This week, we said a fond farewell to a show that brought us so much joy, sadness, confusion and intrigue for almost six years. A series of crazy and unforeseen happenstances, filled with shock and sometimes terror.
That show? I like to call it “Lindsay Lohan collapses into a big pile of powder and freckle.” And with jail in her near future, we’re saying goodbye. At least, for now.
My strangely schadenfraudey fascination with the great ginger downfall is well documented. And I still wish her no ill. But I don’t feel sorry for her, and if something happens to her, she will have had it coming.
This is cold and horrible. Of this I am aware. But the fact is, Lindsay has shown no responsibility. She has lived in a cocoon of idiotic denial for years now. And this is entirely her doing.
So if you need a round-up of her two weeks of crack-induced assholery, let me lay it out for you.
May 13 – TMZ releases word that Lindsay has seven days to complete four more alcohol education classes, or her ass is going to jail.
May 14 – Lindsay does the honorable thing and goes to her classes to remain in the judge’s good graces. OH WAIT, no she doesn’t. She decides to go party at Cannes. Cannes is a film festival. Lindsay hasn’t been in a film in about two years. Somehow, she is not laughed out.
May 16 – Lindsay arrives in Cannes, despite needing to be back in LA on the 20th for trial.
May 16-18 – Bitch got drunk.
May 18 – You know that Icelandic volcano that effed up all European flights there for a bit? You know how that was pretty much national news? Well, apparently Lindsay is unaware that this shit peaked weeks ago, because she tried telling the judge that she can’t come home for her trial because of the volcanic ash. Unless she went over to Cannes and then back in time a month, this is absolutely not true.
May 19 – Lindsay learned how national news works, then realized she had to come up with another excuse. So she went with a classic.
The dog ate my homework. My dad stole my passport. No, for realz, she thinks that. Cocaine’s a hell of a drug.
May 20 –
She immediately reports her passport stolen and orders a new one. No, she does neither of these things. Instead, she parties on a boat dressed like Cher circa the bagel boy.
May 20 – Judge Awesomesocks defies all California history and issues a bench warrant for the arrest of 85 Pounds of Fun. She will also strap a SCRAM bracelet to her ankle and subject her to weekly testing. Being LA, this is the equivalent to death by stoning and Robocop.
After that, Lindsay gave herself a few extra days to enjoy fancy Europe land before heading home. This fun included more boats, lots of vodka and being photographed next to mirrors with lines of mysterious white substances. “What?! That’s a set up, that’s so untrue.”
Look for yourself.
Lindsay Lohan is a dumb bitch is what I’m saying.
As of press time, the judge is about to throw her into an orange jumpsuit to hang out with Big Ethel from a Snapped episode. Or, being California, she’s about to sentence her to a sugar-free Fudgecicle. There’s really no way to tell. But one thing is for sure – this ho’s career is DONE.
And when it’s the big kind of done, as in, you know, dead, I hope her parents receive some form of horrific punishment.
Open letter time:
Hey, Michael and Dina Lohan, you raised a complete piece of shit drugbag. You could not have done a worse job as parents if you tried, and everything that she is and everything that happens to her is your fault. You've piggybacked for fame and money, you've used her and aided in her delusions, you've killed her and she's not even dead yet. There is no circle of hell deep enough for horrible parents who ruin innocent children, but whatever is closest, that's where you're going. Nice job, fuckers.
I feel as though I’ve brought you all down. … Frankly I’m not sure how to pick it back up. Here’s some pictures of cute baby piggies.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.