! Her hair looks awesome. My Grandma Audrey is looking down from above in deep nodding approval. (Sorry I swear so much on here, Grandma; I didn’t know they’d have Internet in heaven.)
10:55 – WHAT UP! [in Tim Meadows voice] It’s a lady!!!!! Yay Kathryn Bigelow! Yay for future girl Film majors! (as I speak to myself seven years ago – maybe I wouldn’t have changed my major).
10:58 – Tom Hanks is my favorite person on the planet. I just thought you should know.
10:59 – And Hanx doesn’t fuck around with nominees! Hurt Locker is the winner! YAY! HAHA, YOU’RE THE KING OF THE NOTHING CAMERON!!!!!!!!!
11:00 – Well, my dear friends, this has been fun, and I wish you a good morrow! Night!
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.