It has been a rough few days in the world of 90s-era womanhood. That hot piece of macho straightness, Ricky Martin, apparently likes dudes. Courtney Love has completely lost all guardianship of her daughter, Frances Bean, because she’s a complete shitbag disaster. Nancy Kerrigan’s brother was indicted for manslaughter. And, most sadly of all, Julia Sugarbaker herself, Dixie Carter, went off to that perfectly appointed living room showcase in the sky.
But one news item was released this week that shines a rainbow-y light of unicorn dream all over the world.
Oprah and John Tesh used to date.
This might be the best thing I’ve ever heard. Oprah. And John Tesh.
Question: Have any of you thought of John Tesh since he took his double-denim ensembles and attempted to new-age rock our socks? Yeah, me neither. And yet now I can’t stop thinking about him. Did he write sexy music for her, comprised of one long-held note on a Casio and a series of deep breaths into a conch shell? Were there secret codes sent to her from his Entertainment Tonight desk? Did they ever have crazy four-way swap love sessions with Yanni and Linda Evans?
Screw Kitty Kelley’s usual brand of sensational celeb biography. I want an entire book of the love story of Opresh-ious: Based on the Novel Tesh By OprahTotallyBonedHimpphire. And this lead me down the rabbit hole to a whole world of ridiculous celeb pairings. I want more. I want a world where Christopher Meloni once dated Hallie Kate Eisenberg, the Pepsi girl. Steve Jobs and Crystal Bernard from Wings. Jim Varney and Shirley Manson. Josh Hartnett and Hervé Villechaize.
Sadly, these pairs never made magic happen – and oh the magic that could have been – but there are some real ones that rival them.
Except Josh and Hervé. Their love could have been one for the ages.
Possibly my favorite bizarro celeb pairing of all time would be that of Tom Cruise and Cher. Because nothing says, “I’m totally straight and those rumors are so super not-true” like actively pursuing Cher and attempting to enter into a romantic relationship with her.
I like to imagine that their first date was an almost verbatim recreation of that episode of Will and Grace Cher guested on.
In the Not So Much Weird As It Is Actually Terrifying And If It Had Started Six Months Earlier It Would Have Made For a Pretty Great SVU episode category, we have Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood. I don’t want to take this to the bad place, but seriously, healthy well-adjusted teenagers do not start serious relationships with 40-year-old ’90s nightmare demons who are now aging pedo-corpses.
Speaking of walking corpses, remember when Courtney Love dated Edward Norton? Now he’s always seemed a bit off. But there’s “off” and there’s “I think tonight I’ll let a homeless man suck on my ti-tay. Because I sang ‘Violet’ and that gives me license to do things like this.”
My love of VH1 reality programs is well documented. And next to Adrienne Curry and Peter Knight, not exactly unlikely to make this list, my favorite couple in VH1 history is the magical love story of Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen. People can say what they will, but I firmly believe that the love betwixt Foufy Foufy and Gitta was so real, so so real. And I just can’t explain the way that it’s making me feel. I watched Strange Love like my life depended on it, and when she chose Other Guy in the end, I like to believe it was because F(2) and Geet’s love was too powerful to last forever. Much like Romeo and Juliet or Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.
On a personal note, the pairing of Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst was always a complete headscratcher. Mostly because he often looks like this and she often looks like this.
Brad Pitt dated Sinitta for two years. Yes bringing this up is an excuse to post this video …
Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson were pretty random. Tom Cruise and Katie’s baby bangs are still weird. Woody and Soon-Yi, Kim Basinger and Prince, Lance Armstrong and the less corpse-bridey Olsen twin, Michael Jackson and Pam Anderson (which I still absolutely choose to believe was true. Also, he’s alive and she’s helping him hide away from the world inside her cleavage.)
Love is love, and for most of these couplings, twas but a momentary flicker of sparkly heart glitter. But they live on – in our memories and in awkward erotic fan fiction in the bowels of the Internet.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.