Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Lost: Down the Hatch – Meanwhile …
Just because Lost took the week off, it doesn’t mean Down the Hatch has to. Chris Kirkman uses this momentary break in season six to play catch up, covering a few topics that have slipped through the cracks lately, including Walt’s backwards speech, the brainwashing in Room 23 and Jack’s reappearing neck wound.

Murphy’s Law – Commercial success
Advertisers are always looking for ways to reach TV audiences and this week Joel Murphy shares an easy solution – stop making awful commercials. Murphy reached this epiphany after he and his friends spent the weekend seeking out Terry Crews’ Old Spice commercials on YouTube.

Outside of the In-Crowd – The holiest of wars
South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are no strangers to controversy. However, they never received a death threat before … until now. They reportedly received one this week from the group Revolution Muslim because their 200th and 201st episodes involve the Muslim prophet Muhammad. Courtney Enlow shares her thoughts on this scary story.

Positive Cynicism – The five stages of grief
After finding out that his external hard drive crashed, Aaron R. Davis experienced the five stages of grief. He also experienced a “feeling that started burning into my neck, slid into the pit of my stomach and then dropped down into my bowels was pretty close to a rectal prolapse,” which isn’t an official stage of grief, but is painful nonetheless.

Hobo Radio 129 – Know how I know you’re gay?
If you thought Joel Murphy’s life couldn’t get any more ridiculous after last week’s admission that his broken closet made him believe in ghosts, just wait until you hear about the man-date he went on this week. It seems that an outing with a male friend to watch hockey and eat a steak dinner somehow turned into a fabulous evening that would make an old queen jealous.

- Hobo Stu

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• Introduction
• Tyler Perry’s Rear Window
• Brunch
• The Boy Scouts officially give up
• Sex tapes and nudity
• Joel’s man-date
• Contractually-obligated Batman discussion
• “First of May” by Jonathan Coulton

Hobo Radio 129 - Know how I know you're gay? [ 55:02 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Week 129 Spotlight: Know how I know you’re gay?

If you thought Joel Murphy’s life couldn’t get any more ridiculous after last week’s admission that his broken closet made him believe in ghosts, just wait until you hear about the man-date he went on this week. It seems that an outing with a male friend to watch hockey and eat a steak dinner somehow turned into a fabulous evening that would make an old queen jealous.

In addition to Joel’s awkwardness, our dynamic duo also discusses Burger King brunches, a Batman stage show and a Chelsea Handler sex tape. Tyler Perry’s remake of Rear Window and the Boy Scouts giving merit badges for video games also get mentioned in this jam-packed show.

How did Joel end up on a man-date? Why would anyone want a non-alcoholic mimosa? What advice do Joel and Lars have for any young starlets contemplating their first nude scene? The answers to these questions and more are in this week’s podcast.

Hobo Radio is the official podcast of HoboTrashcan, brought to you by The Podcast Network.

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Chris Kirkman

Previously, on Down the Hatch: I wrote a column filled with Goonies, CSI: Miami and Silence of the Lambs references wherein I dared to question the decisions of the Powers-That-Be. Subsequently, that generated a maelstrom of 53 comments at current count on HoboTrashcan. People, that’s more times than Kate’s been kidnapped. That’s more comments than half my columns combined back in season four – but that probably has more to do with me going on and on about Juliet than anything else. Speaking of Juliet, is anyone checking out Elizabeth over in V? Yeah, me neither. Anyways, this week’s episode was a repeat of “Ab Aeterno” so there will be no disparaging comments since I found that episode completely satisfying. If you’re itching for a recap, you can always check out my review of the immortal Spaniard’s origins and meet me back over here when you’re done.

In the meantime, I’m going to just take a look back at a few things that may have fallen through the cracks the past few weeks, starting with a certain special young man whose name with whom you’re all very familiar.

WAAAAALLLLLLTTTTTTTTT!
In the past couple of weeks on Lost, some long-sought mysteries have finally been explained – namely the secret of the whispers and the revelation by MIB that he has been trotting around the Island as Christian Shephard. Despite the plethora of discussion about the delivery of said secrets, we have all spent the better part of three weeks wrapping our minds around the implications, most notably that of MIB’s notorious shape-shifting. Since MIB admitted that he showed up as Christian Shephard at least once, the natural and logical assumption is that every time we see Daddy Shephard on screen, it’s Ol’ Smokey filling his white tennis shoes. However, as many of you have noted, that opens a whole can of worms in terms of continuity and in what we have learned of the “rules” of MIB.

For starters, MIB tells Sawyer that he can’t just turn to smoke and fly off the Island, because if he could then he wouldn’t need a plane to escape. Of course, back in Season four, we see Christian appear off Island twice – once in LA to Jack (which, admittedly, could have been a drug-induced hallucination), and once on board the Kahana when he tells Michael that it’s finally okay to blow himself to bits. Now, if MIB can’t leave the Island, then who or what the heck is going on here?

The off-Island appearances aren’t the only conundrum surrounding MIB’s revelation. We know of several other instances of his shape-shifting, showing up as Alex and threatening Ben, as Yemi to take down Eko and even being tied to those ridiculous Medusa spiders that did away with Nikki and Paulo. That’s all fine and good, and I have no problems with logically connecting those instances of shape-shifting manipulation with MIB. There is one small, almost-forgotten instance that does have me scratching my head, though, and it involves that very special little boy whose name we all love to scream: Walt.

Way back in season two, in the premiere, Shannon gets a little visit in the Jungle of Mystery from the whispers and then Walt, who – at this point – had been taken off the raft by the Others. Walt appears to Shannon soaking wet and he utters what sounds like gibberish. As most of you will recall, that gibberish was simply reverse speech.

Even though it is still debated to this day, Walt’s backwards speech supposedly translates to: “Don’t press the button, the button’s bad.”

All the button references aside, Walt appears to Shannon twice more in the heartbreaking episode “Abandoned,” which taught us that it’s a very bad thing when we finally start to care about a real problem character. At the beginning of the episode, Shannon’s all cozy inside Sayid’s love tent when Walt shows up and starts dripping water all over the place. He speaks in reverse again, and this time he supposedly says: “They’re coming and they’re close.” Shannon, not being fluent in backwards gibberish and a bit unnerved by the sudden appearance of a young black male in her tent, screams her bloody head off. Sayid doesn’t believe what she saw and she spends the rest of the episode getting all huffy and whining, until the end when Sayid catches up to her in the Jungle of Mystery and they have a real heart to heart. It’s raining, Shannon’s shivering and Sayid finally admits to her that he loves her and that he believes here. It’s about that time when the whispers start up and he glances over Shannon’s shoulder to see none other than Walt standing off in the bushes.

Continue reading this post

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Joel Murphy

In a world with Tivo and an ever-increasing amount of online programming, advertising agencies are struggling to find ways to get viewers to watch commercials. As more viewers actively avoid traditional ad breaks, companies are looking to stick ads anywhere they can (and I mean any-where).

They’ve already begun pushing the limits of sites like Hulu, gradually inserting more and more commercials before and during shows. YouTube even plays ads now before many of their featured videos. Pop culture websites – even classy, brilliant ones with talented writers, the best Lost recapper on the ’net and charming hobo mascots – are willing to whore themselves out for the right price. (Seriously, my artistic integrity is surprisingly affordable.)

Ad agencies hold brainstorming sessions and look to focus groups to find “outside of the box” solutions to consumer apathy. But they are overthinking things. I’ve figured out the answer (and I’ve watched every single episode of Mad Men, so I think I know what I’m talking about here). Grab a pen and paper, Madison Avenue, because I’m about to rock your world. It turns out the solution to your problem is actually quite simple …

Stop making shitty commercials.

Revolutionary, I know, but hear me out …

I was in a movie theater the other day with a group of friends. As we were waiting for Kick-Ass to start (which is a fun little comic book movie – I recommend it, Nick Cage and all), we were forced to watch a ridiculous number of advertisements before the previews even began. To help pass the time, my brother pulled out his iPhone to show me a YouTube video. Ironically, the video was a montage of Old Spice ads.

That’s right – to avoid watching the commercials being shown in the movie theater, we watched a bunch of different commercials. Just stop to think about that for a second. I’m someone who bitches anytime I watch a show live and have to sit through a ton of ad breaks, someone who practically has an aneurysm whenever Chuck turns into a hour-long Subway commercial, and yet there I was watching a series of ads for fun.

The ads, if you haven’t seen them, feature a shirtless, red biker shorts-clad Terry Crews promoting Old Spice Odor Blocker body wash in the most absurd ways possible. In one spot, he is sitting on top of a screaming tiger. In another, he talks about the body wash’s ability to block out the sun. They are all ridiculous and hilarious. (If you haven’t seen them, here is the video we were watching in the movie theater.)

These ads are definitely effective. They make it clear what the product is, hammer home the point that it offers “16 hours of odor blocking power” and manage to do it in a way that actually entertains. Often, commercials either soullessly pimp their product in a way that comes off as grating or they are so bizarre or outlandish that the actual product gets lost in the shuffle. A perfect example is Axe body spray. Old Spice is attempting to reach the same target demographic as Axe, but unlike Axe’s ads, which feature annoying zombie-esque nymphets and horrifying chocolate golems, Old Spice gets their message across in a genuinely enjoyable way. (And they have a history of doing this, dating back to their great Bruce Campbell “Hungry Like A Wolf” ads from a few years ago.)

It’s like anything else in life. Make something worth seeing and people will tune in. Make a good enough commercial and you won’t have to worry about Hulu or Tivo. People will seek out your ads. There have been plenty of times where I’ve been fast forwarding through a commercial break, only to stop halfway through to show someone else an ad I like (or to drool over that little minx Flo from the Progressive ads). YouTube is filled with user postings of TV commercials (and, at times, YouTube probably makes you sit through an inferior commercial to get to them).

If you don’t believe me that all it takes is a good commercial to overcome these new technological obstacles, I have two words for you – Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is the highest-rated program of the year and a large chunk of the audience tunes in just to watch the commercials. People discuss their favorite ones the next day at work. Websites post the ads online and people go on to rewatch them and to vote on their favorite ones. It’s Don Draper’s wet dream (well, his wet dream not involving a couple of stewardesses and that teacher from his kids’ school).

So get creative, people. I want to live in a world where I wouldn’t dream of hitting that fast forward button on my DVR. Make your ads so good that I’m sitting through shows wondering what will unfold when they hit a break. Make me dread bathroom breaks and trips to the refrigerator. Give me more screaming tigers, more double sun action and definitely more Flo. In fact, let’s see if we can get her in a pair of those red biker shorts. Now that’s progressive.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Aaron R. Davis

I woke up one morning four weeks ago to discover that my external hard drive was no longer being recognized by my computer.

I’ve never had one before, but I’m pretty sure the feeling that started burning into my neck, slid into the pit of my stomach and then dropped down into my bowels was pretty close to a rectal prolapse.

As I was in the process of recovering from a major computer crash a couple of months ago that required a total reformat of my OS, I hadn’t gotten a chance to back up all of my files … my external hard drive was my back up. Add to that the fact that my CD burner doesn’t work anymore and I guess I was just cruising into this inevitability in a world where everything is digital and paper-free, and almost never works the way it’s supposed to.

And where the tragedy of my time-wasting becomes perfectly clear.

1. Denial

Okay, okay, everything’s going to be fine. I’ve had this problem before: it’s just a faulty power cord. I’ll replace it ASAP. It’s Friday … if I pay extra for overnight shipping and Saturday delivery, I’ll have my stuff back by tomorrow.

Next day: alright. It’s not a power cord problem. Fuck.

Alright, I’ll take the drive out of the enclosure, and I’ll plug it into one of the drives on my computer, and everything will be fine. It’ll read it, I’ll get my data off and I won’t use that one ever again. I’ll just buy a new external drive, one not made by LaCie, and I’ll have my stuff back by tonight.

Tonight: shit. My drive is a SATA, and the ones in my computer are IDE.

Okay, I just need some kind of converter. Tiger Direct sells an adapter that plugs into the drive and sends it through the USB. I’ll order it, plug it in and have my stuff back in a few days.

In a few days: crap. It only read it for a minute and now it can’t find it again. And the drive feels like it’s running too hot.

Okay, there’s a tech place here in town that does data recovery. I’ll have a guy come over and take a look at it, he’ll figure out what the problem is. The drive isn’t making any funny noises, so maybe it’s just an issue with my computer not reading it instead of a serious drive problem. I don’t know, something to hold on to. Okay, I’ll get a tech over here, and I’ll have my stuff back by tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow afternoon: damn it, damn it, damn it! He’s going to have to send it to a lab to reconstruct the drive.

2. Anger

God damn it! I’ve already spent over $300 to figure out what’s going on, and I still don’t have any of my files back! I have pictures of my sister on there, and she died four years ago! 95 percent of my music collection is on that damn thing! All of my lists and files and back ups of applications and two novels I’ve been working on since I was in high school! And now I have to spend another seven hundred bucks just to have access to this shit?

Why is the universe doing this to me?! How much more money do I have to spend on this stupid thing?!

ALL I WANT ARE MY FILES BACK!!!

3. Bargaining

Alright …

Alright, maybe I can just try the adapter again. It’s been a couple of weeks now, and nothing else has been done to the drive. It’s cooled down, it hasn’t been used, I didn’t have the money to send it in to get looked at … maybe it just needed some time and I can plug it in and just get some of the files off. Just let me get my documents and my wife’s art projects, that’s all I ask. That’s all I care about anymore.

Please, let this work. If this works, I promise I’ll be better about backing up and I’ll be better about working around the house and doing the dishes and everything, just please let this work.

Oh, fuck you, universe. And fuck you, computers!

4. Depression

Why am I even bothering with this thing? Why am I even bothering with anything? What’s the point? If it can all just disappear in a moment for seemingly no reason, what’s it even worth? Is this all just stuff I use to waste time during the day, anyway?

And the sick thing, the really sick thing, is that if it is all just stuff I use to waste time with, and then I’m devastated when it all goes away, that just means I have no life whatsoever.

This is just an object lesson in how pathetic I am. I hate myself.

What’s the point of anything?

5. Acceptance

Okay, I’m going to move on from this. BFD, you know? True, I lost a bunch of stuff that can’t be replaced — and I will always, always feel shitty about losing my wife’s art projects — but how much of it did I even need? Stuff can be recreated. My Dad is going to make a DVD with all of the pictures of my late sister on it. And finding all of that music again could be fun. It’s not the end of the world.

It’s a lesson in backing up your data, but it’s not the end of the world.

For now …

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

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